By Chokee Slam

Houston, TX, The Compact Center

Wow, I'm surprised they got so many people into that Compact Center. (That's COMPAQ... BC)

JR said it, not MEEEEEE!!

Vinnie enters sporting the best in bandage wear. Stevie is the pioneer when it comes to rebel bandage fashion. He once wore a knuckle bandage on his head, hence making him a knucklehead. Now Vinnie is following suit and sports a standard adhesive, which must be keeping his toupee in place.

Vinnie is relinquishing the WWF belt and there will be a 6-pack match at Unforgiven. Is that fair to UT's floppeth-over belly, I ask? Ah, I stand corrected. I'm sure he has a six pack of abs, he just doesn't have those plastic thingies to hold it together.

Sorry.

Stevie comes in and says, 'First of all, let me say this.' He should have said, 'this.' Then HHH (that's pronounced 'Huh Huh Huh') comes out and as per the Titantron footage, he's wanting to go down on someone like a circus seal.

That expression is just beyond crass, huh (and I'm not just talking about HHH's face). Seriously, shame on me for I didn't even think of it. I must be slacking off. I do, however, thank the genius that is Kevin Smith.

Huh Huh Huh wants to be part of the 6-pack match. He says, 'you either give me my slot...' You have your slot, she's the pumped up dyed black head behind you.

Anyways, he threatens that if he doesn't get his slot, one of Vin's family members will go home on a stretcher. How nice. I'd prefer a gurney. Those things can pick up speed. Perhaps they could use one of those hard to manage wheelchairs that Vinnie had. He tried to motorize that thing with his own feet as if it was a Flintstone vehicle.

Now Vin needs to be reinstated since he's not supposed to be involved in WWF affairs but the kind Stone Cold Steven says, 'I'll reinstate your ass...' Just his ass?? Well, butt cannons can be considered one of the most dangerous weapons on this Earth. Biological warfare. Everyone knows how fast it can clear a room and blow a first row audience to the bleachers.

A match is set for Vinnie and Shane vs. Huh Huh Huh and Chyna with Stevie as ref. Backstage, UT sports a cap with a fake ponytail attached to it. He's with Creepshow, whose got fake talent attached to his big body. Oops.

Viscera is there along with Mideon, who is sporting a new outfit that looks .. so ... plastic. Flame retardant or just way retardant. I think my C3PO Halloween outfit was made of that same material. By the way, here's a little story to share about my sordid childhood with those who would like to know how I became the person I am.

When I was a little girl, I was trick or treating dressed as C3PO (though I never saw Star Wars at that time) AND wearing these funkin' red patent leather mary-jane wedge shoes.

I need not comment on that any further. Don't ask me why I thought C3PO would wear red patent leather wedge shoes. He was English, wasn't he?

I wasn't lynched, by the way, but mental imbalance or just a bad fashion sense was evident.

UT tells Mideon to go beat up Mick (who is spending some quality boiler time) but instead finds himself the beatee. Eventually Mr. Hefty Jacket Viscera comes in. Hey, he IS figuratively, garbage.

So sorry.

Anyways, they beat up on Mick until Rock helps him.

Flashback of the Jericho and Kenny feud. Jericho hawked a spaghetti sized loogie at Kenny. Good thing it wasn't the curly noodles or the seashells.

This leaves a Kenny in tears. I'm sure he wanted fusilli. Don't you worry, constrictive panty man, you can pick those off of Luna's head.

Jericho vs. Billy Butt. Since the refs are on strike, Tom Pritchard is at the ring helm. He's got his hair helmet on to protect his skull and he’s ready for battle.

By the way, even Jericho isn't immune to the dreaded Spaz. It effectively attacked him just before he made a run for the ropes.  Spaz affects 4,978,666 out of 4,999,000 individuals on this planet and can hit any individual without any warning or symptons.

Many individuals attempt to masquerade this disease by blaming whatever inanimate objects are nearby (i.e. shoes ('Damn these shoes!'), sidewalks ('Damn this sidewalk!'), and other immovable objects, ('DAMN, where did THAT wall come from??!!')). However, those who have coped with this disease for many years will advise that you accept it gracefully and without a fight. It will then go into remission until it decides to resurface.

