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By Chokee Slam
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Warning, LOADS of images forthcoming.

Flashback of HHH and his problems with Austin, the belt, etc. Of course, anyone who goes through extreme stress knows the outcome is lack of sleep, discomfort, anxiety and the obvious, headaches.

Excedrin Headache #1
Excedrin Headache #2 (Perhaps Midol would be better, dude.)
Excedrin Headache #3
Excedrin Headache #4
Austin gives HHH a break by exhibiting Groin Ache #1.
Let's proceed. This episode is brought to you from Anaheim, CA. Can't you guys get any sort of order with your signage? We see: OHO (is that like Yoo Hoo?), NOW YOU (why, I oughta?), InSA (dunno), Senor Ass (like Senior Ass?? Nope, haven't seen your ass), EARI (I give up), K.... Geez, will you guys get in your correct seats?? This looks more like a Sesame Street regurgitation. Big Bird would wanna kick your collective asses.
Backstage, Kane is in a dark room with his ... pet shadow. Having pets is a good way of learning responsibility and love. Then again, Kane may be thinking, 'STOP FOLLOWING ME, YOU!!' Ah, now maybe you know how X-Pac felt. Nah, X liked you for you were that Energy-drinking man's best friend.

Backstage Patterson and Crisco are telling Linda McMahon that she CANNOT go out there. I agree with you Pat, she can't go out wearing that jacket. It's another regurgitation casualty. I figure with the dough the McMahons have, they would clothe themselves with things other than regurgitated or tweed jackets or over-sized shoes.

HHH is driven in and escorted by HOARDS of police officers. (Now, I know they're in Orange County and all, but how did HHH manage to get that many cops to show up for an aggravated assault charge? You couldn't get that many cops to show up for a riot.... Lynn Jasper) If there was a donut shop in that riot area, I'm sure you'd see many cops there.


Linda, with Pat and Crisco (oh yes, they'll protect her real good) gets to the ring. She says that HHH has dug his own grave and he'll have to sleep in it. Don't forget to fluff up the dirt real good. She mentions Kane, Undertaker and Creepshow. WHO?? Okay, okay, she means Big Show but I'll go with what's more suitable.

Anyways, she figures they all deserve a title shot. Of course Stevie will be arriving later (you know, he's got to peel some blond thing off him first before he can get to the arena) and HHH will defend his belt against him.

Backstage, HHH watches this on the monitor. He says, 'She's flipped her lid!' Yes, indeed, and Chyna has pumped her hair. It doesn't look bad though. Some hair explosions actually work.. that is, if you're living in the 80's.

HHH and Chyna get to the ring, clears it out, and tells Linda to go back to her little office. CreepShow and UT try to get to the ring, the police stop them. 'No, really, I'm part of the show, let me in. I'll give you a donut,' UT may have said. In that case, you should have thought about not taking the Edge route to the ring.

Rock and Mankind try as well. What's wrong with you guys? Was it really necessary to make a cotton candy pitstop before getting to the ring?

Now here comes a smart man who decided to get to the ring via ramp. It's Kane... running. Okay, maybe not too smart. He doesn't realize that running is unflattering to him. By the way, we shall dub this episode, 'Chariots of Fire' or 'Chariots of Wrestler' (How about Wrestlers of Fire... BC) (or is that just for Kane?) because this was not the last running scene. Oh no, just you wait.
They all eventually get in and .. is UT wearing highwaters? Yo dead dude, where's the flood??
Not only is UT sporting highwaters, but his partner is Pirates-of-Penzancing for us. Nice earring there, but it looks more like it's stuck to your cheek. Leave it to Mad Phat to complete the wardrobe though. Also, with Show's mouth in 'O' formation, I think he's ready to go down on Rock like a circus seal.  

HEY! Any young'uns reading Mad Phat should tune that out.

Cole interviews Jarrett about his attack on The Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young this past Smackdown. There is a slight similarity in the storyline to that of Andy Kaufmann's however, the big difference is that Andy wrestled women who were WILLING to get in the ring with him.

