By Chokee Slam

Atlanta, GA

We bid a fond farewell to Gorilla Monsoon. He was a great personality to the world of professional wrestling. I recall during his storyline against Vader, people sent him 'Get Well Gorilla' wishes. Of course, now we say, 'Thank you, Gorilla, you will be missed.'

We'd also like to wish Droz a speedy recovery. Much strength to you and keep your spirits high. Be strong and we hope to see you entertaining us on the telly and in the ring once again.

A pretty dismal start to this raw report but hey, the purpose of satire is to try to help some people forget the tragedies. It doesn't mean we neglect it. We never forget that watching wrestling gives us so much fun and we thank every single one of the players for putting their bodies on the line for us EH-VER-EE damn show. This even includes the likes of Billy Butt and Gangrel.

raw792.jpg (19632 bytes) The fireworks open the show and hey lookee, someone is blowing out HUGE smoke rings. That person must have a mammoth mouth. You all know who it is, right? Mick Jagger. No? Steven Tyler. Alright, alright, it's Debra. Hell, I bet that's why Stevie likes her so much. By the way, in perfecting the task of smoke ring blowing, you must remember to make the sound, 'OW-ooh, OW-ooh (and repeat).'

Vinnie Mac is in ring and calls in Stone Cold Steven. Vinnie was pretty excited over this because he held his finger up in the air, as if to test the temperature, and wagged it. In other words, he was doing the Charleston, which is a dance they did in movies like 'It's a Wonderful Life'. Hey, Vin, don't let your age show, man! That movie was made in the 20's, ya?

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Steve comes out and he's sporting just one knee brace this time. I'm sure wearing both was difficult if not annoying as they probably clicked against each other. Knowing Stevie's ease of getting caught up in 'caught up' situations, I bet the braces locked into each other, causing him to walk like Morticia Addams. Even worse, I'm sure he fell over and ended up in a self inflicted figure-8 leg lock.

Stevie takes the mic, tells HHH to 'brain your little carcass out..' Brain it? You mean to telepathically send his body out? I think he's going to need a bigger brain, you know. In the case of HHH, he'd need to acquire just a standard sized brain.


raw794.jpg (16387 bytes) HHH answers the call and .. spits water. Why do you bother drinking it, man? Stevie looks at him, seemingly very jealous that HHH gets water as a beverage. After all, all they feed Stevie is beer. By the way, check out the size of Stevie's head! It's huuuge (say that in a Scottish accent)! His tiny ear gives the illusion that his big head is even bigger! It's like Sputnik! (It has its own gravitational pull!... BC) Poor Steve, I reckon he's just going to cry on his huuuuuge pillow.
Stevie then turned towards us and said, 'Listen you bitches, stop talking about my head. Debra likes it!' Please don't hurt us, Mr. Stone Cold Steven. Can we call you Stone Cold Stephan? raw795.jpg (21114 bytes)

The people start chanting that HHH is a hole of an ass but he says, 'I don't care if these people live or die.' Yo, you do realize that those people put in the money that helped pay for your lipo and your girlfriend's face. Anyways, HHH continues, 'I'm in the driver's seat, Jack..'

Uhm… his name is Steven. Stone Cold Steven. Stone Cold Jack doesn't really work. That's like Stone Cold Engelbert. (Stone Cold Harvey... BC)

raw796.jpg (22469 bytes) As HHH continued talking, we take notice of his little pet shadow. Pet Shadows are fun to have and easy to take care. It needs no feeding, no TLC, not even a license and registration to have it around. Good deal, huh? HHH's baby shadow is a junior. It's just an 'H' at this point. It's cute.

HHH heads towards the ring and starts taking his shirt off. Stevie joins in and starts pulling his shirt from tuckage. 'Well alright then, let's get naked now!' Now that's the kind of entertainment I was looking for.

Stevie won't let HHH, nor his little shadow, into the ring so HHH does what any real man would do. He biffs the nearest human he can find, which turned out to be JR. JR is naturally angered by this. Boy, HHH, you're in trouble now. An irate man with a cowboy hat is someone you don't want to deal with. JR is really going to sock it to you with... with ... the clip fan? raw797.jpg (25642 bytes)

I can just picture JR holding the fan up to HHH like he was going to shoot a gun ala gangsta style or better yet, Emma 'Avengers' Peel style. Oh well, in the least, JR would have messed up HHH's hair real good. (He could have given him a real nasty cold or something... BC)

I think the better strategy would be to blow a fart and let the fan take the aroma towards HHH. Depending on what you ate, it could mess up his hair as well as melt the skin off his body.

