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Ohio St. Univ. Flashback of the Austin/ HHH saga. It's amazing how messed up HHH's face looked after the snake 'bit' him. Of course it's also amazing how the snake managed to get him through the glass pane. It must be one tough slithering string of terror, I tell you. Maybe it's half snake/ half alien since the only way for it to have gotten to HHH was if it spit acid. Am I right? Am I close? Okay, this is what happened. The snake lunged, hit the glass pane, it emitted, 'OOOWWW! in snake language which came out sounding like this: 'ssssssSSSSSSS!!!' The make-up crew then put fake acne on HHH's face, stuffed cotton in his mouth and .. well.. This is silly, isn't it. Clippage of the Rock/ HHH match from No Mercy. Rock's voice-over says, 'The Gray One doesn't care....' He's not really gray, I'd say he's the Cocoa One.
That could be considered very disgusting.
Well, I never wondered. Geesh, don't you guys have anything better to think about? (Yeah, how about the suspension of disbelief. Just go with it... BC) Rock comes out sporting a tapestry shirt. Why don't you just drape a doily over your body, man. JR says, 'The Rock is moving very gingerly.' That's better than moving scallionly, I suppose. At this point, Bostin says to me, 'It's cold in here..' Austin comes in to pour forth his regular spiel and let out his patented exclamation, 'Eh EH!' No, it's not an exclamation of negativity, he was just clearing his throat. Eh EHM!! Hmmmmfff! EEHHHGGGGHH!! That one is emitted if he's got a major green/yellow phlegm glob lodged in the throat. Austin and Rock figured they would take care of business right there and then. Rock takes his shirt off and Austin follows suit by unbuttoning his own shirt (though it would have been more interesting if he was unbuttoning Rock's shirt). Anyways, unbuttoning was as far as Stevie went. Perhaps he's shy. 'Well, it's cold here.. and people will stare.' We understand. Vinnie enters. It's a good thing for Rock that Vinnie showed up when he did because the pants and bra would have been the next things coming off. Lord knows what extremes Stevie would have gone to. He may have gone buck wild and took his hat off. Even worse, he may have undone a shoelace. Vince says to Stone Cold and Rock, 'We've heard your point of view(s) but what we haven't heard is the most IMPORTED point of view.' Of course, we haven't heard it yet! It's still being imported, right?? From Mongolia or something. Customs can be a bitch, you know. The messing up of the luggage contents… those anal probes.
Vinnie says that HHH wants to face them BOTH. That's a pretty impossible task unless Austin and Rock were standing cheek to cheek. Even if they were, HHH's nose would be wedged in between their faces. It would be almost... sexual. Okay, to continue with the show. Something happened. Am I a good reporter or what?
Bubba ruins their little moment by squashing X 'like a pancake,' says JR. JR must be talking about X's crotch.
Just kidding. It's not like it's Jake Robert's nads or something. The Headbangers and Dudleys continue the scuffle. Backstage, the Acolytes are playing cards with Curtis Hughes and Finkel. I'm waiting for Mr. Coo to say, 'Go Fish!' in that coo voice of his. Vinnie is backstage with the Hollys, who want a tag team title shot. Cole backstage interviewing Moolah and Mae who are arguing with each other. First we have to watch them wrestle, now we have to listen to them deliver lines. WWF knows how to hit that nerve. Mae states that Moolah is OLD! 70 years old! Moolah says she's NOT (YEEEAH! That's 70 and a HALF years old! Get it right, will you?). Mae wants a title shot. It's Hell's Grannies. Moolah and Mae attack each other and the refs swarm in to separate the two. Please note that the Serial Hugger, Tony Garea isn't part of the swarm. Normally he's always available to run into a scuffle and get a good hug out of someone, even if it's his own self. This time, he's opted to cower in the bathroom, I bet. Testes is in the arena! Technically, there are many testes in the arena, most of which you never want to be introduced to. Mark Henry is in his 4th sex therapy session. He tells the long, sordid tale of his last few therapists. In the least, this therapist seems to be ... therapying. After Henry finished his story, I was waiting for the therapist to say, 'Oh.. d'ya say something, Mike??' and then, '.. how does that make you feel, Mack?' Anyways, this shrink attacks Henry as well. I guess she was fiending for chocolate. I know how it is, especially during that time of the month.
