Flashback of Unforgiven. WHAT HAPPENED!!?? Stevie is giving HHH mouth to mouth?? Smooch. I wonder if Stevie slipped him the tongue though and made that silly lolling noise as well.
An 'Earlier Today' segment where Vinnie, with our good buddy Serial Hugger Tony Garea, is lecturing the refs on how they need to seize authority of the matches. Good pep talk. Vinnie shakes their hands and I'm sure Tony whispered in Vinnie's ear, 'Don't forget to tell that I get the mandatory hug on their way out.'
Hell, it's been a while since his last fatal hug. He's in need of a fix.
HHH comes out to the ring. It's pretty hard to decipher what the lyrics are to his entrance music. It sounds like the dude (who I picture to be super scrawny skinny) is screaming, 'Must-ARD! Must-ARD! Must-AAAAAAAAAAARD!!!'
Easy boy. I think you should switch to ketchup if mustard gets you that hyped up and whatever you do, stay away from the hot sauce. It's for your own good, man.
By this point, I know that HHH has been speaking and I don't know what he's saying. All I know is that he keeps adding 'uh' to the end of his words. Indeeduh... the game-uh.. man-uh... time-uh. Dude-uh.. cut it out-uh.
Alright, HHH says that 'Stone Cold got on his his hands and knees and it was just that dominant.'
Hey, English please? He continues, 'Stone Cold is the last notch on my belt..' Bostin thought he said 'last notch on his bedpost'. Well, judging from that kiss Stevie gave HHH at Unforgiven, he may be right.
British Bulldog comes into the ring, says, 'Enough of Stone Cold..' He and HHH made an agreement that if one of them won the title at Unforgiven, the other would get a title shot. That was about all I can make of Bulldog's speech since I can't for the life of me figure out what sort of accent he has. He managed to say 'First of all,' and 'Second of all,' the way most humans would but... 'DURDOWALL!!' was beyond my comprehension.
Of course, men who know how to have a good clean, fair argument.. start insulting each other. HHH says that Bulldog has a 'bucket sized head'. Then Bulldog calls HHH, 'Gam boy' (which is supposed to be Gameboy but perhaps Bulldog has seen HHH's gammy legs up close). I think the really hurtful words were suppressed for it is family television but Mad Phat shall assist and keep the fire going.
Vince says, 'Dribble H..' Vin done good at speak. 'I hope the British Bulldog caused you no boderly harm.' Vin has been going to Pat Patterson classes of speech impediment enhancements.
By the way, the fringes on your wrestling outfit?? How very Bon Jovi. COOOOWboy... WAAAANTED... Bon Jovi is from New Jersey, you know, and he's singing about cowboys.
HHH is irate that he has to wrestle Rock. So he looks around for ... the Bucket. 'I wanna kick the bucket..'
An Earlier Today segment shows Steph doing some shopping with Testes for his wedding tux. After he models a snazzy tux, she says he looks handsome. The mics didn't get her saying, 'Now you look like a bunny in a tux. Quik, get the rabbit ears..' (I said Quik.. hwaaar). (If the tux had tails, he'd be a beaver... BC)
Jarrett gets in the ring and he challenges Chyna and Debra to a mixed match. They will go up against Jeff and Helmet Hair Man, Tom Pritchard.
Big Show vs. Chris Jericho with Curtis Hughes. Jericho takes full responsibility for 'ending Kenny's career'. He says that he is 'one bad mamma jamma..' Yes he is a bad mamma jamma who wears 2 inch lifts in his shoes. That just makes him a short mamma jamma. Chris, stand firm and shout out, 'I'm 5 ft. 3 and I'M PROUD!!' while I go get some phallic ice pops.
Prince Albert does commentary during this match. He marvels us by expressions like, 'I will be the new skyscaper..' Like a landscaper?? Scaping the sky would be a pretty difficult thing to do. You'll need a pretty tall ladder and Big Show sized tools.
Lawler says to Prince Rug, 'You wanna start with the Pig Show??'
Yes, he DID say PIG Show. There's nothing wrong with my hearing.
