Okay, let's try that. 'Finally the Rock has come back... here. To this place. This arena.. where I'm standing.' Technically, when he walks back up that ramp, he's finally gone back to.. the place he was before. He can retrace every step and say, 'Finally, I've come back.... here. To this spot.. where I was before..'
Rock talks about Kane having fire coming out of the posts, his ass, basically everywhere. He's not Gamera, you know. If he was, he'd have to come out to the ring spinning around like a bastich. This would most likely cause an accident of dizzying proportions. In other words, Kane will spin himself into the audience.
Rock and Mankind are scheduled for a match against Kane and X-Pac. The music cues, out comes Kane.. but without X. Where he be? In Kane's back pocket, I would assume. He'd fit.
Eventually Chyna comes in with her unobtrusive sledgehammer. 'What sledgehammer? Oh, this thing?? It's a... meat tenderizer. I'm going to tenderize HHH's meat. He asked.'
Obviously Kane and HHH don't work well together. JR even cites that 'Kane wants no part of Triple H.' Not even a single H! Not even the slash in the middle of the letter H. He is so denied!
Eventually, Kane is hit by the sledgehammer and he loses the match.
At this point, I stop the footage and scream out to Bostin, 'WHITE FANG!' Anyone who doesn't know me would of course leave the room and go to the safety of their own homes. Bostin knows that I'm just making a correlation with the Kane/X storyline to the Wolf/Human relationship in White Fang.
X feels that he's the weak link of the duo, yes? Perhaps X thinks that in order for Kane to reach his full potential, he can't be pulling a load. Or in the case of White Fang, the wolf can't be pulling a sled with a rotund Eskimo screaming, 'Mush!' So, X believes that if he leaves Kane, only then would Kane burgeon. Of course, in order to detach thyself from your faithful animal, you may need to treat it harshly. You have to cast it away (though it doesn't want to leave you) by telling the animal that it looks or smells funny...
That oughta work.
I think I analyzed that way too much. Well hey, it IS a soap opera, yes? By the way, in most liklihood, the wolf ran off into the wild and was promptly shot by some poachers or perhaps met its demise the same way Boss Man's dog did. It got run over by another dog (pulling a sled with an Eskimo screaming bloody 'MUSH').
Oh, HHH continues to hammer Kane with the sledgehammer (he should have sang the Peter Gabriel song while doing that.. but carry on). UT and Show come in to save. By the way, does UT have Old Man Syndrome now? His pants are hiked up pretty high. Soon, he'll wear knee-hies that roll down and look like nylon donuts around the ankles.
Jarrett (with Miss Kitty) vs.Jacqueline. He of course, whoops her ass and eventually hits her over the head with the guitar. Hey, y'all know that's a real guitar, right?? A real paper guitar, that is. Geez, where do people come up with some shit?
Edge and Christian make their way into the ring through the audience for their match against Acolytes. Say, why not go extreme and come in from the highest tiers?? Better yet, let's have their entrance start at the airport.
JR updates us on Jacqueline's condition. He said she may have a concussion. You must mean paper cuts and splinters.
It must contain ginseng, black tea, caffeine, Friskee bits, Human Nip, SUGAR, Yellow 5, Blue 1, Red 40, thiamin mononitrate sodium hexametaphosphate and of course, the secret ingredient, speed. (Of course, this brings to mind how smart it is to eat something you can't even pronounce).
Backstage, Cole interviews Edge and Christian. Now if Cole was in any way, shape or form, an entertaining interviewer, he would have asked Christian, 'So.. how long have you had that leech on your ass and when do you think you'll have it removed?'
Their interview isn't even in full swing before Cole says in the most deadpan tone, 'Oh look.. there are the Acolytes.' He should have just said, 'Look.. yonder way... thy Acolytes are attacking.' Actually the Acolytes walk slowly towards them and the Dudleys attack them from behind with aluminum foil garbage cans.
Cole should have delivered his lines in deadpan style again, 'Oh, look yonder way past the fields of iron, it's the Dudley Boys. It's the Dudley Boys..'
GTV segment. Venis and Show are taking a squirt in the urinals. Venis looks at Show's penis, laughs and says, 'They call you the Big Show??' Big Show jiggles, zips up, and attacks Venis. Hey Venis, you piss with your pants on?