Stevie beats up on HHH and lets JR get a couple of shots also. JR's next weapon could perhaps be .. a pencil. He can write all over him or even erase him. Chyna runs in but Stevie had everything under control.

HHH makes a challenge for a JR/ Austin vs. HHH/ Chyna match and adds, 'If you've got the balls..' If they don't have the balls, I'm sure they can get some. Basketballs, soccer balls, meatballs, handballs, etc are pretty accessible. Balls Mahoney, on the other hand, may cost a pretty penny.

Billy Butt vs. Crash Holly. Crash vs. Butt. God, if he ever crashed into that butt.. Butt would.. would... have Crash in his butt. He would need the jaws of life to extract him out. Oh, Butt won the match.

Backstage, Cole is with Mankind who is talking about the Rock not being a team player. He says, 'There's no 'I' in 'team'. There's no 'I' in Rock..' Of course not. If there was, you'd have.. Teami and .. Rick or Rocki (which would be the ultimate girl way of spelling Rocky).

raw798.jpg (27880 bytes) Ivory is in the ring. This girl is just silly and we highly approve. I feel like I'm getting my finder's fee's worth. Anyways, she's saying that she gets nightmares about Mae Old and Moolah attacking her and ripping her clothes off. She challenges Mae Old, who accepts, and comes towards the ring. Mae, is that toilet paper wrapped around your neck and in your armpit? Good grief. Hey, PAW, Grandma's been drinking out of the toilet bowl again!! She gone stir crazy!
We bet Mae's got the hots for that spring chicken, Terry Funk.

Mae gets in the ring and is roaring to go. She charges towards... someone. Anyone. Mae's like, 'She's the one with the striped shirt, in't she??'

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Of course, Ivory creams Mae which prompts the knickers-wearing Moolah in to save. (They're pedal pushers!! ..BC)

raw800.jpg (18412 bytes) Backstage, Mankind is pacing about as he waits for the Rock to make it to the arena. He's got his mask perched on the top of his head which looks more like a handle. Aw, it's for easy transportation. I can easily carry a Mankind with me from one place to another with ease and comfort. He's entirely portable. I, myself, fold up for easy storage.
JR assists and calls Rock over the phone and the conversation is played over the speakers.

Multiple Person Sign: O K. Yeah, that's what I say about the Rock telephone conversation.

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raw802.jpg (24165 bytes) Backstage, Terry Rooster is with Bulldog. Bulldog said, 'I don't cur..' Really? You dun't?? Bulldog then walks off screen leaving Terry with his mic arm extended out, 'Come on, I wanna hear more of those funny British words.. say No BLEH.. come on, say 'schedule' and 'zebra!''
Earlier today segment with Dok Hendrix interviewing Stephanie McMahon (with Shane). She says she feels better but she doesn't remember anything short term, not even things that happened the night before. She looked over to Shane and I expected her to say, 'Wait, who are you??!' This brings to mind the I Love Lucy episode with the classic lines, 'Luceh, iz that mah name?? Who am Ah? Where am Ah??' raw803.jpg (24203 bytes)

Mankind is still pacing but Venis and Bulldog rudely interrupt him. By the way, what's with the bandage on the back of Venis' arm? Eh, he cut himself shaving, I suppose.

raw804.jpg (20460 bytes) The refs eventually run in and... one of them brought the toilet seat along with him. Couldn't you leave that in the bathroom? What we have here is Inside the Toilet Bowl-Cam. It's Turd-Cam. We feel like the Tidy Bowl people looking up to the world beyond the big hovering ass ships. (I feel like Toilet Duck... BC) God, I hate it when one of those (toilet ducks) unload from the ass ships.

The refs take Venis and Bulldog away.. and yo guys, are you just going to leave Mankind there?? With the toilet seat? Leave some toilet paper at least. A Massengil?? Well, I suppose that's better than nothing.

Edge and Christian coming through the audience sections. JR says, 'Here comes the brothers..' Where? Ah, he means the BRUTHAS, who are the black dudes in the yellow shirts. JR certainly doesn't mean Christian and Edge. They're the sistahs. Edge, in the mass of bruthas, is like the tiniest smear of cream filling in a huge oreo. raw805.jpg (21850 bytes)
raw806.jpg (29158 bytes) In the ring, Edge took a moment to check out Christian's ass leech. Edge, you ass leech looker. Edge smiles at the view, 'Sistah, that ass leech is looking mighty fine tonight. It's right on.. right on your ass, that is.'

This match is a continuation of the Terry Runnels invitational, by the way. They wrestle the Hard Boys, who are announced as 430 pounds. Okay, sure that's Gangrel's weight but what about the Hard Boys?


