By Chokee Slam

Hartford, CT

Rock enters.. he smells.. cooking. Here's a topic of discussion: we know that wrestlers travel so much that they must lose sense of time and place on occassion. There should be a day when the Rock won't know where he is. Judging from this picture, this may be the day.  'Where am I this time? Maybe I'll just have to say.. 'here'.'

Okay, let's try that. 'Finally the Rock has come back... here. To this place. This arena.. where I'm standing.' Technically, when he walks back up that ramp, he's finally gone back to.. the place he was before. He can retrace every step and say, 'Finally, I've come back.... here. To this spot.. where I was before..'

Rock makes it into the ring and goshdarn it, he really doesn't know where he is this time. Scanning through the audience signs tends to give an assist since there are hoards of people who make uninventive and unoriginal signs based on the current tasty catch phrase of the week.

Rock talks about Kane having fire coming out of the posts, his ass, basically everywhere. He's not Gamera, you know. If he was, he'd have to come out to the ring spinning around like a bastich. This would most likely cause an accident of dizzying proportions. In other words, Kane will spin himself into the audience.

Rock and Mankind are scheduled for a match against Kane and X-Pac. The music cues, out comes Kane.. but without X. Where he be? In Kane's back pocket, I would assume. He'd fit.

For some reason, HHH has decided to be his partner. In hopes that the WWF Shallow Brigade will put an end to HHH and the unfriendly underlighting, I show the world, this picture. We twitch. We seize up. We then laugh our asses off.

Eventually Chyna comes in with her unobtrusive sledgehammer. 'What sledgehammer? Oh, this thing?? It's a... meat tenderizer. I'm going to tenderize HHH's meat. He asked.'

We understand.

Obviously Kane and HHH don't work well together. JR even cites that 'Kane wants no part of Triple H.' Not even a single H! Not even the slash in the middle of the letter H. He is so denied!

Eventually, Kane is hit by the sledgehammer and he loses the match.

At this point, I stop the footage and scream out to Bostin, 'WHITE FANG!' Anyone who doesn't know me would of course leave the room and go to the safety of their own homes. Bostin knows that I'm just making a correlation with the Kane/X storyline to the Wolf/Human relationship in White Fang.

X feels that he's the weak link of the duo, yes? Perhaps X thinks that in order for Kane to reach his full potential, he can't be pulling a load. Or in the case of White Fang, the wolf can't be pulling a sled with a rotund Eskimo screaming, 'Mush!' So, X believes that if he leaves Kane, only then would Kane burgeon. Of course, in order to detach thyself from your faithful animal, you may need to treat it harshly. You have to cast it away (though it doesn't want to leave you) by telling the animal that it looks or smells funny...

That oughta work.

I think I analyzed that way too much. Well hey, it IS a soap opera, yes? By the way, in most liklihood, the wolf ran off into the wild and was promptly shot by some poachers or perhaps met its demise the same way Boss Man's dog did. It got run over by another dog (pulling a sled with an Eskimo screaming bloody 'MUSH').

Oh, HHH continues to hammer Kane with the sledgehammer (he should have sang the Peter Gabriel song while doing that.. but carry on). UT and Show come in to save. By the way, does UT have Old Man Syndrome now? His pants are hiked up pretty high. Soon, he'll wear knee-hies that roll down and look like nylon donuts around the ankles.

Kane awakes to see UT and Show staring at him. Kane tries to get away.. wriggles somewhat..

By the way, UT and Show have NOT moved a decimeter as they're trying to figure out what Kane is doing. I think it's performance art, by the way. He's a worm wriggling through dirt.

Kane manages... to get a leg up! Meanwhile, Show and UT still haven't moved. I think the cameras cut away and two mannequins were placed in the ring.

Good, Kane managed to finally roll over. UT and Show were probably thinking, 'Red dude, you were like a bug on your back.'

Finally, the real UT and Show were placed back into the ring. Whatsamatta with you, Show. You can't even grow a full beard? Is it a goatee or just a mustache gone AWOL?

