We bid a fond farewell to Gorilla Monsoon. He was a great personality to the world of professional wrestling. I recall during his storyline against Vader, people sent him 'Get Well Gorilla' wishes. Of course, now we say, 'Thank you, Gorilla, you will be missed.'
We'd also like to wish Droz a speedy recovery. Much strength to you and keep your spirits high. Be strong and we hope to see you entertaining us on the telly and in the ring once again.
A pretty dismal start to this raw report but hey, the purpose of satire is to try to help some people forget the tragedies. It doesn't mean we neglect it. We never forget that watching wrestling gives us so much fun and we thank every single one of the players for putting their bodies on the line for us EH-VER-EE damn show. This even includes the likes of Billy Butt and Gangrel.
Vinnie Mac is in ring and calls in Stone Cold Steven. Vinnie was pretty excited over this because he held his finger up in the air, as if to test the temperature, and wagged it. In other words, he was doing the Charleston, which is a dance they did in movies like 'It's a Wonderful Life'. Hey, Vin, don't let your age show, man! That movie was made in the 20's, ya?
Steve comes out and he's sporting just one knee brace this time. I'm sure wearing both was difficult if not annoying as they probably clicked against each other. Knowing Stevie's ease of getting caught up in 'caught up' situations, I bet the braces locked into each other, causing him to walk like Morticia Addams. Even worse, I'm sure he fell over and ended up in a self inflicted figure-8 leg lock.
Stevie takes the mic, tells HHH to 'brain your little carcass out..' Brain it? You mean to telepathically send his body out? I think he's going to need a bigger brain, you know. In the case of HHH, he'd need to acquire just a standard sized brain.
The people start chanting that HHH is a hole of an ass but he says, 'I don't care if these people live or die.' Yo, you do realize that those people put in the money that helped pay for your lipo and your girlfriend's face. Anyways, HHH continues, 'I'm in the driver's seat, Jack..'
Uhm his name is Steven. Stone Cold Steven. Stone Cold Jack doesn't really work. That's like Stone Cold Engelbert. (Stone Cold Harvey... BC)
HHH heads towards the ring and starts taking his shirt off. Stevie joins in and starts pulling his shirt from tuckage. 'Well alright then, let's get naked now!' Now that's the kind of entertainment I was looking for.
I can just picture JR holding the fan up to HHH like he was going to shoot a gun ala gangsta style or better yet, Emma 'Avengers' Peel style. Oh well, in the least, JR would have messed up HHH's hair real good. (He could have given him a real nasty cold or something... BC)
I think the better strategy would be to blow a fart and let the fan take the aroma towards HHH. Depending on what you ate, it could mess up his hair as well as melt the skin off his body.
Stevie beats up on HHH and lets JR get a couple of shots also. JR's next weapon could perhaps be .. a pencil. He can write all over him or even erase him. Chyna runs in but Stevie had everything under control.
HHH makes a challenge for a JR/ Austin vs. HHH/ Chyna match and adds, 'If you've got the balls..' If they don't have the balls, I'm sure they can get some. Basketballs, soccer balls, meatballs, handballs, etc are pretty accessible. Balls Mahoney, on the other hand, may cost a pretty penny.
Billy Butt vs. Crash Holly. Crash vs. Butt. God, if he ever crashed into that butt.. Butt would.. would... have Crash in his butt. He would need the jaws of life to extract him out. Oh, Butt won the match.
Backstage, Cole is with Mankind who is talking about the Rock not being a team player. He says, 'There's no 'I' in 'team'. There's no 'I' in Rock..' Of course not. If there was, you'd have.. Teami and .. Rick or Rocki (which would be the ultimate girl way of spelling Rocky).
Of course, Ivory creams Mae which prompts the knickers-wearing Moolah in to save. (They're pedal pushers!! ..BC)
Mankind is still pacing but Venis and Bulldog rudely interrupt him. By the way, what's with the bandage on the back of Venis' arm? Eh, he cut himself shaving, I suppose.
The refs take Venis and Bulldog away.. and yo guys, are you just going to leave Mankind there?? With the toilet seat? Leave some toilet paper at least. A Massengil?? Well, I suppose that's better than nothing.
This match is a continuation of the Terry Runnels invitational, by the way. They wrestle the Hard Boys, who are announced as 430 pounds. Okay, sure that's Gangrel's weight but what about the Hard Boys?
The Fair Hardy, dropped a leg onto Christian, then turned to the audience and yelled, 'Did you see me??' Yes, I saw you, Tommy. 'Seeeee me....... Feeeeel me.........' (Feel him?? Oooh, sounds like fun... BC)
Meanwhile, Lawler is trying to psyche JR for his upcoming match. Jerry asked him, 'You can't dropkick??' Well, I'm sure he can drop and perhaps kick. For example, I can certainly choke and then slam but I doubt I can chokeslam anything else besides cats, stuffed animals and small babies.
The match ends in a double DQ.
Kane, who, of course, loves his little buddy, probably humored him by saying, '..... mmm.... it's okay. You know, I like you no matter how you package yourself. You know I love you for what's inside you. Guts, intestines. I especially like your pancreas.'
True friendship. It's about appreciating the squishy bloody things inside.
Okay.. seriously folks. We got the phallic pops and we're already licking into the 5th one. X tells Kane not to interfere in his match. 'You have to let me do this myself.' 'This' meaning getting yourself beat up? Then mission accomplished, I would say.
The Rock makes mention of his expensive shirt again, which made us inspect it further. There's glitter on it as well as sheer parts. Hey, some words of advice. All that Glitters is.... just gay. Just complete the look by putting the feather boa on (I know you have one) and walk down the ramp singing Backside Boys' songs (thanks Howard, you're a brilliant albeit silly man).
