By Chokee Slam

Staples Arena in the city of lost angles.

Don't let a huge staple remover raid that arena otherwise it's going down like a bitch.

Big Show enters the ring. Oh, he doesn't have the Big Braid anymore. He's let his hair loose like a Wella Balsam commercial. Considering he's had that braid for months, I reckon his hair is permanently permed right now. To make matters worse, he has a huge bandage on his elbow. Damn those pimples, they ruin everything! A Big Man can only produce Big Blimples.

Garcia is dressed up in a blue gown, ready for the wedding ceremony. Hey, why doesn't Wight have a gown? Just deflate the Nestle blimp and he can wear that. No team spirit, that guy.

Kane enters with Tori. Kane does the pyros and ah-HAH, I see that Tori took my advice and went through the 2-step 'How to Score' classes as her hands were all over his backside. Her technique is not entirely complete though. Her leg should have been lifted and the hot buns should have been kneaded.

Oh, this is family television, right?

Next time, try for the familiar warrior/ damsel pose on the Big Red Love Machine. You know, the one where the damsel drapes and clings onto a leg while looking lovingly up at her hero, who has his hands on his hips and head cocked in .. cockiness with cliffhanger music playing in the background. Knowing Tori, she'd probably miss her cue and remain latched onto the meaty leg while wrestling commences.

Big Show and Kane vs Viscera and Big Boss Man. During BB Man's entrance, both Show and Kane stand in the ring, watching as he walks down the ramp. The glare alone from those two should have caused BB Man to spaz unflatteringly down the ramp.

I was also expecting Kane to immediately turn to Show ... and start throwing rapid fire punches at him. By the way, Show, there's no need to suck your gut in anymore. Your dunlap belly is not a well kept secret.

During this match, X-Pac hits Kane with the chair, enabling Viscera to get the win. Prince Chia-Back materialized into this scene somehow but fret not, readers. I'm a trooper and can easily follow along with any storyline twists.

Show does both Princey and Bossy a favor by.. feeling for their temperature. 'EEEEEEE! You guys have a fever..' Just like hiccups, he figured he'd scare the fever out of them with the patented Ugly Face maneuver.

Meanwhile, X is giving Kane the crotch chop and then .. touches his own ass. This is usually an act performed when you find that your panties go rogue aka Ass Eats Underwear Syndrome.

A slight brush of the hand against the buttocks is one obscure way to maneuver botched up panties. Another method, which doesn't even require the use of hands at all, is the obscure squat and sidle.

Any female who has had her panties wedged up her ass is familiar with this technique. You basically continue walking as if all is normal in the cosmos, but you put a little more emphasis in how you sashay or strut in hopes that your buttcheeks will release its undies death grip. Sometimes it works. Sometimes you need to ask a friend to block the view so you may extract wedgie on your own. If you are with Bostin, you may as well just leave it up your butt.

Let me tell all about a little wedgie extracting story. One day I was in a supermarket AND sporting a mean wedgie so I told Bostin to stand in a position to block the viewing audience from my panty extracting activity. She blocked the view alright .. for A second for it is my belief that some Entenmann's brownies in adjacent aisle beckoned her over. I extracted the wedgie though, only to find that I was in full view of ... the Deli Man. I was, of course, expecting someone to announce over the intercom, 'We need some assistance in aisle four… Mad wedgie in aisle four..'

The plus side is that I got free potato salad from Mr. Deli Man. I wonder what I would have gotten if I fixed my bra.

Tori runs into the ring to assist Kane but X spits at her. That must have been some powerful spit because she almost fell backwards as she clutched her eye. 'MY EYE!!' she may have screamed. That spit would give Alien a run for its acidic money.

Then again, maybe she's exclaiming, 'OH GOD, my mascara isn't waterproof!!' Hey girl, be happy it's not one of Jericho's spaghetti shaped spits. That thing would have entered the eye and exited the back of the head. X then kicked Tori.