  Cole then bolted to another part of the arena to interview Rock and Mankind. After Rock mentions the millions and millions, he brings Cole's hand (which is holding the mic) down to his.. belly?? Okay good, let's interview your tummy. 'Gurgle.. raaaargh.. grrrr..'
Then, after Rock does the 'chanting his name' part of the speech, Cole's hand is taken down to... oh my. Of course, if no one knew that Cole was holding a mic, people would think that Cole was holding.. his mic. There are so many wrongs with this picture. Cole is perhaps thinking, 'Oh Rock, I had no idea.. wait, is that a third testicle?'

That mic is special now.

Jarrett is in the ring, makes a challenge for a woman to wrestle him. Luna runs in, sporting a new shorter version of fusilli hair! This match doesn't get too far before Ivory hits Luna with the guitar, giving Luna the win via DQ. Well, a win is a win even if you're laying flat on your back. Sometimes I'd consider laying on my back a win ... depending on who's on top of you, of course.

Oh, Chariots of Wrestler. Ivory really booked. Watch her arms peddle. Run, run like the wind. Run like the Terminator 2000!
Jarrett is irate so he goes after announcer Lillian Garcia. JR screams, 'What is Jarrett doing now??!' Uh, tripping over Garcia's leg.  JR recollects on the figure four leg-lock Jarrett put on Mae Young, who is, by the way, 80 years old. (She should be called Mae Old... BC) You think I make bad jokes??
Austin has walked into the arena. Why aren't you running, dude? No team spirit, that guy.

We get back from commercial and they recap the Lillian Garcia attack. Wow, that figure four was so brutal, it hurt her stomach even.

Backstage, Terry Rooster is with Chyna. I can hear the airpump that is being taken to her hair. I bet Rooster is jealous that he can't get his feathers that pumped.
D'Von Dudley with Bubba vs. Mr. Simmons in a strap match. Bubba stutters into the mic but instead looks more like he just needs to whizz. How non-threatening is he?? Well, I still wouldn't mess with him but he's still a big teddy bear sometimes. D'Von takes over on the mic and says, 'I challenge you to a schtrap match..' Schtrap?? Are you Yiddish?

This was a pretty painful match to watch for D'Von and Mr. Simmons were so struggling with that schtrap. Hell, if one doesn't know how to pronounce it, how the hell can it be utilized?

First, we witness Mr. Simmons struggling with what he should do next. 'Lessee, first, I'se drag you here... then I'm goin' outta the ring.'
'Uh, I change my mind. I'll want back in the ring. Here, D'Von, hold this schtrap around your neck and squeeze it tight until you feel like you're gonna black out. Then maybe you might wanna let go. Meanwhile I'll hold onto these here ropes and .. I'll hang.. and uh.. well, we'll see what happens after that. We'll wing it, okay?'

D'Von may have thought, 'Wings?? Chicken wings?? Can we have watermelon too?' D'oh. Okay, before anyone writes to me about racist jokes, I've made fun of my own self with jokes regarding woks, thousand year old eggs and the name Mei Lae. Remember, I can dish it because I can take it. That's what humor should be about.

D'Von gets his moment with being confused as he collects the schtrap and looks at it like, 'Howz this thing work??' At that point, I was waiting for Mr. Simmons to get up, grab the schtrap and tell D'Von, 'GIVE ME THAT THING! Let me do it!'
Bubba interferes and D'Von wins which brings a merciful end to that match. Bradshaw hits Bubba with the chair and Bubba gives us his Joe Cocker impression. It would have been more impressive if you did it the John Belushi way. You fall to the mat and rock on your curved-Joe-Cocker chest.

Backstage, Cole is with UT and Creepshow. UT is blathering about saving endangered species, hunters and crocodiles. Okay, UT actually said, 'You're such an endangered species that the crocodile hunter couldn't save you now..'

WhUH? In the least, only Creepshow found it amusing. 'Uh-HER, he funny.' Actually, perhaps Show is laughing because Cole mooned him off camera and we all know that a flat, white pimply ass is comedic fodder. You'll laugh, you'll puke, you'll croak.