Now in order for Jericho to deal with his embarrassment from Spaz, he must harm someone else's self esteem. I think he was attempting a norque torque but Billy Butt would not oblige. Jericho is asking, 'Come on, let me see them..' but Billy Butt is actually shy. Well, his name is Mr. Ass. If he wasn't so shy about his titties, he'd be named Billy Tits.. Billy Nipples... Billy Tetas.. Billy Norks.. (BILLY BOSOMS!! ... BC)

By the way, Kurtis Hughes is by ringside. His face hasn't been released from scrunch mode since last week. That must have been one brutal mutha of a lemon he sucked on. Speaking of scrunch, I don't think the sunglasses elastic is tight enough on his head. I mean, his eyes aren't bulging out of their sockets yet. He doesn't have Tweety Head Syndrome yet. (The top of his head hasn't been sliced off yet... BC)

Hughes interferes, Jericho wins. Jericho's hair then turns Samhain.Anyone remember that band?? Whether their music was played at 33 or 45 speed, it still sounded slo-mo. Jericho, however, with the blond hair, is like the Negative Samhain which equals.. the happy version of Samhain. Forget it.

Backstage, Cole is with Mankind. Rock then comes in and speaks for about 10 minutes. The more he speaks, the more I realize that he's not really saying anything. He's like the Teacher to Charlie Brown.

Cole then makes a mad dash to another part of the arena to interview UT and Creepshow. UT (another one who keeps talking but doesn't really say much) says to Rock, 'you can have your tv writers that write ...' (yeah those tv writers write all the things they write.. like that singer who sings all the songs that he sings..) .. (sorry, to continue), '..all your comedy stick for you..' Comedy stick?? Like those long cylindrical things that make that moo sound when you turn it upside down?

By the way, we have full confirmation now that... UT's hand is BIGGER than his face. You all know what that means, right? He can wear Creepshow's gloves. Y'all thought I was going to say retarded, right?

Ivory enters the ring. Wow, check out them buttocks.She may just rival Kenny's ass in finger breakage. A common casualty for butt grabbers trying to get a hold of firm butts are broken fingers. Remember kids, don't try that at home unless you want your momma smacking you over the head.

Ivory takes the mic and says, 'I'd like to be frank and candid..' No, you have to be Ivory. Besides, you don't want to be Frank. You’d be a miserable person.

Excuse me.

Ivory gets an audience chick to the ring, who turns out to be Luna in a froofee wig. Ivory realizes who it is and in an emotional outburst of dizzying heights, Ivory says, 'Uh-oh.' A Luna attacks.

Backstage, Cole is with D'lo. A Henry attacks.

Backstage, Testes and Stephanie are interrupted by Jarrett and Debra. Jarrett challenges them to a mixed tag match. Steph says, 'You're on..' Testes says to Steph, 'You don't know what you're talking aboot..' YEAH! GET OOT OF HERE!!! You don't know what you're talking aboot. 

Flashback of Dudley Boys getting on the Acolytes' case. I'm sure they were looking to do Bradshaw a mere favor by beating his body back into some sort of man shape.

The Dudleys are in the ring and D'Von addresses the Hard Boys, 'You're as stupid as the ACULYTES!' Ooh, you called them stupid. That was downright cruel.

By the way, are they like the Acu-vues?? You should just call them the Hooty Boys. Jam Ross. Jerry Layla.

D'Von goes through the Dudley Commandments again. Thou shalt not kill.. thou shalt ... uh.. not forget to wear thy over-alls.

Lawler says, 'Did he say Aculytes??' Yes, he did. He's the speaker for the Doodley Boys. (That's why they never let him talk in ECW.... BC)

Stevie Richards comes out dressed as a Dudley. He should have worn a half-shirt version of that outfit. There should be some remnant of your character in his new outfits.

Mr. Coo (aka Mr. Simmons) does commentary. Was Bradshaw there? Did anyone notice? Did anyone care?

Oh well. Mr. Coo has got everything but his orator abilities under control. He says, 'The nerve of the WWF to bring in these two punk ass kids with little or no experience and stick them in the.. and .. uh.. whut?'

Wow, in one breath, Mr. Coo completely confused and THEN distracted his own self! (Hell, I do that all the time... BC)

Oh, Blond Hard Boy performs a somewhat new move. Well, we dub it as new. He leapt off the top rope, and Bubba caught him with his face in between the hard boy's legs. We'll call that the Flying Fellatio. Hurry, someone give me a wrestler, I must try that move!!

It is of utmost importance to test out the validity of its effectiveness. I must sacrifice my body to make sure these moves aren't dangerous to .. them.

Oh the Dudleys win and The Aculytes run in.

Debra is with the make-up woman... and Jeff puts the figure four on her. (Listen, why don't you just cut to the point and pop her in the face??... BC)

Jarrett and Debra vs. Testes and Stephanie. Steph stands on the mat as she looks to her beloved and (must) have said, 'So are you ready zit boy, love of my life, Clearasil poster boy??'

Love is about staying strong and dedicated in spite of insults and acne. By the way, check out the constellation of zits on Testes' arm.