Jarrett (with Miss Kitty) vs.Jacqueline. He of course, whoops her ass and eventually hits her over the head with the guitar. Hey, y'all know that's a real guitar, right?? A real paper guitar, that is. Geez, where do people come up with some shit?

Edge and Christian make their way into the ring through the audience for their match against Acolytes. Say, why not go extreme and come in from the highest tiers?? Better yet, let's have their entrance start at the airport.

Edge gets in the ring, urges the audience to really whoop it up.   'Come on.. get excited, people! Look at Christian's ass leech! Better yet, look at the slug in my pants!' Oh dear.

JR updates us on Jacqueline's condition. He said she may have a concussion. You must mean paper cuts and splinters.

Cameras cut to JR and Lawler. By the way, world, see that Energy drink on the table?? That's not for drinking, that is just appropriate product placement. Why didn't you guys just Vanna-White it by passing a delicate hand over the product. Advertise dammit, you must advertise. Actually, X is already the proud sponsor of the product and I already want to give it a try.

It must contain ginseng, black tea, caffeine, Friskee bits, Human Nip, SUGAR, Yellow 5, Blue 1, Red 40, thiamin mononitrate sodium hexametaphosphate and of course, the secret ingredient, speed. (Of course, this brings to mind how smart it is to eat something you can't even pronounce).

As a public service announcement, Lawler shows us what happens when you have TOO much Energy. That's his 'Frog EEK face' by the way.

Backstage, Cole interviews Edge and Christian. Now if Cole was in any way, shape or form, an entertaining interviewer, he would have asked Christian, 'So.. how long have you had that leech on your ass and when do you think you'll have it removed?'

Their interview isn't even in full swing before Cole says in the most deadpan tone, 'Oh look.. there are the Acolytes.' He should have just said, 'Look.. yonder way... thy Acolytes are attacking.' Actually the Acolytes walk slowly towards them and the Dudleys attack them from behind with aluminum foil garbage cans.

Cole should have delivered his lines in deadpan style again, 'Oh, look yonder way past the fields of iron, it's the Dudley Boys. It's the Dudley Boys..'

GTV segment. Venis and Show are taking a squirt in the urinals. Venis looks at Show's penis, laughs and says, 'They call you the Big Show??' Big Show jiggles, zips up, and attacks Venis. Hey Venis, you piss with your pants on?

Cole interviews Meat who now wants to be known as Sean Stasiak. By the way, Mr. Stasiak, your hairplugs have gone awry. (You wanna harvest that wheat on your head??? ...BC) He talks about getting his foot into the WWF doors. You forgot to mention how painful it is when they close the door on that foot. Well, we better ask someone who is more familiar with that feeling, Steve Blackman. His foot is so bent out of shape at this point.

The Posse comes in, tells him his dad sucks and attacks. As with all Posse attacks, they scream, 'HIT RODNEY!! GET HIM!! GET HIM!!' Somehow, it looks like Rodney is growing out of Joey Abs' armpit.   All the more reason to hit him.

Venis comes out to the ring to address Big Show. He says, 'You wanna slap me around the bathroom..' You forgot to add, '...and make me cry like a three year old girl, huh?' JR states that Venis has guts. He definitely has guts to be looking at another man's penis at the urinals. Venis challenges the Big D'Oh.

Backstage, UT and Show are watching this on the monitor. UT says to Show, 'Well, you gonna pick that up?' as he gestures to the floor. Of course he meant if he was going to pick up the challenge but the Big Duh actually LOOKS down to the ground to see what needed to be picked up.  'Whut? I didn't drop nuthin'..'

UT looks to the ground as well.Actually I think he wanted to know if Show was going to pick his penis up off the floor. It's been dragging down there since last week.

Show accepts Venis' challenge.

Venis wages war on Show, I tell ya. Venis has Show in the corner, he looms over his head and pounces on it. Show shoves him off. Venis gets up, pounces on Show's head again. Show shoves his off. Venis is up and running again, 'AND ANOTHER!!' By the third time, I bet Venis pushed HIMSELF off Show. 'I'll save you the trouble, I'll do it myself.'

