By Chokee Slam

Npdypm......... hmffrff.. Sorry, my hands were not alligned correctly with the keyboard.

Boston, MA!

Rock enters and the chick announcer says, 'ZAAAAAAAAAAAARAAAAAAACK!!!!' She's good. Well then, HAZAR to you!

Rock spews the typical speech, starting with an extra touch of phlegm when he says, 'Finally...' He sounds like a she-male, or Marge Simpson's sisters. Remember when they said, 'kootchie kootchie koo..'?

Signage: Illustration of .... is that a fingerprint??  It's a blue fingerprint. It must be a blueprint. HA.. get it? Fine but who wants boring commentary, huh? Rock calls out HHH who doesn't answer the call so Rock decides to go to the back to get him. He roams the halls and just before he turns a corner, HHH leaps out on top of him.

Suddenly, Mankind and hoards of referees also flood out from around that corner as well. Say, how many more people are hiding there? Is our good buddy, The Serial Hugger Tony Garea there also?? And perhaps 50 other people are all waiting to pounce on Rock? Actually, I'm sure there are 50 people there but they're all holding Garea back from his uncontrollable urge to hug. I'm sure he's got his hugging claws formed and ready. Judging from the log of Hugging Attacks, HHH is definitely his favorite.

Over to the announcer's table. Hey, two species from the Dreg of Society are behind Lawler and JR. There's the Mouth Breather (*credit to Ms. Cooley, she so coo. The definition of 'Mouth Breathers' are those people who remain in a perpetual state of complexity, therefore, mouths remain ajar and are sometimes seen with a thread of drool hanging from the corner or with the occassional fly renting oral space). Next to him is his friend with the one continuous eyebrow. We'll call him Chaka (from Land of the Lost, if anyone doesn't remember). Mouth Breather also looks like he's about to shoot a load onto Lawler.

Shane McMahon and his Posse enter the ring. Now why do the Posse members wear the same clothes?? Well, if they're a Doo-Wap band, I suppose it's understandable. However, Shane dresses differently from them and of course, the most logical explanation is that he's the lead singer. Oh yes, that's a doo-wap law. Hey Shane, get your Pips in line, okay?

Is it cold in there?? Shane's nips are singing. He can poke an eye out. Hell, if he was standing next to Mideon's shirt, he'd definitely poke that eye out. Anyways, you'll have to rename your doo-wap quartet to Shane-O Mac and the Nips. Wow, that would mean eight nips in total. Nippular.

By the way, Pete Frog, who is sporting a neck brace, looks even more froggish than usual. He must be drinking frog juice, using frog lotion, doing frog exercises, studying Frogtology and joined the underground (or under the lily pad) covert operations, F.R.O.G.

By the way, Shane beat Mankind on the last Smackdown show and he now professes himself the King of Hardcore. It was a pretty good leap you took at Summerslam but you've got a long way to go before you can surpass Mankind. In the least, you need to dislocate something. (Not just your car keys... BC)

Shane challenges Mankind to take on all his Pips in a handicap match. Mick accepts and Shane is the special ref. I tell ya, some people can set up whatever match they'd like and throw in any stipulation. You just have to play along with it. It's very much like life, huh? You just have to learn how to deal with it, right?? Unless you're a sniveling, spoiled, unstable, insecure yet EGOTISTICAL (ego is needed only to cover up the insecurities and shortcomings), completely DEPENDANT, hypocritical brat who cannot handle life as it comes and needs to have the umbilical chord constantly attached to SOMEONE.

And as Austin says, that's all I'se got to say about that..

Oh wait, there's something else I'se got to say about that. Die, you worthless waste of air.

Okay, I move on (unlike some people, I can move on).

Many items are used in this match, including really flimsy looking garbage cans. Shane takes them and throws them out of the ring. I bet they just collapsed and folded in like an accordian. Of course, HHH runs in to interfere. He gets in the ring and he's ready... to get knocked down by Mick. HHH is UP again and Mick hits him again. UP again! And down again. UP! Down. UP! Hey, will you make up your mind?