By the way again, we wonder what Jarrett did to deserve this really horrible storyline. Did he anally rape Vince's mother while pouring sugar into her gas tank? (Thank you again Kevin Smith)

Testes does most of the work and Steph gets the pin. Of course Jarrett is irate, blames Debra and puts her in the figure four. Aw, lookatchoo, you don’t even know how to harm a woman effectively. All you have to do is wipe off all that make-up on her face and let the television world see what she really looks like.

Backstage, Huh Huh Huh and Chyna are just conversing. There is no sound however so we'll have to wing it. I think he said, 'bang bang.. pow pow.. right on your boobs.. pop pop.. there goes the boobs..'

UT is speaking to Kane who is sheltering inside a WWF truck. Hey UT, you wanna give him a chance and let the tech crew unload the Kane out of the truck first? Then you'll have your chance to talk to him. The one thing you just gotta hate is impatient dead men.

Backstage, Mankind and Rock are interviewed. Rock says he wrote something for UT which was, 'check your ass into the smackdown hotel.'

Whoa, dug deep into your carbon copy files for that, huh?? Looks like you need your comedy stick. Bostin will lend you hers.

UT comes out to do commentary and jeepers, there's this frightening little kid behind him wearing an UT mask. The kid's got to be 2 feet high with a size 14 UT mask. It's the Mini-Taker. I'll call him 'Mini-UT'. He still looks like a troll. This Mini-UT is also wearing a Billy Butt tee-shirt.

He's basically contaminated himself. He’s a walking oxymoron. It's a travesty, a contradiction. He should be raping himself.

Anyways, it's supposed to be UT/ Show vs. Rock/ Mankind but Show is flying it solo. His body mass equals two men anyways so, no big diff. Mideon and Viscera eventually come out and then Kane gets in there to take a flying leap at Show.

Of course this is not what UT directed him to do and this causes UT to experience another gas bubble. That one looks powerful enough to motorize that chair to drive him back to the hotel.

Kane eventually leaves. 'I don't like big Garbage Bag man, or Eyeball man.'

Of course this prompts the Rock to do his pre-move before the crappy elbow move. He does this 'conducting an orchestra' arm scooping thing. It's pretty hard to explain. Just keep an eye out for it next time.

Rock and Mankind are the new champs.

Backstage, Taylor is with Marianna. She's got the Marilyn Manson look (lipstick smeared all over the corner of her lips). It's very becoming. Becoming messy, I mean. Chaz comes in wearing his Scooby Doo boxers and she starts whining for him to get away from her. Chaz is then arrested…. for wearing those Scooby Doo boxers, I reckon.

Blackman is in the ring. Listen, security really needs to do something about letting unknown fans into the arena let alone the ring itself. Anyways, Blackman is yelling at someone in the audience, 'I AM TOO a WRESTLER!! I have my certified wrestler ID card.. it's in my wrestler puppy along with my wrestler tights, my wrestler boots, my wrestler head gear and wrestler ointment. I AM a WRESTLER ! I just don't have a gimmick is all. I have lethal feet though!'

He goes against Sean Stasiak. Stasiak's meat is hanging mighty low and it's knockin about on his thigh. All he needs to do is to take a massive swing with that meat stick and boy, the whole first three rows will be sorry. I wonder if that meat stick makes the same noise as the comedy stick, just with more swishing noises.

Venis comes out carrying Blackman's duffel bag, and does commentary.

Venis comments that 'he doesn't have the physical attributes of a Valbowski..' He's definitely talking about Steve and not Stasiak and his two friends. Stasiak most definitely has the 'physical attributes' that Venis says he has, the big package AND the big hair plugs.

Eventually, Blackman gets to his duffel bag and the back of his arm is mysteriously rippling. Odd muscle there. It's experiencing in-di-gestion (that's a pretty old Rolaids commercial reference). Venis acts like he doesn't want to get involved, holds his hands up, to perhaps say, 'Slappa my hands, Steve Black Man.'

Steve goes to his duffel bag for a weapon and pulls out a vibrator. That qualifies as a weapon, right? A faulty condom would also.

This gives Meat the win. UT is backstage looking for Kane. Is he in those trunks?? Trunk is red... Kane.. red... trunk..Kane.. red..

Well, that chain of thought isn’t going anywhere so he proceeds to walk into the ring. UT walks down the ramp and all is good with the world, there's no shift in the cosmos.

Then the cameraman fell backwards, giving us a nice shot of the ceiling. At least it was graceful. Remember if you're going to fall, you really shouldn't fight it for it’ll fight you back … all the way until your face hits the ground and you swallow your knee or something.

UT addresses Kane, 'You're weak.. blah blah... it's here... right here.. get down here..' If Kaney didn't show up, UT may have continued, 'somebody... get down here... someone?? Anybody?? I don't wanna be alone out here.. with this mic. I'm very uncomfortable. It gives me the gas bubbles something awful.'