Prince Rug interferes, goes after Pig Show, Jericho runs away and Road Dogg is out barking mad and just manages to gets Hughes.
Backstage, Cole interviews Chyna, who accepts Jarrett's challenge.
See, I can write normal commentary.
He calls Vinnie out and tells him to 'put a little spring in his step..' Vince may be thinking, 'No way, those girls will end up putting a tutu on me also if I sprung down the ramp. What are you, mental?'
As I look at my notes, I wrote, 'Stevie will get shot..' Of course I meant to write that Stevie will get A shot (at the title). Small words like those are very important to the English language and will distinguish between writers and internet reporters. Heh.
GTV segment of the Posse telling Terri Runnels to vamoose. Rod and Abs have used her and they're done. Pete Frog however didn't get a chance. The storyline is very basic but this segment allowed us to see the froggish bare back of the topless Pete Frog. I'm getting warts. Thanks.
Droz comes out for commentary in this match. It would have been nice if he commentated. I'm sure Droz would answer, 'Listen, they told me I had to go out there, they didn't say anything about speaking.' Only when Lawler asked him, 'So what do you think, Droz..' did he finally say something. He should have replied, 'I dunno.'
Black Man then gets the kendo stick and attacks D'lo. And since Jim Dotson was there along the way to the back, he figured he'd kendo Dotson too. There, you blew it, Steve. Let's see if Dotson will escort your ass to your car during those late night grocery excursions. Let's see how you fare against those women shoppers with coupons in hand, screaming, 'Pepperidge Farm remembers! Pepperidge Farm remembers!'
Droz attacks D'lo and supposedly puked on him. Good thing we didn't see it. That is just.. wrong, not to mention smelly, acidic and generally disgusting and not very nice. Mark Henry comes out to help D'lo but D'lo resists. He was probably afraid that Henry would eat him. Food or regurgitated food, Henry will probably eat it.
Good God, that was disgusting.
Rock tells her to get her no pancake ass to.. Smackdown hotel.. I suppose he'll meet her there later or something. Actually, he should have said, 'her flat AS A pancake ass.' Old age tends to cause asses to go concave. No, I stand corrected.
Then Mick brings out Rock's old coach, Everett Hart, who comes out to his own theme music, which sounds so.... Eye of the Tiger.
Then it's the Rock's high school sweetheart, Joann. Can the make-up lady lacquer more make-up on her, I don't think she's wearing enough of it. She can still move her face, you know. Anyways, Rock starts talking about their relationship, about how she used to nibble on the Rock's ear and neck...
He recollects, 'Remember when you said, 'Rock, go for second base..'' Perhaps Rock then ran out to the baseball field and found that she wasn't there therefore THINKING that he got jilted but was actually just a victim of stupidity.
By the way, Rock says, 'Poontang Pie'.. Now, he's able to say 'poontang' on tv and I get tos'd off AOL for saying that?? AOL = Double standards. They actually had the nerve to ask if I'd like to become a member again. Of course, I returned their software with a little note saying, 'You've got to be kidding,' and a few other words regarding censorship, freedom of speech, cryptic rulings and favoritism.
For example, they never tos'd someone who wrote, 'HHH, I'd like to suck it all day and all night long.' How profane is that?
Anyways, poontang poontang poontang.. poontangpoontang. (Is poontang pie like hairpie??... BC) Probably, just crustier and creamier.
It's time for Rock to open the presents. Mick says to Rock, 'Open up this bad boy, Rock.' That's not a bad boy, it's a box. And if Rock was opening up a bad boy, I'd say he'll get arrested and beat up by his wife first, then by the prison guards.
Rock gets a Rock 'n' Sock jacket and a Rocko sock. You know what, this segment was painfully drawn out .. 20 minutes!
That's about as embarrassing as coming out of the bathroom with those sanitary toilet seat covers creeping out of the seat of your pants. I know nothing about that, by the way. He should have started wagging his leg like a dog to liberate those balloons.