JR calls the British Bulldog to the ring. We still can't figure out what kind of accent the Bulldog has. On occassion he sounds Welsh, Canadian or like a limey carksocker. Jim interviews Bulldog who rambles on. He may as well just say, 'I'm British, you know..'

On Smackdown, Bulldog won the hardcore title from Boss Man and then gave it to Al. So ..

  Bossman comes out to say, 'British Bulldog..' Bulldog wanted to make sure Boss Man was addressing the right person, so he looked to the audience.'Am I the British Bulldog?' After he got their confirmation, he turned his attention back to Bossy who is about to spaz in a horrible way.
I'd say Bossy is pretty irate. Wow, how could I use the word 'pretty' and Bossy in the same sentence? I amaze myself. Oh, he's about to pop. See, here's the rev-up. His eyes crossed, neck craned, and if his hair was any longer, it'd be 5 feet above his head.
He screams, 'NOBODY BUT NOBODY does that to me!' He's yelling at the audience though. They didn't take your belt away from you. Stupid.
Okay, Boss Man... BREATHE! Put a paper bag over your head.. and breathe.. breathe.. and make sure you leave the paper bag over your head. Please.
Al comes out, which causes Bossy to twitch ala Bugs Bunny. 'Ooh, eeh, eee, aah.. you.. why... I oughta...' A match is set for Unforgiven involving cages and dogs. Sounds nasty kinky. Al introduces the rottweilers that will be in attendance and then Bulldog attacks Boss Man from behind.
How could you. No matter because Bulldog got laid out good.   Way to BE, Bull! Way to comeback! Good job, good job. Big fan big fan. (I am a Howard Stern mark, yes)  
Backstage, Terry Runnels is with the Posse. Rod has gone completely blond (which makes him look bald from afar) and Pete Frog's got his webbed fingers on Terri. Watch it girl, he'll give you warts. Oh, Joey Abs challenges Testes. Terri then looks off .. and wonders if the room is tilted or she just forgot her V-8. I'd say it's perhaps a funhouse room, considering wrestling is like one big amusement park.
HHH is pacing in the hallways. He angrily throws his beverage away. 'I didn't want Pepsi, I want that ENERGY drink!' Why don't you just get a bag of sugar and a spoon and dig in. I bet that's what X-Pac's diet consists of.  
OH, another running scene! Our friend, the Serial Hugger Tony Garea is directing the medics to a room.  'Hurry, hurry, it's a hug casualty. I didn't mean to hug him so hard, really I didn't..' Yeah sure. By the way, Shane McMahon was attacked. Or tragically hugged.
Posse enter the ring. Abs calls Testes out and ... oh, dude. One word. Clearasil. Are you turning evil?? Bad skin is a sign of evil. Must be careful, Testes, they can take advantage of you. Zit popping may be a common ritual to some but nevertheless a painful and messy one.
Testes also had two red dots on his arm. Perhaps he popped two zits there or Gangrel bit him.
Oh.. Testes wins and the Chariots of Wrestler saga continues. Shane runs in to assist Testes. Please note that the following midi/wavs must be played for dramatic effect. Chariots of Fire, Rocky Theme, Last of the Mohicans and of course, Terminator 2000.

Wow, Shane is really booking. The wind is cascading through his clothes. He attacks his Posse friends (since Shane now supports his sister and the Posse won't) and vica versa. Then the climatic running scene commences.


Oh hey, we finally found out what the screaming referee's name is. Mike Kiota (sp?). For those who aren't in the know, when Kiota does a count-out, he's about 2 seconds away from a popped blood vessel. Here's our rendition again.  (click here) Our most dedicated Mad Phat fan, Cenny, says this is what she sounds like when she does push-ups.

Testes and Shane are running to the back.. with their little pilot fish (or pilot ref) following alongside them.
MORE RUNNING! Go Marathon Man!
AND MORE!! Go Prefontaine!
There goes Shane! Perhaps they realized that they were in need of more aerobic exercises. They eventually opted to run to the car to exercise their butts on the carseat. I can understand that.