Godfather vs. Viscera. At this point, I walk out of the room to get some water. (Hey, come back, you might miss something important!! ... BC) I know, I know, like Viscera falling over or something. Mmmmm.. that's good water.
Now I want to hear Mr. Coo bellow, 'UNO!!' during this card game. Hell, he can bark anything out and it'd be entertaining. Hell, he can BARK and we'd be entertained.
Chyna with Mini-Chyna (who is Kitty wearing a Chyna outfit). Shouldn't we cut right to the Look-a-Likes chase and put Kitty in a Gabrielle's costume? We also think that every wrestler should have their own Mini-Me. Bob Holly already has Crash, Chyna now has Mini-Chyna, perhaps Gillberg should come out with Austin.
Jericho states that he loves being in the business, he loves being the best in the business.... and he forgot to mention how much he loves being the shortest person in the business. Heh. Hey, I don't care if he's 4 ft. 10 inches (he gets shorter and shorter in each report, huh?), he helps make those ice pops yummy and melty. Oh hey, speaking of Wrestler Mini-Me, perhaps there can be a mini-Jericho. Actually, he's already the mini-version and Testes would be the big Jericho. Sorry. Hell, I'm short too. I wear platforms. There was some internet mass mail thingy stating how your current personality is a reflection of your past life. It said that if you dress slutty, you were a prostitute in a past life. If you wear platforms, it means you were tall in a past life and you're compensating for the missing height with the shoes. If you wear expensive clothes and accessories, you were rich in a past life. This was very helpful in revealing to me that in my past life, I was a tall, rich prostitute. Hey, as long as I was happy and not narrow-minded. Jericho says, 'You are not a woman. You are a grotesque freak of nature.' Hey, that's not a nice thing to say to Kitty. Of course, Chyna hits him. Bulldog is in the ring and he gave someone in the audience the finger. I certainly hope that he's getting that finger back though. He can't afford to lose any. I certainly hope he didn't give away the thumb. Bulldog vs. Testes. The Posse interferes and beats on Testes. Bulldog drops the trash container on him and perhaps screamed, 'Here! Take this plastic thing!' You may as well have just wrapped him up in aluminum foil or something. Store him in tupperware. The poker game is still on. You'd think they were playing bridge or mah-jong. Hughes is topless at this point and has nothing left to bet. By the way, I'd like to ask why are these men playing strip poker? And why would they play with Bradshaw, Hughes and Finkel? Hell, the likes of X, Jericho, and Kane should be involved in that game. Of course, considering Kane wears a unitard, one bad hand is it for him. He'd be sitting there naked with a mask on. (Way to BEEEE!!!! ... BC) The mask would have to be placed on his little firestarter though because hey, it's family television. Anyways, Hughes bets his bitch, Finkel, and loses. Now the Acolytes have a Finkel bitch. A Fitch. A Binkel. Al Snow finds Mick's book in the garbage can and tells Mick. Poor Mick. Give me a hug.. come on… don't look at me like I'm friggin' Frankenstein, come on. Venis vs. Al. Al starts off the match by sliding into the ring and Venis counters that by sliding OUT of the ring. It's the most common offensive/ defensive move used by non-violent types and some cowards. It's akin to someone ringing a doorbell and then running away. Anyways, they should have just kept doing that throughout the rest of the match.