Shane holds HHH back but again, I don't know what sort of scent HHH is giving off but MANY are wanting to .. touch him, hug him, and I bet, style his hair. Shane is just going for the HHH boobs (those are HUGE boobs!). He's yearning to do it and....

he skillfully accomplishes the task by using The Soft Nork Torque maneuver. Shane torqued, then pressed and kinda squeezed. My goodness. Next he'll lick his fingers and rub on them but this is family entertainment, remember? I hope you remember because I don't. I don't think the WWF does either. Heh.

Oh, Mankind loses the match.

Cole interviews UT, Big Show and Bearer. UT talks about Rock's cakehole. What's the difference between a cakehole and a piehole, I ask. Is it just ... creamier? Fluffier?? Cakier?? Moister?? (There's pudding in the mix... BC) Has anyone experienced the 'Two Pieholes Going at the Same Time' dilemma? It usually result from stomach viruses, bad foods or looking at Big Show's Big Shlong.

Anyways, they go to the ring and UT speaks. This is always.. an experience. He says, 'I've been thinking about this... (pause) .. and no way...(pause).... no how .. has the Rock earned... (pause) (is he getting paid by the hour?).. (oh, at this point, his tongue fumbles).. theeeeeee (that wavers) respect... or is entitled .... for me to beat.. (long pause)... his stupid ... (he takes 3 paces here, THREE (!!) paces!) .... stand-up comedic routine... (paaaause)... ass... . rightheretonighttonightsoBigShowyou'regonnadoit.' Whoa, was that a sneeze at the end there?

Big Show's expressions sums it up best, 'Whut are you saying??' Hey UT, if you pause too much it just sounds like you're spewing random words out. I mean, that's pretty easy, as compared to forming complete sentences. Perhaps I can do my reports that way.

Undertaker ... flab rolleth .. over.. PEPSI.. (sorry, I always revert to food)... Sundees.. refrigerator..

Nah, doesn't work. It's gonna be the Rock vs. Big Show while UT does commentary. Good grief, must we endure?

UT's got his little headphones on, he relaxes... but not before he lets out a gas bubble. Hey, doesn't everyone look like that when they release??

By the way, we're very traumatized with the Big Show's high jiggle-factor. It's really out of control and he needs a jello mold or something to keep it together. Geez, no cool fruitiness neither, it's just grease, oil and fats. By the way, he needs to wear MORE clothes. Take the sail off a boat and wrap him up like a burrito please. I would be very grateful. I don't have money to give but we made brownies yesterday.

Check out UT's finger. Whoa, it's mighty long that it looks bent out of shape. Wow, I bet he can tickle his brain if he stuck that finger up his nose.

UT does commentary and says, '(Show) will systematically dismantle him..' You know, it's pretty pathetic when you have to start using Michael Cole's favorite words. Utterly pathetic, I say, tremendously pathetic. I would tremendously NEVER EVER take any tremendous commentary from any tremendously repetitive tremendous human being. I would try to make up my own tremendous words.

Oh, and another thing.......... tremendous.

UT states that Show doesn't realize he is 7 feet tall and 500 pounds. Mm, I'd have to argue with that. Everytime he gets into a car and the muffler drags on the ground or when he sleeps in a hotel room and his shins and feet are dangling off the foot of the bed AND the bed caves in, I think he knows. I think he'll also start to get a little suspicious when he finds himself eating a whole turkey for breakfast and a side of beef for a snack and for an occassional munchie? Gnawing on Gangrel.

UT continues (you know, UT should do more commentary, we're getting a lot of material), 'When he wants to, he will destroy and I mean destroy...' You're Foghorn Leghorn now? 'Destroy, Ah say, Ah say, destroy.' Oh, to continue, '.. the Rock is nothing but phoney tough and crazy brave.' (I thought he said, 'Phoney talk and crazy train... BC) Oh yeah, I think THAT makes more sense. All aboard.. HAHAHAHAHA .... Crazy.. well that's how it goes..

