* As all Mad Phatties know, there were no updates for over three weeks due to some major overhauling of the site. But because of sweet emails such as the following, we knew we had to get these Raw reports up and moving again. Thank you all for your patience and support:
If you don't put up any new Raw Is War reports...I'll.....I'll....I'LL EAT PASTE AND ASK FOR SECONDS!!! I'LL TEAR SHREDS OF LINOLEUM OFF THE FLOOR AND USE THEM FOR TUBE SOCKS!!!!! OH GOD, I'LL RUN BAREFOOT ON NEEDLES HEATED BY HOT COALS WHILE BALANCING A GRAND PIANO AND A LITTLE WHITE POODLE ON MY NOSE IF YOU DON'T UPDATE! FOR THE LOVE OF THE HOLY LORD AND HIS POSSE ON HIGH, PLEASE UPDATE!!!!! Signed, a typical Mad Phat Phan.
'Typical' is never a descriptive for Mad Phat phans and that's what we love about our Mad Phat Army.
What happens when you hit the pause button and not the record button? You realize you're a) a gimp or b) you're tired or c) you're a tired AND stupid gimp. Ah well, so I missed 5 minutes of the show. No biggy. In soap operas, even if you miss a MONTH of programming, you'll never find yourself lost in the storylines.
There was a four way tag team match between NAO, X-Pac and Kane, the Acolytes and The Hollys. This eventually filtered out to X and Kane vs. Acolytes. This is when yours truly woke up just in time to catch Mr. Coo Simmons covering X (he is not only a coo man, but a damn smart man for knowing the benefits of smearing his body over X's like peanut butter).
I fully sympathize however as I've found myself that way after a drunk night of downing 50 thimbles of .. beer. I'm a lightweight. Look, X is even embarrassed for him and me (for not holding my liquor).
Now, WE know all too well that if you find yourself as a new inductee to the Ministry of Funny Stances, you must do something to counteract it. A) You act as if nothing happened and hope no one saw you. B) You do another funny stance. C) You blame your shoes.
The finale of the match finds Kane covering Mr. Coo and Brad covering X. The Acolytes are declared the winners. This makes X a not very happy camper as he walks off without Kane. 'I'll just go to the back, flick my tongue in front of a mirror.. it's what I do best.. sigh..' Don't worry, X, even though you have the elusive (or retractable) pac, the important thing is that you are very skilled with tongue.
Flashback footage of the Birmingham, England show where Bulldog argues with Vinnie in the dressing room, then tosses a garbage can and .. this part is not shown but I bet the garbage can bounced off the wall, ricocheted off the floor, poinged to the ceiling and landed on Stephanie's head. It could happen.
Hell, we knew this girl who was on a small ladder, attempting to change a lightbulb. After she was done, she stepped gingerly down from the ladder, only to slip up, land her right ass cheek on the edge of the ladder, and bounced her other ass cheek on the edge of the coffee table. She didn't sit down for weeks. One day I'll tell you a story about her and a bike.
When we think of 'Davey', we revert back to that scary religious claymation series, Davey and Goliath. 'Duh.. Daaaaa-vey.. God wouldn't like you stuffing acorns in your cheeks.' In one episode, they chanted, 'God is everywhere.. God is everywhere...' That's mighty disturbing, especially if God was in my hamper or something. I should hope that God isn't in the bathroom after a devastating poop session. I don't think the likes of God can even withstand wall to wall stink. And correct me if I'm wrong but God really shouldn't be in my drawers.
Bulldog says that Vin shouldn't put Stephanie in a locker room full of wrestlers. He's right, you know. Vin should put ME in there! Outta my way, coconut head.
He says, 'Vince, you screwed up...' Well, I imagine Vince is aged and experienced. He's most likely screwed up, down, sideways, upside down, hanging on a chandelaire and wearing a bullet bra... on his head, that is. Vince seems like a fun guy.
Anyways, Bulldog says after he's 'done finished with Rock..' perhaps you will then start commencing on .. English lessons? Boy, he talk good. Gooder than me. Good grief, man, you're British. Your people created the bloody, limey language.
Oh, Steph has amnesia. She would rather forget this storyline, right?
In the dressing rooms, Moolah and Mae Old attacks Ivory. Mae is probably screaming, 'Let me at her!! I wanna fall on that little young thang.. MATLOCK!!' It is a possibility that Mae and Moolah are irate because someone told them that Ivory was responsible for the cancellation of Matlock and the Golden Girls.
Terri Runnels comes out for commentary. Edge and Christian are getting into the ring via the audience sections. You know, all it would take is just one trip up and we'll hear one of them screaming, 'Oh my God, I'm falling! Ooch, ouch..MY SHOE FELL OFF!!.. oouch.. .. ooch... damn.. ow... I'm halfway down there!! (they're pretty high up in those bleachers, y'know)..'
Edge and Christian vs. Hard Boys. I think the storyline is whichever tag team wins three (?) matches, gets Terri's services and money.
Cole is backstage with X and Kane. X wants to really prove himself so he wants 'Farooq (wow, haven't heard that name in a long time), Bradshaw, (X then accidentally hits the mic), THIS MIC!, Kane and myself' in a 4-corners match at No Mercy. This is a wild guess, but I think the mic will win. Just a gut feeling.
X says, 'Let's see who's standing when the smoke clears.' What he really meant to say was, 'Let's see how many snacks are left when the (doobage) smoke clears cause I'm sure I'll have the MAD munchies. And beware, Bradshaw, you better hide all your Twinkies cause after I get sooo stoned, I'm going to be HUNGRY!!'
