By Chokee Slam

Providence, RI

Backstage NAO tells Vinnie in his 'überwrestler' voice that they want a tag title shot. The recipe to create überwrestler voice is a large sandwich bag of ganja, half a gallon of ice cream in milk shake, quadruple cheese on pizza, 50 pirogis. That's just the starter, you know.

HHH comes in expressing his anger at having to wrestle Mankind later on in this show. To make this scene all the more dramatic and convincing, he had his script with him and read right off it so that he wouldn't flub. He read, 'Why ... don't... you ... do ... this..' What a professional he is. A professional script reader, that is.

Well, he may not have the thespian talents of a Mankind but .. boy, can he read.

Godfather is backstage. 'Where them hoes at,' he asks. With the other gardening tools, silly. Actually they were sprawled all over Mark Henry. They must have just tripped and landed all over him because what non-clumsy person would voluntarily drape themselves on him?

Am I right? Am I close?

Illustrated signage. There's Austin and ... Jimmy Snuka?? It says 'Smell'. Aw, that's not a nice thing to say about Snuka. Okay, we know it's the Rock but with the mass production of Rock signs out there, I'd much rather see an illustrated sign of Nell Carter or Greg Brady at this point.

Godfather/ Mark Henry vs. Mideon/ Viscera. Uh.. Yo Hoe (and a bottle of rum!), I don't think they finished making your outfit.  You're missing a sleeve and your butt isn't covered. I don't think anyone told her.

The quality of hoes have gone way down. They can't even have their own hair. Check out Ms. Wigged Ho. Damn, it looks freaky fake. She looks like a skanky stepford wife... a fem-bot on recall. Oh, we get a double whammy for commentary in this one shot. In the background, there's signage that says 'JERRICHO'. Someone is showing their support for.. Jerri Cho. Y'all know who she is. Margaret Cho's sister.

Godfather says, 'Let's roll a fattie.' Well alright then. Just grab one of your chubby hoes and .. roll her on the mat, I guess. Give it a try, we'll see what happens. Eventually, two of the most chronic fatties arrived in the form of Viscera and Mideon, who made their way out to the ramp.

Viscera gets the mic this time. He's certainly no Mr. Coo. He's more like Mr. Albert. Fat Albert. Hey Hey Hey. I guess we shall now dub Viscera 'Fishera' now because as he replenishes his lipstick, he looks like some exotic deep sea fish.

This becomes a 'Winner Takes Hoes' match. For an extra bonus, additional prizes include the garden pick, the weed whacker and a tractor. Consolation prizes are a few shovels.

Lawler comments on the hoe in the red dress. I figured with all his experience in woman-oggling, he'd be able to tell that this chick... is a MAN! She tripped and fell horribly under bad light. Her belly has floppethed over and the chick behind her is about to do her an injustice by shoving her head up her ass. Injustice to some, pleasure to others.

Anyways, Ms. Red's body shape is very similar to.. Henrietta, the demon from Evil Dead Part 2: Dead by Dawn. There aren't as many skin flaps and warts but I'd say it's a dead ringer. Dead... get it?? Forget you.

The stipulation of this match is if Viscera wins, Henry can do whatever he'd like with the hoes. Of course Henry blows the match for Godfather by yanking on his cornrows. Two faithful hoes remain in the ring but Viscera squashes them. Call in the paramedics!! WWF must = equal opportunity employers for they actually hired Siamese Twin EMTs who are connected by the head! See, it is absolutely possible for Siamese twins to carry on normal every day lives.

The Hollys enter. They should be renamed Bob Holly and Creepy Little Clone Guy. Like Stan from South Park, he's like the clone experiments that go horribly wrong.

They go against Edge and Christian. Edge opts to float towards the ring this time which is a more unique entrance than going through the crowds. Let's just hope that he didn't float in on an air biscuit.

Backstage, the Hard Boys watch the monitor as the match is in progress. Here they exhibit three of the most popular L'Oreal shades of hair color. Dark Hard Boy is of course Ebony, Terri is Ash Blond and Fair Hard Boy is .. Firey Sunset. He's so special.

During this match, Too Cool run in to interfere and beat up on Edge and Christian. Hey, WWF, you should put some warning signs on the screen: 'Throwing wrestlers who haven't been around for 6 months into recent storylines may cause confusion.' That wasn't very nice.

