By Chokee Slam

Tampax, Florida

HHH and the EVIL Stephanie walk into the arena, holding hands. JR cries in woe, 'Oh, why did Stephanie align with her strange husband, HHH.'

Strange indeed, JR, you hit the nail on the big nose. (Estranged!..... BC)

WHOO HOO! We kick off with Y2J. Actually, we can dub him Y2BunchyAss, as in, WHY TOO much BUNCHY ASS? Regardless, my lust for him can make me overlook that and any other shortcomings, if there are any, which includes but are not limited to toe jam, gnarly toes, gnarly toe jam, eye crud, or boogers swinging from his nose like a pendulum.

Jericho holds his arm up high to show the world that he is one of the many wrestlers who shaves their right armpit. Just the right armpit. I do not have proof right now whether or not his left pit is as smooth as a baby's bottom. I can only take an educated guess and say... I'm not too sure. For all we know, the left pit hairs could one day be found on Morticia Addams' head.

Now, if we were to apply cartoon philosophy to this situation, Jericho would merely pull on the long armpit hairs, which would diminish the hairs in his right armpit. For example, he could pull on his beard to make it longer but as a result, he'd have no pubes. There is credibility to this theory considering his beard is very pube-like. Am I right? Am I close?

Chris gets in the ring and says, 'I have now proven, as a champion, that this show is definitely my show.. that this show is .. Raw is Jericho.' For those who didn't get what he said, allow me to assist. Get ready now. It's a doozy. THE show.. which is his .. and what it is and everything about it that he owns .. THAT show.. right now.. HIS show.. the show which is his .. is his show.'

Your welcome.

X-Pac comes out to issue a challenge. Jericho responds by flashing a doe-eyed 'wellwhattayaknow' look to the audience. This is also known as the 'begging for a cookie' look that will of course, make me want to flood him with cookies as well as nookies. I do have only one cookie so.. use sparingly and take a long amount of time to consume, please.

Oh dear.

Hey, it's not my fault that everything in this gonsarn English language is so suggestive. The most vulgar word has got to be........ hammerhead.

X says to Chris, 'I'm a lot greater than you..' Perhaps in the tongue department but not in the verbal one, li'l Pac-meister.

X challenges Chris, 'Your ass is grass and I'm gonna smoke it..' Aaaalright. So where are you going to put your lips?? I just want to get pointers in case I ever find myself in a situation to smoke someone's ass. I just never like to do things half-assed, I do it whole-assed.

Chyna and Kitty come out to watch the action. Nice bra, Chyna. I can't help but to think of Something About Mary and the famous 'private part stuck in zipper' scene. Oh well, no big deal. If she damages a boob, I'm sure Vinnie's got a spare in his warehouse of fake body parts.
After Chris cinches the JerichoTamer on X, Chyna hits the ref giving Jericho the win by DQ. Unfortunately, after that tough battle, Chris' pubey beard was maimed.  It's probably as annoying as getting one singular sensational pube stuck on something and consistently yanked on as you're walking. This is, of course, when you can utilize your crouch, sidle and sway techniques.
Godfather with Hoes. Uhm, Silver Ho, will you suck it.......... in? The belly has flappethed over. Please report to the Big Show Dojo for lessons in stomach suckage. (She needs to take a lesson in flattering clothes... BC)  
  Multiple Person Sign: PUTANG. I'll decipher that. PUT ANG Lee, the director, somewhere.. in his movie, Eat Drink Man Woman. He can play the part of The Man. Of course if his acting sucks, he can perhaps play the part of The Drink. (Or The Eat... BC)

GTV segment: Mark Henry is in bed with Mae Young. I was actually expecting him to be in bed with a man but technically they played that storyline already with that lumpy drag queen some time ago.

GF vs. Mark Henry. Garcia should have announced, 'Straight out of.. Mae Young's room... is Mark Henry!' Mae assists in this match and Henry wins.

Shane is waiting for Vince and perhaps thinking, 'Good Lord, the GTV segment was beyond tasteless.... I can't believe I wrote that... what the hell was I on?' Probably Jujubees.

Vince arrives carrying a sledgehammer. Shane tries to calm him down by saying, 'USE YOUR HEAD!' Hey, he's right. That stiff pompadour on Vinnie's head could probably chop 10 wood blocks with one blow.

Of course, Vince is filled with rage for HHH but Shane is persistent. He tries for calming phrase number two: 'Calm your head down!' YEAH! Pat it, stroke it, speak nicely to it, feed it some warm milk, play some soothing music... like Korn and Limp Bizkit.

