HHH and the EVIL Stephanie walk into the arena, holding hands. JR cries in woe, 'Oh, why did Stephanie align with her strange husband, HHH.'
Strange indeed, JR, you hit the nail on the big nose. (Estranged!..... BC)
WHOO HOO! We kick off with Y2J. Actually, we can dub him Y2BunchyAss, as in, WHY TOO much BUNCHY ASS? Regardless, my lust for him can make me overlook that and any other shortcomings, if there are any, which includes but are not limited to toe jam, gnarly toes, gnarly toe jam, eye crud, or boogers swinging from his nose like a pendulum.
Now, if we were to apply cartoon philosophy to this situation, Jericho would merely pull on the long armpit hairs, which would diminish the hairs in his right armpit. For example, he could pull on his beard to make it longer but as a result, he'd have no pubes. There is credibility to this theory considering his beard is very pube-like. Am I right? Am I close?
Chris gets in the ring and says, 'I have now proven, as a champion, that this show is definitely my show.. that this show is .. Raw is Jericho.' For those who didn't get what he said, allow me to assist. Get ready now. It's a doozy. THE show.. which is his .. and what it is and everything about it that he owns .. THAT show.. right now.. HIS show.. the show which is his .. is his show.'
Hey, it's not my fault that everything in this gonsarn English language is so suggestive. The most vulgar word has got to be........ hammerhead.
X says to Chris, 'I'm a lot greater than you..' Perhaps in the tongue department but not in the verbal one, li'l Pac-meister.
X challenges Chris, 'Your ass is grass and I'm gonna smoke it..' Aaaalright. So where are you going to put your lips?? I just want to get pointers in case I ever find myself in a situation to smoke someone's ass. I just never like to do things half-assed, I do it whole-assed.
GTV segment: Mark Henry is in bed with Mae Young. I was actually expecting him to be in bed with a man but technically they played that storyline already with that lumpy drag queen some time ago.
GF vs. Mark Henry. Garcia should have announced, 'Straight out of.. Mae Young's room... is Mark Henry!' Mae assists in this match and Henry wins.
Shane is waiting for Vince and perhaps thinking, 'Good Lord, the GTV segment was beyond tasteless.... I can't believe I wrote that... what the hell was I on?' Probably Jujubees.
Vince arrives carrying a sledgehammer. Shane tries to calm him down by saying, 'USE YOUR HEAD!' Hey, he's right. That stiff pompadour on Vinnie's head could probably chop 10 wood blocks with one blow.
Of course, Vince is filled with rage for HHH but Shane is persistent. He tries for calming phrase number two: 'Calm your head down!' YEAH! Pat it, stroke it, speak nicely to it, feed it some warm milk, play some soothing music... like Korn and Limp Bizkit.
Vince heads to DX's dressing room and knocks it down to find .. no one there. What he should have found were DX in flagrante. This would mean shower caps, bunny slippers and of course, boas. Anyways, Vince then goes to the ring and calls out HHH. 'Come out, you coward! You rapist!' he screamed. YEAH! You BAD PERSON! You JAY WALKER! You JOOKIE DRINKER! (You nailbiter! ... BC)
She can pick a nose like no one has ever picked a nose before. She can pick her butt or the belly button... or... BOTH at the same time because ... hell, she's got TEN digits!
Just don't smell her fingers, okay? You're dead, for sure.
Steph reminds Vince that it was HE who always made business personal. It was HE who had her abducted, locked up, and had someone rifle through her personal possessions. That, of course, means that someone had a rifle and just shot holes in her stuff, which could make the most docile human being a furious ball of snarling bitter terror. Hell, if someone was putting unnecessary holes in MY POOH underwear...
well.. yeah ... then they better hope that they see me .. before I see them ... and they better hope that I'm not angry... yeah.. punch em right in the nose.. right in da nose.
Steph says that she loved Andrew but she didn't want to get married. AH HAH! So that's why she went and ..... married HHH. Wrestling makes sense, you know.. to those who don't use their brain much. Good thing wrestling is so much fun, huh?
Since Vinnie missed it on Armageddon, Steph and HHH kiss. (EW. He had GUM. You don't kiss someone who's got GUM.. Max Woman) (Unless you want to steal it... BC).
Vince is pretty irate and he and Shane leave the arena.
I'm sure he and a good majority of human society know that success HAS to be achieved through pure LUCK, riding the bandwagon and stealing other people's concepts and ideas and NOT through hard work, talent, originality, diligence, persistence, keeping it real and busting your ass.
...................... (You okay now? ... BC)
Rock comes out and gets on the top turnbuckle. He's still on the top turnbuckle. I think the show is over already, dude. Of course this just means that he can't start his drag-queenish 'finally' speech because he doesn't know which city he's in.
He's scanning the audience because there's got to be SOME sheep who wrote out his catch phrase with applicable location noted. Of course he chooses to forget where he is on the night that no one has a sign he can refer to so.... here we go. 'Finally.. the Rock has come back to... Rhubarb!' Nah, that doesn't work.
Rock and Sock vs. The Dudleys. D-Von is about to recite the Dudley commandments. Okay, we'll join in. Thou shalt .. wear a babushka. Thou shalt ... not sweat, Rock. Thou shalt not mess with aforementioned babushka. Rock then .. knocked Bubba's babushka off and we know that without Phenomenal Babushka Power, they are powerless. Rock and Sock win the match by DQ.
BUT HHH comes out and says, 'I hate to inform you guys.. McRock..' MCROCK? The Irish Rock?? That would be Kid Rock, I reckon. Too bad Kid prefers WCW because I'd like to see him in some sort of angle for the WWF. Mm, here's some food for thought. Considering Kid Rock is near 30, he's not really a kid anymore. He should change the moniker to Man Rock. If he's still in the business when he's 80, he can be Old Man Rock or Gramp Rock. Eventually, he'd then just be Dead Rock.
