Houston, TX, The Compact Center
Wow, I'm surprised they got so many people into that Compact Center. (That's COMPAQ... BC)
JR said it, not MEEEEEE!!
Vinnie is relinquishing the WWF belt and there will be a 6-pack match at Unforgiven. Is that fair to UT's floppeth-over belly, I ask? Ah, I stand corrected. I'm sure he has a six pack of abs, he just doesn't have those plastic thingies to hold it together.
That expression is just beyond crass, huh (and I'm not just talking about HHH's face). Seriously, shame on me for I didn't even think of it. I must be slacking off. I do, however, thank the genius that is Kevin Smith.
Huh Huh Huh wants to be part of the 6-pack match. He says, 'you either give me my slot...' You have your slot, she's the pumped up dyed black head behind you.
Anyways, he threatens that if he doesn't get his slot, one of Vin's family members will go home on a stretcher. How nice. I'd prefer a gurney. Those things can pick up speed. Perhaps they could use one of those hard to manage wheelchairs that Vinnie had. He tried to motorize that thing with his own feet as if it was a Flintstone vehicle.
Now Vin needs to be reinstated since he's not supposed to be involved in WWF affairs but the kind Stone Cold Steven says, 'I'll reinstate your ass...' Just his ass?? Well, butt cannons can be considered one of the most dangerous weapons on this Earth. Biological warfare. Everyone knows how fast it can clear a room and blow a first row audience to the bleachers.
Viscera is there along with Mideon, who is sporting a new outfit that looks .. so ... plastic. Flame retardant or just way retardant. I think my C3PO Halloween outfit was made of that same material. By the way, here's a little story to share about my sordid childhood with those who would like to know how I became the person I am.
When I was a little girl, I was trick or treating dressed as C3PO (though I never saw Star Wars at that time) AND wearing these funkin' red patent leather mary-jane wedge shoes.
I need not comment on that any further. Don't ask me why I thought C3PO would wear red patent leather wedge shoes. He was English, wasn't he?
I wasn't lynched, by the way, but mental imbalance or just a bad fashion sense was evident.
UT tells Mideon to go beat up Mick (who is spending some quality boiler time) but instead finds himself the beatee. Eventually Mr. Hefty Jacket Viscera comes in. Hey, he IS figuratively, garbage.
Anyways, they beat up on Mick until Rock helps him.
Many individuals attempt to masquerade this disease by blaming whatever inanimate objects are nearby (i.e. shoes ('Damn these shoes!'), sidewalks ('Damn this sidewalk!'), and other immovable objects, ('DAMN, where did THAT wall come from??!!')). However, those who have coped with this disease for many years will advise that you accept it gracefully and without a fight. It will then go into remission until it decides to resurface.
Backstage, Cole is with Mankind. Rock then comes in and speaks for about 10 minutes. The more he speaks, the more I realize that he's not really saying anything. He's like the Teacher to Charlie Brown.
Cole then makes a mad dash to another part of the arena to interview UT and Creepshow. UT (another one who keeps talking but doesn't really say much) says to Rock, 'you can have your tv writers that write ...' (yeah those tv writers write all the things they write.. like that singer who sings all the songs that he sings..) .. (sorry, to continue), '..all your comedy stick for you..' Comedy stick?? Like those long cylindrical things that make that moo sound when you turn it upside down?
Ivory takes the mic and says, 'I'd like to be frank and candid..' No, you have to be Ivory. Besides, you don't want to be Frank. Youd be a miserable person.
Ivory gets an audience chick to the ring, who turns out to be Luna in a froofee wig. Ivory realizes who it is and in an emotional outburst of dizzying heights, Ivory says, 'Uh-oh.' A Luna attacks.
Backstage, Cole is with D'lo. A Henry attacks.
Backstage, Testes and Stephanie are interrupted by Jarrett and Debra. Jarrett challenges them to a mixed tag match. Steph says, 'You're on..' Testes says to Steph, 'You don't know what you're talking aboot..' YEAH! GET OOT OF HERE!!! You don't know what you're talking aboot.
Flashback of Dudley Boys getting on the Acolytes' case. I'm sure they were looking to do Bradshaw a mere favor by beating his body back into some sort of man shape.
The Dudleys are in the ring and D'Von addresses the Hard Boys, 'You're as stupid as the ACULYTES!' Ooh, you called them stupid. That was downright cruel.
By the way, are they like the Acu-vues?? You should just call them the Hooty Boys. Jam Ross. Jerry Layla.
D'Von goes through the Dudley Commandments again. Thou shalt not kill.. thou shalt ... uh.. not forget to wear thy over-alls.
Lawler says, 'Did he say Aculytes??' Yes, he did. He's the speaker for the Doodley Boys. (That's why they never let him talk in ECW.... BC)
Stevie Richards comes out dressed as a Dudley. He should have worn a half-shirt version of that outfit. There should be some remnant of your character in his new outfits.
Mr. Coo (aka Mr. Simmons) does commentary. Was Bradshaw there? Did anyone notice? Did anyone care?
Oh well. Mr. Coo has got everything but his orator abilities under control. He says, 'The nerve of the WWF to bring in these two punk ass kids with little or no experience and stick them in the.. and .. uh.. whut?'
Wow, in one breath, Mr. Coo completely confused and THEN distracted his own self! (Hell, I do that all the time... BC)
It is of utmost importance to test out the validity of its effectiveness. I must sacrifice my body to make sure these moves aren't dangerous to .. them.
Oh the Dudleys win and The Aculytes run in.
