By Chokee Slam

Penn State, PA

That place sounds like a prison... for pigs. Dunno why.

Stone Cold Steven gets to the ring and in spite of the expanding jelly roll, he managed to heft himself up on each turnbuckle. I bet he grunted and oof-ed and uuugh-ed each time he hefted. To put more strain on his aching, bloated self, he kept talking and walking around the ring. Steve, take it easy, we don't want you to pop an aorta.

Signage: Jerichoholics? Real Men Drink Beer. It's always questionable how real some men are but regardless, you go ahead and drink your beer. We'll be happy to drink Jericho in a huge martini glass the size of a whirlpool bath. We'll make sure he's naked. I don't care if he farts and makes it a makeshift jacuzzi. There are certain things that horniness will allow you to live with.

Signage again: I Want Puntang Pie. Okay. So this person wants his pie filled with double meanings.. and Tang.

There were many other signs that confirmed our fears. People aren't even writing in comprehendable English anymore. They're creating another language. It's like that episode of Twilight Zone where this dude woke up one day to find everyone using words in sentences where it didn't belong. He eventually had to learn the 'English' language all over again. In a way, this is happening right now as we speak. We have the surfacing or resurfacing of languages such as Ebonics, Gibberish, Catch Phrase and the never dying ever popular, Stupid.

Previously on Smackdown, in the HHH vs Austin match, Vince accidentally (or did he??) (insert accusatory, detective music here) hit Austin with the belt. Now Stevie beckons Vinnie out so he can do some 'splainin'.

Vince's mic isn't working so Stevie takes it and chucks it into the audience. I was waiting for some audience member to scream bloody murder when the mic conked him right on the noggin. I bet the mic would have worked at that specific moment and the whole arena would hear this person's wail, 'Ouch! MY EYE! You bald bastard!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!'

Stevie knows when the camera is on him. Here, he gives us his best Rico Suave look. Well, since he's not Hispanic, we'll have to pronounce it 'rie-ko swayve'. Good ole reliable American language.

By the way, why is a building called a building when it's already built? Something to think about courtesy of Gallagher. (Why do they call it a parkway if you drive on it... BC)

Vinnie insists that it was an accident so he appoints himself guest ref for Survivor Series. The Rock comes out.

Signage:  When did Austin get so FAT. It was after he swallowed Debra, of course. Oh, we get a triple whammy commentary from this capture. Signage #2: FART. That is, of course, what Austin did after he DIGESTED Debra. Signage #3: There's a horrific illustration of Rock as Frankenstein. Rockenstein: The People's Monster.

The Roody Poo from the Black Lagoon. Rockula. Return of the Living Rock. Nightmare on Jabroni Street. Nightmare on Jabroni Street 2. When a Rock Calls. When a Rock Calls Back.

I grew up watching horror movies in the confines of my own home! Movie titles included 'Mother', 'Father', 'Mother & Father', 'My Beehive Sportin' Grandma'.

Vinnie's second mic doesn't work either so Austin threw that into the audience and I'm sure it clocked someone in the head as well. Stevie is doing pretty good. So far he's killed two people in the audience.

HHH comes out and Stevie has since dropped the 'Rie-ko Swayve' look like a fiery, acid spittin' hot potato. He couldn't keep the farce going any further. Stevie's true self is… the tobacco chewin', beer guzzlin' redneck. Then again, maybe Debra is just repeating on him. 'Aw stay down in my stomach, girl. Buuuurp..'

At this point, we realize that we're getting too many caps of Stevie. Here is Stevie's alter ego, Cancer Boy. This is basically his way of telling blond, bald dudes with no eyebrows that if you're going to wear a baseball cap, expect people to sing, 'Cancer Boy' when you walk by.

NAO enter the ring. 'Your ass better call somebody,' Dogg says. Hey Dogg, when are you going to accept the fact that the ass DOESN'TKNOWHOWTOUSEAPHONE! Okay? Can't you just accept that fact? These impossible demands are just too trying on my inhuman condition.

Sheesh.

