By Chokee Slam

Worcester, MA

By the way, I'd like to note that on the Mad Phat index page, our calendar lists a Raw Report for December 15, 1999 placed in the December 1, 1999 slot. 'BC,' I said, 'BC, how did I do that? I am truly amazing if I am able to predict a Raw show 15 days before it happened as WELL as on a day that it wouldn't even be shown! I truly am amazing if not prophetic. And if I was so prophetic, why the hell didn't I let me know??'

Psychic friends, move over, there's a new psychic in town!

NAO come out. Who woulda thunk but I think Butt is actually ... gayer than usual.

NAO vs. Too Cool with Rakishi. Signage:  Rikishi Is Too Cool. Of course, not knowing how to spell is not cool. Not doing any research to FIND OUT how to spell something puts you on the lowest rung of the Ignoramus Ladder. This dude would probably mess up spelling 'Bob'.

I'm assuming that Rakishi is Too Cool's valet now. (I wanna see him in a mini skirt... BC) Don't you think the thong is enough??

Anyways, with Road Dogg and Brian Christopher in the ring, there's entirely too much dancing going on during this match. Notice that I didn't say 'good dancing'. Well, whatever you guys do, just don't let Billy Butt on the dance mat. I bet he would resort to doing the Molly Ringwald dance. If anyone remembers Breakfast Club, they will remember the Molly Ringworm Dance. It's a typical sort of hop kick stomp of the left foot, then hop kick stomp of the right foot. Then you snap the fingers and kinda wag the head. Then you repeat all of the above until your hair gets messed up, spit flies out of your mouth and someone clocks you one for dancing that way or when the music stops, whichever comes first.

Believe it or not, It's a dance that is easier done than described.

The Hollies interfere in the match and it's a mess.

Stephanie has arrived. Cool, she brought the script with her. She takes good care of it because it contains every single thing she has to do this evening. For starters, it says, 'Get out of limo... close door... and then... walk.' Okay, she's doing alright so far.

Mankind is in the ring. He says, 'I just wanna take a second..'

..... Okay, your second is over but because you are Mick, we shall let you continue. He wants to thank the audience for making his book number one. I hope he knows that people just bought the book because it was pretty, not necessarily to read it, let alone understand it. I think they bought it to keep that lopsided couch straight.

Just kidding. Actually I'd like to promote the Dynamite Kid's book. Go to www.dynamitekid.com to order. This dude punished his body during his wrestling career as well but isn't as lucky as Mick in reaping the rewards from the world of professional wrestling.

Mick shows footage of Al attacking Rock some time last week. Mick then says, 'Let's get him in here right away.'  But what if he's on the can? There are certain things that you can't perturb and one of them is a necessary bowel movement.

Al comes out and his hair seems darker than usual. Ah-HAH! That is a positive indication of turning evil! Hopefully he doesn't become full fledged evil because that means warts, pus and bubbling stuff will appear on the skin surface. I do like this Al character more. It's a character with stronger emotions, albeit anger, jealousy, pain and confusion but aren't those the feelings that the majority of society can relate to?

Al shows us what true evil looks like as he ... sticks his tongue out. He reminds me of King Diamond, considering he's got the backmasked words on his forehead and his eyebrows are remarkably low. Great portrayal there, Al. I applaud and hold up a Vienna Finger in your honor.

Mm, Vienna fingers.

Al says that he helped Mick throughout his aches and pains and the audience doesn't care a lick about him, especially the Rock.

We care! We do! Oh look, there's some odd illustration signage: It's a portrait with half of Rock's face and half of Austin's face. It's Raustin. (The Stone Cold Rock... BC) The People's Big Bald Rattlesnake. (Know your roll, jackass... BC)

Mick says that Rock and Sock were good but Al and Mick ... sucked. Hey, just because you guys kept losing matches and Al kept crying and all doesn't mean .... that ... ah well. Who am I kidding.