NAO challenges any team for a shot at their title. Backstage, the Holly's are watching this on the monitor. Mini Holly says, 'You think these guys meet the super heavyweight standards?' Holly should have replied, 'Oh shut up! Twerp!' Little guys.. sometimes you just wanna pound on them. I'm sure at some point in their relationship, Holly screamed to Mini Holly, 'Stop following me around, will you?? Why are you Single White Femaling me??? And SHUT UP already!'
X and Kane actually answer the challenge. WHOO!! Ice pops!! X has got himself a new marketable shirt, a picture of him holding a keg of Energy. Let's see him guzzle that down. He'll start turning colors (including plaid).
The Hollys come in to do commentary. JR says that they didn't get out there quick enough. Hard Holly replies, 'Hell, we had to go get the scale... because... we had to make sure... that.. me .. meet ... requirements.... super heavyweight..' I think his circuits were shorting out. 'Data.... cannot.. compute.. words.. I .. don't... eeeeeh... oooooh..' Fizzle fried.
Hollys interfere in the match. No winners but HUGS all around.
Backstage, Rooster Taylor interviews Moolah and Mae Old. Moolah has her say about Ivory and eventually Mae Old blurts out, 'She's a tramp!!' Anyone ever hear old people scream?? Here is our rendition of what we think Mae Old would sound like saying, 'Traaaaamp!! MAAATLOCK! GOLDEN GIRLS!! You know who's a cute young man?? The Jake Roberts. He's so SPRY! All the young kids like the Jake Roberts.'
I think we're gonna burn in hell. Don't worry, we already have visions of ourselves in our old age. Pink hair, wallpaper clothing, knee hi's rolled down to the ankles. I always picture myself to have a house full of cats and a few shotguns.
Oh, check out the guy with the big feet there. Y'all know who that is right?? Droz. No one else on this Earth possesses kayak feet like that.
Ivory vs. Moolah and Mae Old in an evening gown match? Good grief. Of course, Ivory lets them tackle her down a few times, to which I'm sure she screamed, 'OH GOD! I SMELL THE GERITOL! Get your Ben-Gay smelling ass off me!'
Eventually, Ivory strips Mae Old down to her pasty white body suit (no way, that's her flesh??!! Whoa), black bra, big gotchies and support hose. Ivory almost managed to toss her out of the ring but Mae just couldn't make it. She was considerate enough to try throwing herself over but Ivory finished the job. By the way, did I mention that this was really painful to watch? Eventually, Moolah strips Ivory and the Golden Girls win.
GTV. Venis walks by, finds Rocko in the garbage, rolls it up and stuffs it in his area.
Jarrett, Pritchard with Miss Kitty vs. Debra and Chyna. Tom Pritchard must have fluffed his hair helmet about fifty times before getting in the ring.
Anyways, Deb and Kitty have a catfight, Pritchard hits Chyna with the guitar, who falls and lands on Jarrett and pins him.
We were expecting him to just fall completely out of camera range and the only thing showing would be his leg. HHH completely grumbled to himself after that flubbery, 'Dammit, those girls are going to be on my ass.'
Backstage, Rock is pacing. He must be thinking, 'haha, got HHH good. All I did was stand in a certain spot for 3 seconds, let my sweat pour off my body until there was a puddle beneath me and ... ha, all he had to do was walk by it.'
Stone Cold comes out for commentary for the HHH vs Rock match. Some female fan behind him must have taken about 50 pictures of the back of his head, his neck hairs and the wrinkles. I'm sure she had them all framed.
HHH comes out on the top of the ramp, 'Hey everyone.. huh.. I slipped back there.' Unfortunately his character doesn't really allow him to say something like, 'WATCH OUT! It's slippery over there!' the way Road Dogg did. Either way, it becomes Mad Phat material.
At one point both Rock and HHH lay pooped in the ring.
All night long, someone kept holding up one of those long balloons (you know, the ones that you can make balloon animals with.. or something that resembles the lower intestines) and waving it spastically.
Anyways, the Buckethead runs in and attacks Pinky Lifter.
What do you expect from jean tuckers. Sheesh.