By Chokee Slam

Houston TX

Are New Yorkers soooo pretentious that we must pronounce Houston 'HOWSTON'? Can we, as humble, caring, passionate, sweet, giving, mild-mannered and misunderstood individuals of this city, not join along with the average simpletons of this foul Earth? 

Heh.. New Yawkers. You gotta love them or just shoot them. Or leave them be and they'll just destroy each other with dirty glances and assumptions, right?

Now, as a typical New Yawker, I had the first seven minutes of this program on mute, therefore, we felt like we were watching some Spanish soap opera where we have to provide our own voice-overs, and the characters are dubbed Bouffant Guy, Ex-Chips Dude and Blond Spanish Chick. 

HHH and Stephanie are hanging about in their room with their servants, the Posse. Steph may have said, 'Ah well, here we are....' and HHH may have said, '......'

Ooh, we have new images on the sides of the Titantron. It's a big fist. YEAH! FIGHT THE POWER!! THIS IS OUR SYMBOL!! We won't let the bad wrestling fan bring us DOWN! WRESTLING POWER!!!

Testes comes out wearing a ... snot guard? I guess he's sneezed horrifically one time too many so all the guys in the back eventually pinned him down and wrapped that thing onto his face. Hell, there's just so much a person can take of being sprayed with a fine mist of mucous, right?  The nasty ones result in the 'CHOO' part of the ATCHOO lasting about 15 minutes.

Anyways, maybe Testes got a nose job and they REALLY screwed up. That would mean his nose isn't even on his face anymore but on his ass. 

Testes gets a little aggressive with Garcia after she said something to him. For all we know, she may have said, 'Dude, what's with the retainer??'   He turned to her and seemed to scream, 'WHAAAT?? I can't hear you! My ma said I have to wear this retainer!'

Perhaps the snot guard invention could lead way to many other gizmos that would assist in blocking certain annoying bodily excretions. Next in line would obviously be... a butt guard.

There were many a time when I wished people were wearing that. For example, it never fails when you find yourself waiting on line, meshed in a crowd of many waiting-on-line people, that SOMEONE has to let a silent, deadly one rip. Not just rip, mind you, but damn well TEAR out of the bunghole. We're talking flapping ass cheeks.

Damn farty people. They just ruin everything! 

Oh, this is a Testes vs. NAO match aaaaaand NAO wins.

Backstage, HHH and Steph call the Hard Boys, Christian and Edge into their 'office'. She sets up a match with Edge/ Matt vs. Christian/ Jeff. Now, that's just not right. Why does Edge get stuck with the dark haired one? I bet Edge is thinking, 'Heeey, why do I get stuck with the dark haired one?? He doesn't even have bleach. He's so .... different... he's so.. not light.'

By the way, have we mentioned that there are a LOT of blondes in the WWF? Even Taka Michinoku is trying for the 'himbo' look. Then again, he may be a natural bimboy that the blond just grew in au naturale.

That could happen. Don't underestimate the powers of Himbo and how it could change your pigment or your every day motor functions. 

Okay, The Hard Boys Christian Edge mish mosh match. Jeff is apparently worried... worried that there will be a riot against his brother, the lone dark haired dude in the ring populace. They'll hold him down and bleach his hair if it's the last thing they ever EEEEVER do.

Now I will turn the mic over to our Mad Phat Lab Monkey who came across some controversial findings. Joel?

(JR is probably the best play by play commentator but sometimes ...  he just blows it. Christian jumped onto Edge's chest but JR said that he hit him in the face. It seems that JR has got his body parts mixed up.

I contacted the Ross estate about this and his family told me that JR never bothered to learn the names of basic body part. To help out, they sent me the attached diagram, 'JR's Guide To The Human Anatomy' so that I won't be confused.

I'm not so edumacated either. If I were calling a match, I'd probably have to be crafty if I didn't want to sound like an idiot (and most of the time, I don't want to). Here's how I'd call a match:
'What a hard shot to the epidermis!'
'Kane is really working HHH's epidermis!'
'OW! That has got to hurt the epidermis!'
'He dropped him right on his epidermis!'

I can't lose!... Mad Phat Lab Monkey)

Thanks for the insight, Joel. 

It seems that Matt may have also broken his nose (or according to JR, his toe) in this match. I guess that pretty, perky little upturned nose will eventually end up looking like one big mangled, squished chili pepper. In other words... the Ken Shamrock special in the rhinoplasty market.

He's pretty perturbed by this newfound knowledge because he can't even stand up. He's falling all over himself and losing composure which means that the inevitable, embarrassing situation will occur. His pants should fall down any second now. 

Any second.

I'm waiting. It could happen, you know.

.............

Geez, you guys suck.

