By Chokee Slam

Iowa State

Flashbacks of Summerslam.. but you guys neglected to show the true story which was the life and death struggle that Steve Austin's leg had with the ropes. The cameramen were generous and merciful for some reason but the audience? No way, they laughed AND pointed at him.

Geez. Savages.

However, one Summerslam photo-still shows HHH giving Austin the pedigree but to Mad Phat eyes, it looks a lot like he's got one big anal wart. Yo dude, there's this colossal thing growing out of your butt. I think you better go see a doctor and get rid of it. People will start to stare, you know.

They show Austin getting hurt by HHH after the match. Oh, Steve is hurt alright.. his PRIDE, that is. His pride was so maimed and will never, ever recover.

Basic scan of the audience. A huge cardboard cut-out of Steve Austin, wearing an Iowa State ... strait jacket? That's what happened to him after he went looney from the embarrassment of getting caught up in the ropes.

Jim Ross calls out the NEW WWF champ, Mankind, but HHH probably ran right past Mick backstage to get out first. HHH starts his bickering, 'I've been screwed a million times..' and I'm sure he liked it. I'm sure he'd like to be screwed a million more times.

All that talk about screwing has left a wet spot on HHH's front side. Hey.. you had a boo boo. Stop talking about screwing. HHH talks about his attack on Steve (technically the ropes attacked Steve, ya know), 'The air didn't just come out from his lungs..' It could have come out of his ass, yes. That does happen, you know. Hey, you gotta let loose, you gotta let loose. By the way, HHH, stop taking credit for 'crippling' Steve, he crippled himself. Just him and his little lonesome with the help of the ropes.

HHH then puts JR in an arm lock which forces Mick out and to grant him the title bout. Why bother with a bout and go for the gusto? Go straight ahead and demand that Mick give you the belt. What's wrong with you? Don't you know how to bargain? Do you demand a mortgage as opposed to a ransom? What the hell?

Mick agrees to the match but HHH 'breaks' JR's arm and the foley of celery sticks crunching is inserted. That was really horrible, guys. You should start inserting foley of punching pillows when wrestlers hit each other. Anyways, JR was able to contort himself in a way that it looked a little convincing. But hey.. that wouldn't be a nice thing to do. At least this gave JR the night off. Maybe he had to do further taste tests of his BBQ sauce.

Photo still of the upcoming UT/ Show vs. Acolytes match. Well, the Acolytes look mighty scared. I'm sure Mr. Simmons is petrified because Brad is behind him, perhaps with his hand on his ass. 'Why I got dis white man's hand on my ass.. and get yo dick off my leg..' Ooh, sorry. Actually I wonder if that's what Mr. Simmons would look like if he was on a police line-up.

The always classic facial expression on a line-up is, 'if I don't move, maybe they won't recognize me.' However, if you're covered with that blue paint, I'd say your chances of non-detection are pretty slim then. I could be wrong but..

Cole replaces JR in the commentator spot and the skies turned black, peasants in villages are screaming bloody fear, natural disasters suddenly take over the Earth, power outages all over.... sigh.

We get another photo still flashback of HHH hitting Austin with the chair. Austin's expression? It's screaming, 'MY PRIDE! I HURT MY PRIDE!!! Damn those ropes...' Okay, I damn thee.

Road Dogg vs. Al Snow. Al's got darker hair now (y'all think that WWF thought there were too many blondes rampant in the league and told certain wrestlers to go dark??). Oh well, what's more important is that at one point, Dogg was lieing outside the ring and he farted a hand out of his ass. Had too many lady fingers for lunch, huh?

Jericho then runs in to attack Dogg but doesn't fare too well. Dogg beats him back towards the backstage area but not before Jericho took a great fatal swing.. at the air. Here's the wind up... the bowling position, if you will.

The swing. That's the Tai-Bo punch..

AND he hits the air real good. He probably didn't hit ALL the air, some probably escaped out of his reach but I'm sure he got something. Well, if Jericho was looking to maim air, I'm sure he accomplished. My hero.

Anyways, Al is then attacked by Boss Man, who then kidnaps Pepper and Jericho and Dogg are battling it out backstage. Before being swung into the fence by Dogg, Jericho let out a good high pitched scream (aw, Jericho's got little voice). Boss then puts Pepper in his car and drives off, as Al is giving chase behind him like the Terminator 2000. It was total anarchy.

X-Pac and Kane enter and we had appropiately brought out of phallic ice pops already! Whatta ya know. X must be drinking those energy drinks by the boxloads. He's hopping down the ramp and even stumbled. It looked like he stepped on Kane's heel.

I'm sure Kane was saying, 'Look, I'm walking here.. I'm trying to be cool and you're aiming to roll on me or something, aren't you. You're fixin' to embarrass me.' Eventually X decides to walk in front of Kane so that if X tripped, Kane would have the option of walking over his body or falling and rolling all over him in an unflattering manner. At least that way, Kane has a choice.