Kane seemed oblivious to the happenings as he just sat up on the mat. Aw, he looks like a little boy who just woke up. 'Well, let's see.. I was wrestling.. yeah, I remember that.. next thing I know, Gilligan konked me out.. mm.. my .. little .. buddy, huh?'

Hey, you keep your little buddy, your little firestarter, to yourself or your wife, okay? (Hey, what's Tori got to say about that.. a wife, huh??? BC)

Recap of the Testes/ Stephanie romance where he accepted her proposal. In other words, 'Yes, I will be Mr. Brewster, Mr. Punky Brewster. Just back up the Brinks truck, okay?'

DX comes out. We see X's hand behind HHH in a 'OH DIP, I'm about to fall' gesture. We are all too familiar with that hand gesture. The next thing you know, you see both your feet in front of your eyes before your ass hits the ground.

HHH speaks. X seems especially giddy tonight. It's an insane sort of giddy, a 'something's gone wrong' giddy. The kind of giddy where your eyes are bulging, glazed over, and you find yourself first chuckling slightly before it escalates to a hyena cackle. He either lost the Energy contract or… he left the milk out.

HHH got a temporary order of protection against Vinnie, who cannot come within 50 feet of him. HHH says that Vince can't even throw a rock 50 feet. Well of course not, you know how much the Rock AND his ego weighs. He's also got that sweating problem which must add another 100 pounds to him.

Dogg does a little play at mocking Vinnie throwing something. That is actually a very bonafide faggish throw. He seems to do it so well that even Butt is surprised. Either that or Butt is thinking, 'Hey, I throw like that... what are you saying.. heeey..' Actually, Dogg is doing his John Belushi as Joe Cocker impression. It won't be long before he falls to the mat and start rocking on his chest.

HHH shows the footage from last week of Vinnie ramming their car. Vince was yelling, 'Come on, bring the game!!' ALRIGHT! Get the Shoots and Ladders! Better yet, the ever sensible TRAVEL Operation or Travel Spyrograph. Good grief, marketing geniuses, huh?

HHH says that there will be no wedding tonight. JR asks, 'What he mean by that?' Correct me if I'm wrong but he MAY mean .. tonight.. this night.... the night currently .. the wedding?? NOT. There? EH-EH! No gown, no tux, no flowers.. NO. Wedding = no. Here = nay. Negative. Nein. Nil. As the Japanese say, Ii-eh!

Did I help any?

Vince comes out and confirms that HHH DOES need protection and that no one will interfere in the wedding. If anyone does, Vince will fire their ass. So, he's going to light a flame to their butt. Some word of advice, Vince, if a fart escapes, move hand from firing range ... real fast like. I certainly hope I've helped Vinnie also.

Hard Boys with Terri vs. Edge and Christian. Lawler recollects on their ever memorable ladder match at No Mercy, saying, 'They did unimaginable things to each other..' One of the most unimaginable was Edge sticking his head up Christian's butt, of course. Otherwise some of the leaps and falls were pretty horrifying.

At one point, Dark Hard Boy flew from the ring, landing on the cameraman. This is of course, cameraman cam. A mighty good cameraman he is, for in spite of the casualty (or pleasure) of having a wrestler land on him, he was able to capture an exclusive shot of .... Christian standing sideways! Does he have suction cups on his feet? He's like Spiderman.

Christian Man. Whoa, psycho devout Christians are probably the most dangerous people on this Earth. I can't imagine having a superhero leading the way.

Edge seem to have gone loopy again. He performs the flying fellatio but in actuality, he's looking to have someone wedge their head up his ass. He wants to know what the head-in-anus hoopla is.. and why should Christian be the only one to savor those feelings.

Edge and Christian won.

Summerslam commercial. You know, we could have let this memory eventually dwindle and fade away but they had to bring it up again. I am, of course, talking about Austin getting caught in the ropes. There's his foot again. This makes us believe that Austin isn't actually going to have neck surgery. He's going under the knife to repair his pride.