Speaking of Gangrel, he must have told Christian about how sweet his beloved, Turnie, was because Christian got a sample. He made a running leap and.. leeched onto Turnie, experiencing the plushness of her filling, the smoothness of her wrapping. Gangrel knows how to pick em. raw807.jpg (28675 bytes)

The Fair Hardy, dropped a leg onto Christian, then turned to the audience and yelled, 'Did you see me??' Yes, I saw you, Tommy. 'Seeeee me....... Feeeeel me.........' (Feel him?? Oooh, sounds like fun... BC)

raw808.jpg (34418 bytes) Mad Phat recognizes the Hard Boys as the ones who break their asses on a fairly regular basis. They're still keeping the faith as the Dark Hard Boy first leaps off the top rope.. and probably gave himself a bigger crack in the ass.
Fair Hard Boy follows suit, perhaps screaming, 'Me too! Me too!!........... ouch. (groans) Ass breakage.'

We now dub thy move the Flying Ass Breaker.

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Meanwhile, Lawler is trying to psyche JR for his upcoming match. Jerry asked him, 'You can't dropkick??' Well, I'm sure he can drop and perhaps kick. For example, I can certainly choke and then slam but I doubt I can chokeslam anything else besides cats, stuffed animals and small babies.

The match ends in a double DQ.

raw810.jpg (25646 bytes) Backstage X is with Kane.There were too many captions to go with this picture so I'll have to list them:
1) 'So, Kaney, how do I look with my hair pulled back... like so.'
2) 'So, Red Dude, how do I look with my armpits shaved??'
3) 'So, Breastmeister, how do I look with my eyelids pulled back??'
4) 'So, Red Hot, can you see how long my nosehairs are??'

Kane, who, of course, loves his little buddy, probably humored him by saying, '..... mmm.... it's okay. You know, I like you no matter how you package yourself. You know I love you for what's inside you. Guts, intestines. I especially like your pancreas.'

True friendship. It's about appreciating the squishy bloody things inside.

Okay.. seriously folks. We got the phallic pops and we're already licking into the 5th one. X tells Kane not to interfere in his match. 'You have to let me do this myself.' 'This' meaning getting yourself beat up? Then mission accomplished, I would say.

The Rock has arrived. As they cut to commercial, they propped up the Kevin Kelly mannequin into the scene aaaand (back from commercial) ... ACTION! raw811.jpg (25858 bytes)

The Rock makes mention of his expensive shirt again, which made us inspect it further. There's glitter on it as well as sheer parts. Hey, some words of advice. All that Glitters is.... just gay. Just complete the look by putting the feather boa on (I know you have one) and walk down the ramp singing Backside Boys' songs (thanks Howard, you're a brilliant albeit silly man).

raw812.jpg (31161 bytes) Mick interrupts the interview since he wants to know where the Rock N' Sock stands. Rock tells him not to point a finger at the Rock. Oh yeah?? Well.. take THAT, snooty.

Vince comes in and tells them they have to wrestle against Venis and Bulldog.

Here comes l'il X. Boing boing. He hands his Energy drink over to Garcia, making sure the logo is facing the camera. The way he models products really puts the game show hostesses to shame. He should have turned to the cameras and said 'Hansen's Energy drink, the sparkling citrus drink. raw813.jpg (24354 bytes)

You know.. everyone needs a 'jump start' from time to time, in the morning, at afternoon break, before sleeping, especially during poinking, or before a challenging activity (which includes poinking). Hansen's energy is carefully formulated with the amino acid Taurine, Ginkgo Biloba, key B Vitamins and other ingredients, which could very well kill you in the long run... or just provide a positive energy boost.

Hansen's energy is a refreshing, great tasting, lightly carbonated citrus flavored drink. Have a stimulating Hansen's energy when you need to be your best. It's the real deal! Suggested use: up to four cans per day. Not recommended for children and persons sensitive to caffeine. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. Shake gently.' Then X would shake himself gently.

What a good sponsor he is. If he keeps this up, all the advertisers will be after him (but they'll have to trample over our horny bodies first). Eventually, we'll see him carry all sponsored products in a huge grocery bag or an old granny wagon.