OH, they're doing commentary. Kane looks at his headphones, just looks at them actually. X-Pac then suddenly falls asleep standing up. Hey, someone tip him over! Wrestler tipping!!  The official new hobby of wrestling fans all over.

Acolytes vs. Show/ UT.

Of course Kane doesn't do any commentary but in the least, maybe he should have tried. He could still answer with an affirmative 'mm mmm' or a negative, 'mm MM' or an inquisitive, 'mm?' Anyways, instead he opted to look upward to the ceilings. Was there a bird up there? Was Terry Rooster nesting up there? D'oh.

Eventually Mr. Simmons ends up outside the ring and well, while he was there, he figured he'd take a swing at Kane. UT then goes after X, who somehow ended up on all fours on the floor with UT looming over behind him. I think I heard X scream, 'OH NO, NOT AGAIN!!! EEEEP!!' Hey, HE admitted to getting beat up all the time. But what UT plans for him is mighty harsh. UT is looking to slip him the devil dog.

Ooh, I love devil dogs. A little dry but still yummy.

Eventually Show chokeslams X and Kane is getting beat up on the outside by UT and Mr. Simmons. I wonder where Bradshaw went. He ran straight for what was important to him.. the deli trays. He's got to keep that womanly figure, you know.

Anyways, poor X is beaten in the ring, 'Oh well.. all in a day's work.' Kane gets in the ring, stands over him like, 'I can't believe you got your ass kicked again! You love being horizontal, don't you??'

Backstage, Testes is with Stephanie. I guess he's trying to shmooze and woo her, since the following caps exhibit that his woo-ing techniques are on full force. They are on dork level 2000.

Here he looks like the buzzard from a Bugs Bunny episode. Aaaw nope.. nope.. aw no no no .. Also he's trying to shmooze her with complicated hand gestures. Here he's going to say, 'nanu nanu..'

Steph's reply? 'HEY BUNNY!!' I'm sure that as Testes is looking at her, he is envisioning a huge standing carrot.

Testes looks like he's about to leave but Steph looks worried. She's worried that he'll get lynched by Dork Bashers if he steps outside anywhere. But Testes doesn't worry. He's gonna go. 'Well, I'm going now.. see me going? I'm gonna go.. This is me going.. '

Oh, but before he really leaves, he levels her with his Smooth Shmooze move number.. 3. It's called the 'Right back atcha' move. 'Bang bang,' he may have said, but he just can't do it right because of his carpal tunnel syndrome. Heh.

Spoof of the Blair Witch Project performed by Blue Meanie and Stevie Richards, titled The Legend of Blond Bytch. You guys are silly, how could you. WE would never think about doing things like that, making a mockery of something.... anything!

Testes comes out to the ring and for crying out loud, man, how can you propose to someone wearing those clothes??! Well, at least he doesn't have socks with sandles. Testes takes the mic and talks about the hell he's been through and that it was for 'one reason and the RUN reason..' Ruh-Roh. I think his teeth got in the way.

Testes says, ' There comes a time when a man has to ask a question...' (Like, 'Am I gay?' and 'Why do I wear women's underwear?'... BC) Stephanie comes to the ring, perhaps to ask, 'Yeah, why are you wearing my underwear??' Shane runs in (in about 2 seconds flat, that boy can really run) but he can't stop the two lovebirds. Well, the lovebunny and the chick.

Testes proposes to her and she says she has to think about it but she says, 'I love you, Andrew..' Hey, who is this Andrew person?? I think Testes better find that dude and beat the crap out of him too. If you don't know how to do it, ask Steve Austin.

Backstage, Jericho is telling Finkel that he needs a warrior to keep the Y2J thing together. In the least, Jericho has the plastic thingy that holds his 6-pack together. Very very nice.

Jarrett, Debra and Mark Henry enter the ring. You know, the make-up crew gives Debra more and more hair every week. If you guys don't stop, she'll soon have a hair explosion on her head and birds will find it adequate to nest in there. Jarrett gives Henry the European belt but Henry couldn't even fit it around his waist. Then Jarrett has a gift for Debra. Jerry Lawler's girlfriend! Did you ask Jerry if that was alright??

Oh, her name is Miss Kitty. She's like the mini-me version of Debra. This is getting scary. Actually they should have just called her Miss Donut since her eyes were soooo glazed over. 'Where am I?? Who am I?? What am I??'

It's supposed to be Jarrett vs. Meat (someone ought to give Meat some more hair and some good looks too) but D'lo is tenderizing Meat backstage. Meat attempts to get away, 'Hey, let me crawl out of here with dignity, huh??' Nah, why should he?

D'lo comes out to wrestle Henry but alas, interference by Jarrett keeps the belt around Henry's... uh.. on Henry's shoulder. He should wrap it around his neck instead. That would be a perfect fit, I'm sure.

Oh by the way, Jarrett had put up an open invitation for wrestlers to sign up for a shot at his IC belt. Backstage, Butt is looking for a pen and tells Chyna to make sure no one signs up. Silly girl pulls out a pen from her bra (I wonder what else she's got in there.. tape dispenser, stapler remover...) and signs herself up.

