By Chokee Slam

* As all Mad Phatties know, there were no updates for over three weeks due to some major overhauling of the site. But because of sweet emails such as the following, we knew we had to get these Raw reports up and moving again. Thank you all for your patience and support:

From: WatsonFan1
Date: Sat, 9 Oct 1999 19:46:36 EDT
Subject: ARGGGHHHHHHHHH!
To: chokeeslam@yahoo.com

If you don't put up any new Raw Is War reports...I'll.....I'll....I'LL EAT PASTE AND ASK FOR 
SECONDS!!!  I'LL TEAR SHREDS OF LINOLEUM OFF THE FLOOR AND USE THEM 
FOR TUBE SOCKS!!!!! OH GOD, I'LL RUN BAREFOOT ON NEEDLES HEATED BY HOT 
COALS WHILE BALANCING A GRAND PIANO AND A LITTLE WHITE POODLE ON MY NOSE 
IF YOU DON'T UPDATE!  FOR THE LOVE OF THE HOLY LORD AND HIS POSSE ON HIGH, 
PLEASE UPDATE!!!!!

Signed, a typical Mad Phat Phan.

'Typical' is never a descriptive for Mad Phat phans and that's what we love about our Mad Phat Army.

Meadowlands, NJ

What happens when you hit the pause button and not the record button? You realize you're a) a gimp or b) you're tired or c) you're a tired AND stupid gimp. Ah well, so I missed 5 minutes of the show. No biggy. In soap operas, even if you miss a MONTH of programming, you'll never find yourself lost in the storylines.

There was a four way tag team match between NAO, X-Pac and Kane, the Acolytes and The Hollys. This eventually filtered out to X and Kane vs. Acolytes. This is when yours truly woke up just in time to catch Mr. Coo Simmons covering X (he is not only a coo man, but a damn smart man for knowing the benefits of smearing his body over X's like peanut butter).

Kane wants in as he tries to get a grab of some fine, coo ass. His ass must be so fine, you can't just grab it, you should wear it as a hat. I don't think Kane swings that way though. Anyways, I'm sure Mr. Coo was feeling his butt getting warm.

As the match continued, X managed to kick Bradshaw in the head and disorient him good. It made Bradshaw forget that he was supposed to fall down as he remained in suspended dorkimation for a good five minutes.  Oh Brad, you're just a mess. Look, he's playing aeroplane, his hair is mussed, his feet are askewed, legs twisted, tits are aflopping, jelly roll is rolling... I bet his eyes are crossed too.

I fully sympathize however as I've found myself that way after a drunk night of downing 50 thimbles of .. beer. I'm a lightweight. Look, X is even embarrassed for him and me (for not holding my liquor).

Now, WE know all too well that if you find yourself as a new inductee to the Ministry of Funny Stances, you must do something to counteract it. A) You act as if nothing happened and hope no one saw you. B) You do another funny stance.   C) You blame your shoes.

Brad takes choice B and mimes a Discus Thrower. Albeit a blobby, big tittied, baklava-eating, souvlaki snarfin', gyro crammin', muffin-stuffing discus thrower, but still, a discus thrower.

By this time, he figures, 'Oh, I suppose I should fall over. I think I'm holding this match up.' In the least, Mr. Shaw falls on his face pretty well.

Throughout the show, someone in the audience kept holding up signage of a horrifying illustration of.. Steve Blackman??  Where's the neck and body?? Ran out of markers, dude? It's the horror of the disembodied Steve Blackman head. Put that sign down, whydoncha, you're scaring children. Everytime the head pops up, I think it's saying, 'Hulloooo.. this is Steve Blackman...'

The finale of the match finds Kane covering Mr. Coo and Brad covering X. The Acolytes are declared the winners. This makes X a not very happy camper as he walks off without Kane. 'I'll just go to the back, flick my tongue in front of a mirror.. it's what I do best.. sigh..' Don't worry, X, even though you have the elusive (or retractable) pac, the important thing is that you are very skilled with tongue.

Backstage, we see Bulldog. There's something odd about his head, by the way. It's like a coconut with stubble. HHH really started something when he said he has a 'bucket-sized head'. At least started something for Mad Phat. Thanks Huh Huh Huh.

Flashback footage of the Birmingham, England show where Bulldog argues with Vinnie in the dressing room, then tosses a garbage can and .. this part is not shown but I bet the garbage can bounced off the wall, ricocheted off the floor, poinged to the ceiling and landed on Stephanie's head. It could happen.

Hell, we knew this girl who was on a small ladder, attempting to change a lightbulb. After she was done, she stepped gingerly down from the ladder, only to slip up, land her right ass cheek on the edge of the ladder, and bounced her other ass cheek on the edge of the coffee table. She didn't sit down for weeks. One day I'll tell you a story about her and a bike.