Venis comes out to the ring to address Big Show. He says, 'You wanna slap me around the bathroom..' You forgot to add, '...and make me cry like a three year old girl, huh?' JR states that Venis has guts. He definitely has guts to be looking at another man's penis at the urinals. Venis challenges the Big D'Oh.
Show accepts Venis' challenge.
Venis wages war on Show, I tell ya. Venis has Show in the corner, he looms over his head and pounces on it. Show shoves him off. Venis gets up, pounces on Show's head again. Show shoves his off. Venis is up and running again, 'AND ANOTHER!!' By the third time, I bet Venis pushed HIMSELF off Show. 'I'll save you the trouble, I'll do it myself.'
Show leaves but here comes that dude who got the door slammed on his foot oh so many times. He comes in with the kendo stick. Perhaps he's going to say, 'Now THIS is going up your ass too.' OH! Mercy.
Backstage, Rooster Taylor speaks to the Dudleys. D'Von says, 'Number 1: Thou shalt not kill.. Number 2: thou shalt not steal..'I guess he'll soon rant about natural disasters, heaven and hell, dogs and cats living together..
Back to the ring. Lillian Garcia, the announcer, is about to .. announce but Finkel interrupts. He tells her to vamoose. As Finkel is going to intro the next wrestler, he says, 'Uh-oh.' A Kenny comes in and gives chase. The lights go out and Jericho's entrance footage is playing on the Titanton. I'm really mesmerized by the 'Growing Person'.
Jericho appears on the Titantron, says 'on Smackdown', he and Kenny will confront. Kenny pedals towards the back. Hey, Kenny, if you want to get to Jericho that badly, you should have thrown yourself onto the Titantron, be a cling-on and maybe gnaw on the screen a little.
HHH with Chyna... HHH was talking about something.. Billy Butt came out.. uh.. that is all.
The Posse with Terri Runnels. She does commentary and they ask her why she's with the Posse. She replies, 'Is it wrong to be with three classy, intelligent men?' No, there's nothing with that. But why are you hanging out with the Posse? And where are those three classy intelligent men? I'd like to meet them.
Posse vs. Stooges with Testes.
Ah, finally, Testes manages to complete the Gimp Handle Slam. Stooges and Testes win.
Hollys enter. There's something disturbing about a Mini Holly. He's like the evil little doppelganger.. (He's creepy and misguided... BC) Anyways, he carries a scale into the ring.
The Hard Boys come in. We still wonder why Gangrel has joined forces with the Hard Boys asides from the fact that he's a 'pretty boy' hag. Storywise, it's hard to figure out where to fit him since he doesn't fit in too many places. He can barely fit into his pants. I reckon he wouldn't fit in a garage.
The Hollys actually win! Then lights out.. Crash Holly gets the blood bath and Holly laughs at him. They're getting very silly.
Cert? Does it have mouse-turd-looking retsyn in it?
Oh, UT is trying to say 'this Sursdee..' which is his drawling, gooberish attempt at saying 'Thursday'. Interview over and Show exits stage left, UT exits stage right. Show should have realized that he exited in the wrong direction and walked by the camera to Stage right. Of course if that happened, wrestling just wouldn't be taken seriously anymore, huh?
Backstage, Al Snow is dressed as Avatar and Cole has a very intense pacing scene. He paces to the right.. then he paces to the left. For a real good dramatic sequence, some mad sharpshooter should have shot him out of the camera view.
Avatar enters the ring. We get a Smackdown flashback sequence where Boss Man is feeding a tray of slop (looks like Moo Shoo Pork actually, but of course, it was Pepper) to Al in his hotel room. This, of course, made Al crack.
Avatar is talking about how he is to protect us from giant nucular monsters. Nucular, even! Eventually he snaps out of it and runs off barking madly.
GTV segment. Marianna is on the phone begging someone to help her out. 'He won't talk to me', she says. JR wonders who she's talking to. Aw, you know, it's that guy... with the hair.. and the eyes.. she met him at.. a place.
D'lo vs. Steve Blackman. Blackman, again, carries his bag of weapons out to the ring. Let's suppose one day he brings out his luggage to the ring? Whoops. Then he'll reveal to the world that he packs his shampoo, conditioner, facial cleanser, and lotions, in zip-lock baggies. In other words, geek alert. Heh.