Seriously, though Christopher and Taylor were out of action, they still hovered about in the newsboards and got honorable mentions from time to time. It was good to see them back since they were always pretty damn goofy and, in the least, wasn't afraid to work a homosexual angle.

The Hard Boys then run in to assist. Hey, Brian Christopher can be the mini version of Bulldog. Hey Lawler, are you sure he's yours?

Cole interviews Moolah and Mae in the ring. Okay, who put two moist, thick slugs on Moolah's face?? They left slime trails too. Perhaps it's a new leech species. The Eyebrowus Leechus.

Moolah says she wants to retire and return the belt to the Fed but Ivory comes in and we have an impromptu match. In spite of Mae's valiant attempt to save Moolah, Ivory won. Don't you worry, Mae girl, I'm sure you WOULD have gotten in there if you managed to pry your fingers off the top rope. That damn rigor mortis started setting in again, huh?

Sorry. I already know I'm going to hell.

Backstage Prince Albert is telling Big Show that he is NOT Bossman. Well, that's pretty obvious. Here are the comparisons. Boss Man shaves, Prince Albert just shaves from the neck up. Boss Man carries lunchables in cargo vest pockets, Prince Albert carries lunchable droppings in body hair. Boss Man has Marvin the Martian shaped head, Prince Albert has Tweety shaped head. Boss Man eats house pets. Prince Albert is a Chia Pet.

Big Show vs. Prince Albert. This match doesn't even get hot and heavy before Bossman rolls out Steve Blackman's head. Oh wait... okay, I was wrong, my bad. It's an anvil. Well, same thing really. Blackman's from Anvil, PA, you know. For all I know, Bossy is rolling out Blackman's hometown. Television can be deceiving.

Bossy has Big Daddy's stopwatch (my notes read 'CLOCK'. It seems that exaggerating just comes natural to me). Anyways, Bossy hammers the watch to pieces on Steve Blackman's head. Sorry, sorry, the anvil. The lighting is dark.

By the way, couldn't you guys get a watch that didn't look so new? Spit on it or something.

Show then gets hit on the head with the hammer and he fell over the ramp. He go boom. He ended up in that typical 'chalk-outline' position. By the way, if someone hung himself, how is a chalk outline drawn for that? What if the carcass had half its body on a coffee table and the other half on the floor?

Cole is backstage with Jericho, who says he will expose Chyna. If she was any more exposed, she'd just be walking around naked in a spread-eagled position. Uhm, come to think of it, we'd like to ask that Jericho expose himself. Come on, I'll even settle for a toe. Ooh, check out Chris' two nipple-sized zits. In the least, they're not blimples. Those are just monstrous and crippling.

Backstage, the medics are tending to Show but he refuses their help. He'd much rather walk out to the streets in his panties to look for Boss Man. Hey, can someone please put a skirt or a sail on him or something? It's cold out and I think people will get offended.

Chyna/ D'lo vs. Jericho and a partner of his choice. He chooses a 'lady' from the audience who is actually Stevie Richards in drag. Dude makes an ugly lady. Men who wear old lady hoses (I know there are many of you out there) just doesn't appeal either. In the least, Stevie's the only person excited about wearing lady hoses. Might I suggest thicker opaques, next time? I was able to see that he forgot to shave.

Chyna gets the win and the annoyed Jericho puts the lion tamer on Stevie. The ref tries to bring order to the galaxy but I'm sure all he got for his efforts was Chris yelling to him, 'Back off Kewpie!' YEEAH!!

Mankind vs. HHH. With the underlighting, HHH's boobs look like those cartoon horror eyes. Please turn on the lights. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Lawler states that HHH was the founder of DH?? Degeneration ... Hex, right?

Stone Cold Steven is watching in the back. He's in his usual Hey-DEBRA-get-me-some-beer-and-a-jerky-pot-pie position. By the way, where has Debra been lately? We jest when we say that Stevie ate her but.. uh.. there's a big possibility that it may be true. Say, if Stevie changes his gimmick and starts carrying a head around with him…. we'll know for sure.

Venis runs in to interfere in this match by hitting Mick with the chair. Al Snow makes the save. Ooh, you bad guys are in trouble now. Al takes a hold of Mick's hand and is going to… going to… skip?? 'A tisket, a tasket, I lost my little basket.' Hell, me and Bostin would have done the same thing. Actually we did do that recently.