Just when Kaney got in the ring, UT shoves him back out. Kane may have screamed, 'You wanted me IN the ring, dead doofus!' The UT cavalry comes in, Show pours cola on Kane (okay, ‘gasoline’) but Mankind, Rock and their ballbats make the save.

Backstage, HHH and Chyna are together still. HHH has stopped playing ‘bang bang pop the boobies’ and is now playing, 'I'm gonna squeeze your nipples, like so..'

Al has buried Pepper.. then GTV catches Bossy pissing on the grave.

The Hollys come out. Holly says, 'I'm hardcore 24-7..' You mean just hard, Priapus Man. Now we have a match with Bossy vs. Holly aaaaand Holly won. Thought there would be some sort of drama, huh??

Next the cameramen are in a topless bar with chicks pole dancing. Hey, that reminds me. I haven't called my mom in a long time. Just kidding. Mark Henry is watching but D'lo attacks. In the background, we see the emergence of perhaps a new wrestling character: Action Girl.

Huh Huh Huh and Chyna vs. Vince and Shane. HHH takes his ritualistic sneeze at the top of the ramp. He's like a sort of horror movie water monster. Leviathhhon, Creature from the BlaHHHck Lagoon. Sorry, that sucked. It's funnier if you actually pronounce them the way they're spelled.

OOH, look, he let out one long careening booger string. He looks like he's waiting to see how long it'll dangle there.

By the way, Vinnie has been barricaded in his locker room. I certainly hope he tried to open the door by pulling it in as well. I've made that mistake often. In retaliation, the door opens up in my face on occasion. This is a long term feud I have with Door which is the same feud that Bostin has with Sidewalk. I think a tag team bout is in order soon.

Testes replaces Vinnie and Shane actually looks surprised, 'Hey whattaknow bout dat.. it's the Testes.' You know, it's a well proven fact that old people put the word 'the' before every name, including proper names, band names, etc. For instance, THE Korn, THE Steve, THE Metallica...

The unexplained mysteries of strange old folk.

Testes almost pins HHH and JR says, 'That was close..' Yes indeed, that WAS close. POW! I think HHH is pregnant now.

Jarrett runs in to attack Testes but Chyna chases him away. Testes manages to miss an elbow drop move and grasps his arm in pain. 'MY ZIT, POPPED !!!' Heavens, that can really hurt.

Eventually, HHH gets the chair, lays out his opponents, starts heading towards the back and Vinnie appears behind him with a chair of his own. 'HERE! SIT DOWN, YOU!!'

Smackdown snippet: X-Pac HAS returned!! Ice pops for everyone!! Energy drinks all around! Rumor has it that WWF will sponsor Crunch and Munch soon. This brings about a silly story about the English language and the casualties of misinterpreting headlines. A newsboard titled this rumor, 'WWF Sign Deal with Crunch N' Munch.' For some reason, I thought a WWF sign (as in signage) had a deal (meaning, 'What the hell is your deal, man') with Crunch N’ Munch. That is about as classic as ‘Giant Man Eating Mollusks’.

Of course, if it said, ‘WWF SignS Deal with Crunch N’ Munch’, all that confusion wouldn’t have surfaced at all. The English language is a powerful tool in the war of confusion. In the least, you know who your illiterate enemies are.

This also brings to mind the best newspaper headline I ever came across.

FBI Agent Fingers Suspect.

I need not say another word. I just need to find that FBI agent.. stat!

Anyways, here is an example of how excess Energy may cause problems. Dizziness may set in.

Eventually, the hand may become palsied.

Boy, he can’t stop, can he.

Later on in the show, Kane wrestled against HHH in an inferno match. To distract the poor Kaney, someone dumped a bloody X onto the top of the ramp (of course it was UT. He just won't leave that boy alone. He's jealous that Kane got himself such a hottie).

Mideon and Viscera head towards Kane, who leaps off the top rope onto them which caused Mideon’s potatoe chips to scatter about around them. ‘Oh, my Pringles.’ I hope it wasn’t Sour Cream and Onion, that would be such a waste.

This causes the distracted Kaney to get his gloved hand set on fire. Still, the playful big red machine felt the need to show his buddy, X. ‘Hey look, my hand, it's on fire! I feel like I should start off the Olympics!!’

Of course this leads to the mark-out moment, where Kane has taken X to the back. Kane puts his hand on X's head.. and the other hand on his own head… to compare head sizes, maybe? Oh well, it was a sweet gesture.

Also newsworthy, I reckon, is NAO are back together, without any explanation as to why they reconciled. All we know is that Butt is one big tan with glowing teeth. Nothing else..  They beat Rock and MK to become the tag team title champs.

End a story.