Eventually Show gets the chokeslam on Venis and EEEEEEEW! RAPE!! WRESTLER RAPE!! Show has his hand deep in that chasm! Show seems to be thinking, 'Oh, I think I feel your dinner in there.. did you have a whole turkey leg??' Was that The Atomic Stinkpalm maneuver?

Show leaves but here comes that dude who got the door slammed on his foot oh so many times. He comes in with the kendo stick. Perhaps he's going to say, 'Now THIS is going up your ass too.' OH! Mercy.

Backstage, Rooster Taylor speaks to the Dudleys. D'Von says, 'Number 1: Thou shalt not kill.. Number 2: thou shalt not steal..'I guess he'll soon rant about natural disasters, heaven and hell, dogs and cats living together..

Rooster then yells, 'LOOK OUT!' The Acolytes attack. Now I have to make a few points. Number 1: The unnecessary zooming in to Bradshaw's love handles.

Number 2: Bradshaw's big round ass in the camera. My, it's so round, so.. feminine. You know, a lot of people pay good money for a butt like that from Fredericks of Hollywood.

Finally, Number 3: LOOK OUT!!! It's Slaughter's right cheek! What's with that bump on the side? Is it a tumor? How short was this camera man?

Back to the ring. Lillian Garcia, the announcer, is about to .. announce but Finkel interrupts. He tells her to vamoose. As Finkel is going to intro the next wrestler, he says, 'Uh-oh.' A Kenny comes in and gives chase. The lights go out and Jericho's entrance footage is playing on the Titanton. I'm really mesmerized by the 'Growing Person'.

Check it out. It starts off as a small shrub..

And blossoms into... a silhouette of some dude (or is it a chick?) growing UP. 'I'm ERECTED!' it screams.

Jericho appears on the Titantron, says 'on Smackdown', he and Kenny will confront. Kenny pedals towards the back. Hey, Kenny, if you want to get to Jericho that badly, you should have thrown yourself onto the Titantron, be a cling-on and maybe gnaw on the screen a little.

HHH with Chyna... HHH was talking about something.. Billy Butt came out.. uh.. that is all.

The Posse with Terri Runnels. She does commentary and they ask her why she's with the Posse. She replies, 'Is it wrong to be with three classy, intelligent men?' No, there's nothing with that. But why are you hanging out with the Posse? And where are those three classy intelligent men? I'd like to meet them.

Posse vs. Stooges with Testes.

Testes is about to give Rodney the power bomb, which of course, requires that the powerslammee must have his head in between the power slammer's legs. Instead this looks more like Testes' hairy nutsack are hanging loose. (Hey Testes, you have a hole in your pants, you better tuck that back in.. BC) Testes then shoved Rodney out the ring, 'Now get OOT of my ring!'

Eventually, Rodney returns. He's like a horror movie. 'Sometimes Flock of the Seagull Comes Back.' Testes attempts to give him the Pumphandle Slam but .. hey Rod, it takes TWO people to perform a perfect wrestling maneuver. You are NOT helping at all. Testes may be screaming, 'COME ON, you FAT ASS! ALLY-WHOOP already! I thought you said you weighed 212 lbs!'

Testes continues to scream, 'You friggin liar! GET UP!!' Rod's like, 'I CAN'T MAKE IT!!! DON'T MAKE ME!! GO ON WITHOUT ME!!'

Let's try it again, huh??  'Come on, get your other leg OVER!! WORK WITH ME HERE!!' I can just see the desperation in Testes' face.

Ah geez, just change the move to a body slam. This is not happening. Better yet, just push him oot of the ring again.

Ah, finally, Testes manages to complete the Gimp Handle Slam. Stooges and Testes win.

Hollys enter. There's something disturbing about a Mini Holly. He's like the evil little doppelganger.. (He's creepy and misguided... BC) Anyways, he carries a scale into the ring.

