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Pittsburgh We don't even have time to prep up the ice pops before the show jumps right into, 'Are you ready??' Obviously, NO! Anyways, if that 'are you ready' line was done the Jon Davis Belching style, their theme just might be cool. I believe that if people were able to release raw emotions, there would be less angst in this world because repressed and suppressed emotions always clog the body with gunk, grime, clots and stuff (stuff is the worst). It would definitely diminish the assholishness level of society. Speaking of assholishness, DX come out. What. They're supposed to be assholes. I'm playing along.
This usually occurs when a 1000 digit serial code is
being typed in. It's no wonder that I never came across a happy check-out person in my lifetime.
X is with his beloved can of Energy. It's time to take the next step and hook up an IV to it, dude. HHH bitches about Vince making him face so many opponents. Let's see, there was Vince's son, his son-in-law…. Oh, don't forget his son-in-law's best friend, HIS best friend's neighbor's cat trainer's Poland Spring supplier ... and his grandmother. Being hopped up on Geritol, she proved to be the toughest opponent of all. Vince comes out. He says to Dogg, 'If you and your other members... ' Whoa whoa whoa, just how many members DOES he have?? And why can't we see them? Actually, that's okay. If his affliction is the male equivalent to Octopussy, I'd rather not know about it. Vinnie replays the vehicular homicide footage from Survivor Series. It was just devastating how Stevie THREW himself onto the car hood. He really killed that vehicle good. Vince calls out the detectives and cops to take DX in for questioning. We still believe that Big Show did the job. I mean, Show obviously needs the extra money to buy paper towels that would soak up all his drool. They cost a pretty penny, you know. The two-ply will break a wallet. He probably had to stuff whole rolls into his mouth to control the falls, then wring them out, shake them off, and hang them up on the clothes line. He should probably look into sponges. Another signage: Wrath is Raw. Wrath! It would be nice to see him back in the WWF. It'd be tough to shake off that Adam Bomb gimmick though. We often wonder if he's Jewish and his real name is Adam Baum.
As in most Venis matches, his hair plugs went awry. This is a sure sign that his empty follicles are rejecting the plugs the way bionic limbs rejected Jaime Summers. He'll need to consult with the Hair Plug Sensei to borrow some crazy glue for those rebellious plugs. Mankind wins with Socko. Backstage the cops question DX, who are less than cooperative. X is a little ferclempt over this as he stands up for his rights and on a large 8.5 x 11 piece of rolling (?) paper. Wow, that would roll up a joint the size of a bologna. Anyways, X does NOT have to succumb to THE MAN! Or at least THAT MAN!! YEAH!!
HHH tells the cops about the historical friction between Vinnie Mac and Stevie and if anyone should be suspect, it should be Vinnie.
Godfather vs. Kurt Ankle. Maybe he should be renamed Kurt Head because as hard as I tried, I couldn't find a neck on that boy. GF figures he could trade Head's gold for .. 'well, the hoes have no gold.. but they have a gold spot..' That's G-Spot, stupid. If you can't get the terminology right, how in the world are you going to find it? Gee, do you fondle boobs by flicking the nipples with the tips of your fingers?
Ankle wins this match. OKAY! Get the ice pops and the puke bucket out because it's Jericho vs. Gangrel.
Gangrel comes out with Luna (Gangreluna! That sounds like a physical affliction .. like Mistletoe; a condition that makes it hard for people to find a shoe that fits). What's worse than that is the crippling disease called Peabody. (What about 'Split Peabody'… BC) Chyna and Kitty come out to taunt Chris. He vowed that he would get a sex change operation and be called Christina if he didn't beat Chyna. Sorry, by Mad Phat default, the moniker Christina is reserved exclusively for Christian. You can have 'Chrissy'.
Chris is distracted so Gangrel runs his bloated-tick self against him (whoa, haven't used that tick reference in a long time). YO! Don't damage the goods! Chyna insists on taunting Chris which makes him scream out in little voice, 'You get out of here!' Pardon me a sex (yes, Freudian slip) while I emit the following: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW. Little voice. I know I'm in deep smit when all Chris has to do is yell something and I'll find it cute. Irreversible Chronic Smit is evident if I think it's cute that he has screaming diarrhea in the ring. There is a definite sizable amount of smit (and SMUT) in the Mad Phat haven.
Chris loses the match as Chyna and Kitty throw feminine products at him. Uhm, you forgot to throw one more feminine product at him. ME!!!!!! What.
Backstage, Vince is confronted by Show who is probably wondering who stole his toenail clipper. Oh, Show wants Boss Man. Vince says 'Nay, Sir Big Toe, for the Boss Man is going one on one with The Wok'. THE WOK? I suppose that's Taka Michinoku's revamped character. The Asian Rock, the Asian People's Champion. Actually, he should be called The Lock. Know your eggroll! Does anyone remember that Japanese metal group, Loudness? We have this on-going joke about their New York appearance in which they riled the audience by screaming, 'New YAWK.. are you leady to LOCK n' LOLL???!' Hell, if I locked, it'd be physically impossible to loll, right?? Leave it to metalheads to ask for the impossible from lock and lolling to .. sex in Lincolns. Vince stops by DX's room and sets up a few matches. HHH 'has to start at the bottom rung' and go against Kane. Hey hey, I wouldn't really categorize him as the lowest rung. Steve Blackman, yes. Following close behind him would be Taka with Max Mini on his shoulder. Mr. Coo and Bradshaw are perhaps playing a mega-violent game of Spit. Ref Hebner tells them that four guys are looking to even the score with them and the Acolytes are, of course, ready for action. They confront the four fat dudes, who make Bradshaw look really good by comparison.
GOOD GOD, that was beyond disgusting. I swear that is not from personal experience. I just have very amusing friends … who don't know how to place a pad properly on the panty. Sorry.