HHH says that there are to be no wins by DQ so the match continues. First, we need to go to commercial though. Okay guys, make sure you don't do anything interesting until we get back on the air. Just keep exchanging fists or something. Barter a foot or a toe. Stand there and stare at each other.
There is a pool of pudding in the arena. Can someone get me a really BIG spoon??!! Oh, never mind, I'll just dive in there with my mouth wide open, chomp chomp chomping away. (I'll meet you by the pool with a box of graham crackers... BC)
Kitty vs. Tori in a Pudding Match. By the way, can someone tell me if this is wrestling we're watching?? Yes? Okay.. just checking. Hey, don't forget the whipped cream.
Mm, this is about to become a horror movie scenario in which the victim (X-Pac) is doing something sexual (even if it is with himself) while a Pudding Monster (Tori) is emerging behind him to eventually kill him with creamy, chocolate sensations. My, it's the Creature from the Pudding Lagoon.
At least it's not the Creature from the Blue Lagoon....... which is Brooke Shields, of course.
Tori loses the match, Kane comes in and throws X into the pudding, NAO attacks Kane, they all leave in embarrassment. Garcia is then pushed into the pool by Kitty because she won't announce Kitty as The Cat. Mm, I think I want some pudding, Bostin. Get the Jello-mix and I'll handle the cream by staring at the Kid Rock picture.
OH! SHHHHHHHHHH, Chokee. Bad girl, bad.
The Posse vs. The Acolytes. Acolytes make a fine mess of the Posse. It looked like Pete Frog took a pretty devastating chair shot as well. I think I heard the sound of a dying ribbit.
Ah, Mr. Simmons is just so coo. By the way, it was so damn touching and respectable how the Florida fans popped for him on Smackdown. We got all gooshy.
Now get the pudding.
Hard Boys vs. Christian and Edge in a cage match.
Mantis Man, Mantis Man.. he's your neighborhood Mantis
JR states that 'they're giving us everything they have..' I'd have to disagree, Hoss. They didn't give us their money or more importantly.. SEX!
What's up with my hormones?
Kane and Tori are leaving the arena. HHH stops them because Kane is to have a match this evening. Oh, good, is he going to be in a pudding match also??
Shucks, just a triple threat match. I don't know if Kane is up to it though. He must have spent a good hour or so washing the pudding out of Tori's crack and well... now he has to go throw up.
NAO vs. Kane. No sympathy, that HHH.
WHOA! Bostin said that, not me.
Anyways, they do the NAO speech. Just for his kids, I'm sure Billy Butt put all motivation and emotion in his part, '... and if you're not down with that... I've got two words for ya!....'
He's not Billy Butt this evening. He's Medusa BUTT, which would make a pretty cool wrestling character, donchathink? To win the match, the opponent would just need to look into Medusa Butt's brown eye and they would turn to stone! (We lose so many proctologists that way... BC)
Kane is obviously outnumbered and loses the match. Food for thought: In Canada, the New Age Outlaws would be called the New Age OOTlaws. Right?
Big Show vs. Bossy and Prince Albert. Big Show sports the BIG elbow pad, which is probably Terri Runnel's skirt. Taka Michinoku's 2-leg warmer. Obi-Wan Funaki's body sock.
The other things that the body will let loose in these situations are the gastrointestinal rumble/ quake, or the accidental yet powerful hiccuburp which ends in a hearty snort.
All I have to say is.. Bawitdaba!!! Is that an actual word? Is that even a hip hop terminology? Well, it's kinda like 'AGADAGGA!'
Big Show wins this match by the way.
Now Steph sets up a match for NAO to go against HHH and someone that HHH 'has a lot in common with ... Testes.' Yes, she said, 'Testes.' She's right about the 'common' part. HHH's nose is most definitely as big as Testes' penis.
The world is not ready for a Butt Rock baby. Not even an Ivory Dogg or a Stone Cold Head. I would like to see a Triple Pac though. Poor kid would be born with elephantitus of the nuts.
At this point, we had paused the footage to examine the inexplicable, protruding bone in Bostin's foot. We concluded that it wasn't a bunion that's shaped like an elbow and so it must certainly, positively, SURE-FIREDLY might be .... something. Perhaps it's like that horror movie where some dude found an eye growing out of his shoulder, which eventually became a second head. Perhaps Bostin is.. growing another toe.
Boy, for those who thought it'd be tough to find socks for people stricken with MistleToe.... heh.. well..
Eventually, all of DX beat on Testes. AH-HAH! It was a set-up! I did not see that coming.
Steph slaps Testes' face. Boy she hits like a girl. Considering she is a girl, I'd say she's doing a her job right. She will probably suffer the traumas of chaffed hands before Testes would even feel the annoyance of her brushing palm against his cheek.
Is it me or does every single Testes snapshot look like a porno test shoot?
X eventually runs in and ... oh no... oh no.. uuuh... this will not do. That's not TRUE!! That's IMPOSSIBLE!!!
Darth Vader is Luke's father!?! (Sorry, Empire Strikes Back Tourettes)
Oh, the travesty, the sacrilege, the ... gulp.. hairy toes. I now must go cry in my pudding.
Steph is part of DX now and she does the dork crotch chop. But .... but... we have to focus on what's important. For the love of GOD, NOT the SANDALS!! OH WHY??!?!
If anything represents EVIL, it's sandals on a wrestler. Oh X.... why why why why why why why why........... (deep breath).......... why why why why why...