Chyna comes out, with thumb and wrist bandaged. Looks like a mouse hand casualty to me. She gets the mic and says, 'You know Chris Jericho..' Yes indeed, we do know Chris Jericho which has allowed us to know the true pleasure of ICE POPS!

Jericho's footage plays .... hey, the footage says it's some dude named RIC.  HEY! Who the hell is Ric? And WHERE'S JERICHO??!

Chyna wants to challenge Chris but after Chyna conked Chris on the noggin with a hammer on Smackdown, Chris doesn't wanna. It seems that the hammer shot affected Chris' speech. He said, 'Well there's nothing more that I would do than to love to come to that ring.. ' Apparently he was afflicted with Extrawords-itis.

That's alright. The point got across, right?? That's the way American society feels about the English language as a means of communication. As long as THEY understand what they're saying, it's OKAY to make no sense to anyone else.

Chris said he had a concussion as well as a horrible Thanksgiving. Yo, you had it back in October, you Cannuck, so why are you blaming Chyna? It's also not her fault if your momma can't cook a turkey. Hell, if it's any consolation to your momma, Bostin and I tried making a turkey once requiring the assistance of a calculator to figure out how long to cook it. Let's see, it was a 20lb bird, and at 15 minutes per pound.. we calculated that it would be ready in... 10 hours.

Needless to say, we had a lovely Peking Duck Thanksgiving dinner at the local Chinese take-out place.

I hate Thanksgiving. (But you love yams... BC) Yes indeed. Wham bam thank you yam.

Oh Chris is whining that he also couldn't play with his.... of course I was waiting for him to say, his little Ayatolla of Rock and Rolla, his little Liontamer, the little Mamma Jamma (that is most obscene of them all). He said he couldn't play with his children. Oh, is that what you call your nuts and sausage? Everyone has different pet names for their sexual organs. There's nothing wrong with that. For Chris, it should be called the Liontamer and his two Cubs. (His 'children' can also be those little things swimming around in his nads.. BC)

Boy this society is going down to hell and I guess I'm leading the way as the Pied Piper. (Hey, nice flute.... BC) Ya like my tights??

Kitty comes out to help him 'chill out' with a fire extinguisher.

Jericho ends up with Blech face. No matter what you do, Chris, there is no cure for my terminal case of Smit.

Not even your Popeye impression will reverse my chronic condition. By the way, good thing he's so fat that he can't button up his shirt.. otherwise I wouldn't have the priviledge of looking smittingly at his two smit-like pecs like melons. Goshdarn internet rumors, they ruin everything (but give me much material).

Godfather with his hoes wearing jack-myself-up shoes. I'm waiting for one of the hoes to trip and roll down the ramp like a bowling ball and knock all the other hoes down like pins. It could happen.... if I was there to push her, of course. The tall platform boots are better since there's more ankle support.

GF vs. Steve Blackman. Blackman won.

Now for something entirely interesting. Acolytes are playing cards with the Dudley Boys. Bradshaw sharks that he and Mr. Coo don't play cards much. At this point, he should have shuffled and dealt the cards like the God of Gamblers.

At Steph's party, they're all trying to dance. What did I tell you about white people and dancing? That is the ultimate contemporary oxymoron. People get hurt, you know. See, Mae is seizing up already.

Too Cool with Rakishi vs. the Hollies. Hey, titantron footage shows Bob Holly's name as 'Hard'. 'Hello, my name is Hard.. and this is my tag team partner, the little doppelganger of Freakishness, Semi.. as in Semi Rigid. I nickname him Softee.'

Too Cool wins and they do their silly cabbage patch and buttock dance with Rakishi. Goofy.

Hey, they hired Brian Austin Greene for the bachelorette party. You all know who he is. He played David from Beverly Hills 90210. He was dating Fish Face, Donna played by Tori Spelling. Anyways, I wouldn't know anything about that, I never watched that show.

