Flashback of DX blathering. Dogg says to Rock, 'I'll put you flat on your back.. then uno, dose, trace..' Hey white boy, can you say 'Jose' and 'Jorge' for me? At least he got 'uno' right. After uno, I suppose he wants a dose of salt, and then a trace of pepper. Then he could use 'Ray, a drop of golden sun, Me, a name I call myself.... FAH, a LONGER WAY TO RUN!!'
Remember, world, Julie Andrews is EEEVIL!
We get a recap of Smackdown when DX stuffed Rock into the car trunk and drove off. Of course Rock returned at the end of the show looking mighty pissed. Hell, I'd be pissed too if I had to take a gypsy cab and public transportation to get back to the arena. The discomfort, the smelly armpits
Actually I'm not sorry. If people can't take it, they shouldn't be reading this site. They should be going to the doctor to take that long stick out of their ass.
Rock is talking about his opponents for Survivor Series. 'HHH, the Game. Steve Austin, the rattlesnake..' and don't forget Jamiroquai's brother, Jimigula. Remember both those names .... because it will mean absolutely nothing in the future so you may as well .. read them now.
Anyways, Rock says that he will take HHH's little game. Rocky, Rocky, you know it's not very nice to take things that don't belong to you. You wouldn't like some sweaty dude taking your play thing, like your wife. I wonder what kind of little game HHH has. If it's those intelligence games (you know the 'perfection' type things where you try to cram a triangle shaped peg into a star shaped hole) (hey... BC), then I guess it's alright to take it. HHH could never figure those things out anyways.
Rock says someone's been a blemish on his buttock and his name is ... I'll take a wild guess and say that his name is Mr. Blemish. Buttock Blemish (hey, since the new 007 movie is coming out, I figure I'd go along with the hype).
May I suggest some concealer or a shingles scraper for that blemish? Oh, the blemish he refers to is Road Dogg, who comes out and we have a match already. They take the trading of fists to the 'staging area'. That's where they stage stuff, you know.
We smart. We on the ball, you know.
DX then attacks Rock which brings Vinnie into the picture. Vinnie doesn't want a DX night so he starts setting up matches in which DX members will be seen on telly throughout the night. Correct me if I'm wrong but if Vinnie doesn't want a DX night, then why would he........
Oh, someone better tell the big red dude to hide all his red hots because when X rolls a joint the size of a cigar, those candies will be so snatched right out of Kane's little pockets. By the way, Kane has to have pockets somewhere on his outfit. Where does he keep his change?
Backstage, some dude is taping up Big Show's foot. We are ..... how can I say this delicately? HORRIFIED. I frew up. Have mercy. Hey Mr. Foot Wrapping Person, keep wrapping him and don't stop at the ankle, okay? Give him the full mummy treatment which includes the complimentary and soothing poison and preservatives.
On the previous Smackdown, Big Toe dropped a dumpster onto Bossy and Princey's car. Now according to the wrestler handbook, if someone does something bad to you, you must REVENGE! Actually the ultimate revenge would have been if Show shoved his big ugly foot in their faces and wiggled the hell out of them toes. SMELL IT! SMEEEELLL IT!!!!
Bossy and Princey get their revenge by throwing a stink bomb into the room. Everyone clears out but Show.
Eventually the medics help Show who is coughing out his lung. See Doofus, smoking is bad for you. Looking at your feet was bad for us.
8 man tag match with Edge, Christian and Hard Boys vs. Too Cool and Hollys.
Edge yells at someone in the audience. I so goo, I completely made out what he said! After years of experience, this is getting easier to me. He said, 'Adda badda gaaah majabba rah!' Listen, I never said I could make out anything audible. Why should I have to know what it means?
I jest I jest. They are both one of the best wrestlers today (I can't believe you wrote that! ... BC). (I can make a flubbery.) Superstars in the making.
The Hollys come to the ring. We're pretty positive that Crash has that belt hooked on the first notch. Hell, they probably had to plug in a few extra notches so that thing would fit him. He should have settled for one of those K-mart belts with the wrangler buckles. It's not as big but ... for the likes of Crash, it'll do.