Bulldog comes out to the ring. Listen, if you're going to practice the art of jean tucking, you shouldn't be trying to pack flares into your boots. Are you pirates-of-penzancing now??

Bulldog takes the mic and good gravy, I think he rivals Patterson in the speech department. He says, 'Vince, aboat what happened.. ' A boat? Where?? Oh, he's talking about what happened to Stephanie but here we are trying to figure out if he's storing nuts in his cheeks for that long hard winter.  You should have been called the British Chipmunk.

When we think of 'Davey', we revert back to that scary religious claymation series, Davey and Goliath. 'Duh.. Daaaaa-vey.. God wouldn't like you stuffing acorns in your cheeks.' In one episode, they chanted, 'God is everywhere.. God is everywhere...' That's mighty disturbing, especially if God was in my hamper or something. I should hope that God isn't in the bathroom after a devastating poop session. I don't think the likes of God can even withstand wall to wall stink. And correct me if I'm wrong but God really shouldn't be in my drawers.

Bulldog says that Vin shouldn't put Stephanie in a locker room full of wrestlers. He's right, you know. Vin should put ME in there! Outta my way, coconut head.

He says, 'Vince, you screwed up...' Well, I imagine Vince is aged and experienced. He's most likely screwed up, down, sideways, upside down, hanging on a chandelaire and wearing a bullet bra... on his head, that is. Vince seems like a fun guy.

Anyways, Bulldog says after he's 'done finished with Rock..' perhaps you will then start commencing on .. English lessons? Boy, he talk good. Gooder than me. Good grief, man, you're British. Your people created the bloody, limey language.

Hey Chun Lee comes out! Actually it's Chyna with the underlighting. She's Chyne Lee. Anyways, since she and Bull have been having friction lately, she wants a match. Yes, I know, I said 'friction', pervs.

Dok Hendrix is speaking to Testes about Steph's condition. Testes says, 'She's in there fighting..' Is it wise for her to be fighting in her condition? She should be resting. Remember, this is a serious, serious matter. OH! Look at Dok's boobies! He's got granny tits.

Oh, Steph has amnesia. She would rather forget this storyline, right?

In the dressing rooms, Moolah and Mae Old attacks Ivory. Mae is probably screaming, 'Let me at her!! I wanna fall on that little young thang.. MATLOCK!!' It is a possibility that Mae and Moolah are irate because someone told them that Ivory was responsible for the cancellation of Matlock and the Golden Girls.

Terri Runnels comes out for commentary. Edge and Christian are getting into the ring via the audience sections. You know, all it would take is just one trip up and we'll hear one of them screaming, 'Oh my God, I'm falling! Ooch, ouch..MY SHOE FELL OFF!!.. oouch.. .. ooch... damn.. ow... I'm halfway down there!! (they're pretty high up in those bleachers, y'know)..'

Edge and Christian vs. Hard Boys. I think the storyline is whichever tag team wins three (?) matches, gets Terri's services and money.

Yo Christian, you ain't gonna win sporting that poofy Queens/ mall hair. We shall now dub you Christina. It's a hair leech, I reckon, and it's sucking his hair's will to be conditioned.

By the way, Christina's friendly neighborhood ass leech looks deflated sometimes. The only reasoning for that would be that he floated an air biscuit and that's all gas in there. Don't anyone stick a pin in his ass leech.

Hey, nice Wonder Woman bracelets you've got there, sistah! It's Wonder Wrestler! I saw your invisible jet outside. Nice interior and decor. I saw your pantyhose hanging in there though.

Eventually, Christina gets thrown onto the ropes in such a harsh manner, it made him gay. Suddenly he found himself singing Liza tunes and thinking about Ricky Martin. Edge and Christian won.

Cole is backstage with X and Kane. X wants to really prove himself so he wants 'Farooq (wow, haven't heard that name in a long time), Bradshaw, (X then accidentally hits the mic), THIS MIC!, Kane and myself' in a 4-corners match at No Mercy. This is a wild guess, but I think the mic will win. Just a gut feeling.

X says, 'Let's see who's standing when the smoke clears.' What he really meant to say was, 'Let's see how many snacks are left when the (doobage) smoke clears cause I'm sure I'll have the MAD munchies. And beware, Bradshaw, you better hide all your Twinkies cause after I get sooo stoned, I'm going to be HUNGRY!!'

Kane, the good buddy pal that he is, may be thinking, 'You shouldn't be smoking, it's bad for you. I mean, I WOULD KNOW! That's why I have this voice, the mask... this snazzy red and black outfit.. this hot ass..'

HHH gets out to the ring and addresses Austin. He then tells JR to get into the ring. Though a little relunctant at first, HHH wins him over with those sweet words of come hither, 'Come on, JR.' Some kid in the audience points to JR perhaps saying, 'That JR??' Well, he's not talking about Larry Hag Man.

