By Chokee Slam


We don't even have time to prep up the ice pops before the show jumps right into, 'Are you ready??' Obviously, NO! Anyways, if that 'are you ready' line was done the Jon Davis Belching style, their theme just might be cool.

I believe that if people were able to release raw emotions, there would be less angst in this world because repressed and suppressed emotions always clog the body with gunk, grime, clots and stuff (stuff is the worst). It would definitely diminish the assholishness level of society.

Speaking of assholishness, DX come out.

What. They're supposed to be assholes. I'm playing along.

Billy Butt sports the DX Bar-code shirt. I feel like running him over a supermarket scanner. He'd probably cost a negative amount. I mean, the supermarket would PAY YOU to get him off the shelves. Non-team players Dogg and X are without Bar-Code shirt. They're unmarked. They'll have to tediously type in the whole 1000 digit serial code. raw937.jpg (17212 bytes)

This usually occurs when a 1000 digit serial code is being typed in.
'(Typing) 1256-7896-9978-4456-8970.... (inevitable finger-tangle-lock occurs) #!.... (exclaim, 'AAAAaaaw') ... (hit clear tab about fifty times) ... (take deep breath) .. (grit teeth)… (cross eyes in anger and frustration)… (alternate option but not highly suggested is to grin madly, reach over to customer and wrap cold fingers around aforementioned neck)… (OR just start over again)... (type with more force because this means you'll get the numbers right or you'll just break the keypad and either way, dilemma is alleviated) .. (commence again) 1256-...'

It's no wonder that I never came across a happy check-out person in my lifetime.

raw938.jpg (12848 bytes) Signage: HHH wears Depends. This would have been funny if there was any sort of precedence to it. They should have written, 'HHH WAS Wearing Breathe-Right But His Big Nose Snorted It Into The Vortex Called Booger World.' Actually, that's too much to put on a sign. We don't condone Signage Novels. Signage #2: OLEY. Oil of?? Anti-aging cream for bullfighters??

X is with his beloved can of Energy. It's time to take the next step and hook up an IV to it, dude.

HHH bitches about Vince making him face so many opponents. Let's see, there was Vince's son, his son-in-law…. Oh, don't forget his son-in-law's best friend, HIS best friend's neighbor's cat trainer's Poland Spring supplier ... and his grandmother. Being hopped up on Geritol, she proved to be the toughest opponent of all.

Vince comes out. He says to Dogg, 'If you and your other members... ' Whoa whoa whoa, just how many members DOES he have?? And why can't we see them? Actually, that's okay. If his affliction is the male equivalent to Octopussy, I'd rather not know about it.

Vinnie replays the vehicular homicide footage from Survivor Series. It was just devastating how Stevie THREW himself onto the car hood. He really killed that vehicle good.

Vince calls out the detectives and cops to take DX in for questioning.

We still believe that Big Show did the job. I mean, Show obviously needs the extra money to buy paper towels that would soak up all his drool. They cost a pretty penny, you know. The two-ply will break a wallet. He probably had to stuff whole rolls into his mouth to control the falls, then wring them out, shake them off, and hang them up on the clothes line. He should probably look into sponges.

Another signage: Wrath is Raw. Wrath! It would be nice to see him back in the WWF. It'd be tough to shake off that Adam Bomb gimmick though. We often wonder if he's Jewish and his real name is Adam Baum.

Venis vs. Mankind.

Signage: NO OK WOW. Is that Eskee-moe language?

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As in most Venis matches, his hair plugs went awry. This is a sure sign that his empty follicles are rejecting the plugs the way bionic limbs rejected Jaime Summers. He'll need to consult with the Hair Plug Sensei to borrow some crazy glue for those rebellious plugs.

Mankind wins with Socko.