Anyways, Al says that he will find a partner tonight to challenge Rock and Sock and to seal the deal, Al sticks his tongue out again. Maybe he had a bit of chocolate on his chin or something. (Here, let me help you with that, Al... BC)

MMMM.. the forbidden chocolate. Pardon me, since I had just gotten over the crimson tide. I bled like a stuck pig, therefore dubbing myself The Queen Of Hardcore.

Yes, I know, that was more information than you needed to know.

Al confesses that he threw the book in the trash. Mick thinks, 'Well, whattaya know bout dat. Dis guy is just pure evil. He's King Diamond evil. Wasp evil. Gulp... Julie Andrews evil.'

Backstage, Vince is with Steph. She wants to make sure that Vinnie knows that SHE will handle the HHH situation on her own. YEAH! If there is anyone on this Earth that knows every nook and cranny about revenge, it's women. Never mess with a chick. She's liable to burn HHH's pubes off and tattoo Billy Butt's name on his penis.

Someone in the audience lets out a wolf whistle. That's for Vinnie Mac, of course. (And his pompadour.. BC) Hey, Vince is a stud. His money is so damn attractive.

Hard Boys with Terri enter the ring. By the way, we still wonder why Terri is with them. She doesn't really do anything. She doesn't interfere in the matches and has no angle either. Speaking of...

Here comes the man whose only Angle is in his name, Kurt. Boy, can his head be any more attached to his shoulders? God ran out of neck parts that one specific day of creation, I suppose. These things tend to happen. Sometimes He runs out of fingers, toes, and arms. Sometimes He accidentally gives people more limbs than they really need.

Kurt talks about how he is successful because of the three I's. Of course, those are his left Eye, the right Eye.... and that brown Eye.

ICKIE!

His tag partner is Steve Blackman who comes out on the stage wielding his mini light sabers. He's wielding them like he hasn't wielded them in ages. Use the Dork, Luke, I mean Steve, use the Dork.

Well, as I look at my watch, I see that he has been doing his lightsaber show (where's the Pink Floyd music, at least?) for a good 10 minutes.  Hey, dude, are you going to get into the ring??!

Chances are, after the audience leaves, he'll still be on that stage. The clean-up crew will be sweeping around him as he's still pretending to be Luke Skywalker with the midget sabers.

Hey, Steve is probably about to scream, 'I can't stop!!!! I didn't learn that part at the Lightsaber Dojo!! My Darth Sensei never taught me! HEEEELP!!'

Okay, Blackman finally makes his way down the ramp. His Titantron footage is interrupted with a black and orange symbol. It's supposed to be Taz's symbol but I think they should have put in a subliminal shot of .. a meatball. Anyone who has read the Mad Phat article 'If Wrestlers were Food', knows that I think Taz is like a meatball. Rumors say that he has slimmed down some. This would mean that he's not his usual round self and is perhaps more oblong in shape. I may have to start calling him the Meatloaf.

Heh, I almost wrote Meatload. That is disgusting.

The match finally starts. Jeff's wearing his aluminum shirt. He can store left-overs in himself. He's like the Left-Over Hard Boy. (Just don't put him in the microwave.. BC) Oh no.. he'll pop, make odd fizzing noises and eventually explode.

Blackman swings Matt towards the rope, who bounces off, runs towards Black Man ... and ... hits the mat. Okay, maybe he was going to tie Black Man's shoe laces?

Well, one bizarre act deserves another so Black Man figured he'll play along as he partakes in performance art! He's the letter F!

Black Man then gets the steroid toothpick out  and I think I heard him say to Ankle, 'Kurt honey, I got the stick.' Okay, maybe he didn't say 'stick'. The Ankle and The Black Man win.

HEEEY, Cheating isn't part of the three I's, you know. If it was, it would be 'I I I C'. That is, of course, the sound we make when we have to watch Ankle and Black Man on the telly.

Stephanie is heading to DX's room. She's still got her script so I'm sure she'll carry this scene just fine. The script says, 'Hold script to bosom... knock on door. Wait for someone to answer door before you say anything.'

Okay... things are moving smooth like Ex-Lax so far.