Steph and HHH now call Mae and Moolah into their room. They will allow them to 'shine like never before.' Well alright then, get the Windex, buff em up real good. A match is set for Mae/ Moolah vs. the Dudleys vs. the Acolytes.

Next we have a sort of Boot of the Week footage but it's the ' 1-800-Collect Easy Way To Save' ... thingamajig. Stephanie gave JR a ... judo CHOP on a Smackdown. Good, she's honing her evil martial arts skills.

Certain martial art techniques symbolize just how evil one can be. The ultimate was the dude who used to retract his private part in, hence sucking in anything else that was in close proximity as well. 

Mm, this brings to light the Kid Rock lyrics: 'His dick was metal, her pussy was a magnet..' which is something I've seen occur very often. The human body is just amazing isn't it?

Steph and HHH come out to the ring and call JR in there. Steph must have been nipping at the rum candy again because she's pretty flushed. I think she most definitely, possibly, might be drunk. Either that or she's been dipping into HHH's tanning lotion, cream, lotion spray, oil, juice, liquor, etc.

Anyways, Rock was featured in the Entertainment Weekly magazine and Steph thinks she and HHH should have had that spot. HHH attempts to break JR's arm again but Mick comes to the rescue. 

Mick says that ' the McMahon/ Helmsley  era ... well, kinda sucks.' Oh, just 'KINDA sucks' isn't all that bad. At least it doesn't blow big, knotty chunks. 

Mick makes a reference to Steph being a 'ho ho ho' and HHH takes great offense to this, of course. He takes his jacket off but Steph stops him from stripping any more. However, Mankind wants to see more as he screamed, 'Take it off! Take it off!' YEAH! Let's see some titties! I wanna see nips!' To the PG audience, nips are the hard candies.. you know, they come in caramel or chocolate parfait with creamy chocolate centers.

Mmmmm... creamy chocolate centers.

Eventually a boiler room match is set for Mankind. His opponent? Dunno. HHH says, 'It might be me. ' Might be. I bet it might be Steph .. or that dude in the audience. It might be .. Abraham Lincoln. That's just how mysteries work, doesn't it.

Steph feels that she's been insulted enough by MK. She slaps Mick upside the head and Mick holds his ... cheek. That was either a reeeally hard slap or he's studied JR's Guide to the Human Anatomy. 

Angle comes out and does his three I's speech. But what if I wanted 3 Q's? Uh.. Quixote, Queue and ... Queef? Good thing he didn't live his life to the philosophy of 3 Z's. Zoos, Zonk and Zzzzz.... If that was the case, he's never wake up and leave his... cage.

Angle vs. Viscera. By the way, Lawler isn't present at the announcer's helm, it's JR and Dok Hendrix. Hendrix states that there may be a slight twinkle in Steph's eye when she sees Kurt. Nah, usually that's just eye crud. (She probably has allergies... BC)

Blackman interferes in this match by hitting Viscera with the kendo stick and Angle wins.

Backstage, Moolah and Mae are getting ready for their match by doing jumping jacks. Meanwhile, the Dudleys are on their way to the ring, but check this out. Notice that the Dudleys are in Building A.

Now here are the Acolytes walking to get to the same destination but they're in Building B. Looks like they'll need to walk a little faster if they want to make it to their match on time. Maybe they should hail a cab.  Good grief, someone must have sent them to the wrong arena. Mr. Coo is thinking, 'We in da wrong arena, aren't we? Where da hell we be?!'

Try making a sharp left down the hallway. See if that helps. 

Moolah and Mae are already in the ring. Before the other opponents even make it in, Moolah prepped up by having a little match with the ropes.  Mae stands in the background, 'Hey, Ma, your opponents are coming down the ramp. You have no beef with that rope..' Yeah, leave it alone, bully.

Hey, check out the bumble bee in the audience. Just call him Bumble or Mr. Bee. Does he bumble like a bee?

The best expression is 'You buckle like a belt,' thanks to the genius of Kevin Smith, of course. 

The Dudleys come out, of course, because unlike the Acolytes, they were in the right building. They give the 'okay' gesture. ALRIGHT! Everything is OKAY!  Maybe they should be renamed The Okee Dokee Boys.  Whattaya mean it wouldn't sell?

Dudleys run right in and attack the aged. They even do the head to the crotch move on Mae! I reckon Testes should have lent D'Von his nose guard for that. Whoo! Now, on closer scrutiny, we notice that D'Von didn't even make contact. We reckon he smelled something in mid-flight and was immediately repelled but you know what a bitch gravity is.

Hey, new marketing idea. If that smell could be packaged, it could sell on the shelf as a 'Man-Off' spray. 

Sorry, that was entirely in bad taste. Not literally, I hope. 