HHH asks JR what he thinks of him. JR should have said, 'I think you're a girlie-haired, pinky-lifting, Roman (roamin') nose, lipo-boy.' HHH of course, clotheslines JR out of his cowboy hat and attacks. Geez, some people are very sensitive to criticism.

All the refs run in to assist. Earl Hebner grabbed the chair from HHH.. and fell backwards. Look atchoo. Can't you see where you're going? Now, if Mike Kiota, the Manic Counting Ref fell over, I bet he would have screamed, 'WHOOOOOOOA!!' the exact same way he does count-outs.

Commercial! The Norelco Jiz Shaver. This stuff spits out jiz as it shaves. See?

Cole has taken over on the commentator seat for JR. The dark clouds have appeared. Every human being has hung themselves using anything they can get their hands on such as bed sheets, ropes, or dental floss. Mass suicide attempts occur throughout the populace as people try chopping their own heads off with cheese cutters or running their heads into walls.

Jarrett and Ivory vs. Moolah and Mae Old. Jarrett and Mike Kiota seem to be exchanging some words. Careful Jarrett, his counting voice is like nothing you've ever experienced. It's worse than most natural disasters. Mike seems to be warning Jarrett,  'Listen man, you better hope that I'm not in a counting mood. Don't make me count at you. I can floor you with a 'SIX!!' You'll be out cold.'

Jarrett was supposed to wrestle but he pushed Kitty into the match. She tries to crawl away and keep her dress down at the same time, which is a pretty difficult thing to do. Oh, I know nothing about that, by the way.

Eventually Ivory gets in the ring and she manages to roll over Moolah's hump (oh dear). Kitty ends up losing the match and the irate Jarrett puts the figure four on Kitty. Moolah and Mae TRIED to get back in to the ring to get Jarrett but.. 10 minutes later, Jarrett got tired of waiting and rolled out of the ring.

Kiota makes sure there is order in the ring. 'Leave, Jarrett, or I'll count you out. No one in this world has ever experienced my wrath of TEN!! Don't make me use it!'

Heh.. Mad Phat = goofy. Remember kids, this type of goofiness should not be experimented with unless you yourself have lived our lives. Ah well, Mad Phatties were made aware of Tony Garea, the Serial Hugger. Now it's Mike Kiota's moment to shine. Or count. Really loud like.

GTV segment where Droz pukes into D'lo's bag. Was that necessary?

Mankind comes out with the two stars of G vs E series. Lawler said, 'What were those guys there for? To plug GvsE?? The series that shows on Sunday nights.. after Heat.. 8:00 eastern 7:00 pacific.. Sunday? Did I say Sunday? After Heat?' Shameless plugs. Well, if you're going to plug, do it shamelessly. Unless you're corking up the crimson tide flow. That just needs to be plugged (period). I meant period as in.. end of sentence.. not..  eh well, you all understand. Don't you?

The Rock comes in and babbles about the Rock and Sock connection.. about Poontang.. and about people chanting his name. At this point, Bostin and I started chanting, 'Poontang Poontang..' We know what's important.

Jericho interrupts and uuuh.. dude. .. if you've got mad panty lines, your ass really shouldn't be facing the camera. Geez, ever heard of Underoos?

Ah, but he turns around.. and there we see his little Jericho. Aw, it's cute.  Ding.. Dong. Anyone home?

Hughes is behind him like, 'I'm a tough lemon sucking mofo.. I drink lemonade from concentrate.. no sugar.. I take swigs of Real Lemon from the bottle.. Them Warheads?? Child's play. Means nothing to me. I suck those down like a bastich.'

Jericho does tell Rock off and asks why he has a fixation for sticking things into anuses. Then some manic Jericho fan got into the ring but Mankind handled the situation. He led him out, 'Get outta here..Yeah yeah, I know, big fan, big fan..' The Rock handled it with confusion, 'Are you part of the script?? I didn't get that page.'

Oh, a match is set for Jericho vs. Rock.

Backstage, Mankind and Stevie Richards, the New Dude Love, are attacked by the Dudleys.

Bulldog vs. Chyna. At one point, Chyna throws Bulldog towards the turnbuckle and .. he flipped himself upside down and bounced off the buckles and landed onto the mat again. Hey stupid, why'd you go and do that to yourself for? Don't you worry none, we'll assist in covering up that little mishap. We'll say that ... uh... a big fire hydrant got in the way. Better yet, someone just left their VW Beetle in the ring.

There, that's where he tripped on the mat. What a predicament. Bostin knows what it's like to trip up that bad. I've seen it happen and it's not pretty. Usually the last word before the fatal embarrassing trip is a brief, '..oh..' Sometimes some people will manage to get the word, 'dip' out but by that time they're already eating concrete.