Backstage: Austin sports two kneebraces now. He's really stacking up on the hardware. Pretty soon he'll upgrade to a retainer with the whole head gear. Soon thereafter, the lunar module. THEN he will upgrade to the Sigourney Weaver/ Transformer Ripley model (you know that big contraption she was in to fight off the mother Alien).

Flashback of Austin ramming an ambulance with a semi. JR screamed, 'He's got a semi!' A man with a semi? That's a dude I don't want to know. I have to tell a story.. about a girl named Nicki.. who, for some reason, I thought was named Licki. 'Licki??' I asked, 'boy, I wanna get to know her!'

Sorry. Children really shouldn't be reading Mad Phat. I use the word 'children' very loosely also. See how it wiggles?

Stevie enters the ring only to have HHH, Chyna and hoards of policemen join him. Yo check out the copper behind HHH with the excessive amount of blush. Dude, you're at the wrong show. You're supposed to be at Marilyn Manson's Dope Show audition and your uniform is supposed to be pink.

HHH says he signed the warrant for Austin's arrest and well.. there you go. He's getting arrested.

Many people on the net commented endlessly about the 'procedures' of obtaining a warrant and the paper work involved to issue it when a crime is committed in another state. All I have to say is, how many times has the WWF been factual in their storytelling?

Get a grip, it's entertainment.

OH! GAY COP! Lookee his hand, in an utmost gesture of gayness. I bet he's telling Stevie, 'Don't you worry honey, we've got a beautiful new cell for you. It's the nicest one in the block. I decorated it myself, sweet bubble butt. It's got lace trims and a big pink triangle hanging up. It is to die for. I'll visit you tonight to make sure everything is cushiony soft for your lickable derrier and then you can tell me all about your Rattlesnake, sweetie.'

Yes, he said ALL that. It comes from a pretty reliable source. I swear. Okay, I'll reveal my source. It's the father of the brother of a friend's father who works at this gas station that the gay cop goes to for fueling. How reliable is that, huh?

Stevie struggles into the cop car. Hell, on the Howard Stern show, Stevie quoted that he gained 12 pounds since he's been out of commission. That's extra jelly in that roll to push into the back of that automobile. Roll Jelly Roll.

Godfather with hoes.One of them has something dangling on the seat of her pants. Is it a dingleberry??!! A piece of gum? Good grief, you're on national television.. with a dingleberry on your butt!
Godfather vs. Chaz. Here comes Chaz... OH! Who else caught that? And why would he be doing that towards the Godfather?? Well, regardless of who he's doing it to, Bostin is now arroused. Hey, it's been a while for her. I mean it's been awhile since she's gotten something GOOD that is.

Heh. If anyone recalls that she is married, I still say, what does that have to do with getting something that is GOOD?? (Married, I'm not married anymore... BC)

Whoa. Flame. Flames... heaving...

By the way, Chaz and Marianna have decided to go their own ways. Also, can the WWF get Godfather some hoes who know WHEN to cheer?? They were cheering for everything Godfather did, which included dropping his own elbow on the mat, letting Chaz beat up on his head, and backflipping onto his own back. Good thing he didn't trip.

Good grief. Hoes = (this space left blank)

Marianna eventually comes in and reveals the shiner she got. She asks Chaz, 'why.. why ... why.. why... why....why ...why .... why....... why.... why... why... why.....why.........why...... why.... why..... why.... why.... why... why... why.... why... why.... why... why... why.....why.........why...... why...why.... why... why... why.... why.... why.....why.........why...... why...' and finally, 'why.'

Godfather thinks that Chaz gave her the shiner so he beats him up and wins the match.

The cage is being lowered to the ring. It's Y2J time. Jericho gets in the cage and makes sure it's sturdy, I suppose. Make sure it's... cagey and fency too. Jericho said he scoured the world to find the best shoot fighter and he got.. Gotch Gracie. You should have looked a bit further, Chris.

Here comes Gotch. Hey son, you got a big black panty on your head. By the way, those HUGE girdle panties is what we call 'gotchies'. I don't even know where it stemmed from but all you Mad Phatties are pretty accustomed to our 'ism's' at this point so why ask why. Why... why... why ... why... why...