The Hard Boys come in. We still wonder why Gangrel has joined forces with the Hard Boys asides from the fact that he's a 'pretty boy' hag. Storywise, it's hard to figure out where to fit him since he doesn't fit in too many places. He can barely fit into his pants. I reckon he wouldn't fit in a garage.

Sorry. Luna.

Holly figures they don't have the requirements to be in the Super Heavyweight category so he wants to weigh them. Hardcore Holly calls Dark Hard Boy 'Anorexic Annie' and the Blond, 'Karen Carpenter'. Gangrel is suspicious as he tries to hold the Blond one back by.. grabbing his boob. Torque, don't forget the torque. Hey, did you get clearance from Luna??

Eventually Holly says to Gangrel, 'Hey Dracula, you fat bastard..'  Aw.. now THAT hurt. Also, judging by the look on Gangrel's face, he saw how much he weighs and that hurt too.

The match commences. We've noticed that the Hard Boys have a predilection for breaking their ass. This is our earliest memories of the Hard Boys and I reckon it's not our last. Put some meat on those butts, you're in need of cushioning. Perhaps you can borrow Christian's ass leech.

The Hollys actually win! Then lights out.. Crash Holly gets the blood bath and Holly laughs at him. They're getting very silly.

Cole interviews UT and Show. UT is still trying to find that thing that Big Show is supposed to pick up. I don't know dude, but I don't think you'll find it. It's at another part of the arena, ya know. Oh never mind. Keep looking.

UT starts talking about Rock and Mankind but I can't turn my focus away from his gnarled looking knuckly fingers.  How many knuckles do you have in that hand?? 50? UT then says that 'Mankind and Rock should quit figuring out which of them has a set of testicles and this cert..'

Cert? Does it have mouse-turd-looking retsyn in it?

Oh, UT is trying to say 'this Sursdee..' which is his drawling, gooberish attempt at saying 'Thursday'. Interview over and Show exits stage left, UT exits stage right. Show should have realized that he exited in the wrong direction and walked by the camera to Stage right. Of course if that happened, wrestling just wouldn't be taken seriously anymore, huh?

Backstage, Al Snow is dressed as Avatar and Cole has a very intense pacing scene. He paces to the right.. then he paces to the left. For a real good dramatic sequence, some mad sharpshooter should have shot him out of the camera view.

Avatar enters the ring. We get a Smackdown flashback sequence where Boss Man is feeding a tray of slop (looks like Moo Shoo Pork actually, but of course, it was Pepper) to Al in his hotel room. This, of course, made Al crack.

Avatar is talking about how he is to protect us from giant nucular monsters. Nucular, even! Eventually he snaps out of it and runs off barking madly.

Cole interviews Rock and Mankind. Rock finally does a funny imitation at UT's expense. Is Mick coaching you, dude?? Then Rock makes reference to UT's Mickey Mouse tattoos. HEEEY, I would take offense to that. He has many other tattoos besides Mickey Mouse. There's Donald Duck, Goofy, Little Mermaid, Bambi...

GTV segment. Marianna is on the phone begging someone to help her out. 'He won't talk to me', she says. JR wonders who she's talking to. Aw, you know, it's that guy... with the hair.. and the eyes.. she met him at.. a place.

D'lo vs. Steve Blackman. Blackman, again, carries his bag of weapons out to the ring. Let's suppose one day he brings out his luggage to the ring? Whoops. Then he'll reveal to the world that he packs his shampoo, conditioner, facial cleanser, and lotions, in zip-lock baggies. In other words, geek alert. Heh.

Mark Henry is escorted by two chicks and he does commentary. Lawler wants to know, 'are they Scandinavian?' Henry replies, 'I don't know but it's all gravy..'

GRAVY?! Is that all you can think about? FOOD??! Oh well, I can understand. I see Kane's chest as two large, robust, firm, succulent chicken breasts. Flame broiled, of course. By the way, Henry is just sitting there.. and he's already sweating. Dude, take it easy. You're over exerting yourself. For heaven's sake, don't move an eyeball, you might give yourself a heart attack.