Vince heads to DX's dressing room and knocks it down to find .. no one there. What he should have found were DX in flagrante. This would mean shower caps, bunny slippers and of course, boas. Anyways, Vince then goes to the ring and calls out HHH. 'Come out, you coward! You rapist!' he screamed. YEAH! You BAD PERSON! You JAY WALKER! You JOOKIE DRINKER! (You nailbiter! ... BC)

Steph comes out instead and Vince looks at her the same way we did when she first appeared on this episode. 'Steph, for the love of God, what in the world did they do to your hair??! GO BACK! GO BACK to the make-up lady, she will get you back on track!'

(Ratty perm + leather pants = heel?... Max Woman)


Steph confronts Vince and taunts him by wiggling her evil fingers at him. Everyone should overlook the 'der' expression, the Movado watch and realize that those fingers are lethal weapons! Those fingers can go in places unimaginable to the human race.

She can pick a nose like no one has ever picked a nose before. She can pick her butt or the belly button... or... BOTH at the same time because ... hell, she's got TEN digits!

Just don't smell her fingers, okay? You're dead, for sure.

Steph reminds Vince that it was HE who always made business personal. It was HE who had her abducted, locked up, and had someone rifle through her personal possessions. That, of course, means that someone had a rifle and just shot holes in her stuff, which could make the most docile human being a furious ball of snarling bitter terror. Hell, if someone was putting unnecessary holes in MY POOH underwear...

well.. yeah ... then they better hope that they see me .. before I see them ... and they better hope that I'm not angry... yeah.. punch em right in the nose.. right in da nose.

Steph says that she loved Andrew but she didn't want to get married. AH HAH! So that's why she went and ..... married HHH. Wrestling makes sense, you know.. to those who don't use their brain much. Good thing wrestling is so much fun, huh?

HHH eventually comes out and for some reason, that multiple person sign looked more disarrayed and chaotic than it actually was. Only the K is backwards. Actually, as I look at it more, I KNOW that the O is upside down. That is just so wrong.  

Since Vinnie missed it on Armageddon, Steph and HHH kiss. (EW. He had GUM. You don't kiss someone who's got GUM.. Max Woman) (Unless you want to steal it... BC).

Vince is pretty irate and he and Shane leave the arena.

Steph performs Dork Look: The Sequel as she and HHH wonder who will run the family business this evening. Don't fret none, boy and girl. That dude back there sitting by the table will do it. I'm sure he's qualified just on the fact that he's got nothing else better to do, huh?

I'm sure he and a good majority of human society know that success HAS to be achieved through pure LUCK, riding the bandwagon and stealing other people's concepts and ideas and NOT through hard work, talent, originality, diligence, persistence, keeping it real and busting your ass.

...................... (You okay now? ... BC)

Rock comes out and gets on the top turnbuckle. He's still on the top turnbuckle. I think the show is over already, dude. Of course this just means that he can't start his drag-queenish 'finally' speech because he doesn't know which city he's in.

He's scanning the audience because there's got to be SOME sheep who wrote out his catch phrase with applicable location noted. Of course he chooses to forget where he is on the night that no one has a sign he can refer to so.... here we go. 'Finally.. the Rock has come back to... Rhubarb!' Nah, that doesn't work.

Rock and Sock vs. The Dudleys. D-Von is about to recite the Dudley commandments. Okay, we'll join in. Thou shalt .. wear a babushka. Thou shalt ... not sweat, Rock. Thou shalt not mess with aforementioned babushka. Rock then .. knocked Bubba's babushka off and we know that without Phenomenal Babushka Power, they are powerless. Rock and Sock win the match by DQ.

BUT HHH comes out and says, 'I hate to inform you guys.. McRock..' MCROCK? The Irish Rock?? That would be Kid Rock, I reckon. Too bad Kid prefers WCW because I'd like to see him in some sort of angle for the WWF. Mm, here's some food for thought. Considering Kid Rock is near 30, he's not really a kid anymore. He should change the moniker to Man Rock. If he's still in the business when he's 80, he can be Old Man Rock or Gramp Rock. Eventually, he'd then just be Dead Rock.

By the way, here's a picture of Kid Rock. Now, the following exclamations apply upon first sight of this picture.

1) GOOD GOD, please eat something! Lick some butter, will you??
2) HEY, your bunchy BVDs are planning to escape out of your jeans.
3) YO! Get your super, scrawny, skinny ass...... into my bedroom!

He has fallen into my little pit of Atypical Sex Symbol. He's not categorized as pretty, handsome, pretty handsome nor someone your momma would recommend you breed with but ya know what....... talent, honesty and the ability to be funny and goofy just knocks me over for a loop.

What can I say. His name is SKIIIIIIIIIIINNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bawitdaba!!