As we were walking in Sixx Flagg's park, my hand accidentally brushed against hers. We immediately turned to look at each other, grabbed hands and broke into an impromptu skip. Needless to say, we were the only ones laughing while all the little kiddies looked at us as if our heads just rolled off our shoulders.

Hey, who ever said we did things to amuse anyone else but ourselves?? If anyone wants to come along for the ride, more power to us all.

Anyways, mystery fuels passion in relationships so I won't tell anyone what happened after they held hands.

Backstage, Austin is pacing. WOW, how many pieces of luggage and fanny packs does he carry with him? He's probably got one suitcase for all his beer, another for the snacks (Little Debbie's, Entenmanns) and another for a toaster oven, microwave and a dinner setting. The fanny pack holds his napkins and condiments, I guess. The largest suitcase would store Debra's body parts. Wheeeere has she been??

Testes and Shane are discussing Testes' match with Bulldog. They're all standing with their profiles to the camera. They look like an Abba video. Was it Dancing Queen (which probably would have been a better character name for Shawn Michaels. WHOOPS. Hello, Shawn! Where the hell have YOU been?? We miss you and your flouncing self!). Suddenly a microphone reached its peak and erected! Hell, I shouldn't joke, that mic probably provides more fun than most men would.

Whoops again.

Dok Hendrix interviews Stephanie. We've been so heavily influenced by Austin Powers because that mic looks like it's Testes' extension. It's big, black and foamy! Once you go black, you never go back. Once you go foam, you never leave home. Heh.

Anyways, Steph says that she's starting to remember some wonderful things. Hell, I bet she doesn't remember anything. What happened was Testes whipped his thang out and she screamed, 'Oh DAMN! I REMEMBER! I REMEMBER!!' Forgetting that thing is like forgetting the Eiffel Tower.

Kevin Kelly interviews Kane and X. Kane tells X not to interfere in his match against Bubba but (You wrote Bubba Butt.... BC) the Dudleys run in and attack them both. There we see X getting beat up and not interfering. He's such a good friend. Bubba takes Kane's cancer kazoo (or roll on) and taunts Kane by holding it up to his face. I mean, his mask. 'Here! I'm taking this roll-on! You're not gonna be SURE and you're gonna smell and there's nothing you can do about it!!' Nothing except go out and buy another stick, of course.

Kane vs. Bubba. The match seems to start off amicably. They decide it's better to tango than to fight, I think. Who dips who? That sounds very sexual. Anyways, let's wrestle, fellas! This ain't no West Side Story.

This match was so strenuous that Kane got pillow head as a result. Thankfully, it's not a beehive hair-do. My grandma used to keep one of those things but she always slept on her side. As a result, she'd wake up with a lopsided beehive and birds nesting in there by morning.

Backstage, X watched the match on the monitor and .. yanked quickly and nervously on his zipper. Apparently there's more to Kane and X's relationship than meets the eye. For their sakes, I hope that they aren't the size of a zipper. That could really ruin a relationship. Just ask Bostin. WHOA!!! (You should know... BC) (Unfortunately, I do. Word of advice for everyone. Don't try Japanese and Jewish. WHOAA!!)

Dudleys get DQ'd so they continue to beat on Kane. This prompts X to get into superhero mode as he runs in as Action Man. Or Action-Pac. He valiantly and heroically runs past the letter P before making his ultimate save. One thing he forgot though was to bring along a comb for Kane's bedhead.

Kelly interviews Bulldog. Bulldog asks, 'You know what's funny?' Aw, that's easy. Your coconut head, your accent, your fringed Bon Jovi wrestling outfit, your orange skin, your vacant look, your chipmunk cheeks, you saying, 'NO BLEH!!', you flashdancing, your buckethead, you .. you .. you..

By the way, just off the cuff (because I'm listening to Metallica right now). Why is it 'Whiskey in the jar-O'? I speculate that the whiskey doesn't fit in a Cup-O.

Cage match with Testes vs. Bulldog. This was a spectacular match as Testes leapt from the top of the cage onto Bulldog. An impact like that is powerful enough to pop every single zit on Testes' AND Bulldog's body. I bet it even popped the two little zits on Jericho's forehead. (I have a sick vision of Jericho in the locker rooms and his zits just popping without provocation).

The Posse interferes. It must be Super Hero Night because here comes SuperShane to make the save. That boy can not only rival X-Pac's speed, but he can climb like Spiderman. It's Shanerman!

