BOOFalow, New York
Boy, them DX (pronounced 'Dicks'.. really, 'DX' is pronounced that way) are just darn mean. By the way, why hasn't Vince fired DX??
Oh no, could my wrestling world be shattered in a pile of raw sewage in front of me? Damn, this wrestling stuff ruins everything!
Shane, Testes and the Stooges are backstage and they MUST find Vince. Shane is the consummate leader as he barks out orders, 'Let's go let's gogogo! LET'S!!' What would have made him the UBER leader is if he let out a long, steady stream of hut-hut's.
Mankind and Al Snow vs. Bob and Crack Holly. Bob is angry that Walmart pulled the Al dolls off the shelves because the Holly doll was packaged with it. That, of course, means that Bobby Holly was pulled as well.
Hell, he's got to be the only man on this Earth right now who would bitch about being pulled.
In order for Al to get a closer look, he runs towards Bob and hits him. Hey, when else can you get a good clear look at a person than when they're sprawled on the floor unconscious? Try that the next time you wanna pick someone up at a bar. This would avoid those morning wake-up surprises in which you hear yourself screaming, 'OH MY GOD, he didn't look like THAT last night!' This would, of course, save you the expense of having to break your bedroom slipper all over his face.
Technically, picking someone up at a bar is a rather superficial thing to do in general. It IS a meat market and you're certainly not interested in knowing what they do for a living.
I didn't say there was anything wrong with that, as long as this fact can be distinguished, it's okay. Oh, and wear a raincoat.
The Hollys win.
Stooges, Testes and Shane desperately search for Vinnie. This sort of intense searching will always result in finding the searchee sitting on the can reading page 55 of Bigg'ns magazine feeling the consequences of a whole bag of Cheetos. That is when the ultimate wrestling move can be performed on the toilet, The Sit-Down Powerbomb. It's usually important to inform your friends before you enter the Poop Session of Seemingly No Return otherwise they'll put an APB out on you. By the time you get out of the bathroom, your ass is burning and your face is on a milk carton. Do NOT assume that they know just because you're toting 50 magazines with you.
Damn Cheetos, they ruin everything.
I guess we now dub this the Battle of the Big Heads match. Let's pray they don't headbutt each other. What would be worse is if they all got caught in a Headlock together.
Kurt talks about why Henry didn't come in first place in the Olympics. What's more shocking is the fact that I actually listened to what he said. Kurt assists by sharing with him his influence of the three I's: Intelligence, I Don't Know and I Don't Care. (See, I was listening.) We, of course, have our own three I's. Ice Pops, I Don't Know and I Don't Care. Actually, we're okay with just three Ice-pops if Jericho is on the telly.
Vince sees DX's limo and rams it with his car. JR screams that Vince has lost his mind. Well, he better go and find it. I don't think he'll be able to run the company without it. The only thing he'll probably be able to do is make raspberries with his mouth and clap his hands together like a seal. I really do hate losing my mind since it's so inconvenient. There are hoards of forms to fill out in order to get it back. Of course, you have to convince people that you HAD a mind to begin with.
Anyways, Vince perpetually rams the limo with his car. If he was horribly near-sighted, he would have drove past the car, backed up, missed it again, backed up, missed again, drove into a wall, and the air bag would engage. Good thing no one gave him a gun.
Vince then uses the ballbat and partakes in vehicular homicide. He's good at it. I think cars are going to eventually form an alliance to seek his termination. C.A.V.M. Cars Against Vince McMahon. I bet the last noise from that car was a weak, feeble 'fweep' of the horn.
Godfather vs. Jericho. Jericho calls the hoes ugly pigs and tells them to get out of his arena. The hoes soon find revenge when Chris ends up outside the ring by attacking him the way gay men would. They clawed and scratched at his body.
Gay men know how to get their jollies, huh?
Hey, if it was me, I would have rubbed and kneaded the hell out of him. I'd draw him closer to me by sucking him up through my nostrils. I'd suction myself against hisself. Hey, whatever it takes.
Smit (smit), v.i. 1. to impress favorably; enamor 2. to affect mentally, morally, or emotionally with a strong and sudden feeling 3. to deliver or deal (a blow) by striking hard.
Yes, I am in deep smit with Mr. Jericho.
The cops come to arrest Vinnie. Judging by the fact that they're all bald with wide, cop butt, they may not be actors. Considering there's not much of a difference between trucker butt and cop butt, they are either ... truckers or cops. Elementary, dear Bostin.
Cops take Vinnie away.
Damn, those werewolves and Ozzy ruin everything!
Edge and Christian vs. Dudley Boys.
Edge has a marketable shirt. I don't think they told him that there's a picture of a mantis on it. Tell me if I'm wrong but I think it would sell better if Edge's face was on it.
I was just testing you. I also wanted to see if you knew any WASP songs which would become the catalyst of the flourishing or demise of our friendship.
Poor Christian has to now muster all his pooting powers to try to shoot Edge's head out from his anus. I would start protesting, 'There's a Mantis in my pantis and I don't have to take this anymore!'
Rock and Cole pass by Mankind and Al. Rock tells Mankind that he didn't throw his book away. This makes Mankind very happy but Al despondent. Al and Mick together are like those two geeky guys that used to always hang out with each other in grade school. The two I remember from my school years were, unfortunately, named Ernie and Bert.
I mean, the cops are NEVER that nice to you..
Heh. Next scene please.
Bridal shower for Steph. Steph is given a pair of handcuffs (that's for Vinnie Mac) and a cat-o-nine tails (that's for Momma McMahon who actually takes it, 'Give me that, I need that.'). Meanwhile Mae is getting plastered.