They all sport their marketable DX hat AKA the Gilligan hat, now AKA the F-Troop hat. I guess Road Dogg is now Agarn Dogg and Billy Butt is Calamity Jane sans bouffant.

Dogg and Butt face (you wrote Butt Face... BC) (Freudian slip, okay) each other at one point and I thought they were going into singing duet mode. Since Dogg's got the braids, it's safe to say that he's the Peaches of Peaches and Herb fame. Reunited and it feels so goooood. (My endless loooove... BC)

NAO vs. Mankind and Al for the tag titles. Mick and Al lose the match due to Venis' interference and NAO are once again the tag champs.

Backstage, Cole is with DX. They celebrate NAO's win by … partaking in debauchery! Well, alright! HHH takes his pants down and Billy Butt is getting ready to insert, thrust and most likely repeat while X and Dogg grin and bear it. In case anyone didn't know, this is truly vile.

Kevin Kelly is with Al and Mick, who are really disappointed about their loss.  Al apologizes but he's had a lot on his mind. Hell, the Al Snow dolls were being pulled off the Wal-mart shelves because of the severed Head. Even worse, he's accused of being a murderer. Believe me, Al, I know exactly what you're going through. Uuh, I mean…

Next SCENE!

Godfather found himself more Stepford Hoes! I think they can open up a wig shop.

Looks like he got himself some winners this time. Gold & Black Ho starts to do a Pee Wee Herman type of dance and Big Black Ho sticks out her huge cow tongue while GF is about to sound off the cannons. That could be a big one. He's liable to blow all their wigs and clothes off. (Then there'd be a bunch of naked, bald hoes standing there... BC)

Godfather vs. Venis. GF offers the hoes to Venis, who was about to take them, but opted to attack GF instead. Uh.. does Venis still get the hoes? Anyways, Venis attacks and we figure he's yelling, 'Try these bony ankles! I'll impale you with these spicules that I call my legs!'

Lawler wonders why Venis didn't take the hoes. Obviously they're not his type. They're female and they're not inflatable. Actually, I think he'd have a better time with his own hand than those girls. I mean, they're kinda defective. They don't even have real hair. They're like the bologna in the finicky market of coldcuts.

Mick interferes in this match and that's the end of that.

Non sequitur moment here.

I know that there's this 'Adopt A Wrestler' thing going around the net. I myself, would like to adopt.. Jonathan Davis based on this picture alone. However, if I adopt him, he'll have to give me money to support him, considering he earns more than I do. He better give me a lot of money because I wanna make sure I raise him real good and maintain his healthy supply of sassy jogging outfits… and soy milk.

Dok is backstage with Steph, Shane, Momma McMahon and Testes who is wearing an Ernie shirt. Since Steph saw how well endowed Testes is, I'm sure she wants to skip the whole wedding and leap right into the honeymoon spread-eagled. Who cares if he's wearing an Ernie shirt. She wants to greet the Snuffaluffagus!

I think they said the wedding will be at Staples Arena. You know, one huge staple remover and that arena will go down in one big pile. Who's the architectural genius who thought of constructing that built?

Testes says that he's not only got a great girl, but a great family. They also have some healthy, respectable, beautiful, intelligent wealth. 'BACK UP THE BRINKS TRUCKS!!'

Garcia is in the ring. She announces that Big Daddy Show passed away and services will be this weekend.. at the end of the week. So, at the end of the week.. at week's end… this week, the end of that.. not next week but this week.. will be the services.

Thanks.

The 10 bell salute is sounded but Big Bossy interferes. Apparently, he's written a poem for Big Daddy. How nice. Being such a good fella, I'm sure he wrote a poem for his dog that died when it was run over by another dog (please see past Raw reports if you don't understand that sentence).