Bob Holly, who weighs far more than any of his tag partners may need to rename his team to Bob and the PIPSqueaks. Don't forget to work the fancy footwork when you doo-wap, okay? Use the scale as a prop if you need to. Hell, if anyone remembers Solid Gold, they used anything, including the other dancers' bodies, as a prop. They would throw and fling them around also.
By the way, how did the Dark Hard Boy get stuck with so many blondes. Yo, there's too much cream in that Oreo! Mm, cream. (It's like someone took the top off the Doublestuf!... BC)
JR reports that Big Toe was taken to the hospital. No, I think they took a look at his feet and took him to the nearest salon for a pedicure. Then they went to the slaughterhouse and shot him in the back.
Back to the match. Scott Taylor keeps doing this 'chop towards the left, chops towards the right' move before delivering an actual wrestling move. I bet Bob Holly even looked and him and yelled, 'Listen I'M going to kick your ass if you don't stop doing that!'
Backstage Cole is with Gilligan-Pac. Nice hat, X. Tori then comes in to reprimand X about his actions towards Kane. She said, 'How could you.' X calls her on it and says, 'You have the hots for him?' Tori replies, 'How could you.'
I reckon the writers told her, 'Your lines are, 'How could you.' After that, just wing it, okay?' Now if Tori took her melodramatic thespian drug, she would have been on a roll and the disastrous result would be this: 'HOW COULD YOU??!! YOU??! Could??! How? Couldhowyou?!! YOUCOULDHOW!!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY!!' Then she'd go screaming off into the night, I guess.
X tells her that Kane's winky was also fried in the fire. Hey, toasted nuts are indeed yummy. OH!!
In the locker room, Mankind is signing a bunch of his books while Al reads the sections where Mick goofs on him. Mick signs, 'To Mideon, for God's sake, wear a shirt.' Not just a shirt is he in need of, but a full force atomic moo moo. He reeeeeally needs to be covered up from head to toe and air sealed.
Bossman and Albert come out to the ring. Bossy says to Al, 'You must think it's really funny that you set us up at O'Smackdown' for Show to drop the dumpster on their car. O'Smackdown, huh? When did we switch to Irish programming? So on Mondays, it's the McRaw show, right?
Bossy/ Albert vs Al/ Mankind. Silly Al called Prince ChiaBack, Fuzzy Wuzzy. Anyways, they all go at it and I imagine Mankind must have yelled, 'Hey, why do I wrestle Fuzzy Wuzzy? I mean, there are things breeding in his body forest. I think the Blair Witch is in there.'
Venis burns the books and Mick grabs the fire extinguisher and runs towards the back to put it out. Poor guy.
Chyna comes out with Kitty. Lawler, of course, drools over Kitty. Come on Jerry, don't act like you're not getting that after the show.
Now that Kitty is with Chyna, she should be renamed Hong Kong. Or Taiwan.
Chyna talks about Jericho crying because she is more muscular and taller than him. Don't forget that your boobs are bigger and has something that his doesn't; silicone. Don't forget that!! I haven't seen Chyna's nipples either so I can't make that comparison at this time.
Chyna vs. Stevie Richards as Chris Jericho. Stevie doesn't quite make the cut. His legs are entirely too skinny, he doesn't have the panty lines and .. uh.. the ice pop melting level is at a low-grade. In the least, he is very silly and that is always a good thing. Chyna wins the match and THE Jericho does a quick run-by and decks her. Ooh, he's got his shiny clothes on. I reckon the caterers brought in the gourmet deli trays this evening. Chris can wrap the food up in his pants and mangia in the hotel.
Hey Mr. Jericho, may I Armour-All your pants? Hell, I just want a reason to knead him. Anyways, when he attacked Chyna, he may have screamed, 'I AM NOT SHORT!'
By the way, I'd like to tell WWF that a Jericho run-by does not suffice for our ice-pop consumption. The approximate time to savor an ice pop during Jericho moments could run to a full three minutes. Now if he's just making an appearance for 3 seconds, we end up having to SHOVE that damn pop into oral orifice and ..well.. that kinda hurts, you know. They're cold. They're hard.