Okay, he's the janitor/ dancer they hired. They must have plucked him right out of the popular dance floors of the building's basement. Anyways, he bends way over to get his pants off and I mean he bends WAY over... and ... Oh boy, I think he's stuck.

Any second now, he's going to scream, 'OH!! MY BACK! MY BACK!! DAMN, I'M STUCK. THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS TO ME! SOMEONE GET ME MY CHIROPRACTOR! The number is in my back pocket.. OH THE HOLY NAME OF JESUS, GET ME MY CHIROPRACTOR!!'

Hyuk.

As he dances, he exudes so much... gayness. Moo and Maelah take him away to do things with him. Dirty nasty things, I'm sure, like an unchaste game of bingo. (Strip shuffleboard... BC)

Testes is getting ready for his match. He must be wondering, 'No one got me a male stripper for my party. Poopies.' Okay, maybe he didn't say, 'Poopies.'

HHH vs Testes. HHH holds his arms up and .. hey dude, if you can't stand the smell of your own armpits, don't lift your arms up. Is it just me? Isn't that common sense?

The special ref for this match is someone wearing a Vinnie mask. HHH should have just smacked him across the mask and that thing would have spun around.

Vinnie Mask and Shane interferes and Test wins. JR even admits that HHH got screwed. Well, was it at least a good screw?

Back to the party. The bartender convinces Steph to have a final drink. Can we say Obvious Rufies Case?

Backstage, HHH is telling the cops that it was Vinnie in the Vince mask. Hey, nice to see that Gillberg has moved into the law enforcement profession. He looks intently at HHH, taking his job oh-so-seriously, trying to listen to every word HHH has to say .. but probably can't get past the booger that's flying in and out of his nose. Those things are always distracting.

Cole is in the ring. He talks about the Gravy Boat match where Ivory ripped the shirt off the busty EMT chick. Her name is .. Barbara Bush. At least her name wasn't Harry Bush. Bush comes out, says how humiliating it was to have her shirt ripped off so she challenges Ivory to an evening gown match ... so she can feel the embarrassment of having that ripped off her. In spite of what people think, there is a difference between getting an evening gown ripped off as opposed to just a shirt.

Mm.

Ivory comes in and figures they should get it on right there. Ivory rips Bush's shirt off again.

The police are questioning Vince. Patterson says that Vince was in the bathroom and says, 'Can't you smell it?' Wall to wall stink, I bet.

Venis vs. Ankle. We're more interested in that anemic kid in the audience. Good grief, someone give him a steak or something.

With all the PTC controversy, JR mentions his encouragement for free speech. I will certainly participate and stand up for free speech as I proudly scream, 'FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUdge!' See, y'all thought I was going to say 'Fuck'.

Hey, through my history with AOL, I certainly know about censorship based on cryptic rulings and favoritism. When you dig deep, you'll discover that the 'righteous' people really have no clue how to run their own lives. The basic rule is that if you can't handle your own faults in your own life, you MUST try to tell OTHER people what to do, how to think, what to listen to, and point out all THEIR faults (even if they are similar to your own faults) and RULE their lives because your own is spiraling out of control and it hurts, it hurts hurts hurts your ego to think of yourself as a failure.

Oh, back to the match. Everytime Venis tries one of those pins, he looks like he's driving the dude and riddled with wrestler rage. That is just a perverted move .. one that he seems to be enjoying quite a bit. Now if I was in Kurt's position and Jericho was in Venis' position, things would be heavenly in the world.

I categorize all this perverted talk as Healthy Lust, by the way. See, I don't have delusions that if I meet him, he'll fall madly in love with me. I don't have delusions that I will fall madly in love with him if I meet him either. What I do know is that I can, at least, carry on a conversation with 'superstars' because they are, after all, human beings.

Bulldog interferes and Ankle wins.

NAO and X-Pac enter. X shows us his martial arts prowess by getting into Karate Kid position. Now do the Snake.. the Crab... the Monkey... the Mantis (oh, that's Edge's martial arts technique) and of course, The Beatles (Wayne's World rules).