Backstage the cops question DX, who are less than cooperative. X is a little ferclempt over this as he stands up for his rights and on a large 8.5 x 11 piece of rolling (?) paper. Wow, that would roll up a joint the size of a bologna. Anyways, X does NOT have to succumb to THE MAN! Or at least THAT MAN!! YEAH!!

raw940.jpg (22705 bytes) The rolling paper protested to being stepped on because it decided to take X DOWN like a bitch! Good thing the chair was there for X to land his ass on. His pride just took a little stab as opposed to being mangled, decapitated, chewed up, spit out and stomped on.
HHH is wondering what happened while Billy Butt pats X on the chest like, 'It's okay little buddy.. still, this is a very curious thing to happen.' raw941.jpg (21813 bytes)
raw942.jpg (22579 bytes) X's legs went ballistic. He should have made the great save that Dogg did that time he slipped up (when they were dumping a bunch of feathers onto a molasses covered Finkel) and screamed, 'WATCH OUT! It's slippery over here!' X should have screamed, 'WATCH OUT! THAT ROLLING PAPER IS DANGEROUS!'
DX may have told the cops, 'He gets a little excited. We don't let him stand often.'  Ooh.. wanna see something scary? Check out the Skull Cop. He's Skull Von Cop. Maybe he's a scanner. raw943.jpg (23053 bytes)

HHH tells the cops about the historical friction between Vinnie Mac and Stevie and if anyone should be suspect, it should be Vinnie.

raw944.jpg (18479 bytes) Backstage, Testes and Steph are confronted by Luna, who gives them a stuffed squirrel as a gift. She should have gotten Testes some cartilage for his ski-slope nose. If it takes any more breaks, it'll look like a Shamrock Chili Pepper Proboscis. He must snore something awful.

Godfather vs. Kurt Ankle. Maybe he should be renamed Kurt Head because as hard as I tried, I couldn't find a neck on that boy. GF figures he could trade Head's gold for .. 'well, the hoes have no gold.. but they have a gold spot..' That's G-Spot, stupid. If you can't get the terminology right, how in the world are you going to find it? Gee, do you fondle boobs by flicking the nipples with the tips of your fingers?

Ankle doesn't want the hoes, he wants GF's ass.You know, that's the closest you can get to someone before it's classified as rape or joyous sex. There's always a very fine line between pleasure and pain. Just ask the Divinyls. They know about that stuff. raw945.jpg (24009 bytes)

Ankle wins this match.

OKAY! Get the ice pops and the puke bucket out because it's Jericho vs. Gangrel.

raw946.jpg (16049 bytes) Chris is very upset with his loss to Chyna that he doesn't even want the cameras to film him. He's probably just testy about having his bad side filmed. Technically, Chris' only bad side is probably the soles of his feet. Maybe they're all dry, flaky and calloused. Listen, there has to be SOMETHING wrong with him. Maybe his pinky toe is a mangled mess with a Guiness Book of World Record's sized bunion WITH a corn on top of that.

Gangrel comes out with Luna (Gangreluna! That sounds like a physical affliction .. like Mistletoe; a condition that makes it hard for people to find a shoe that fits). What's worse than that is the crippling disease called Peabody. (What about 'Split Peabody'… BC)

Chyna and Kitty come out to taunt Chris. He vowed that he would get a sex change operation and be called Christina if he didn't beat Chyna. Sorry, by Mad Phat default, the moniker Christina is reserved exclusively for Christian. You can have 'Chrissy'.

Chyna has the bolt cutters (for Chris' operation). Hey, girl, when did you steal Big Show's toenail clippers? raw965.jpg (65645 bytes)

Chris is distracted so Gangrel runs his bloated-tick self against him (whoa, haven't used that tick reference in a long time). YO! Don't damage the goods! Chyna insists on taunting Chris which makes him scream out in little voice, 'You get out of here!'

Pardon me a sex (yes, Freudian slip) while I emit the following: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW. Little voice. I know I'm in deep smit when all Chris has to do is yell something and I'll find it cute. Irreversible Chronic Smit is evident if I think it's cute that he has screaming diarrhea in the ring. There is a definite sizable amount of smit (and SMUT) in the Mad Phat haven.

raw948.jpg (15217 bytes) After Chris put the Wall of Liontamer on Gangrel, Chyna distracts him and the hold is released. Gangrel then gimped over in protest, 'OW! My back doesn't bend that way! Do I look flexible to you??!?!?! SHEESH!!'