Jericho then gives a little exhibition for the audience and beats Gotchie. Kenny comes in only to get beat up by both Gotchie and Jericho. Turns out, Gotchie is Kurtis Hughes, a real ugly mutha.

Backstage, Cole interviews Jericho and Kurtis Hughes. For some reason, when they say Kurtis' name, I think of Kurtis Blow, a man with a very unfortunate last name. Now, a cool last name would be something like Clarence Fok Yiu Leung (who is a Hong Kong director). How cool is it to have a name that's a profanity in another language?

Oh, the camera starts getting too close to Mr. Hughes. Hey dude, you suck on lemons much?? Did you just have a whole bag of Sour Patch Kids?

UT vs. Creepshow vs. Mankind vs. Kane vs. Rock in a free for all to determine who will be the contender for HHH's belt (not that it matters since on the next Smackdown show, Vinnie becomes the WWF champ).

WHoo hoo!! The Rock RUNS! The Rocky theme would of course, be suitable for him.

During this match, all the refs get assaulted. A Hebner runs out (don't know if it's Duke Duke Duke of Earl Earl Earl) ... yo, you call that a running scene?? Go back and do it again. There wasn't enough emoting on your part. Let those legs and arms flail!

Well, he runs in, sees the carnage (dead refs all over the place, it was like Foot Locker concentration camp) and runs back. Now this is a better running scene. A delicate gentle hand there, maybe you should audition as a cop for the Marilyn Manson Dope Show video but..

Alright, I leave you alone. Pansy.

Just kidding. It's difficult to pull off a running scene. Sometimes you don't know what to do with your hands (letting them flail above your head is a sure sign that the butterfly net will be closing in behind you), your tongue (letting it hang out will cause the saliva to moisturize your face when the wind blows it back on you), nor your feet (if one has a predilection for hardcore situations, they will find themselves kissing concrete). By the way, Bostin, how does it taste? (Next time, I'm taking that sidewalk out like a BITCH!!... BC)

Oh, the Godfather rolls in trying to stop this ruckus. Eventually a flood of wrestlers run in and it's sheer anarchy.

All the refs are backstage, being tended to by the French doctor.

Venis with D'lo vs. Steve Blackman and Mark Henry. Henry doesn't show up so Blackman is on his own (the story of his sex life). Venis and D'lo wins. As Blackman is heading back, GTV is played on the Titantron showing Henry backstage getting a show from the hoes. JR said, 'He's getting a lap dance!' Uh, they'd have to be on his lap first. He was getting a table dance. By the way, that one hoe still has the dingleberry hanging from her ass. Will you butthole surf or SOMETHING?? Get that thing off.

HHH calls Linda McMahon out to the ring. HHH tells her to tell all the wwf contenders they blew their chance. Meanwhile Chyna is staring a hole into the back of Linda's head. Zzzzz.

Of course Linda won't oblige so HHH grabs her and this prompts VINNIE MAC out! Yo we missed you!! He's such a funny man. We miss your flappy red neck.. those beady eyes.. the ugly clothes .. the toupee.. the scraggly voice that knows the power of cheese.

Vinnie handles the situation. He throws his jacket at HHH's face, 'Take THIS ugly jacket..' HHH most likely cringed seeing that fashion nightmare careening towards his head. 'NO, not the WOOL jacket!' Abrasive.

Stevie's music cues and .. the final running scene!!

  HHH is having a little trouble getting his jacket off. 'Hey hold on a minute, let me get my... OUCH!'
Stevie and HHH go at it, forcing HHH to reveal his white white armpits They still don't rival Road Dogg's opaque white legs but.. it's a close run. Hey, HHH, Chyna's boobs may be spreading farther apart, but yours wants to join together as one.

They are a strange species.

Uh.. no one won. The cage started lowering and .. end of episode. I'm sure when the cameras stopped rolling, Stevie had about three kegs of beer then .. they all just went to their hotels. To keep up with the spirit of the evening, I certainly hope they ran.

See if we care...
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