Oh, I already know I'm going to hell, smarty pants.

The Acolytes finally made their way to the correct building and this match is under way. Dudleys pin Mae for the win.

Mark Henry runs in to comfort his woman, which is, of course, Bradshaw. Just kidding. Hell, with those Bradshaw boobies, I'm sure they are a turn-on for any gender, species or breed. The sight of Mae and Henry left the BEST expressions on Mr. Simmons and Bradshaw.  They're entirely too funny.

Oh, wanna see something else really funny? 

I'll show the world this one picture of Kid Rock. Here's the ad campaign:  NOTHING says HICK like wearing a BIG baseball cap with the bill turned up and a gas station attendant shirt.  Now, where's your pick-up truck, dude, because .... you know, I wanna jump your skinny bones in the back.  Hya hya hya hya hya (for those not in the know, that is the typical cowboy laugh). Click here for the audio sample. Anyways, my 'Smit Of No Return' mind has convinced me that this is, indeed, a very endearing picture. (Dude, you're so far gone.... BC)

Steph and HHH says it will be a Mankind vs Santa match. Okay, that's a bit surreal but.. I can swing with it. Just give me a moment.

Okay, I'm done with my moment. Cole is speaking with Mick outside the boiler room but the Posse attack and throw him into the room. Silly Mick says, 'I just got my ass kicked by the Mean Street Posse. That's embarrassing.'

Mick walks further into the room and sees.. Santa standing there. I swear this segment is like a strange nightmare. It's like the one I had where I was wearing a pink leather MC jacket like the Fonz from Happy Days and riding a tricycle.

What?

Santa seems oblivious or drunk. He doesn't seem to know why he's in the boiler room. Mick, being the good person that he is, tells Santa that he can just walk out of the boiler room and win this match. Of course, a gang of Santas then go wild all over Mick. 

Heeeey, you know what, those aren't real Santas, but just an incredible simulation. This whole scene looks like what happens when mall Santas go postal. I can understand, I suppose, it's pretty rough having to deal with the kids crying and pissing on your lap.

Eventually King Santa knocks Mick out with his bag of presents and wins this match. Of course, King Santa was HHH and his helpers were Butt and Dogg. 

By the way, Santa is Satan spelled dislexically, yes? Hell, correct me if I'm wrong but some big fat dude in a red and white suit shouldn't be shimmying down anyone's chimney, free to walk around private property, eating cookies and telling YOUR kids whether they've been good or not when he only sees them once a year! It's not right that Santa sees you when you're sleeping, either. Can we say, STALKER??! Who the frag does he think he is??!

Let's kick his ass!!!

HHH and Steph are back in their room and Al comes in, demanding a match against the Rock. Al wants to make Rock pay for what he did. Would a sum of $4,567,987 and 15 cents suffice, Al? That sounds like a good, sensible roundabout figure. That is, of course, before the IRS takes a huge chomp out of it.

Godfather with Hoes. Whoa, where did he find the Marianne Faithful ho? The only thing missing is the hypodermic needle sticking out of her arm.

Oh good, we can get a good full shot of the HHH/ Steph canvases on the sides of the Titantron. (It looks like she's horking and he's snorking. If you don't know, horking is clearing your throat of mucus in the most loud and unpleasant way and snorking is the same thing but with your sinuses.. Mad Phat Lab Monkey).

Hey, did Joe C. take the shot of HHH?? That's a good shot. I'm sure everyone wants to know what he stores up his nose.

Godfather vs. Jericho. Oh by the way, why is Jericho wrestling Godfather? Don't know? Me neither. Okay.. we'll move on. Chyna interferes in this match and .. Jericho wins.

Steph and HHH have Terri and BB in their room. BB will represent Venis and Terri will represent Hang Time Holly. Now whichever wrestler goes over the top rope and onto the floor, the chick representative will have to take an article of clothing off.

Venis walks towards the ring and we exclaimed, 'WHEN did HE get the European title??!' Geez, the belts are so obsolete these days and more importantly, he's CANADIAN!

Anyways, the girls are up on the stage watching and waiting. The camera gets a shot of BB and I'm sure her brain is going through some deep, intrinsic, mind boggling thoughts right now. It goes something like this, 'Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh, a b c d efg h i j k lmnop.. uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.. 1 2 3 4 5.... twinkle twinkle little star... whut come after 1??'

HHH then comes out and I'm sure this derailed BB's train of thought, 'Listen I was up to the letter H and you perturbed me. Now I gotta go all the way back to 1!' 

Venis loses the match and BB's got to take the bra off. HHH stands in front of her, shielding her with his jacket. When she does the deed, he yells, 'OH MY GOD!!'  Hell yeah, I bet you never saw pasties like those!! Then again, perhaps she was naked and she had four nipples or something.