She speaks to HHH while X-Pac is cracking up in the background. Her lines read, 'I always wanted to say.... I always wanted to say... I think your friend is cute. I used to love the 1-2-3 Kid. I really wanted to change the diaper for him and powder his butt after he lost that Crybaby match against Razor Ramon.'

Indeed.

Actually she wants HHH to sign annulment papers. For crying out loud, Steph, you're putting women to shame. You don't know how to avenge! Seek out Lorainna Bobbitt and she shall lead the way..... the way to the video store for you to rent out 'I Spit On Your Grave'.

Anyways, HHH and X are laughing at her because they keep suggesting that she goes to the showers. Hey, what are you saying about her body odor? How rude. At least X is having a grand ole time. 'OH that's just a knee slapper! Hwaaar! BOY am I stoned!'

Steph is about to leave but HHH stops her. He says that he will, in the least, look at the papers. Still, he wants to know if she wants to shower. Ah, go ahead and do it. Just stand under his nose and you're guaranteed to not get wet.

Venis vs. D'Lo. Say, now that the WWF theme restaurant is open, we will eventually stop by and give our little review of the event. Maybe I'll order the D'Lo Brownies. Since the prices are probably incredible jacked up, I'll have to order the Jobber Meal. That would, of course, consist of white bread with a shred of lettuce served on a paper towel, with a cup of tap water complete with germs, chlorine, mercury, copper, bad tastes and odors and loaded with lead! No ice.

Then I would have to try the Stone Cold Jelly Rolls with Little Debbies on the side. THEN I'd try the Testes Tube Steak with a side order of Keilbasa. THEN two HUGE Vinnie Mac Grapefruits and of course, the Boston Crab Cream Pie.

I can't wait.

The Posse and Bulldog run into this match to interfere. Okay, everyone HIT RODNEY!! Oh well, they just beat up on Venis and D'lo.

Rock and Mick are yapping in their locker room. Rock is sporting a black turtle neck which prompts us to think that he's going to say to Mick, 'Would you like to touch my monkey ass? This is the time on Sprockets when we dance.' Then they would dance.

Godfather vs. Prince Albert. Some wolf boy in the audience kept popping up. He has to be Prince Chia's relative. Okay, okay, the kid was wearing a mask but this was an obvious mistake.

Godfather wins and when the hoes start spilling into the ring, one of them decides to be a show off and do the bimbo limbo.

We get a shot of the venue. There's one lone dude going up the escalator. Boy, he is sooo late for the show, isn't he. You'd better hurry and run up the escalator. What's worse is if he has general admission tickets. He may as well just sit outside then.

HHH comes out carrying roses and stands over the underlighting. This gives full definition to the term, 'unflattering light.' I'm trying to figure out which horror movie monster he resembles. Lon Chaney?? (He's an actor, not a monster... BC) That is, of course, your opinion.

Hey, instead of calling himself the Game, which is pretty general and unspecific, he should add a little more individuality to it. He can be HHH, The Parchese. Bring on the The Candyland.

HHH says to the audience, 'I know how you feel about me.. you know how I feel about you.' In summation, he knows how they feel, they know how he feels, they all know how they feel, eventually they'll feel him.. and it'll be one big orgy. There's a lot of feeling going on in the WWF therefore it is of utmost, vital importance that I be a part of it. My hands are ready in boob-grope mode.

Steph comes out, chucks the bouquet into the audience. Great, I bet someone has a thorn impaled in his eye now. She says that she hopes Vince cripples HHH at Armageddon. Armageddon, the PPV extravaganza which will be aired LIVE on December 12, Sunday. Check your local listings and order by calling 1-800...

Now if Vince beats HHH, the wedding is annulled. If HHH beats Vince, HHH will get a title shot. Vince then comes out and growls, 'I'm going to beat your ass from heaven all the way down to hell..' Cool, the finish of the match will be in .. New Jersey!

HHH seals the deal by kissing Steph as Vince watches in shock. He is just appalled! Damn it, HE wanted that deep tongue-down-your-throat kiss! Steph, on the other hand, is disgusted. Perhaps it's because all she tasted was his nose. Geez, that nose gets in the way of everything. Damn, that nose ruins everything!