Mark Henry is escorted by two chicks and he does commentary. Lawler wants to know, 'are they Scandinavian?' Henry replies, 'I don't know but it's all gravy..'
GRAVY?! Is that all you can think about? FOOD??! Oh well, I can understand. I see Kane's chest as two large, robust, firm, succulent chicken breasts. Flame broiled, of course. By the way, Henry is just sitting there.. and he's already sweating. Dude, take it easy. You're over exerting yourself. For heaven's sake, don't move an eyeball, you might give yourself a heart attack.
Henry thinks that D'lo is worth about 'that much', as he drops his change onto the table. The camera cuts but we can hear Henry collecting his coins back. We understand really, those new quarters are a keeper.
Eventually, Venis runs into this match and hits Blackman with the kendo stick. Venis is pretty precise with that stick. Bonk bonk.. on the head. He then steals Blackman's bag!! Uh... robbery? Oh, D'lo wins and Henry runs in to attack him.
Ivory vs Tori in a hardcore women's bout. Must Tori ALWAYS be wearing thongs? She's got a disturbing man ass, you know. Oh well, if it's going to take panty and thong shots to get the women's division over, so let it be.
This match gets taken through the backstage area and hardcore women's items are used, including shampoo and tampons. Don't forget the douche! You can't get any more hardcore than that. As for the shampoo, I think they used Suave.
Eventually Ivory smeared soap on Tori's face. She, along with many women on this Earth, would naturally scream, 'NO don't let the world see me without my make-up on!!!!' The two girls continue going at it, throwing each other about, over tables, yanking hair, and Bostin tells me that those are the kind of fights her next door neighbors used to have. (Hey, they were sisters... you know how that gets... BC)
Actually I once had a fight with my sister which started with me telling her to fuck off and ended with me putting her in a headlock. See, wrestling has been such a big part of my life. Good thing I didn't put her in a sleeperhold. You know those things never work.
This match also gets taken into the shower area and Jacqueline was there, of course, taking a shower. Mm, well, I'm sure everyone would agree that it's important to be hygenically clean before you go to the hospital to take care of your concussion.
Ivory throws the lotion at Tori and the only words that echo through my head were, 'Put the lotion in the basket.. rub it in the skin or else you'll get the hose again..' Silence of the Lambs, 1990, Orion Pictures, directed by Jonathan Demme. Before you all think I'm like those men who memorize every little bit of trivia (like baseball trivia), I'll just say this: I have the video.
Life can be easy sometimes.
Ivory wins this match via hitting Tori over the head with a mirror. Then she places an unplugged iron onto Tori's back and .. insert foley of steak sizzling in pan. Mm, getting hungry.
Backstage, Kane is sitting in a corner, obviously upset. Our reactions? 'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw.' They know how to press our sympathy buttons. Press it .. press it nicely, okay?
Backstage, Chyna is stopped by Earl Hebner, who tells her she can't go 'there' (hey, finally the Rock's come back... there) because there are too many women problems going on. But Earl.... Duke Duke Duke, Duke of Earl Earl Earl (sorry), I'm sure Chyna just wanted to get her bottle of Suave.
HHH vs. Butt. During this match, JR calls it as it is. He says, 'a heiny by HHH..' What kind of move is that?? If anything, that should definitely be a finishing move by Billy Butt.
Alright, he said, 'high knee.'
JR starts to lose his voice and sounds possessed, but in spite of demon take-overs, he still perseveres. What a man, that JR. JR is also silly, saying that he can be objective in calling this match, even though he hates HHH for 'breaking' his arm. He then says, 'I hope he loses.' You shouldn't have held back at all, JR. You should have objectively called the match like so, '..a clothesline by Triple Shnoz.. how can a man with a flat ass do that heiny maneuver?'
Eventually the lights go out and Kane comes out. 'Give me back my friend', he may have thought. He attacks everyone (but he spared the squatters) and chokeslams Chyna. Yeah! You show her, Kane. Hell, you loved her even before her plastic surgery.
Okay, end of story. Hey, the show was cut pretty abruptly, so therefore, I do the same.