This is Bulldog cam, by the way. This was his view after he tripped over that .. uh.. VW Beetle (wink wink). Aye, Bulldog??

Jarrett comes in, hits Chyna with a tub of coffee and Bulldog gets her ready for a big slam. He says to HHH that if he doesn't come out, 'I'm gonna plunt her ass in this ring..' PLUNT even! That sounds more devastating than LUNKING or THROUTING! Maybe not half as bad as thunking though.

Oh well, he ended up plunting her. I sure hope she enjoyed it, at least. Would that be considered a PG, PG-13 or NC-17 move?

Backstage, Terry Rooster is with the Dudleys. Poor Taylor, he gets the most uncomfortable interviews. He's got Bubba spitting on him, he had Moolah pinching his cheeks.. and he's got fowl jokes thrown at him by Mad Phat. Fowl.. get it?? Fowl??

Critics.

Mankind and Dude Love vs. Acolytes. Thankfully, JR is back at the announcer's table. The Dudleys get in the ring and Dude Love punched the doo-rag right off Bubba's head. I bet Mike Kiota would have done the same just by using his powerful counting voice.

Venis comes out with Rocko dangling out from his area. Good grief, just like a man, it's hanging out, he's jiggling it and it's all limp. It looks like a long, fat bacon.

Anyways, Venis is doing commentary. Venis says, 'There isn't a day when he (Mick) wakes up in the morning...' At this point, he's interrupted when wrestlers landed on the announcers table (they really should get some sort of control of raining wrestlers) and Venis didn't get to finish what he wanted to say. Eh, it probably would have been something like, ' ..well.. there isn't a day when he wakes up in the morning.. because he's... uh... waking up in the afternoon.. or evening.. '

The Dudleys pin Dude Love as Mankind is too busy dealing with Venis.

Vinnie enters the ring and addresses Bulldog. All he wants is for the British Buckethead to apologize to Stephanie.

Bulldog comes out, says, 'I'm sick......' He did say other things but due to his storing acorns in his mouth, I couldn't make it out.

Vince would like to BEAT an apology out of Bulldog. Bull's retort? This is a good one. It was so good, we played this segment a few thousand times. He said, 'Hold it right THUH.. You think you can beat me? NO BLEH can beat me!'

WHOA! He said NO BLEH??!!! Wow, he must be sick. Ah well, if he's going to regurgitate, it's a good thing he has a bucket that he carries on his shoulder 24-7.

Bulldog leaves after he said his piece. Well, then GOOD BLAH, Buckethead!

Whoo! Who misses Patterson when Bulldog is in town!

Rock vs. Jericho.

Oh God, the horrors of illustrated signage. Is that Jabba the Rock? Can he look any more bloated? It's wearing lipstick! (It's Nell Carter!!! ...BC) To make it worse, the sign reads, 'FINALY The Rock is in Jersey.' Uh.. Final.. Y the Rock is in Jersey (yes, I also ask WHY is he in Jersey?).

Of course, in New Jersey, it's very suitable for him to say, 'Do you smeeeeelllll....', because Jersey certainly does. It could use one big BAN roll-on. New Jersey is not too SURE.

Good grief, the Rock illustration's got lipstick on and they don't have a dictionary. Go home.

Even the Rock is mighty disgusted. Actually he couldn't take his eyes off that signage for a good 10 minutes. Like a car wreck, no matter how atrocious it is, you can't help but to stare at it. 'How could you.. I thought you guys were my fans.. I am NOT Nell Carter..'

The match is on.

Hughes is still keeping his sunglasses elastic super tight on his head causing his skin to flappeth over. He's going to give himself one of those Mark Henry type braineurysms.

You know, wrestling can be hazardous. It made Jericho's ponytail go limp. (It's flaccid... BC) By the way, Jericho is a new inductee to the Tiny Nipple Brigade. Mm, they're small.. AND they're light which puts him in the Tiny Nipple Brigade's Light Division.

WHOA! What happened to the audience? Did they all tip over?? Some person on the far right blew a nasty fart and it blew the audience over, I assume. (The Rock threw his elbow pad into the audience... BC) Well, the smell of that can make them tip over also.

Jericho unfortunately had to job to that crappy sweaty elbow but eh.. Bulldog runs in and attacks Rock. He took these little sneaky tippy-toe steps. And we thought Bulldog was going to be no fun. Dude, you are giving us SO many laughs. You and your flash-dancing, tippie-toeing, bucket head, jean tucking, plunting self. Thanks!

Vinnie closes out the show by attacking our new Mad Phat buddy, Buckethead. Easy on the bucket please. It's valuable to us.

See if we care...
Email Chokee Slam** or Bostin Crab**
**Please note that any email (hate mail or otherwise) will become the property of
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