Debra is with the make-up woman... and Jeff puts the figure four on her. (Listen, why don't you just cut to the point and pop her in the face??... BC)
Jarrett and Debra vs. Testes and Stephanie. Steph stands on the mat as she looks to her beloved and (must) have said, 'So are you ready zit boy, love of my life, Clearasil poster boy??'
By the way again, we wonder what Jarrett did to deserve this really horrible storyline. Did he anally rape Vince's mother while pouring sugar into her gas tank? (Thank you again Kevin Smith)
Testes does most of the work and Steph gets the pin. Of course Jarrett is irate, blames Debra and puts her in the figure four. Aw, lookatchoo, you dont even know how to harm a woman effectively. All you have to do is wipe off all that make-up on her face and let the television world see what she really looks like.
UT is speaking to Kane who is sheltering inside a WWF truck. Hey UT, you wanna give him a chance and let the tech crew unload the Kane out of the truck first? Then you'll have your chance to talk to him. The one thing you just gotta hate is impatient dead men.
Backstage, Mankind and Rock are interviewed. Rock says he wrote something for UT which was, 'check your ass into the smackdown hotel.'
Whoa, dug deep into your carbon copy files for that, huh?? Looks like you need your comedy stick. Bostin will lend you hers.
He's basically contaminated himself. Hes a walking oxymoron. It's a travesty, a contradiction. He should be raping himself.
Anyways, it's supposed to be UT/ Show vs. Rock/ Mankind but Show is flying it solo. His body mass equals two men anyways so, no big diff. Mideon and Viscera eventually come out and then Kane gets in there to take a flying leap at Show.
Kane eventually leaves. 'I don't like big Garbage Bag man, or Eyeball man.'
Of course this prompts the Rock to do his pre-move before the crappy elbow move. He does this 'conducting an orchestra' arm scooping thing. It's pretty hard to explain. Just keep an eye out for it next time.
Rock and Mankind are the new champs.
Blackman is in the ring. Listen, security really needs to do something about letting unknown fans into the arena let alone the ring itself. Anyways, Blackman is yelling at someone in the audience, 'I AM TOO a WRESTLER!! I have my certified wrestler ID card.. it's in my wrestler puppy along with my wrestler tights, my wrestler boots, my wrestler head gear and wrestler ointment. I AM a WRESTLER ! I just don't have a gimmick is all. I have lethal feet though!'
Venis comes out carrying Blackman's duffel bag, and does commentary.
Venis comments that 'he doesn't have the physical attributes of a Valbowski..' He's definitely talking about Steve and not Stasiak and his two friends. Stasiak most definitely has the 'physical attributes' that Venis says he has, the big package AND the big hair plugs.
Steve goes to his duffel bag for a weapon and pulls out a vibrator. That qualifies as a weapon, right? A faulty condom would also.
UT addresses Kane, 'You're weak.. blah blah... it's here... right here.. get down here..' If Kaney didn't show up, UT may have continued, 'somebody... get down here... someone?? Anybody?? I don't wanna be alone out here.. with this mic. I'm very uncomfortable. It gives me the gas bubbles something awful.'
Just when Kaney got in the ring, UT shoves him back out. Kane may have screamed, 'You wanted me IN the ring, dead doofus!' The UT cavalry comes in, Show pours cola on Kane (okay, gasoline) but Mankind, Rock and their ballbats make the save.
Al has buried Pepper.. then GTV catches Bossy pissing on the grave.
The Hollys come out. Holly says, 'I'm hardcore 24-7..' You mean just hard, Priapus Man. Now we have a match with Bossy vs. Holly aaaaand Holly won. Thought there would be some sort of drama, huh??
By the way, Vinnie has been barricaded in his locker room. I certainly hope he tried to open the door by pulling it in as well. I've made that mistake often. In retaliation, the door opens up in my face on occasion. This is a long term feud I have with Door which is the same feud that Bostin has with Sidewalk. I think a tag team bout is in order soon.
Testes replaces Vinnie and Shane actually looks surprised, 'Hey whattaknow bout dat.. it's the Testes.' You know, it's a well proven fact that old people put the word 'the' before every name, including proper names, band names, etc. For instance, THE Korn, THE Steve, THE Metallica...
The unexplained mysteries of strange old folk.
Eventually, HHH gets the chair, lays out his opponents, starts heading towards the back and Vinnie appears behind him with a chair of his own. 'HERE! SIT DOWN, YOU!!'
Smackdown snippet: X-Pac HAS returned!! Ice pops for everyone!! Energy drinks all around! Rumor has it that WWF will sponsor Crunch and Munch soon. This brings about a silly story about the English language and the casualties of misinterpreting headlines. A newsboard titled this rumor, 'WWF Sign Deal with Crunch N' Munch.' For some reason, I thought a WWF sign (as in signage) had a deal (meaning, 'What the hell is your deal, man') with Crunch N Munch. That is about as classic as Giant Man Eating Mollusks.
Of course, if it said, WWF SignS Deal with Crunch N Munch, all that confusion wouldnt have surfaced at all. The English language is a powerful tool in the war of confusion. In the least, you know who your illiterate enemies are.
This also brings to mind the best newspaper headline I ever came across.
FBI Agent Fingers Suspect.
I need not say another word. I just need to find that FBI agent.. stat!
Later on in the show, Kane wrestled against HHH in an inferno match. To distract the poor Kaney, someone dumped a bloody X onto the top of the ramp (of course it was UT. He just won't leave that boy alone. He's jealous that Kane got himself such a hottie).
End a story.