Jeff Hardy vs. X-Pac. Wow, it's been over a year and we finally figured out which one was Jeff and Matt. Regardless, we shall always affectionately think of them as the boys who always break their asses.
DX interferes and X wins. Billy Butt took a grab at Terri Runnels and JR comments, 'He put his hands up her...' JR didn't finish the sentence so we'll have to resort to our immense intelligence to complete this mystery.
Obviously, he put his hands up.. her nose! That's a big nose. Or a little hand.
Vinnie is embarrassed that he has to be fingerprinted. I suppose he should have thought about that before he tried to kill a few people, huh?? Politics of criminals. Sometimes we wonder why someone who killed .. a man.. is so condemning towards a man who killed .. a child or a woman.
You KILLED, yes?
We're back at the bridal shower. Momma McMahon gives Steph a trip to Las Vegas. I reckon they should go to that strip bar that Mick and Al went to. Bring Mae with you. She seems to know how to party. If you end up with your face in cake or your lips kissing the floor or going down a flight of stairs head first, or almost dying like Jimi Hendrix, then you know how to party . stupidly.
The So Coo Mad Phat mobile had our two asses plastered in those seats for EIGHT hours (don't ask where we were driving from) when we finally made our way to Manhattan. At this point, we were loopy from road rage. We spot this bagel truck drive down the wrong way street, pass a red light and turn into ongoing traffic. To this, my short flared temperament had no choice but to scream out the window, 'WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING HURRY???!! YOU'RE DELIVERING BAGELS, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!!' I don't understand the haste that people feel the need to have. It's not like there were floating air biscuits in there about to explode.
As the match continues, Viscera comes out and goes after Tori. Of course Kane must save woman from large man with studs shaped like V on back of jacket. The 'V' obviously stands for.. Viscera. Thought I was gonna write 'Very Very Obese Garbage Bag Man', huh?
That's the rie-ko swayve (the American pronunciation of Rico Suave) mannequin model, by the way. I'm sure they make the beer guzzling, big assed, sloppy model but that one is just very hard to prop up considering the weight of the ass makes it fall over.
HHH is in the ring and he runs footage of Vinnie ramming the DX limo. HHH addresses McMahon, 'If you're shitting in jail right now..' I reckon he will eventually have to do that but I think that's a rather personal issue. How rude. How would you like clients calling you at your office only to have your secretary say, 'Oh he's on the can. Cheetos casualty..'
HHH continues, 'I sent your ass to the HOKIE..' That's POKIE, you imbecile!! Hokie is the way you dress, stupid! Maybe Vince is doing the Hokie Pokie in the cell. Boredom will make one do some pretty insane things from booger eating to belly lint searches to the hokie pokie.
HHH continues (I reckon by now he would have given up talking all together), 'When you're ass up, face down in your cell tonight..' Doesn't everyone sleep that way? That enables you to blow your nocturnal farts straight up to the air instead of being trapped in your sheets and mattress. Shane comes out to tell HHH that he will wrestle Vinnie at Armageddon and both Acolytes later this evening.
Venis & Bulldog vs. Too Cool. Since Bulldog accidentally smacked Venis' head with Scott Taylor's foot (that's a strange and macabre visual), Venis decided to leave. The Posse run in to help Bulldog, which prompts Rakishi (formerly Fatu Ass) to assist. It must be pretty cool when someone asks Rakishi what his gimmick is and he can reply, 'My fat ass.'
Well.. alright! If it gets a reaction, YOUR GIMMICK it will be!
Vince is being taken to his cell. They want Vince's coat, which 'has valuables in it.' Damn right, those tic tacs are essential. He's going to need those to make his way through the jail term. The last thing convicts want is to kiss a man with horrible breath. To make matters worse, the toilet in the cell has no SEAT! Well, he'll know how women feel each time they practically dunk their ass into a toilet bowl with a seat that a MAN left up.
Road Dogg vs. Testes with Shane as special ref. Testes is announced as 282 lbs. Yes, that's the weight of his penis, but what about the rest of him?
Testes gives Dogg the pump handle slam as well as the thrust and Testes wins the match. Ah, all in a day's work. First he rapes them, then he pins them. Dogg may have screamed, 'You could have at least used the KY!'
Bossy and Prince Albert vs. Rock. Everytime Rock starts his, 'FINALLY...' his voice is hoarse and low. Can we say DRAG QUEEN? Anyways, Mick eventually comes out to tag with Rock while Al watches the action on the monitor in the back.
Someone posted bail for Vinnie so he gets his jacket back. He better make sure no one stole the tic tacs out of his pocket. He better count every single one of them.
HHH vs. Acolytes. Acolytes have new music with a guitar solo of .. one string. That's do-able. An entire guitar solo can actually be played by just plucking one string. Just make sure you have the whammy bar, distortion pedal, strong fingers, hard head oh, and a recording of the guitar solo in the tape deck.
It says, 'WRESTLE'.
Irate Vince returns from jail, attacks HHH and throws him off the stage area. Well who wouldn't be pissed after spending time in a jail cell with no toilet seat and a cameraman on watch outside who won't let you urinate in peace.
Smackdown snippet: The Thanksgiving food fight will go down in history as one of the most hilarious segments ever. From Mr. Simmons hitting someone with a turkey leg, to Edge carrying the turkey by its legs, to Dark Hard Boy valiantly getting knocked down while still holding onto the turkey leg shows what we knew all along. Wrestling is fun.