Anyways, I bet his poem went something like this: (for full effect, this must be recited in a hayseed accent):
Mah dog, mah dog
you got run over by .. uh dog
How could it get run over by .. uh dog
it was such uh small .. dog
trampled by such uh big .. dog
maybe you didn't see it cuz there was .. fog
maybe he tripped over uh .. log
in the .. bog
now Ah'll go to mah trailer n' have... eggnog
but don't ask me to .. jog
cuz I ate all mah lunchables n' I feel like uh ... hog
and mah socks are .. sog-gy

Wow, he's better than Lautremont ever was.

Kurt Angle segment. One word. BOYWHATABORE.

Edge and Christian and Headbangers vs. Bulldog and the Pisse. Hey, what's up with Christian's ass leech? (It's so gelatinous!... BC) I feel like having two, round, firm bowls of jello right now.

Mm, black raspberry.

I do believe Edge/ Christian and Headbangers won but I was somewhat distracted by thoughts of jello.

Backstage, Vinnie is yelling at DX. We see that Testes has bloated up for mating season and is fully READY for the honeymoon. Either that or he already ate Stephanie. You know there's been a lot of eating (of females) in the WWF lately.

For crying out loud, I need to get in on it!

Anyways, Patterson is really sticking it to DX in this argument. He screamed a really bullying, 'hey hey hey hey hey!' You tell them! You you you you.. Good thing they stopped the footage when they did because he was two seconds from a head bursting, 'YEEEAH!!!'

An Earlier Today segment. Jericho is at Beaver Stadium and in true immature goofball fashion, he takes a poke at the word 'beaver'. Hell, I would never resort to such childish buffoonery. Hell, I even work by a Beaver Street and when someone asks for certain directions, I say, 'Just go down on Beaver…' and I laugh not once! I laugh twice AND I chuckle but that's beside the point. Also one of our attorneys' surname is Hymen. (I just got a call today from Dickburger (Dick Berger)... BC) But never shall you find me enthralled in such goofishness as bringing up such perverse innuendos. NEVAH!

Anyways, does Beaver stadium have winter bush right now?

There's some rumor going around about the WWF's discontent with Chris. The funniest thing written was he was asked to lose weight.

……………… (get ready for my sarcastic tirade)

HELL!!! When I look at Chris and that huge belly, I think, GOOD JESUS MOTHER OF GOD, Chris, I'm so embarrassed for you. How could you let yourself go like that? You are so obese. I know you DRAW those six packs of abs onto your flabby belly. You're bigger than the Nestle blimp now. How could you let it go so far? How did you get to that sad state? (I mean Pennsylvania, of course). Hurry, emergency LIPO, STAT!

People = annoying. I suppose it's human nature to demand so much of others but never themselves. That is why they have all the time to criticize and tell people what they should do instead of actually going OUT there and doing it themselves. In the long run, they just end up sounding really bitter. Mad Phat tends to experience this from time to time but I always say, 'We do this because it keeps us happy and satisfied and it makes us laugh. If there are people who want to come along for the ride, more power to all of us. Everyone, just have fun.'

Now, Rock and Austin didn't get to their status in just FOUR months, right? In order for someone to perform to their full potential and get over with the crowd, they need the time to get used to the program (which includes all the people involved) and vice versa. It never happens overnight.

Chris says, 'if Chyna has the balls.. and she looks like it..' Of course, the two balls are her boobs. She's got Big Balls.. Dirty Big Balls..

Oh dear. AC/DC.

X and Energy Drink come out. Here is the example of the GOOD spokesperson. Hold can so logo faces camera and plaster on Sincere Advertising Face. 'Energy Drink, a refreshing drink preferred by spicy little wrestlers everywhere. It's tasty too! On top of that, I haven't slept for 20 days now and I'm still wired!'

Now, here is an example of the BAD spokesperson. There's no enthusiasm whatsoever and the eyelids are halfway closed. Good grief, kid, you look like you smoked a whole pot plant. Here's his selling pitch, 'Energy. Just buy it... I haven't slept for 20 days! Sheesh.'

X vs. Rock. First we get a glimpse of the Rock's 'Sexiest Man' photo session. Dude, I hope you were aware that you were posing with a rock. Well, good thing it wasn't a Playgirl shoot because that poor rock would have been so violated.