By the way, we would also like to see him more often without his shirt on, okay? I don't have pirated cable to see him do a run-by without revealing nipples and abs.
Just kidding on the pirated cable, fellas. I am probably one of the ten people on this Earth who actually pays for cable. Okay, twelve people.
By the way again, an amusing storyline for Jericho is if he confronts Kane. Jericho's character is about pomposity camouflaging the fact that he rarely wins. It reminds me of those brats in school who always picked fights with guys who were way bigger than them and would get beat up every single time but would always go back for more. As pathetic as it sounds, Jericho's perseverance and Kane's indifference in that situation can be considered endearing qualities. Jericho's character can pretty much rag on ANYONE (very much like Mad Phat in which no one is safe), so in spite of Kane's towering height, this could add up to some entertaining results.
Besides, I'd like to see Jericho try to throw himself against Kane at least once. I'd like to see Jericho go up to Kane on a pair of stilts. Think about it. It has potential. I can see it now, in bright whirley lights, people are screaming, cheering, girls are fainting. It's a seller.
Where was I?
Stone Cold Steven enters the ring. He comments about Rock wanting to stick a rattlesnake up his butt and Stevie retaliates with 'Eh EH!' Yeah, you tell him. Set it straight! Tell him you'd prefer having other things going up your butt. For crying out loud, rattlesnakes bite. Suggest something a little more docile .. like.. ice cream sticks.
We are again reminded that Steve's hand is mighty HUGE. His big thumb could probably take out the whole upper section of the arena. Wow, how difficult is it for him to suck on that thing?
Austin vs. Bully Bitt.
My ass wanted to be rebellious though and partook in pillow settlement more than once! I guess she would never forgive me for that but you have to live and learn. My ass is just fine, by the way. This only confirmed what I always suspected. My mother is loopy.
Good thing I didn't listen to her when she told me that if I walked with my hands in my hip pockets, I would fall down and never EEEVER be able to get back up.
Boy, I showed her. I lifted myself off the ground using my elbows and my nose. (Does she know my one-toothed grandmother?? She used to tell me that if I cross my eyes then got hit in the back of my head, it would stay that way.... BC)
Oh, back to the match. You know I often ask myself why people write a play by play re-cap on these shows when it's obvious that everyone on this Earth watched the show.
Stevie delivers his finishing move and JR screams, 'THE STUNNER, THE STUNNER! THE STONE COLD STUNNER!' which prompts me to chant right along. JR said it in a beat similar to a familiar little ditty that goes like this: 'YOU UGLY, YOU UGLY, YOUR MOMMA SAYS YOU UGLY!' It doesn't take long before Bostin is chanting along. We wonder often what's wrong with us.
Anyways DX interferes in the match and it becomes a mess and then it's beer time!
Testes vs Venis with Stephanie as guest commentator. Hey, Steph, some advice. You can't cut it as commentator. Just stick to what you know. Shopping, nail polish, your BMW and your poor, rich drunk mother in the Caribbean
Whoa. Breakfast Club was one of our favorite movies and lines from that movie linger in my skull and I just blurt them out once in a while. It's like Breakfast Club Tourettes Syndrome.
Stupid, worthless, no good goddamn free-loadin' son of a bitch. (I know him... BC)
Anyways, a commentator Steph isn't. I swear, if she said any more than 5 words, our ears would have been so chewed off. 5 words! That was a geiser. I mean, whoa daddy. Hold her back. (Now you got Fargo Tourettes... BC) (Go Bears.)
She says that she got her full memory back and she cheers for Testes by screaming, 'Yeah baby!' Come on, give a little more support. You should have yelled, 'HIT HIM!! WRESTLE!! WRESTLE LIKE YOU'VE NEVER WRESTLED BEFORE! WRESTLE LIKE WE DO IN BED! MOONSAULT ONTO HIM FROM THE DRESSER!!' Ah, life as a wrestler girlfriend, huh?