Crazy Brave?? That's one lunatic Indian, huh? I wonder how he performs a rain dance.

Rock eventually ends up hitting UT but Show chokeslams Rock through the announcer's table. That's a waste of a perfectly good announcer's table, you know.

Suddenly, the belly of the beast eclipsed us.  Will you at least shave your bikini line? Do you think anyone wants to see what you're growing down there? HHH comes in, shoves UT out of the way, in order to get to Rock. UT grabs HHH by the throat. Well, you WERE rude but I'm sure HHH was like, 'The hair.. just be careful of the hair..'

Backstage, Cole is with Al Snow as he makes a plea to get Pepper back. However, there's noise in the background of a male and female moaning in ecstasy. It must be Meat.. all over Billy Butt. Al looks very disgusted.. and THAT you should be.

Bossman enters the ring, calls Al out. Bossy wants to do what's right and return Pepper to Al. Bossy claims to have a heart. He says, 'I know, I was a kid..' Hey Bossy, I can't imagine you EVER being small but.. go on... 'I had a dog... it got ran over by a dog..'

Al's reaction? 'He got run over by a DOG??!' You know, Bossy didn't even catch the mistake. He didn't miss a beat at all as he just kept going. Of course, we wonder if that dog was a teeny tiny little chihuahua (please pronounce that as spelled) and it got run over by .. say, a huge, vicious, snarling ball of canine terror, like a St. Bernard. Of course, the St. Bernard was probably towing along a sled with a rotund Eskimo screaming, 'MUSH!!'

Well, think of it this way, at least it got run over by another dog. Imagine it's embarrassment if it was run over by.. a hoard of pussycats. Or three blind mice. Or it got knocked over by a breeze.

Anyways, Bossy said he'll return Al's dog on Thursday and there will be 'no tricks, no games..' Doesn't sound like a lot of fun to me. Any music? Dancing? Parchese? I can't imagine Bossy dancing. I'm sure the last time he attempted, many people were hurt.

X-Pac comes out guzzling his ENERGY drink. He looks at the can like, 'What IS this stuff?? HEY! It's not ENERGY!! It's Sprite!!' Still, I would like to try the energy drink. If X is sponsoring it, I'm sure the advertisement pitch would be, 'I can make love to 50 men after drinking this! I can go all night!'

It's X vs. Taka Michinoku (with Funaki). Taka gets the mic (must he?) and says, 'Master got 2 words for you.. Sucko It!' Is he saying he wants to stucco it?? (He also said, 'Bastard', not 'Master'... BC) Wow, you speak Japanese? (Si... BC)

Anyways the match starts and it looks like Taka lost X already. 'Where'd he go? He was here just few minutes ago. I lose more and more opponents this way. Maybe I better stucco them to wall or something.. that way, I don't lose them.'

Backstage, UT is watching the match on the monitor. He must be thinking, 'Heeey.. that Japanese guy is cute.. I like Japanese food. He better not drop the soap because I may lose control.. I'm so excited.. like the Pointer Sisters...' Oh, I can't believe he said that. The POINTER SISTERS!

By the way, here's a fashion don't. Funaki's panties. They're entirely too high, entirely too striped. I think the WWF has this bin full of ugly wrestling outfits with a sign on it that says, 'Garment designers' rejects'. Just throw them out, use it to clean the toilets or something but, please, whatever you do, do not let the wrestlers wear them.

Of course there is a chance that the wrestlers chose those tights. Oh well, they're wrestlers, not fashion experts, right? Who even knows if they're not color blind.

Oh, Taka loses by the way to the X-Factor. I'm really shocked. Not. Funaki then runs in and gets the same treatment, but I'm sure it was because he was sporting those panties and well.. it hurts X's eyes.

Oh by the way, here's a gratuitous panty shot of X, as he exits the ring.  Hey, nobody's home??? It would be gratuitous if someone was home. Cole then interviews X who says 'a win is a win' but he wants the BIG BOYS! Oh really.. I didn't know it was like that.