Well, this photo shoot is about as exciting as some people's bedroom activities so leave it to Mad Phat to put a little gusto, gumbo and two cents in. Hell, two cents is all I can give because we recently invested in the Mad Phat So Coo automobile. This means my lunches will consist of savory, succulent, rich, exquisite ... tuna sandwiches.

Rock may be sitting on the rock but it looks more like he just pooped it. Now, in order to make this segment more exciting, the captions for the next few frames must be spoken in a game show host voice. You know, like the Movie-Fone guy or those Batman cliffhanger type voice-overs. 'SEE Rock, straddle the rock!!'

OBSERVE!! as he HUGS rock!

WITNESS!! as he reclines on rock.

GASP in horror as he falls off the rock.

Sorry, we don't actually have a clip of that but it could have happened. The chances of that happening are definitely possible if I was there to actually push him off, of course. Besides, if I say it happened, it did because this is the internet and everything that's reported is true. Now I guarantee you there will be people in the business who will deny EVERYTHING, but the fact that I am able to predict that means that I am speaking the truth. AH-HAH!! If I KNOW what they're going to say, it means that I KNOW what I'm saying.. and I'm saying..

I lost track. (I'm following you.... BC)

Oh, wait, the Rock photo session isn't even done yet.

COVER your nose as you SMELL the Rock's foot odor waft over. Dude, that European no socks thing was just never ... good. Oh well, no more shots. That was fun, though.

Okay, enough of that childishness. There's a match going on here. What's wrong with you, Bostin?

At one point, X pins the Rock and we saw his boulder. Sure ain't no pebble!! The Boulder wins. Just ask his wife.

DX then runs in. Dogg pulls X to the corner and asks sweetly, 'How are you, baby?' X would of course reply, 'Stoned.' Now, as I look at the mass of corpulent humanity in the ring, I recognize now that they ALL need to lose some weight, including X-Pac. Hell, I don't know how they all fit into the ring. Between HHH and Chris Jericho, I don't know how they fit in the arena!

Joey Styles summed it up perfectly in one of his columns when he said there are people who seem intent on taking the 'fun' out of wrestling.

Does the back of Butt's shirt say 'and a really great ass tooth?' How big is that tooth? And is it really shaped like an ass?? That's very surreal.

Vinnie comes out to tell HHH that he is to defend the belt against Testes with Shane as ref and Vinnie as the bellringer. If DX interferes, Vince will strip HHH of the belt. Hell, HHH figured he didn't have a chance with the balance against him so he started stripping immediately.

Chyna and Kitty are in the ring. Stevie Richards, in Dread Zeppelin/ Elvis garb, comes out to serenade her. Here's some helpful fashion advice. Low wide belts are the leading cause of Big Ass Syndrome aka Trucker Butt.

In the least, the wig is pretty hilarious. He looks like a frilled dragon with those sideburns. They're very much like the wigs used in old school kung fu flicks where the dudes had the most extreme eyebrows and sideburns. Anyways, at least the wig became a home for a pretty little chirp chirp.

Jericho runs in and destroys the party. He and Chyna end up rolling around in the ring and JR exclaims, 'Something's very wrong here.' I don't see anything wrong. I only see that Chyna is a smart girl and she knows how to get the jollies. (Oh look, she's rolling a fattie... BC)

The rolling gets hot and heavy that Jericho's .... panty hose???... rides up. Boy, I really hate it when that happens. What's worse are the pantyhose that are made for people with 6 feet torsos. No matter what you do, if it be stapling or gluing, it always rebelliously rolls down around the waist and you end up with a nylon hoolah hoop. Well, considering Jericho is as big as a house, I'm sure he's got support hose on.

Sheesh.

Hey, Serial Hugger Garea is in the ring!! This is his moment to shine as we chant, 'HUG HUG HUG HUG!' With all that humanity in there, he goes for the creme de la creme, which is Jericho. Well, if he tried to hug Chyna, her boobs would get in the way and his fingers would get as far as her shoulders. It's just not the same.