Rock enters. Signage: Illustration of the Rock .. spewing his tongue out. What is he, a lizard??

Rock vs. Gangrel accompanied by his hard boys. Before they flounced down the ramp, I think I heard Gangrel say to them, 'Come on boys...' (in the gayest manner possible, that is). The Fair Hard Boy's arm warmers have holes in them now. Has Gangrel been chewing on you now?? He probably took his arm and said, 'Oh, cara mia..' and started feasting. By the way, Hardy Boys shirt color update. Blond Hardy is Grape and the Dark Hardy is Licorice. Yummy.

Eventually the Hard Boys interfere and Edge and Christian run in to give chase. This leaves just Gangrel with Rock. At one point, Gangrel was interrupted by his long lost love, Turnie (remember his beloved turnbuckle that he made a mad lovedash for about two weeks ago?). (Hey, where's Rock's hand going to??? ... BC)

Bloated nuts.

Rock wins.

Backstage Kevin Kelly interviews Tori. As soon as she spoke, the 'Man-Voice' radars went off. Alert, alert, man voice!

Finkel runs in to the Ultimate Warrior's music. Still there's nothing he can do to camouflage his 'announcer's' voice. Go on, Guy Smiley. He calls out Road Dogg who says, 'Surely you must be joking.' Fink should have replied, 'I'm not joking and don't call me Shirley..' I reckon the movie Airplane was also a big staple in our sarcastic lives. Then the lights go out and in comes Jericho. He's at least starting to perform some wrestling moves. He powerslams Dogg, then tells Dogg to hold onto his wrists as he lifts Dogg up and re-delivers the power slam. You strong! I go tell my mother.

Crash Holly vs. Holly. For some reason, I thought they announced 'Crack Holly' instead of 'Crash Holly'. He really should be named Mini Holly. I'll call him that from now on. Eventually they take their battle to the back as well. As they get banged around on the doors, we figure that Mr. Simmons, with a towel on his head, should have poked his head out and say, 'Who da hell is knocking on my door? I'm trying to shower..'

Show/ UT and Bearer are doing commentary for the X/ Kane vs. Mideon/ Viscera match. You know I get this feeling that whoever is booking the 'guest commentators' for certain matches is really looking to cause anarchy amongst the players. I sense sabotage! By the way, check out UT's bald spot.  Whoops. Camera men are being evil. No Rogaine in Hell.

By the way, I'd like to petition that Mideon and Viscera start rolling down the ramp just so they can get to the ring faster. Their body shapes are ripe for rolling. Before Mideon starts going at X, he gets into position.. as ... a monkey?? (a prairie dog.... BC)

UT talks about the Acolytes and how he brought them 'to the dance and they forgot about that'. Hey UT, I've seen you perform the Dark Lord of Dance. Dancing with you is probably something they blocked out of their minds, I'm sure. Besides, they probably just didn't know how to dance. Perhaps they should try clog dancing. Anyone see the Folgers commercial with some chick clog dancing?? Her feet are a spastic blur.. she really should stop drinking the Folgers. (She really should do the clog dancing with sneakers... I'd hate to be her downstairs neighbor...BC)

The Acolytes then interfere in the match and X loses the match.... AGAIN. Kane is getting a little tired of this it seems. He stands above X, 'You did it again, didn't you.. you lose the match EV-EH-REE single time... I get the feeling that I'm doing all the work here.'

Billy Butt enters the ring. We hear something new in his entrance theme music. He likes to buff em?? Well, wax on, wax off, butt boy. What a disturbing entrance theme music. Then again, Butt and his girlie accessories are pretty disturbing. He calls Chyna out and says, 'There's a misunderstanding between you and I.' No, more like there's a misunderstanding between you and your girlie choker accessory there. You are misunderstanding the fact that it's a girl accessory.

Jarrett then runs in to clock Chyna with the guitar.. okay, he guitars Chyna and then Butt guitars Jarrett.

Whatever.

Rock is doing commentary and Shane is special ref for the Mankind vs. HHH match.

Can someone show HHH this picture of what he looks like with the underlighting? I guarantee that he would stop doing it. No neck, simian eyebrows, beady eyes, is that a headband on his head? He's going for that Conan look, huh? As he's walking down the ramp, his new chainmail outfit is swinging side to side. Y'all think that after he slipped into his outfit, he looked into the mirror and said to himself, 'there.. good thing I don't look gay.'

As HHH waited for Mick, he had a bit of time to bounce about the ring. Maybe he's trying to clog dance. Shane looks at him, 'Hey, what are you doing? We're on live television, you know.'

Just when it seemed HHH was going to succumb to the sock, Chyna runs in... and gets the sock in her mouth also. There, good thing she was there to save the match.

With the assistance of Chair, HHH becomes the WWF champ. As if that belt really means much anymore. Well, in the least it can hold up your pants. In the case of Mark Henry, it can hold his .. head up.

This is Chokee.. we had a really LONG ECW night and I'm tired.