Al Snow vs. Rock. Rock's intro theme blares, 'If you smeeeeeeeeeeeeell..' ... then please shower. 

Rock gets on the top rope again, scanning the audience. We're still patiently waiting for the day when he'll say, 'Finally.. the Rock has come back (mmm.. where am I... look for the signs, look for the signs..) back to... Section B! No, that's not it. The Rock has come back to... EXIT! Oh geez...'

Al is patiently waiting but to pass the time away, he does his Renfield imitation.  Oooh, mastah.  Hey, he's actually adorable when he's evil. Little kids give that look, right before they hold their breath and turn all shades of blue, if they don't get their cookies.

In mid-speech, Rock looks down.. on himself. 'Whut, my fly's undone? There's no zipper on my panties..' HAHA made you look!

Hyuk snort. Alright, alright, that was juvenile. Juvenile humor is the feed for goofy personas or psycho vengeful maniacs shooting at people from a rooftop with a 9 millimeter, me thinks. (He should have a rifle... BC)

This is a Brahma Bull rope match by the way. NAO interferes and Al pins Rock. Get ready for the educational portion of the report in which we show you the step by step techniques of HOW to have sex.

1: You smear yourself on sexee like cream cheese on a poppy seed bagel. Whisper sweet nothings in his ear.  Sweet nothings... mm, if it's nothing sweet, you may as well not say anything at all. Just blow, then.

2: Roll over lump and kick up one leg to show that you are indeed, perhaps, excited. This would give your partner a certain sense of security and he may want to do something like, rub your belly to return the favor. If said belly is being rubbed, shake aforementioned leg.  By the way, Rock, can you work with Al here? You're a little less than enthused. Dude, NO ONE likes people who lay there like a log.

3: Splay in 'gynie appointment' position.

As in most sexual encounters, the aftermath left Rock feeling mighty used and Al feeling disgusted and asking himself, 'Why am I such a slut??? I'm so damn easy.'

Hey, you only live once and things happen, right?? As long as there aren't any 'hidden' girlfriends/boyfriends/ wives/husbands, it's okay to just have a little fun. Right?

In Steph and HHH's room, Tori confronts them and demands that Kane have a title match. Alright, granted but if Kane loses, Tori has to spend time with X-Pac. HHH says that X is a hard guy to shop for (Geez, I'm sure he could always use some more WEED. Tori is an awful gift. If I were X-Pac, I'd return her the next day, for sure.... Mad Phat Lab Monkey).

Tori leaves and HHH says, 'X-Pac's gonna love her..' HIM, you meant gonna love HIM!

D'oh.

Posse vs. Too Cool with Rikishi. By the way, I made a goof on a previous Signage of someone who spelled Rakishi, 'Rickishi'.  Apparently, WWF used to spell it RAKISHI but has since changed it, which is something they do frequently (i.e. Mideon). Anyways, so I retract and say that Signage person may indeed .. know how to spell 'BOB'.

Rikishi and Too Cool win and they do their little dance, of course. May I note that Scott Taylor cannot, for the life of him, dance. He dances as bad as Bostin does! Heh. Remember if one cannot find a beat, revert to the Cabbage Patch, the Head Bang or the Molly Ringworm dance.

Kane with Tori vs. Big Show. First of all and most important, I can't believe Tori is wearing pumps with that outfit. Get some lace-up boots with that, girl. I mean, boy.

Kane and Tori do their stance with the fireworks and I think I heard a chorus singing, 'SOLID GOLD!!' Go Marilyn McCoo!

JR states that Wight is walking down the ramp with a purpose. Noooooo, he's just walking with the belt, a shirt and thankfully, briefs on. It would be better if he was encased in a full-sized barrel but I suppose we can't ask for everything. Gotta take what you can get. Life's a bitch but you gotta deal with it, huh?

Anyways, Wight is getting ready to do his in-ring gesture. He closes his eyes because he knows the impact could probably make his eyeballs pop right out of their sockets. It's the Big POOT!  See all those people in the background? In just three seconds, they won't be sitting there anymore. They will all be blown straight to the ceiling because of that devastating Poot.

Anyways, nothing says INSANE like a head of messy, fly-away hair with wings.

Kane actually picked up Wight. Kane, you STRONG! I go tell my mother! I'm pretty sure I heard this sound coming out from beneath his mask though, 'OOOOOOOOOOOOF! My hernia!!!!!! Slim fast, will you? SLIM FAST!!!!!'

After NAO interferes, Show wins and NAO take Tori away.

So now she has to spend time with X-Pac. They can compare appendages, I suppose. I think Tori would win.

OH.