Mick soon runs in to exact revenge on Venis and they exit stage left Steph gets in the ring and says to Testes, 'If you love something.. set it free..' Okay, maybe she said 'someONE'. So, basically she said to him, 'Hit the road, I'm cutting you loose, rabbit boy.'
She then contradicts her last statement by proposing to Testes. Perhaps she just always wanted to quote a Sting song on live television. I think a better choice would have been a song from the Police era. Yeah, she should have grabbed the mic and said, 'Testes, a doo doo doo.. a da da da... that's all I want to say to you.' If he stays with you after that, you got him hooked girl.
X annoys Kane by saying, 'Who is that slut that's got a crush on you??' Kane looked at him like, 'Whoa, someone's got a crush on me?? Uh... TIME OUT! I gotta go to the back. Give me THREE MINUTES! I'll be done by then.' Then we'd see this big red blur across the screen. Hey Kaney, don't rush too fast because if you crash into Tori's torpedo boobs, you'll be impaled. Also, you being a hottie and all, it might cause the worst explosion known to man. Worse than those explosive toilet ducks!
X then tells Kane that he told her about his crispy critter. Kane's reaction? 'You didn't tell her about my little red machine, did you? God, that was just beyond cruel. I'll remember that, my fine crotch-stuffing friend.'
DX runs in to overpower Kane and X gives him the face rape move. Well, it's not as if X NEVER did that move on him during intimate moments of their friendship. I have to say that good friends tend to do weird things together such as jumping on a trampoline tied together by the ankles or doing somersaults and tumbles at 1:00 in the morning at the local park. Being such close buds, it may be very common practice to stick a finger up your friend's butt.. for kicks or not. Seriously, what are friends for??
Now I suppose depending on the friction between friends, it fuels a certain type of passion that can escalate a 'sit-on-my-face' moment. Here X is more excited than usual when delivering the face rape move. I bet he's screaming, 'I'm BIG!! I have never been this BIG before!! I'm a full TWO inches now!!!'
WHOO HOO!! That deserves a wave. WHOO!!
Oh, a vignette for Kurt Angle, soon to be prime time wrestler. Just change the caption to say, 'Kurt Angle, the most bloated and boring new wrestler'.
Backstage Vince and Shane are arguing with DX when Kane attacks. Hey who told him he could break up the party. Just because he was friends with ONE guy from DX, he thinks that he has free reign to barge into their fun? Anyways eventually Vinnie says that HHH has to wrestle Shane.
Dudleys vs. Headbangers. We heard someone in the audience scream, 'MOOOOOOOOSH!!!' in a lung-puking, high pitched squeal. (Who's screaming?.. BC) That was Screaming Ref Kiota, screaming from the backstage area. He's sitting on the can and he's bellowing, 'MOOOOOSH! YOU USED UP ALL THE TOILET PAPER!!' Oh, that's just wrong. For God's sake, REPLACE THE ROLL!!!
The Headbangers win and the Pisse run in to attack. Pisse: when typos become new jokes.
Backstage, Austin paces and drinks. He must be drunk by now. (No way, I think that's only his 27th beer... BC) Then he's gonna need another 100 before he gets a little buzz.
Shane vs. HHH. Vince is the guest ring announcer. Stevie does commentary. Kane is the special guy who stands at the corner of the ring and gets a close view of everything (I wonder how much he paid for THAT great seat!). Rock is the time keeper.
Stevie comments on something and I think I heard him talking about a bucket of chicken (?). Listen, you just ate Debra and you're still talking about food? Also, being a rattlesnake, you don't need to feed for another 6 months.
Shane runs in like a bullet and the match is ready to go. It's good to go. Really. Cleans out the system.
X and Road Dogg try to interfere but are promptly taken care of by Kane and Rock. This gives them the early kickstart to get to the local diner to grab some grub and for X to smoke extra weed.
Eventually Vinnie tries to sneak in with the belt to hit HHH but clocks his son instead.
Like any man who makes a fatal error, the only thing he can do is say, 'Whoops.' That was noble.
This is Chokee with ice pop in hand still waiting to see more Jericho footage. I'm waiting. Don't make me hold my breath now. You wouldn't like it when I'm holding my breath.