Chris loses the match as Chyna and Kitty throw feminine products at him. Uhm, you forgot to throw one more feminine product at him. ME!!!!!!


It's safe to say that the bra that was thrown in is what really made Chris crack.  For God's sake, UNDERWIRE BRAS POKE!! They are quite a necessity though if you don't want to suffer from dunlap breasts (i.e. those breasts dun lap over). raw948.jpg (15217 bytes)
raw949.jpg (14802 bytes) His eyes go half crossed and I know I'm cascading down Smit of No Return because he still looks good to me. Well honestly, the main reason why he started moving up in my Mad Phat list of lustfuls/ respectables is due to his sense of humor and ease at being a goofball. It's a refreshing welcome in a world where asses are so tight that the dogs can hear it fart.

Backstage, Vince is confronted by Show who is probably wondering who stole his toenail clipper. Oh, Show wants Boss Man. Vince says 'Nay, Sir Big Toe, for the Boss Man is going one on one with The Wok'.

THE WOK? I suppose that's Taka Michinoku's revamped character. The Asian Rock, the Asian People's Champion. Actually, he should be called The Lock.  Know your eggroll!

Does anyone remember that Japanese metal group, Loudness? We have this on-going joke about their New York appearance in which they riled the audience by screaming, 'New YAWK.. are you leady to LOCK n' LOLL???!' Hell, if I locked, it'd be physically impossible to loll, right?? Leave it to metalheads to ask for the impossible from lock and lolling to .. sex in Lincolns.

Vince stops by DX's room and sets up a few matches. HHH 'has to start at the bottom rung' and go against Kane. Hey hey, I wouldn't really categorize him as the lowest rung. Steve Blackman, yes. Following close behind him would be Taka with Max Mini on his shoulder.

Mr. Coo and Bradshaw are perhaps playing a mega-violent game of Spit. Ref Hebner tells them that four guys are looking to even the score with them and the Acolytes are, of course, ready for action. They confront the four fat dudes, who make Bradshaw look really good by comparison.

Hell, one of them tough guys is wearing some mean pajamas.   He's ready for a night of extreme sleep! The definition of extreme sleep usually means finding your head at the foot of the bed, an arm on the floor and a leg in the closet. Extreme menstrual sleep results in a Stayfree pad stuck to the knee. raw950.jpg (16066 bytes)

GOOD GOD, that was beyond disgusting. I swear that is not from personal experience. I just have very amusing friends … who don't know how to place a pad properly on the panty.


raw951.jpg (18242 bytes) Big Show vs. Bulldog with the Pisse. WHOA. Wet spot galore on Bulldog. I bet a hoard of kids taunted him, 'You wet yourself, you wet yourself.. pissy pants pissy pants..' Kids are just downright cruel sometimes. I should know. I terrorized many tykes at many schoolyard rumbles during my kindergarten years.

Just kidding. It wasn't anything they didn't deserve.

Just kidding again.

Show won.

Backstage, Cole is with Rock. Rock has his sunglasses on indoors (training to be a Blues Brother, I suppose) but it looks more like he just fell asleep. If this type of slumber is interrupted, waking up can be a catastrophe. raw952.jpg (22813 bytes)

Considering Rock probably dreams about catch phrases, he would be jerked awake from a simple nudge and blurt out, 'RUDYJABRONI!' After he gets half his wits about him, he would turn to Cole and say, 'You're not my wife!!'

That is a good thing, in case nobody suspects.

The detectives confront Rock about Austin, who says, 'You have the nerve to come in front of the Rock.' That is rude. They'll leave a slippery spot on the floor. That sort of activity should be done in private.