Just kidding. It wasn't anything they didn't deserve. Just kidding again. Show won.
Considering Rock probably dreams about catch phrases, he would be jerked awake from a simple nudge and blurt out, 'RUDYJABRONI!' After he gets half his wits about him, he would turn to Cole and say, 'You're not my wife!!' That is a good thing, in case nobody suspects. The detectives confront Rock about Austin, who says, 'You have the nerve to come in front of the Rock.' That is rude. They'll leave a slippery spot on the floor. That sort of activity should be done in private. Rock insults the detectives and their donuts. I'm sure the seething cops are thinking, 'Yeah, we let suspects push us around. So.. would you like your anal probe now or later?? Has your ass ever met Mr. Taser?
Dogg wins the match since Al was too busy pulling his imaginary taffy. Mick comes out to cheer him up but Al has just been so pre-occupied with people calling him a woman beater. Aw Al, you shouldn't let it bother you. So what if you put the snowplow on Chastity a few times in ECW. It dun't mean a thing! Mick sings 'For He's a Jolly Good Fellow' to Al and hugs him. Markmarkmark. This was cute. Mick says that they'll go to the city of Lost Angels: Las Vegas!! I guess he means the city of lost Vegas, the place where a bunch of Savio Vegas are roaming around searching desperately for their career. Replay of Stevie running the car over AGAIN. So far, he's run over that car 5 times now. Look, I think the car's had enough. Leave it alone, you big bald bully.
Don't forget to use the LEVER! Pull it up, pull it down, pull it up, pull it down.. go sideways. (At this point, I bet the men reading this report are flinching, folding up in half with their legs pretzeled into an elaborate figure eight). X taunts them. Kane goes after him and he's ambushed by HHH. Good thing the detectives are on the premises because Kane can report the collision immediately. They'd ask, 'Well, what did he look like??' 'Well, I saw a big nose charging at me and then this body collided into me. He had a bar code and panties .. isn't that sexual assault when some underwearing maniac attacks?' Then the cops would copy down the wrong information and the report would state that Kane ran himself over at a bar while screaming some code or another before being sexually assaulted by a pair of panties. Anyways, Tori helps Kane. We notice that she doesn't have the correct color scheme to be considered his girlfriend. You know it's like dork law to wear the same clothes if you're a couple. What she really needs is a she-Kane mask. What makes it a 'she' version, you ask?? It would have eyelashes, lipstick and drawn in eyebrows.
He's taking the cameraman to a room where a Chyna is strapped to a chair. Apparently he's gone wacko from having been embarrassed again by Chyna. His career is over, he can't call his family, his friends (he can't speak to any of the dudes from Fozzie Osbourne or the sister group, Miss Piggy Iommi aka Stuck Mojo Part 2 aka Elmo Rhoades aka Grover Sabbath). All he hears is the 'stupid ringing of the stupid bell'. The Telltale Bells. DUNG. On a serious note, what does a stupid bell sound like? A pretty dull 'CLUNK' or a 'PLINK'. He threatens Chyna to admit that he is the better wrestler as he wields a hammer. She says, 'Screw you, Chris.' If I may. Oh…. you meant.. He hammers her thumb ... or rather the carrot that was stuffed in the thumb hole of her glove. Hey, she didn't need that thumb anyways. Besides, hitchiking is really dangerous. I'd say that he did her a favor. I was actually expecting this to turn out like the SNL Julia Child skit, in which her thumb would have fallen off and blood would squirt out. Hey, television was ALWAYS violent. I turned out alright though. ……………………………………… no comment. Chyna is being tended to by the EMT's and we see that her thumb now resembles a sausage. Boy, I really hate sausage appendages. The worst is sausage feet (you know, all bloated and swollen due to pregnancy).
Testes vs. Billy Butt. Testes wins.
People used to say that beer tastes like urine and we often ask, 'And how often do you taste urine??' HHH vs. Kane with Vinnie doing commentary. X attacked Kane even before he started walking down the ramp. X is so small anyways, I figured Kane should have kept walking with an X-Bac-Pac on him. Shoo fly shoo, Kane may say.
HHH then mushes Vinnie in the face which erupted the anger in Vinnie. Boy, HHH, you in trouble now. You really burst his bubble. Vinnie gets in the ring and he means business … and HHH decks him. Vinnie probably thought, 'Well, that's what I wanted to do.. My job is done.' Match over. Garcia announces the Rock as 'The RACK!' To this day, I'm still waiting for boobs to bounce out happily to the ring. JR calls the match and he contributed a flubbery that brought about an interesting visual. He said, 'The Rock follows the Rock into the sea of humanity.' If that was the case, Rock would just be going around in circles.
Prince Chiaback runs in to interfere and Bossy wins the match which causes Rock to go out of control. JR screams, 'Rock's got the Bossman's dick!' Oh geez. Nothing says psychotic like grabbing Bossman's dick. (He said 'nightstick'… BC) Yes, which is just a fancy alternative to 'dick'. We drip so much sarcasm, I think this is the reason why we keep falling. It's slippery, you know. Refs and Tom Pritchard run in to assist and OH! Pritchard cut his hair helmet!!! WHOA! WHY??! WHUH???!! He had that hair helmet for-friggin-ever!! He was BORN with that thing and he's decided to get rid of it NOW???!!
Rock gives Pritchard the rock bottom. Without the power of the Magic Hair Helmet, he is reduced to a rock bottomed pile of flesh in the ring. The power of the Hair Helmet really can't be toyed with. Look at what happened to Samson! Yo, don't listen to what WE have to say, dude! So what if we make fun of it. We do actually respect people who wear their trademarks with pride, whether it be a mullet, a hair helmet, saggy nipples or ass leeches ...
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