Lawler is talking about the Terri Invitational Tournament and calls it 'TIT' for short. JR blurts in, 'You can't say TIT on television.' JR is pretty silly. He should have screamed, 'These are the words that you CANNOT say on television. Fuck, cunt, cocksucker, snatch, shit…' (MUTHAFUCKAAAAAHHHH... BC)
Mick then tells Rock that he doesn't want to know him anymore and to grow up. You know what's the worst thing of all?? He never learned to reeead!!! Bossman vs. Big Show who turns out to be a Big No Show because he's in the back where an officer informs him that his father died. The most horrible part of that is, of course, the Big Drool that careened from his Big Mouth. He drooled Big Time. Control! You must learn Drool Control! Get a Big Bib, you. NAO are entering. Dogg throws his water bottle up in the air. To this day, I'm still waiting for that thing to come falling down from the ceiling and clock Billy Butt on the head. Please!! Anyways, Jerry wants to know what Chiznit is. I think they're kinda like Cheezits but.. with more added Chiz flavor! Yeah. As Dogg does his speech, 'It's former (tag team… blah blah (yes, he did say 'blah blah')),' the camera caught someone in the audience mouthing along, 'It's dabba...' I'd hate to hear how distorted the rest of the speech turned out. It's dabba tagga timma chappa WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!!' Anyways, yabba dabba.. doo to you. NAO vs. Acolytes who are accompanied by their bitch, Finkel. By now, the flab of Bradshaw's arm is almost entirely consuming his armband. He's the Blob. I reckon we won't be able to see his pants anymore in about two days. The top rope broke during this match and I'm sure this made them feel very tall. If Jericho was in this match, he would feel like he was a normal height. D'oh. Remember dude, just stand firm and say, 'I'm 3 ft. 10 in. and I'm SOOO proud!' You know Mad Phat will eventually report Jericho to be as short as the Mothra girls. ('Give us back our egg!' ... BC) Hey, that's the thing about Mad Phat that stands out amongst others and that is our ability to have an imagination and carry it stupendously and stupidly far. We're also not afraid to run the limits when it comes to our own lives. Remember, we're the first ones to laugh at ourselves. Who wants to be so uptight in this lifetime, huh? Okay, by the way, did I mention I make soap boxes in my free time? We would like to petition to meet Mr. Coo one day. We shall deem it the 'We Would Like To Meet Mr. Coo One Day Petition'. Money may be wired directly into our accounts. Any information, such as his home address and phone number would help too. This would enable us to go to Mr. Coo's doorsteps and listen to his deep resounding baritone voice say, 'Who the hell are you??' We would of course answer, 'Oh, nobody special. Just your average stalkers.' (... Oh, that sounds familiar... BC) We jest of course. Sadly enough, there may actually be people like that out in this world who feel they have the right to invade anybody's privacy. Hey, I bet if he was caught off guard, his voice would sound like Lenny or Squiggy. Finkel brings in a chair that Billy Butt uses and NAO wins. The Acolytes' bitch is defective. I hope they filled out the warranty information. Make sure you bring your receipt also. Mr. Coo instructs Finkel to get in the ring. 'I'm gonna have Bradshaw eat you.' Good God, the horror of the Blobolyte! They gave Fink an atomic wedgie and yell at him backstage. Brad screams, 'You ever see Deliverance??' (Oh God, they're going to rape him??... BC) Yes.
Ah, I know, I know. It's for the convenience of unzipping oneself and literally stepping out of yourself. Also it's generous if he took his skin off and lent it to his brother for those long hard winters. Edge and Christian come in and HEY, they're breaking in new shoes also. All that hard work at No Mercy put a pretty little bonus in their pockets. They must have went out and bought new shoes, twix bars, a new ass leech, new asses.. but no hair conditioner.
Edge says, 'We worked our asses off.' I noticed. Technically Edge worked his ass off a long time ago since I never saw an ass on him ever since his television debut. After they shake hands, Terri and Gangrel come out. We don't really question why they're together, we just question why Gangrel hadn't eaten her with some fava beans yet. Gangrel says that they deserve a big congratulations. I agree and I will contribute. CONGRATULATIONS!Let me know if you need anything else, okay? Hot dog on a stick, a gift certificate to a Jenny Craig weight loss program, bigger features for your face. Just let me know. Gangrel states that he was with Terri while the four guys were healing their wounds. This prompts them to beat up on him. Bostin is just elated that Gangrel is being beat up. That calls for another big CONGRATULATIONS!GTV segment shows Bossman laughing with the copper that told Show about his dad. Apparently it was a lie about the Big Daddy dieing. You know, if Show was a good actor, maybe it would be worth seeing this storyline but.. 10 Meryl Streeps, he ain't. Physically, yes. Acting-wise, no.
Then he would scream in his little pisqueak voice, 'I'm on top of the WOOO…' which would prompt Bob Holly to holler, 'SHADDUP!!!!'
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