raw814.jpg (28493 bytes) On with the show. X is in the ring and there's someone in the audience holding up … a toilet seat! It must be toilet seat night. Bring one to the show and get a free bottle of Energy. Hell, those small 8 ounce cans cost $2! I'm sure the resale value of a used toilet seat is about that much.
Here we have an example of what Energy can do to the youth of today. It makes one.. put their foot on a rope and stick their tongue out.  Imagine the horrors Surge can wreak upon the populace. We're talking about legs wrapped overhead, arms twined, nipples outward and spontaneous burping. raw815.jpg (33845 bytes)
raw816.jpg (18736 bytes) By the way, it's X vs. Mr. Coo Simmons, followed by his load, Bradshaw. Backstage, Kaney is watching the match on the monitor, most likely thinking, ' Damn, this station sucks. All they ever show is wrestling. Which channel is Dawson's Crack on? I wanna see Backdraft or Towering Inferno.'
During this match, X eventually found himself in the worst predicament. He was riddled with scrunchy ass.  Meanwhile, Mr. Coo is on one knee, which prompts us to dub thee, 'Sir Coo'. We certainly love that man's voice. raw817.jpg (29827 bytes)
raw818.jpg (27015 bytes) X actually beats Mr. Coo and both Coo and Bradshaw beat on the little guy. Lights out and Bradshaw drops X (like a cold biscuit... BC). Since Kane's entrance takes about 50 minutes to really kick in, Bradshaw decided to waste time by... doing that classic bodybuilder pose.
We call it the 'getting a ham sandwich' pose and to assist Mad Phatties in recollection, here is a picture from a previous Raw report. We swear on stacks of ice pops that this picture was not altered in any way, shape or form. It is a very classic pose performed by many body builders and have assisted them in winning tournaments as well as contracts with Boar's Head, Oscar Mayer, Kraft and Wonder Bread.

Kane is not supposed to interfere, as per X's wishes. This upsets Kane just as much as not getting Dawson's Crack on the TV monitor backstage. Of course Kane runs in and clears the ring. X yells at him since we all know that it wasn't going to be long before X got a hold of the situation. 'I had them in my hands, man!! They were MINE! I was just letting them build up their confidence! I was blocking all their elbows with my face. I was perfectly ALRIGHT!!'

raw819.jpg (23606 bytes) OH! X cleavage! oh........ ooh................ oh.......... mm...
Here we get a view of l'il X if we were sitting cross-legged behind Kane. It's Kane Crotch Cam. Hello. What a meaty leg. It makes me think of that Korean dish, Beef Bok'm Bob. Kane is so …. Big McLarge Huge. (Beef Butt Steak!.. BC)

MST3K is sorely missed, by the way.

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Meanwhile Jerry is still psyching JR up for his match with HHH. 'What are you gonna do?' I bet JR thought, 'I'm gonna need a bigger fan.' Yeah, I think this calls for one of those big square, window ventilation deals.

On Heat, Thrasher revealed on GTV that Marianna was lieing about Chaz abusing her. Hence, we have the Headbangers back together and all is happy with the world, at least in the Mad Phat world.

Mark Henry is with his sex therapist. She says that 'tonight, you'll have to deal with it.' Henry asked, 'Tonight??' She replied, 'tonight..' He asked, 'Tonight??' She said, 'Tonight.' He said, 'Tonight…' She said, 'Two-niiite..'


Chris Jericho and Curtis Hughes vs The Headbangers. Jericho now has a marketable shirt. It's a pretty generic 'Y2J' design. I guess he should now be called Chris Genericho. Just kidding. His character is too silly to be generic. Then again, I may be speaking from in between my legs. Or typing from in between my legs, which I must say, is a strenuous thing to do. D'OH!

Give me a phallic ice pop. We're trying new citrus flavors, you know. Maroon (raspberry), green (lime) and orange flavored. Bostin is worried that we may not like the green flavor but I assure her there's absolutely nothing NOTHING to worry about and sometimes green colored stuff is yummy. Bostin then asks, 'So what flavor do you want?'


During this match, Chris slapped the shirt off Mosh's body. Bostin screams that I need to hit the pause button because she needs to get five more ice pops. (Ever since Mosh took his shirt off some time ago, I was taken... BC) Where were you taken to?? It's cold out and you don't have a jacket. As a matter of fact, he doesn't have a shirt neither so you guys are partially there to naked city. That's a nice town, by the way, depending on which region you go to but…

Curtis ends up hitting Jericho by accident and Chris leaves the match. The Headbangers win.

Backstage, D'lo is speaking with Wight who says his dad is dieing of cancer. Ever heard of that movie 'Bad Taste'?

Rock tells Mankind to pick up the poop from the bulldog pen.

raw821.jpg (27752 bytes) Godfather comes out with a herd of hoes. Mooooo, I say, Moooo. Ho #2 tripped on something. Damn those shoes, huh? She is followed closely by Grandma Ho. Good grief.

Godfather vs. Mark Henry. The therapist figured that if Henry can concentrate on his match and not the girls, he would be cured. You went about it the wrong way. The hoes should have been a mass of hairy, smelly, overweight men in drag. That should have cured Henry. Godfather wins.