Dogg really puts a lot of lung into his 'Champions of the Wooooorld' speech.  My, I think he's going to actually excrete his lung after he falls backwards and plops onto the mat.

They go against Kane, Mankind and Rock. Al Snow is watching the action on the monitor in the back. Since Al sincerely cared about his buddy, Mick, he runs into the match, hits DX with Head and .. DX wins by DQ. Rock is annoyed about the loss and gives Al the smelly elbow.

The following signage sums up our reaction to the smelly elbow: SO. Dudleys and Acolytes are still playing cards. After Bubba says, 'I'll take f-f-f-.... one card,' Brad looks at the card, puts in back into the deck and gives Bubba another card. They all obviously work really well together.

Bridesmaids and Momma McMahon are all gawking at Stephanie in awe. Dammit, she forgot to put her underwear on, didn't she. I was waiting for Momma to say, 'Uh.. honey, that top is SHEER. In the least, you should have shaved or grew more hair around the nipples, to kinda hide it.' Steph would retaliate, 'Well look atchoo, mom, with your dunlap back flap.'

Ah, weddings are a wonderful thing, where families are joining together in love and respect... and hairy nipples.

Oh geez.

The poker game with Acolytes and Dudleys continue. Bubba bets all his change as well as D-Von's glasses. Mr. Coo says, 'Look at this foo..' Mr Simmons is just so coo.

Bubba shows his hand... '6 aces!' Hey you should shark them the way I did. I innocently asked everyone around me, 'Say, what does it mean if you have all cards with the same suit but in no particular order??' Someone said, 'That's a flush,' and everyone folded. Of course, I didn't even HAVE a flush, but that's beside the point.

Chokee = Shark. (We're gonna need a bigger boat... BC)

Anyways, a fight ensues between Acolytes and Dudleys and it seems that Mr. Coo's cigar got maimed the most. Hey, the common rules about fighting is 1) You take your glasses off and 2) You remove any and all things from orifices.

In the least, Serial Hugger Garea got the inverted hug on Bubba. The night is never complete unless Garea gets a good hug otherwise he'd roam the dark streets in order to fulfill his deadly fix. Many innocent people have been erroneously hugged already.

The bridesmaids are being escorted by various wrestlers. One of them is named .. Mamby Bam Bam?? (I thought I heard Bambi Bam Bam... BC). We'll just call it an even Mamby Pamby.

Shane comes out with Momma as someone in the audience sounded the horn. Of course, poo-poo humor must always be embraced therefore, when a horn sounds, make a fart joke out of it. 'MA! Couldn't you take care of that backstage?? Geez, I saw your dress fly up in the back!'

Testes comes out to his own entrance theme. (I know when I get married, I'm going to walk down the aisle to my own theme music and video package.. Joel)

It was evident how Testes felt about getting married as he was sweating like the Rock does when he's standing motionless in front of an air conditioner. Here's the typical, 'Holy shit, I'm getting married' face.  I guess he'll be wringing out that tux throughout the whole honeymoon. How romantic.

The minister couldn't really speak too well. I thought I heard him say, 'throw out all their lives,' and 'help me.' Mm..

To make it more douche-chilling than it already is, we get the singing duet who are practically breaking every duet law there is. They're not even looking lovingly into each others' eyes, they weren't holding their microphones, they're interracial.. and he's not Teddy Pendergrass. (And she's not Marilyn McCoo... BC) Coo Coo Kachoo.

Testes eyes rolled back, 'Geez, they couldn't even get Peaches and Herb.' Maybe they should have gotten the singer from Hangnail. It would have been less painful.

Anyways, HHH does show up.. and he shows footage of him marrying a drugged Stephanie. Silly goofy. How could the WWF be so silly goofy, they've always been sooooo serious.. I mean.. Austin hitting Vinnie over the head with a bedpan, that is some serious shit. Mr. Socko?? Worthy of a drama award.

Sheesh.