Ooh.. Resident Evil Part 2 commercial. I don't see anything threatening about those zombies. Hell, see that chick? That's what I look like every morning right before I settle my lifeless head down on the table and grumble, 'I shouldn't even BE here today!'

Those look like my co-workers heading to the coffee pot. 'Must have caffeine.... caffeeeeeine.. I can smell your caffeeeeine!'

There's my boss.. about to grab some boob. OH! (That looks like a bad date... BC)

Anyways, we get a recap of the kiss between HHH and Steph. JR states that 'Vince had to watch her being kissed without her will..' Who is Will?? And is there any reason why he should be in that scene? I don't think he was inked into the script. Is it a new character?? When do we see his vignette? When? Why? Who? Whuh??

Bob Holly vs. Rakishi with Too Cool doing special commentary. This was a pretty quick match as Rakishi got the win after crash landing his huge Mother Ass Ship on Holly's chest. That's the sit-down powerbomb, yes? Am I right? Am I close?

Cole calls in Barbara Bush. Before Bush could even say, 'bluh,' Ivory comes in. Ivory is one of the best mic workers the WWF has got. Hell, with all that cheesy experience she got from GLOW, I'd be disappointed if she didn't have a sense of humor. Jacqueline then walks down the ramp. She looks to the audience, 'Whatchoo talkin' bout, Willis..'

Jac gets the mic. Oh for the love of all that is euphonious, DON'T let her speak!! Damn, she hurts our ears. She said to Ivory, 'I already kicked your ass at the grammy bowl match.' GRAMMY bowl? I'd have to say that I have momentary lapses of memory but I know for sure that I did not see any match that contained a bowl full of grammies. Nope, no grammies rolling around in their geritol or nothing.

Ivory wants to know WHO the fourth contender is. Chyna comes out and volunteers Kitty. Of course Kitty protests because she says she doesn't wear underwear! Then what's that  panty and bra thing she's sporting on her body?? Oh never mind. Whatever.

Ivory looked shocked at that comment. It's that look of shock and disgust that you get when you walk into a womens' bathroom and realize that some women, though not equipped with a penis, are still able to shoot their urine everywhere else except for the bowl.

Anyways, Ivory looked at her like, 'OH! You don't wear underwear? And you were hanging out by the deli trays! I let you sit on my seat!! YOU drove my car!!'

Kane with Tori. The announcer announces, 'Weighing in at 326 pounds....' is TORI! Am I right? Am I close? Hell, those silicone sacs can get pretty hard and weighty, you know.

Kane and Testes vs. HHH and X-Pac. Now that X has lost his Energy contract, he has nothing else to do but.. kick his heels together? Simmer down there, Sparky.

Of course HHH has no idea that his little buddy behind him is hopping around back there pretending to be Monkey Boy. Oh well. Everyone knows, when one is stoned, there's nothing that you WOULDN'T do. Hopping around like a monkey is rather tame in comparison to ... doing things like rolling around the floor in cat nip or smoking cat nip.

As X performs his Monkey Cabaret, Testes passes the time away by fixing his hair. Ah, Vidal Sassoon, if I don't look good, then you don't look good. Eventually someone shines the brights in his eyes and both he AND ref Kiota are caught in it. STOP FLASHING THAT LIGHT at me! Soon enough, both their heads are stuffed and mounted above a mantel.

Testes is still fixated on his hair. 'Ah, don't hate me because I'm beautiful... and wearing one of those candy necklaces.' I'm sure he is the connoisseur of haircare products .. and I'm sure he's such a generous person that he told two friends.. and they told two friends.. and they told two friends.. and then they told this guy who he doesn't even know or care about.. and well, the info didn't even help any so I don't know why they bothered telling him.

HHH looks mighty scared.. scared that he grew another set of eyebrows. HHH is thinking, 'I feel like everyone is looking at me.. and my four eyebrows. Please stop it and look at Monkey Boy instead. Please?'