Henry thinks that D'lo is worth about 'that much', as he drops his change onto the table. The camera cuts but we can hear Henry collecting his coins back. We understand really, those new quarters are a keeper.

Eventually, Venis runs into this match and hits Blackman with the kendo stick. Venis is pretty precise with that stick. Bonk bonk.. on the head. He then steals Blackman's bag!! Uh... robbery? Oh, D'lo wins and Henry runs in to attack him.

Ivory vs Tori in a hardcore women's bout. Must Tori ALWAYS be wearing thongs? She's got a disturbing man ass, you know. Oh well, if it's going to take panty and thong shots to get the women's division over, so let it be.

This match gets taken through the backstage area and hardcore women's items are used, including shampoo and tampons. Don't forget the douche! You can't get any more hardcore than that. As for the shampoo, I think they used Suave.

Eventually Ivory smeared soap on Tori's face. She, along with many women on this Earth, would naturally scream, 'NO don't let the world see me without my make-up on!!!!' The two girls continue going at it, throwing each other about, over tables, yanking hair, and Bostin tells me that those are the kind of fights her next door neighbors used to have. (Hey, they were sisters... you know how that gets... BC)

Actually I once had a fight with my sister which started with me telling her to fuck off and ended with me putting her in a headlock. See, wrestling has been such a big part of my life. Good thing I didn't put her in a sleeperhold. You know those things never work.

Oh well, let's see who's in attendance. It's Mabel, Prince Rug and a Naked Droz watching this match. Hey Droz, you KNOW you're going to be on tv, the least you can do is put some panties on! Or a sock. Geez. Okay, they should have just put them in those peek-a-boo booths and have the jiz mopper come by on occassion.

This match also gets taken into the shower area and Jacqueline was there, of course, taking a shower. Mm, well, I'm sure everyone would agree that it's important to be hygenically clean before you go to the hospital to take care of your concussion.

Ivory throws the lotion at Tori and the only words that echo through my head were, 'Put the lotion in the basket.. rub it in the skin or else you'll get the hose again..' Silence of the Lambs, 1990, Orion Pictures, directed by Jonathan Demme. Before you all think I'm like those men who memorize every little bit of trivia (like baseball trivia), I'll just say this: I have the video.

Life can be easy sometimes.

Ivory wins this match via hitting Tori over the head with a mirror. Then she places an unplugged iron onto Tori's back and .. insert foley of steak sizzling in pan. Mm, getting hungry.

Backstage, Kane is sitting in a corner, obviously upset. Our reactions? 'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw.' They know how to press our sympathy buttons. Press it .. press it nicely, okay?

Backstage, Chyna is stopped by Earl Hebner, who tells her she can't go 'there' (hey, finally the Rock's come back... there) because there are too many women problems going on. But Earl.... Duke Duke Duke, Duke of Earl Earl Earl (sorry), I'm sure Chyna just wanted to get her bottle of Suave.

HHH vs. Butt. During this match, JR calls it as it is. He says, 'a heiny by HHH..' What kind of move is that?? If anything, that should definitely be a finishing move by Billy Butt.

Alright, he said, 'high knee.'

JR starts to lose his voice and sounds possessed, but in spite of demon take-overs, he still perseveres. What a man, that JR. JR is also silly, saying that he can be objective in calling this match, even though he hates HHH for 'breaking' his arm. He then says, 'I hope he loses.' You shouldn't have held back at all, JR. You should have objectively called the match like so, '..a clothesline by Triple Shnoz.. how can a man with a flat ass do that heiny maneuver?'

No mercy.

Eventually the lights go out and Kane comes out. 'Give me back my friend', he may have thought. He attacks everyone (but he spared the squatters) and chokeslams Chyna. Yeah! You show her, Kane. Hell, you loved her even before her plastic surgery.

Okay, end of story. Hey, the show was cut pretty abruptly, so therefore, I do the same.