HHH says that there are to be no wins by DQ so the match continues. First, we need to go to commercial though. Okay guys, make sure you don't do anything interesting until we get back on the air. Just keep exchanging fists or something. Barter a foot or a toe. Stand there and stare at each other.

HHH brings out a ref wearing a Vince mask, who does a fast count on Mick. Rock and Sock lose. Rock throws the ref into the ring and Mick takes the mask off to reveal... AL! Hey, it's that classic Scooby Doo ending! 'WHY it's ME! I didn't see that coming at all.. Damn those blasted kids!'

There is a pool of pudding in the arena. Can someone get me a really BIG spoon??!! Oh, never mind, I'll just dive in there with my mouth wide open, chomp chomp chomping away. (I'll meet you by the pool with a box of graham crackers... BC)

Kitty vs. Tori in a Pudding Match. By the way, can someone tell me if this is wrestling we're watching?? Yes? Okay.. just checking. Hey, don't forget the whipped cream.

During this match, X-Pac comes in wearing a wetsuit, snorkel and carrying his flippers. He looked to the audience and did something perverted. ALRIGHT!! PERVERTED GESTURE!!! WHOO HOO!!!  

Mm, this is about to become a horror movie scenario in which the victim (X-Pac) is doing something sexual (even if it is with himself) while a Pudding Monster (Tori) is emerging behind him to eventually kill him with creamy, chocolate sensations. My, it's the Creature from the Pudding Lagoon.

At least it's not the Creature from the Blue Lagoon....... which is Brooke Shields, of course.

Tori loses the match, Kane comes in and throws X into the pudding, NAO attacks Kane, they all leave in embarrassment. Garcia is then pushed into the pool by Kitty because she won't announce Kitty as The Cat. Mm, I think I want some pudding, Bostin. Get the Jello-mix and I'll handle the cream by staring at the Kid Rock picture.

OH! SHHHHHHHHHH, Chokee. Bad girl, bad.

Lawler is trying to market the talking Stone Cold Stevie doll.  Is it just me or are his arms reeeeeally long?? Now that's cruel to be passing off a Stone Cold Ape doll to unknowing consumers. Puhleeze, Stevie is also NOT that muscular.

The Posse vs. The Acolytes. Acolytes make a fine mess of the Posse. It looked like Pete Frog took a pretty devastating chair shot as well. I think I heard the sound of a dying ribbit.

Ah, Mr. Simmons is just so coo. By the way, it was so damn touching and respectable how the Florida fans popped for him on Smackdown. We got all gooshy.

Now get the pudding.

Hard Boys vs. Christian and Edge in a cage match.

Before the match started, Jeff displays his 'oh dip' look. Actually that's the Mug Shot look and now Jeff has joined his brother in the Mad Phat Felonious History of Mug Shots.
Of course, these men put forth a great show that calls for some replays. Here we see Edge perched on the top of the cage in Spiderman stance. Considering Edge resembles a mantis, he would of course be ... Mantisman! What were the lyrics to the Spiderman theme?? Oh well, I'll wing it.

Mantis Man, Mantis Man.. he's your neighborhood Mantis Friend..
Bites off Heads.. anytime
hyushuy uiisojs kdil ime
Look out.. here comes the Mantis Maaaan..
Here comes the Mantis MAAAAAAN!!

JR states that 'they're giving us everything they have..' I'd have to disagree, Hoss. They didn't give us their money or more importantly.. SEX!

What's up with my hormones?

Oh, Mantis Man eventually takes to climbing the cage. He really wants to take a bite of that head, huh? Many women can understand the need to do that to Matt Hard Boy.  
It seems that Mantisman has taught Christian all he knows of the art of Head Up Uranus. The motto is 'When the going gets tough, you stick your head up someone's butt and see what happens.' As the horrified Jeff tries to figure out how to wiggle Christian out of his black hole, Mantisman leaves the ring through the door and gets the win. I guess there's more to that move than meets the eye, huh? The brown eye, that is.

Kane and Tori are leaving the arena. HHH stops them because Kane is to have a match this evening. Oh, good, is he going to be in a pudding match also??

Shucks, just a triple threat match. I don't know if Kane is up to it though. He must have spent a good hour or so washing the pudding out of Tori's crack and well... now he has to go throw up.

NAO vs. Kane. No sympathy, that HHH.

By the way, there's some Braid Monster leeched onto Billy Butt's head and I don't think anyone told him. Billy Butt goes over to kiss his kids in the audience, which was a nice thing to do. Hey Billy, where's your husband? We'd like to see who the man of the house is.

WHOA! Bostin said that, not me.

Anyways, they do the NAO speech. Just for his kids, I'm sure Billy Butt put all motivation and emotion in his part, '... and if you're not down with that... I've got two words for ya!....'