Kane, the good buddy pal that he is, may be thinking, 'You shouldn't be smoking, it's bad for you. I mean, I WOULD KNOW! That's why I have this voice, the mask... this snazzy red and black outfit.. this hot ass..'
HHH asks JR what he thinks of him. JR should have said, 'I think you're a girlie-haired, pinky-lifting, Roman (roamin') nose, lipo-boy.' HHH of course, clotheslines JR out of his cowboy hat and attacks. Geez, some people are very sensitive to criticism.
All the refs run in to assist. Earl Hebner grabbed the chair from HHH.. and fell backwards. Look atchoo. Can't you see where you're going? Now, if Mike Kiota, the Manic Counting Ref fell over, I bet he would have screamed, 'WHOOOOOOOA!!' the exact same way he does count-outs.
Cole has taken over on the commentator seat for JR. The dark clouds have appeared. Every human being has hung themselves using anything they can get their hands on such as bed sheets, ropes, or dental floss. Mass suicide attempts occur throughout the populace as people try chopping their own heads off with cheese cutters or running their heads into walls.
Jarrett was supposed to wrestle but he pushed Kitty into the match. She tries to crawl away and keep her dress down at the same time, which is a pretty difficult thing to do. Oh, I know nothing about that, by the way.
Eventually Ivory gets in the ring and she manages to roll over Moolah's hump (oh dear). Kitty ends up losing the match and the irate Jarrett puts the figure four on Kitty. Moolah and Mae TRIED to get back in to the ring to get Jarrett but.. 10 minutes later, Jarrett got tired of waiting and rolled out of the ring.
Kiota makes sure there is order in the ring. 'Leave, Jarrett, or I'll count you out. No one in this world has ever experienced my wrath of TEN!! Don't make me use it!'
Heh.. Mad Phat = goofy. Remember kids, this type of goofiness should not be experimented with unless you yourself have lived our lives. Ah well, Mad Phatties were made aware of Tony Garea, the Serial Hugger. Now it's Mike Kiota's moment to shine. Or count. Really loud like.
GTV segment where Droz pukes into D'lo's bag. Was that necessary?
Mankind comes out with the two stars of G vs E series. Lawler said, 'What were those guys there for? To plug GvsE?? The series that shows on Sunday nights.. after Heat.. 8:00 eastern 7:00 pacific.. Sunday? Did I say Sunday? After Heat?' Shameless plugs. Well, if you're going to plug, do it shamelessly. Unless you're corking up the crimson tide flow. That just needs to be plugged (period). I meant period as in.. end of sentence.. not.. eh well, you all understand. Don't you?
The Rock comes in and babbles about the Rock and Sock connection.. about Poontang.. and about people chanting his name. At this point, Bostin and I started chanting, 'Poontang Poontang..' We know what's important.
Oh, a match is set for Jericho vs. Rock.
Backstage, Mankind and Stevie Richards, the New Dude Love, are attacked by the Dudleys.
Jarrett comes in, hits Chyna with a tub of coffee and Bulldog gets her ready for a big slam. He says to HHH that if he doesn't come out, 'I'm gonna plunt her ass in this ring..' PLUNT even! That sounds more devastating than LUNKING or THROUTING! Maybe not half as bad as thunking though.
Oh well, he ended up plunting her. I sure hope she enjoyed it, at least. Would that be considered a PG, PG-13 or NC-17 move?
Backstage, Terry Rooster is with the Dudleys. Poor Taylor, he gets the most uncomfortable interviews. He's got Bubba spitting on him, he had Moolah pinching his cheeks.. and he's got fowl jokes thrown at him by Mad Phat. Fowl.. get it?? Fowl??
Mankind and Dude Love vs. Acolytes. Thankfully, JR is back at the announcer's table. The Dudleys get in the ring and Dude Love punched the doo-rag right off Bubba's head. I bet Mike Kiota would have done the same just by using his powerful counting voice.
Anyways, Venis is doing commentary. Venis says, 'There isn't a day when he (Mick) wakes up in the morning...' At this point, he's interrupted when wrestlers landed on the announcers table (they really should get some sort of control of raining wrestlers) and Venis didn't get to finish what he wanted to say. Eh, it probably would have been something like, ' ..well.. there isn't a day when he wakes up in the morning.. because he's... uh... waking up in the afternoon.. or evening.. '
The Dudleys pin Dude Love as Mankind is too busy dealing with Venis.
Vinnie enters the ring and addresses Bulldog. All he wants is for the British Buckethead to apologize to Stephanie.
Bulldog comes out, says, 'I'm sick......' He did say other things but due to his storing acorns in his mouth, I couldn't make it out.
Vince would like to BEAT an apology out of Bulldog. Bull's retort? This is a good one. It was so good, we played this segment a few thousand times. He said, 'Hold it right THUH.. You think you can beat me? NO BLEH can beat me!'
WHOA! He said NO BLEH??!!! Wow, he must be sick. Ah well, if he's going to regurgitate, it's a good thing he has a bucket that he carries on his shoulder 24-7.
Bulldog leaves after he said his piece. Well, then GOOD BLAH, Buckethead!
Whoo! Who misses Patterson when Bulldog is in town!
Rock vs. Jericho.
Of course, in New Jersey, it's very suitable for him to say, 'Do you smeeeeelllll....', because Jersey certainly does. It could use one big BAN roll-on. New Jersey is not too SURE.
Good grief, the Rock illustration's got lipstick on and they don't have a dictionary. Go home.
The match is on.
Vinnie closes out the show by attacking our new Mad Phat buddy, Buckethead. Easy on the bucket please. It's valuable to us.