Bossman vs. Big Show. Bossy gets some mic time first. His eyes bulge out like he's thinking, 'Oooh, that's the biggest chicken!' or 'OOH, PEEEOPLE!!' Looney Tunes = parental guidance. raw822.jpg (21363 bytes)

Cole says that Show 'is with a heavy heart'. He's with something heavy but it's not his heart. I'd say it's his head. Of course saying his whole SELF is heavy is just a given. Bossman uses the nightstick and gets disqualified. Al Snow runs in only to get hit by the nightstick also.

raw823.jpg (25017 bytes) HHH/ Chyna vs. Austin/ JR. JR gets pounded on immediately but Stevie runs in,  'Here I come to save my buddy.. but give me a few minute to get there, okay?? Be right there..' We understand, it's a pretty long ramp.
Stevie and HHH take the fight into the audience.We catch sight of some odd species' palsied hand creep into camera's view. Is that the right or left hand? I figure the dude put himself in some odd submission move.. like a knuckle lock. We spent about 20 minutes looking at this hand trying to figure it out. We even tried forming our own hand in that pretzel…. (OOOWW, IT HURTS!! IT HURTS!!!… BC) You know, there are entirely too many fingers there. Was this guy holding extra digits in between his own?? And where did he buy those extra fingers?? raw824.jpg (26593 bytes)

We are so confused.

Is it an animal? Hey, if it's an alien hand gesture, I bet Jerry Lynn knows what it means.

raw825.jpg (24796 bytes) Stevie threw HHH towards the audience section and some stupid, moronic, nincompoop of an idiot put his hand around HHH's throat. Correct me if I'm wrong but doesn't that look like he's strangling him? What the hell is wrong with people? You should have been more creative and see how many cracker jacks you can stuff into that nose. Seriously though, we're nearing the millenium and I think there are people out there who still take this stuff to Mark Level 150,000. Wrestling has come SO out of the closet and I know there are people who never found the exit.

Eventually they take their battle behind the closed doors of the backstage area. As soon as the doors closed, they probably let out a sigh of, 'WHOOO! Okay, let's rest up… where's the sparkling spring water and pate'?' Hey if we're going to create an alternate reality, we may as well make it froofy.

The cameras switch to Chyna pummelling JR in the ring. Cole says that Chyna is no normal woman. You mean she's got 6 nipples and 7 vaginas or something??

Jarrett runs in, clocks her with a toaster, throws her in a laundry hamper and wheels her out.

Cut back to Stevie and HHH, all well fed and pampered and .. they take their battle to the beer stand. I don't recall how it happened but Austin wins.

Jarrett wheels the hamper off the loading dock. Later, we see medics helping Chyna. There must have been a ballistic packet of ketchup in that hamper also because she looked like a bloody mess. Sometimes if there's a really small hole in those ketchup packets and you squeeze it gently, the repercussions is beyond messy.

Bulldog enters. Look, it's bad enough you're a jean tucker but you're also a 'socks over Jeans-er'? Ah geez, you're an embarrassment to people who wear clothes, you know.

Oh, Bulldog and Venis vs. Rock and Mankind.

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raw827.jpg (26009 bytes) It looks like Venis needs to consult with his Hair Plug Sensei because he missed two spots. Or is he just growing horns there. Anyways, the texture of the hair in the front section (which will now be considered 'the hair plug section') looks very …pubic-like. Pubicy. Pubicacious. Pubic. I should say that word next time I'm stoned. Pyoooo- bic.

Mankind carries the tray of dog poop to the end of the ramp and leaves it there. I bet that's Big Show's letting. That was from one sitting, you know.

A classic scenario would have been if Rock cooly walked down the ramp, absorbing the fans' cheers of adoration and admiration, cocky as all hell… and then planted his foot into that tray of poop. Talk about cocky. KAH-KEE.

Match commenced and Bostin would like to know who Venis blew to get pushed into the main event. Aw.. come on, now… you know it was Shane. In the least, I bet he had to start with the cleaning crew first.

Venis performs an odd move on Rock. Venis has his foot up and under Rock's chin, while holding the rope like nobody's business. Basically, if he let go of the rope, Venis would just be sitting down on the mat, with his leg and foot up in the air. It would still be an effective move, effective in making us roll around the floor laughing. raw828.jpg (28994 bytes)

Mick eventually chases Venis to the back.. and they probably made a screeching halt at the deli trays. Then Bulldog ends up in the dog poo. I mean, the Wight poo. Good gravy, I hope someone called Roto Rooter.

See if we care...
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