We have to hand it to the dude. If it was myself or Bostin trying to climb a cage, we'd get as far as lifting one foot up off the floor. We'd also have retarded difficulties in trying to get a strong foothold.  Eventually, we'd opt to give each other boosts (probably at the same time) and I would find myself standing on Bostin's shoulder with one foot on her head and a few toes in her ear. The Mad Phat totem pole.

Rodney's hair is so over-bleached these days. Ever heard of a silicone treatment? His hair looks like Kid n' Play. It's so Vanilla Ice. You are Liquid Sky.

When some order is returned, Steph runs in to hug and help her brother, who is clutching onto his stomach. See, you shouldn't have had those enchiladas or chimichangas.

What are chimichangas? (When I lived in New Mexico, we used to call them Chilichunkups. They went great with soapy pillows (sopapillas)...BC)

NAO are backstage and HHH comes out of ... the closet!?? Congratulations boy! I mean girl! So glad you decided to be open about your sexuality. You should have done it right though. You fly out of that closet with a boa and stiletto spikes on and SING like Streisand.

Acolytes are hanging outside a bar.Check out the butt quantity between the two! They're the Assolytes. There really isn't anything 'lyte' about those asses, though. It's Farass and Bradshass. Or Assooq and Asshaw.

Anyways, they go in the bar and two dudes want to start a little trouble with them. One of them kept commenting about Bradshaw's 'darkie' friend. You stupid hicks. You pronounce it 'DORKIE', not 'DARKIE'. This leads to a bar room fight which brings a sense of deja-vu to Bostin and I.

Bradshaw yanks down the light fixture that was over the pool table with authority! Now, in our Mad Phat bar fight, we didn't really yank the light down. It was more like.. our heads HIT the light and WE went down.

Austin and Rock are shown on a split screen and both are pacing. You know, Stevie is really pushing maximum density. I think it's almost entirely confirmed now. Austin ate Debra.

Well.. I mean.. ingested..

Never mind. Perverts.

NAO vs. Austin/ Rock. During NAO's speech, Butt decided to poot. Judging by the expression on his face, I bet he let out a few that sounded like this. Those tight ones are a bitch. The toilet ducks, on the other hand, are just hilarious. Equally as funny are the ones that start off with a big bang but eventually taper off to a light whiff of air. For a sound sample, click on this. Please note that these are the actual sounds and not a simulation. I mean actual sounds of a mouth imitating farts, that is. By the way, mouth poots are not as easy as they seem. Here is an example of Bostin's dire attempts at a perfect mouth poot. Click here.

Butt is still pooting which even angers Dogg. Some audience member back there is about to call the Department of Health.

By the way, last time Austin was on the Howard Stern show, he said he gained 12 lbs. Of course that interview was a month ago and I'm sure he gained an additional 150 pounds since then. Austin wasn't in the ring for too long before he had to tag out. He stood in his corner and may have said, 'OOH! I'm winded!! Boy, I don't think I'm ever going to do that again!'

Eventually Rock smells what Butt was pooting so he figured he'd let one out himself. Hey, sometimes two negatives make a positive. In this case, it makes a positively foul odor. Rock's got the stance down pat though to ensure full maximum release of pooty gas. Notice the leg is lifted and the ass is jutting out.

Signage: 'Austin Fears Misawa'. Is Misawa a diet pill? Before anyone emails me, yes, I know it's some Japanese dude. He lives somewhere in Japan. See, I know my wrestling stuff.

At one point, Stevie bent over to reveal that he still hasn't tanned his inner thigh region. They're his rear blinkers, and I reckon he's going to back up. He'd better sound the horn because that's a wide load and he could really hurt someone.

HHH runs in and so does X-Pac. They beat on Stevie and Rock and well whattaya know. DX is back together. We may not know why but it got the crowds roaring. I suppose that's mission accomplished. Actually it reminds me of how wrestling storylines used to go where people turned good or bad at the drop of a hat. As long as they keep the silliness going, I reckon they'll be fine. Whatever you do though, do NOT bring Randy Savage into the league or EVERYONE will stop watching. This is a sure-fire prediction. I know.. I asked my psychic friend.

She said, 'Hello friend. If Randy Savage comes, everyone will stop watching.'

See. She's as reliable as newsboard reporters. HEED her words.

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