Rock insults the detectives and their donuts. I'm sure the seething cops are thinking, 'Yeah, we let suspects push us around. So.. would you like your anal probe now or later?? Has your ass ever met Mr. Taser?

raw953.jpg (19421 bytes) Al Snow vs. Road Dogg. One point, Dogg ended up in the audience. For anyone who tuned in just at this moment, they're probably wondering why this audience member is pulling a Mork from Ork and sitting on his own face. Maybe he's doing a negative wave. (The undertow… BC)
Al gives the signal that he's going to do the snowplow. We believe that he's telling the world he's going to churn butter. Or drive sideways. Or punch himself. Or pull his face apart. Or pull taffy. raw954.jpg (18977 bytes)

Dogg wins the match since Al was too busy pulling his imaginary taffy. Mick comes out to cheer him up but Al has just been so pre-occupied with people calling him a woman beater. Aw Al, you shouldn't let it bother you. So what if you put the snowplow on Chastity a few times in ECW. It dun't mean a thing!

Mick sings 'For He's a Jolly Good Fellow' to Al and hugs him. Markmarkmark. This was cute. Mick says that they'll go to the city of Lost Angels: Las Vegas!!

I guess he means the city of lost Vegas, the place where a bunch of Savio Vegas are roaming around searching desperately for their career.

Replay of Stevie running the car over AGAIN. So far, he's run over that car 5 times now. Look, I think the car's had enough. Leave it alone, you big bald bully.

raw955.jpg (16573 bytes) Kane is with Tori backstage and she's got her hand on the side of Kane boob. OH this will just NOT do!! This is not right!! GIRL, don't you know how to score? You must USE the equipment for all its worth!! Twist those nippular knobs. Turn the volume UP, turn it down, make it LOUD, make it soft, make it LOUD, make it soft.

Don't forget to use the LEVER! Pull it up, pull it down, pull it up, pull it down.. go sideways. (At this point, I bet the men reading this report are flinching, folding up in half with their legs pretzeled into an elaborate figure eight).

X taunts them. Kane goes after him and he's ambushed by HHH. Good thing the detectives are on the premises because Kane can report the collision immediately. They'd ask, 'Well, what did he look like??'

'Well, I saw a big nose charging at me and then this body collided into me. He had a bar code and panties .. isn't that sexual assault when some underwearing maniac attacks?' Then the cops would copy down the wrong information and the report would state that Kane ran himself over at a bar while screaming some code or another before being sexually assaulted by a pair of panties.

Anyways, Tori helps Kane. We notice that she doesn't have the correct color scheme to be considered his girlfriend. You know it's like dork law to wear the same clothes if you're a couple. What she really needs is a she-Kane mask. What makes it a 'she' version, you ask?? It would have eyelashes, lipstick and drawn in eyebrows.

ARM! ARM!! JERICHO ARM! Oh... cara mia... *chomp* *chomp*. *Slurrrrrp* raw956.jpg (15024 bytes)

He's taking the cameraman to a room where a Chyna is strapped to a chair. Apparently he's gone wacko from having been embarrassed again by Chyna. His career is over, he can't call his family, his friends (he can't speak to any of the dudes from Fozzie Osbourne or the sister group, Miss Piggy Iommi aka Stuck Mojo Part 2 aka Elmo Rhoades aka Grover Sabbath).

All he hears is the 'stupid ringing of the stupid bell'. The Telltale Bells. DUNG. On a serious note, what does a stupid bell sound like? A pretty dull 'CLUNK' or a 'PLINK'.

He threatens Chyna to admit that he is the better wrestler as he wields a hammer. She says, 'Screw you, Chris.'

If I may.

Oh…. you meant..
… okay. Proceed with storyline.

He hammers her thumb ... or rather the carrot that was stuffed in the thumb hole of her glove. Hey, she didn't need that thumb anyways. Besides, hitchiking is really dangerous. I'd say that he did her a favor.

I was actually expecting this to turn out like the SNL Julia Child skit, in which her thumb would have fallen off and blood would squirt out. Hey, television was ALWAYS violent. I turned out alright though.

……………………………………… no comment.