You know.. everyone needs a 'jump start' from time to time, in the morning, at afternoon break, before sleeping, especially during poinking, or before a challenging activity (which includes poinking). Hansen's energy is carefully formulated with the amino acid Taurine, Ginkgo Biloba, key B Vitamins and other ingredients, which could very well kill you in the long run... or just provide a positive energy boost.
Hansen's energy is a refreshing, great tasting, lightly carbonated citrus flavored drink. Have a stimulating Hansen's energy when you need to be your best. It's the real deal! Suggested use: up to four cans per day. Not recommended for children and persons sensitive to caffeine. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. Shake gently.' Then X would shake himself gently.
What a good sponsor he is. If he keeps this up, all the advertisers will be after him (but they'll have to trample over our horny bodies first). Eventually, we'll see him carry all sponsored products in a huge grocery bag or an old granny wagon.
Kane is not supposed to interfere, as per X's wishes. This upsets Kane just as much as not getting Dawson's Crack on the TV monitor backstage. Of course Kane runs in and clears the ring. X yells at him since we all know that it wasn't going to be long before X got a hold of the situation. 'I had them in my hands, man!! They were MINE! I was just letting them build up their confidence! I was blocking all their elbows with my face. I was perfectly ALRIGHT!!'
Meanwhile Jerry is still psyching JR up for his match with HHH. 'What are you gonna do?' I bet JR thought, 'I'm gonna need a bigger fan.' Yeah, I think this calls for one of those big square, window ventilation deals.
On Heat, Thrasher revealed on GTV that Marianna was lieing about Chaz abusing her. Hence, we have the Headbangers back together and all is happy with the world, at least in the Mad Phat world.
Mark Henry is with his sex therapist. She says that 'tonight, you'll have to deal with it.' Henry asked, 'Tonight??' She replied, 'tonight..' He asked, 'Tonight??' She said, 'Tonight.' He said, 'Tonight ' She said, 'Two-niiite..'
JUST MAKE IT TOMORROW, OKAY??!?!?! Geez.
Chris Jericho and Curtis Hughes vs The Headbangers. Jericho now has a marketable shirt. It's a pretty generic 'Y2J' design. I guess he should now be called Chris Genericho. Just kidding. His character is too silly to be generic. Then again, I may be speaking from in between my legs. Or typing from in between my legs, which I must say, is a strenuous thing to do. D'OH!
Give me a phallic ice pop. We're trying new citrus flavors, you know. Maroon (raspberry), green (lime) and orange flavored. Bostin is worried that we may not like the green flavor but I assure her there's absolutely nothing NOTHING to worry about and sometimes green colored stuff is yummy. Bostin then asks, 'So what flavor do you want?'
During this match, Chris slapped the shirt off Mosh's body. Bostin screams that I need to hit the pause button because she needs to get five more ice pops. (Ever since Mosh took his shirt off some time ago, I was taken... BC) Where were you taken to?? It's cold out and you don't have a jacket. As a matter of fact, he doesn't have a shirt neither so you guys are partially there to naked city. That's a nice town, by the way, depending on which region you go to but
Curtis ends up hitting Jericho by accident and Chris leaves the match. The Headbangers win.
Backstage, D'lo is speaking with Wight who says his dad is dieing of cancer. Ever heard of that movie 'Bad Taste'?
Rock tells Mankind to pick up the poop from the bulldog pen.
Godfather vs. Mark Henry. The therapist figured that if Henry can concentrate on his match and not the girls, he would be cured. You went about it the wrong way. The hoes should have been a mass of hairy, smelly, overweight men in drag. That should have cured Henry. Godfather wins.
Cole says that Show 'is with a heavy heart'. He's with something heavy but it's not his heart. I'd say it's his head. Of course saying his whole SELF is heavy is just a given. Bossman uses the nightstick and gets disqualified. Al Snow runs in only to get hit by the nightstick also.
We are so confused.
Is it an animal? Hey, if it's an alien hand gesture, I bet Jerry Lynn knows what it means.
Eventually they take their battle behind the closed doors of the backstage area. As soon as the doors closed, they probably let out a sigh of, 'WHOOO! Okay, let's rest up where's the sparkling spring water and pate'?' Hey if we're going to create an alternate reality, we may as well make it froofy.
The cameras switch to Chyna pummelling JR in the ring. Cole says that Chyna is no normal woman. You mean she's got 6 nipples and 7 vaginas or something??
Jarrett runs in, clocks her with a toaster, throws her in a laundry hamper and wheels her out.
Cut back to Stevie and HHH, all well fed and pampered and .. they take their battle to the beer stand. I don't recall how it happened but Austin wins.
Jarrett wheels the hamper off the loading dock. Later, we see medics helping Chyna. There must have been a ballistic packet of ketchup in that hamper also because she looked like a bloody mess. Sometimes if there's a really small hole in those ketchup packets and you squeeze it gently, the repercussions is beyond messy.
Mankind carries the tray of dog poop to the end of the ramp and leaves it there. I bet that's Big Show's letting. That was from one sitting, you know.
A classic scenario would have been if Rock cooly walked down the ramp, absorbing the fans' cheers of adoration and admiration, cocky as all hell and then planted his foot into that tray of poop. Talk about cocky. KAH-KEE.
Match commenced and Bostin would like to know who Venis blew to get pushed into the main event. Aw.. come on, now you know it was Shane. In the least, I bet he had to start with the cleaning crew first.
Mick eventually chases Venis to the back.. and they probably made a screeching halt at the deli trays. Then Bulldog ends up in the dog poo. I mean, the Wight poo. Good gravy, I hope someone called Roto Rooter.