He's not Billy Butt this evening. He's Medusa BUTT, which would make a pretty cool wrestling character, donchathink? To win the match, the opponent would just need to look into Medusa Butt's brown eye and they would turn to stone! (We lose so many proctologists that way... BC)

Kane is obviously outnumbered and loses the match. Food for thought: In Canada, the New Age Outlaws would be called the New Age OOTlaws. Right?

Big Show vs. Bossy and Prince Albert. Big Show sports the BIG elbow pad, which is probably Terri Runnel's skirt. Taka Michinoku's 2-leg warmer. Obi-Wan Funaki's body sock.

Anyways, Big Show is about to do his chokeslam gesture but judging by the contortions of his face, he's going to release the Big Sneeze. Everyone stand back, it's gonna be a geyser in which horrible green/yellow things will shoot out of every orifice in his body.
Of course a sneeze of that caliber could only cause the unintentional Big Poot. Check out the sparks that flew out of his ass. Geez, I hate it when that happens. This normally seems to occur when one is taking a test in a room full of silent, quiet, test-taking people. (Oh, we're taking Test? Where are we taking him?? BC)

The other things that the body will let loose in these situations are the gastrointestinal rumble/ quake, or the accidental yet powerful hiccuburp which ends in a hearty snort.

All I have to say is.. Bawitdaba!!! Is that an actual word? Is that even a hip hop terminology? Well, it's kinda like 'AGADAGGA!'

Big Show wins this match by the way.

Now Steph sets up a match for NAO to go against HHH and someone that HHH 'has a lot in common with ... Testes.' Yes, she said, 'Testes.' She's right about the 'common' part. HHH's nose is most definitely as big as Testes' penis.

The match is on the way.. and NAO run down the ramp, taking little baby girlie steps. Well, you do what you have to in order to avoid finding yourself rolling down there like a meatball. It's either that or you walk down with your pelvis jutting forward and that has proven to be dangerous because those procreative collisions are horrific.

The world is not ready for a Butt Rock baby. Not even an Ivory Dogg or a Stone Cold Head. I would like to see a Triple Pac though. Poor kid would be born with elephantitus of the nuts.

Anyways, Testes does most of the work in the match. Even Billy Butt isn't too concerned with the goings-on in the ring. He's got his foot up on the rope, perhaps yelling to Road Dogg, 'HEY!! Look at what I found! MY FOOT!' Road Dogg would of course coddle the Butt, 'Okay okay, I'm busy right now, eh?? Show me later..'

At this point, we had paused the footage to examine the inexplicable, protruding bone in Bostin's foot. We concluded that it wasn't a bunion that's shaped like an elbow and so it must certainly, positively, SURE-FIREDLY might be .... something. Perhaps it's like that horror movie where some dude found an eye growing out of his shoulder, which eventually became a second head. Perhaps Bostin is.. growing another toe.

Boy, for those who thought it'd be tough to find socks for people stricken with MistleToe.... heh.. well..


Eventually, all of DX beat on Testes. AH-HAH! It was a set-up! I did not see that coming.


Steph slaps Testes' face. Boy she hits like a girl. Considering she is a girl, I'd say she's doing a her job right. She will probably suffer the traumas of chaffed hands before Testes would even feel the annoyance of her brushing palm against his cheek.

They hold Testes by the hair which looks like the perfect advertising pitch for 'When A Day At The Salon Goes Wrong.' It's bad enough having Billy Butt's crotch behind your head but to add to the humiliation, Butt is probably screaming, 'Just wait until I give you a perm rod!'

Is it me or does every single Testes snapshot look like a porno test shoot?

X eventually runs in and ... oh no... oh no.. uuuh... this will not do. That's not TRUE!! That's IMPOSSIBLE!!!

Darth Vader is Luke's father!?! (Sorry, Empire Strikes Back Tourettes)

It's bad though, it's real bad news, Mad Phatties. X-PAC is ... wearing SANDALS!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Alright Ben Hur Pac, (Sparticus.... BC), it doesn't matter what you do with your tongue anymore, you're wearing... SANDALS!!!!

Oh, the travesty, the sacrilege, the ... gulp.. hairy toes. I now must go cry in my pudding.

Steph is part of DX now and she does the dork crotch chop. But .... but... we have to focus on what's important. For the love of GOD, NOT the SANDALS!! OH WHY??!?!

OH GEEZ! X put his sandals on the rope!!  Of course this only prompts us to do our variation of the the Tom Green's bum bum song. 'The sandals' on the rope.. the sandals' on the rope..'

(I don't love you anymore, X..... BC)

If anything represents EVIL, it's sandals on a wrestler. Oh X.... why why why why why why why why........... (deep breath).......... why why why why why...

See if we care...
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