Eventually, Chyna makes a mad dash and leapt onto Chris. I told you she knows how to get her jollies. SMART GIRL!

Garea reaches full power as he cinches in the MEGA HUG!! Score one for the Hugger!! That is a major score!! Garea must be all moist and squishy now.

Jericho tries to get away but Garea is an expert. He got the super-mega hug on using the bona-fide, intertwining, superlicious, interlocking knuckle grip. 'Don't go Chris, I loooove you! Don't leave me!!' Garea screamed.

What makes him the deadliest type of Serial Hugger is the fact that he can't stand it when people run away from him. It leaves him yearning for more. He covets.. and coveting is what makes people insane with rage, jealousy, need, desperation on top of indigestion and screaming diarrhea.

The chubby ref is probably wondering what all the hug hoopla is about so he gives it a try. Meanwhile, Garea has resorted to hugging the nearest fleshy thing, Chyna. Check it out though, he's still eyeing Chris.

Wow, Chris is definitely the man. Kewpie Ref wants to kiss him now. Okay, this is getting out of control and most importantly, why the FRAG am I not in there? In the immortal words of Margaret Cho (as her mother), 'THEY NEVER GIVE ME A CHAAAAANCE!!!'

Anyways, they all want a piece of Jericho. Can't figure out why considering he's so fat.

Sheesh.

Aculytes are in a bar watching this on the telly. Mr. Coo Simmons says, 'Look at Jericho, he's hitting a girl. That's no way to treat a lady.' Some boobette approaches them and Bradshaw shows us the correct way to treat a lady. Avert the eyes and talk to the boobs. Hell, that's how I speak to Bostin.

What.

Bossman vs. Kane. Tori watches the match on the monitor backstage. Okay guys, I know we've got many wrestlers in storyland limbo and this one takes the big cake and cinnamon rolls. In the least, I hope they don't end up like those douchy couples that dress alike. Kane in a Giger-esque catsuit might throw many people off.

Prince Albert interferes in the match. Boss Man isn't having a good month. Last week, his head disintegrated from the stink bomb. Now, his whole upper body is gone. Did Prince ChiaBack drop the nastiest of nasty stink bombs this time?

Too Cool vs. Hollys. Hollys win.

What.

The rednecks in the bar are now poking fun of wrestling saying Too Cool are not cool. Hey, you know what? They sound like.. wrestling fans in the prime of intelligent speak.

Bradshaw takes offense to their ribbing of wrestlers and he's getting ready to pounce and … eat the guy for dinner. I'm sure he told Mr. Coo to give them a warning, 'You better tell him to shut up because I'm hungry and someone stole all my Twinkies.'

Bar fight. Brad leaves with the girl. Hey, Mr. Coo doesn't get a chick?

Vinnie is on his way to the ring. JR says, "There's Vince walking with a purpose..' Vince is probably thinking, 'I have a purpose.. My purpose is to sit by that bell.. and .. ring it.. ring it purposefully.' I wonder if his purpose is the same as Steve Martin's character, The Jerk.

HHH vs. Testes. Since the McMahon swarm is making this match difficult for HHH, Lawler screams, 'It's 3 on 1!' No no no, you mean 4 on 1. You forgot to mention Testes' log.

Hey, it looks like Testes has been scratching his butt a little too often. There's a frayed little hole there. For those not in the know, the technical term for a hole in the pants is 'Gargoyle flew out of my butt'.

Rock is watching this match from … looks like someone's basement. First he's sitting his ass on rocks, now he's sneaking into people's basements without permission. God.. do they at least have beverages there?

It seems that Testes is about to win but the Titantron footage comes up and Dogg is leading the camera to a room where DX members are holding (supposedly) Steph by the legs. (It looked like.... well... you know that thing you do to a baby when it's got gas, where you hold onto his feet and pedal its legs so he can fart? ... Maxwoman) Yes, yes. They were indeed trying to make Steph fart. That would have been detrimental to her character and it would be the ultimate revenge against Vince. 

We smart, we on the ball.

Now where's Jericho?

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