Backstage, something is going on. I'd say it's the Night of the Living Mid-Carders. Droz, Prince Albert, Mideon, Viscera, Blue Meanie, Stevie Richards with hoards of refs are making a ruckus. Hey, our buddy Tony Garea is looking for someone to hug again but it looks like Prince Albert is the only one within reach. Now, for a serial hugger to reject Prince Hairy, that shows some will power!

He may be cured of his mental disease as we witness Garea actually pushing him away! Meanie might be hollering, 'ME! ME! HUG ME!! Come on, you stupid Kiwi!' (Garea is from New Zealand, ya know) (thanks to our New Zealand fans for letting us know it's not a derogatory term..) (not that it would stop us.. right Cheeseheads??) (D'OH).

Eventually, Garea grabs Mideon by the arm.'You'll hug me, won't you??'

Edge and Christian (who is sporting a new mesh shirt) eventually get in the ring. They had to climb over the audience members, the hot dog vendor and they had to beat up the little granny who was holding onto Edge's leg telling him he should eat more.

HEY EDGE! Hello there! You REALLY like Christian's new shirt, don't you???!! They go against the Hard Boys, but Edge has already proven that he's the hardest boy in the ring. Oh, Hard Boys' shirt color update. Blond Hard Boy is ... (Cherries Jubilee??? ...BC). I was thinking more of Menstrual Clot. Oh, Dark Hard Boy is licorice again.

Even before the start of the match, it seems that Blond Hard Boy is having his own match in the corner. He's intent on challenging the ropes. I'm sure it was Austin who told him how vicious they were.

Ally- WHOOP! (Everyone is looking at you, by the way, now stop playing with that ring rope. I ain't kiddin' boy, get your ass in the ring!)

I suppose Christian is rather bored at Blond Hard Boy's antics. He violently yawns. Either that or he caught a looksie at himself on the Titantron and screams, 'OH MY GOD!! AM I REALLY WEARING THAT???!! HOW COULD I??!!!??!!' Oh, don't be so hard on yourself, Edge likes it and he can be hard on both of you... oh geez.. I stop.

Oh, is this a Tag Team Elimination Bout? The Acolytes and The Hollys make their way in. Mini Holly looked into the camera and he looks frightened. 'DON'T FILM ME!!' Don't worry, you're not Amish, it won't swallow your soul.

Eventually Miscera and Videon (whoops) and Droz come in (but they're not officially supposed to be in the match). Okay, now Meanie and Stevie Richards run in and it's a mess now. Then Garea runs and this is the point where everyone should have scattered like roaches. Hell, Garea had his hugging arms polished and sharpened. He's ready, man.

Unfortunately for him, he didn't score this time.

Rock comes out. You know, dude, if you're coming out to wrestle, you really should put your wrestling panties on. Around your head, that is. Lawler says, 'He's hot, JR!' I didn't know Jerry swung that way.

Rock gets the mic and shows us his 'Monkey Ass' stance.   Posture! Posture!! This is not a Slumpfest!

Mankind comes out, says he would like to be Rock's partner. Okay. Done deal.

Meat with Terri Runnels. On the Titantron, a GTV segment is played. The footage is Meat behind the curtains kissing some blond chick. I told you all it was Billy Butt! Oh, actually it's Marianna so Terri is rather pissed and Chaz and Marianna run out and they all roll all over each other. End of story.

Debra, Jarrett and Kitty enter. Kitty bends over for the audience. Say, what's she packing in there? Her purse?? She's .. so endowed. I think she's bigger than X-Pac! Oh, dear, sorry. (Well, X-Pac does that have the rapid tongue action...)

It's Jarrett with Mark Henry vs. D'lo and Billy Butt. Chyna does commentary.