Chyna is being tended to by the EMT's and we see that her thumb now resembles a sausage. Boy, I really hate sausage appendages. The worst is sausage feet (you know, all bloated and swollen due to pregnancy).

raw957.jpg (23376 bytes) One of the EMT's said, 'Put a band-aid on it..' A BAND-AID??!!! Use the little round ones. Okay he said bandage. We notice that Jericho is pretty precise with that hammer because he didn't even mar the nail! Either that or she knows where to get the best crazy glue in the Press-on Nail market.
Testes is in the ring. His tattoo looks like an eggbeater with a rolling pin crossing over. Maybe he likes to cook. The true mystery is how they tattooed over his zits without igniting pus explosions. raw958.jpg (13692 bytes)

Testes vs. Billy Butt. Testes wins.

raw959.jpg (15711 bytes) Flashback of the Arnold Schwarzenneger appearance on Smackdown. Stevie is the pro shit-faced-from-beer guzzler but Arnie is a novice. He just ends up with 'bitter beer face'. You know what's amazing? The fact that the 100th beer you drink is always the one that tastes the best.

People used to say that beer tastes like urine and we often ask, 'And how often do you taste urine??'

HHH vs. Kane with Vinnie doing commentary. X attacked Kane even before he started walking down the ramp. X is so small anyways, I figured Kane should have kept walking with an X-Bac-Pac on him. Shoo fly shoo, Kane may say.

HHH pounds on Kane and this causes Kane mask to be firmly placed in Triple Nads. God, you kids play so rough! I want IN!


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HHH then mushes Vinnie in the face which erupted the anger in Vinnie. Boy, HHH, you in trouble now. You really burst his bubble. Vinnie gets in the ring and he means business … and HHH decks him. Vinnie probably thought, 'Well, that's what I wanted to do.. My job is done.' Match over.

Garcia announces the Rock as 'The RACK!' To this day, I'm still waiting for boobs to bounce out happily to the ring.

JR calls the match and he contributed a flubbery that brought about an interesting visual. He said, 'The Rock follows the Rock into the sea of humanity.' If that was the case, Rock would just be going around in circles.

raw961.jpg (19031 bytes) Eventually, Rock gets a camera to perhaps take some Bossy beaver shots.  Thank the Gods that Rock doesn't know how to operate the camera. He was just a few seconds from having the film pop out, the batteries slide out and the flash to set his hair on fire which would make him the People's Tikki Torch.
The steel steps dropped onto Boss Man. Now THAT's a great looking rack!  So perky! Anyone with natural breasts know that if you're lying supine, they just spill into the armpits. If you're doggie-styled, the boobs look like 2 cones. They're like stalactites. Not as moist, though. raw962.jpg (21710 bytes)

Prince Chiaback runs in to interfere and Bossy wins the match which causes Rock to go out of control. JR screams, 'Rock's got the Bossman's dick!'

Oh geez. Nothing says psychotic like grabbing Bossman's dick. (He said 'nightstick'… BC) Yes, which is just a fancy alternative to 'dick'.

We drip so much sarcasm, I think this is the reason why we keep falling. It's slippery, you know.

Refs and Tom Pritchard run in to assist and OH! Pritchard cut his hair helmet!!! WHOA! WHY??! WHUH???!! He had that hair helmet for-friggin-ever!! He was BORN with that thing and he's decided to get rid of it NOW???!!

raw963.jpg (23554 bytes) Uh-oh. That would only mean that he went to confide in the Superficiality Crew at WWF who is keeping major tabs on Mad Phat. He wanted to be accepted by society as … a Tim Allen look-alike. Rock looked at him, 'Hey, Home Improvement dude! How do I deal with my sweaty toilet??'

Rock gives Pritchard the rock bottom. Without the power of the Magic Hair Helmet, he is reduced to a rock bottomed pile of flesh in the ring. The power of the Hair Helmet really can't be toyed with. Look at what happened to Samson!

Yo, don't listen to what WE have to say, dude! So what if we make fun of it. We do actually respect people who wear their trademarks with pride, whether it be a mullet, a hair helmet, saggy nipples or ass leeches ...

Now, Rock's spitting problem is a whole different story. Blow bubbles much?  raw964.jpg (16355 bytes)

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