HHH has a hold of Testes, while X slaps him across the chest. Every time this happened, Testes .. uh.. popped up, if you know what I mean. Oh dear, it's apparent that he's contracted that horrible disease, Poppycock.

Eventually Tori gets into the ring for no reason, whatsoever. It's not like Kane was in trouble or ... well, carry on. X was about to give her the bronco but Kane puts a nifty stop to that and deals with X out of the ring. HHH wins the match and goes to fetch his buddy, X, who is just sitting on the ramp, thinking, 'That big red bully beat me!'

You all know he's talking about TORI, right?

Backstage, Al is telling his mystery partner (because I'm so prophetic, I know that it's Jericho) to get moving. They've got an important match. Al, give him a little time. I bet he's still got his hot rollers on and he's not finished plucking his eyebrows yet. Hell, when you're going to be in front of the cameras, you MUST look your best. He better get a permanenenent.

I wonder if Testes' people told Chris about his haircare secrets.

Big Show vs. Viscera. Show starts off by giving Viscera three headbutts. He should have just kept giving him more headbutts (you know, literally, a headbutt is pretty grotesque) until he got himself dizzy and .. oh.. headbutts don't work that way, huh?

Show wins the match and footage of Boss Man speaking to the Big Momma is shown on the Titantron. Momma reveals that Big Show is an illegitimate son... he's a BASTARD.

Aw tell us something we don't know.

Whoops.

After she reveals the late breaking news, Boss Man tells her to look at the red light outside the window ... because she's on CANDID CAMERA! Whoo hoo!! Mmm, I'm still waiting for the balls, streamers, and party horns to go off.

Hey, you have to realize that it's not whether it's good or bad news, but it's HOW you tell it. 'You're a BASTARD child so therefore you win this JEEP GRAND CHEROKEE!!!' (Jeep is a registered trademark of the Chrysler corporation... BC)

Big Momma tells Boss Man to GET OUT of the house. Well hey, who let him in anyways. Don't you watch wrestling?

By the way, does Big Momma have a penis pan hanging up in the background? (Dick cakes!!! .... BC) Alright! Everyone, let's go over to his mom's place for dick cakes and nut muffins!!

Big Show is on the phone to talk to his momma .. and drool. You know, I have had just about enough of that drooling problem. Put a cork in your mouth, okay? Get a drool extractor or something because we really need not be subjected to the horrors of your spittle.

While you're at it, get a mucus vacuum also.

Mankind and Rock vs. Al and Jericho.

During this match, Al was innocently holding a chair as he was walking around outside the ring. Mankind then rudely ran towards him and kicked Al. YOU KNOW Al was just holding that chair because he was.... TIRED! He just wanted to sit down! He just never gets a break.

Chris and Al then attempt this.. move. They both get on the top turnbuckle. Well, it's more like Chris LIFTS Al up to the top turnbuckle by his HAIR. Chris plays rough, I suppose. Boy, that looks like fun.

Mm, I can see me and Bostin doing the exact same thing if we were attempting that move. The only difference is that I'd be standing alone on that top rope because Bostin would have already fallen off it and splayed on the announcer's table already. (No, I'd be hanging upside down by my foot, smarty pants.... BC)

Heh.

Mick is looking at them like, 'What are you guys doing??' They would of course answer, 'Hugging.. do you have anything against that?' Yeah, that'd be me and Bostin.. scared for our lives because we wouldn't know how to get down from that height. We'd be hugging the hell out of each other, screaming, 'Someone get me a ladder! Call in the choppers!'

Eventually the match gets taken everywhere. Rock and Chris are going at it while Mick and Al battle in the ring. Eventually NAO run in to attack.

JR wonders, 'What are they (NAO) doing??'

Well, I dunno but.. we do know that Billy Butt has a nipple on his head. It's a misshapen nipple to boot. He must have had Rock's nipple surgeon shape and tuck that thing. I wonder if it's hairy.

Blech. Those hairy nipples, they ruin everything!