Ha... hahaha.. heh... okay, this is hilarious. Mark Henry attempts to do that Diesel move where he bounces off the opposite rope and lands sitting on the back of D'lo, who is leaning on the second rope. Anyways, here's the step by step:

There goes Henry, thinking, 'I so coo.. I'm gonna do this great great agility move. It contains lots of agilitiness.. (lots of agilosity... BC). It's so coo, just watch.'

Ah, it's a success as his butt makes contact.

His butt continued making contact. Yes, world, Henry SLID off D'lo and onto the ground outside the ring. D'lo is perhaps asking, 'What happened?' I'm sure he meant to do that. That's always the case in situations like that. Like that time I meant to get bent all out of shape as my shoes made me buckle.

Jarrett wants the tag in since he figures Henry needs to take the next flight out and hide in some dark, dark cave and never show his face to the public ever again. Jarrett is a bit anxious though. Can you take your spilling boob off the rope and put it back on your breast plate please? By the way, after seeing this, Chokee lets out a wail of terror. Is that a tumor, Jarrett?

Chyna then hits Butt with the guitar that was really meant for Jarrett. Well, if there weren't so many blondes in the WWF, she wouldn't have had a problem.

Backstage, Testes is speaking with Patterson and Crisco. Testes wants the one of the two who has the best memory to hold the ring. Patterson says, 'You want both of us to be the bestmen?' Hey Pat, Best and Men are two separate words. I wouldn't do dat dink!

We missed you by the way.

Kenny Shamrock vs. Gangrel with the Hard Boys in tow. Of course the Hard ones interfere which prompts a Kenny to say, 'I'll kick those girls' asses!' He would then add, 'the blond one is cute though..'

During this match, we see a Kenny taking a little stroll. All is calm, Kenny's whistling and adding a few la la la's in between. 'Look, this is me strolling. I'm walking, yes indeed, I'm talking.. like you and me..'

Then..  this happened. Kenny may have yipped, 'Oh, my goodness..' which is a very normal reaction from anyone who sees a hand creeping out from in between their legs. See, normally, I'm sure Kenny wouldn't care but when they're MAN hands.... that's just not right. For HIM, that is. I'm okay with it.

The tune changes of course to, 'Now I'm falling, yes indeed, I'm rolling.. over this tick.. and I'm looking, at my feet...'

After Kenny wins the match, Finkel comes out and tells him to look at the Titantron. Then he runs away. Of course it's Jericho on the big screen and he said stuff. Yeah.. stuff. There you go.. my reporting expertise. Who shall challenge me??

Flashback of the evening gown match between Ivory and Tori on Smackdown. Cole calls out Ivory for an interview and she calls Tori a 'slut'. Then she calls her a 'slutslutslutslutslut', which actually get bleeped. Okay so 'slut' in singular is alright but 'slutslutslutslutslut' is not acceptable for listening audiences? By the way, how many sluts is that?

Tori eventually runs in, then Luna, then Jacqueline. Now this following scene looked rather uncomfortable. Tori is trying to pull Ivory's shirt off, positioning her arm back. Then Jacqueline somehow falls into the scene and smears Ivory . I gotta tell you though, if Ivory's arm was in a more uncomfortable position, it would have been an unfortunate accident. Thankfully, she's alright.

There will be no smearing on wrestlers, okay? What are they, cream cheese? OH, the Serial Hugger runs in and cinches in the Inverted Hug on Jacqueline. My goodness, he works so fast. I didn't even see him come in. He must have teleported.

UT, Show vs. Mankind and Rock. We get a photo still of that match and UT's got his hand out like he's in need of a few pennies. You the Underbeggar now?

Big Show handles the whole match while UT walks around (at least try some power walking, dude). Meanwhile, SHOW! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??! Get offa him! He's innocent!

Eventually Bearer comes in, and he and UT (I almost typed IT.. heh) go to the back, leaving Show to lose the tag belts.

Oh well. That belt is so transient, who knows where it'll end up next. Perhaps around Taka and Funaki's waists? But I'm sure they'd play hoola hoops with the belts considering they're so small. Well, better than nothing, huh?

Hoola hoop. Chokee Choke.