By Chokee Slam

Greensboro, NC

Hey, a happy new year to the Mad Phatties and .. all that stuff.... yeah. There are a few things that I am grateful for this year, such as therapy, fun, friends, being able to have a good time and of course, good sex!

The show starts off with Steph and DX. Oh, note to Steph: Pink jacket and dress slacks does not equal evil. What is evil is Road Dogg's dancing. He's doing a little jig that Mad Phat has dubbed 'the Jerry Lynn' dance.  (WOOHOOOO! ... BC)

Here's how it works, see. You lift your two arms up and as you're slightly tilted to the left, you pump pump, then you slightly tilt to the right and pump pump again. This must also be done with a constipated grimace on the face, then repeat and try to put some speed and attitude into it. If you're white, skip the attitude and ... well, actually, you're better off not moving. Heh.  (It works even better if you have an Axl Rotten around... BC)

Of course, this type of dance sort of demolishes the somewhat serious persona of a Jerry Lynn but I must gloat and say that Mad Phat is extremely privileged to have been witness to that. 

Oh wait, this is the WWF, right? Ah, same difference but we know who bites off of who. 

By the way, some further lessons in Gaydom, Butt. Nothing says gay like a baby blue shirt tied in a knot around the waist while drinking bottled water, Butt. Sparkling water is also a dead give-away. 

Heh. Hey, I've been a fag hag in my lifetime. I am well taught in these matters.

HHH gets the mike and says, 'This is the last Raw of the new millennium.' No, it's the last Raw of the OLD millennium, dummy. Dogg then walked over to him to perhaps whisper softly in his ear, 'Uuh, dude, it's not the NEW .. oh .. never mind. Go on.' In the least, HHH did correct himself.

HHH persists in speaking so the three DX members while away the time conversing amongst themselves.  Dogg would say, 'Okay, with this funkin' hat, I'll be Agarn Dogg. X-Pac, you've got Gilligan written all over you and Butt, you'll play Samantha from Bewitched.'

 Mick then comes out to tell them that DX was once upon a time, pretty cool. He then says to Dogg, 'How did it feel to have Test drop an elbow on you?'

Dogg may have thought, 'Whoa dude, that was his elbow??? I could have sworn it was his penis.' It's pretty obvious that Testes' protuberant would reach Dogg before his elbow ever would. Hell, we're talking long, baby. We're talking making balloon animals with it.

Of course DX beats up on Mick. JR then screamed, 'Here comes the Roach! Here comes the Rock!!' Well alright, I see the Roach, but where's the Rock??

D'oh. Heavens, I wouldn't want to see a roach the size of Rock coming down that ramp. Do you realize how much white goo would spew if it was stepped on? Hopefully no one in spewing range would have their mouths open. (ILLLLLL!!!! ... BC)

DX escape but HHH manages to set up a match for the evening. It'll be a Mick vs. Rock in a Pink Slip on a Pole match. Hey, that's pretty exciting. My heart will be in my throat waiting to see which one will end up wearing the pink slip. Oh, least we forget the pole dancing part of the match. You know, I've seen some girls do some incredible things with a pole in topless bars.   (WOOOHOOOO!! ... BC)

Excuse me. 

Well, this would definitely be a tough one to call but .. based on the skin tone, I think the pink slip would look better on Rock. However, with his sweating problem, he'll just end up sliding on the pole every time he tries to seductively climb it. 

Anyways, while the shock of HHH's booking seeps into Mick and Rock, Dogg is complaining to X about his busted Agarn cap. 'Look at this!! They ruined my hat!! Look at the dents!! It's a mess! Now what do I do??!' I guess you'll have to break open your F-Troop bank and get 50+ dollars for another hat at the merchandise stand.
HHH then points towards the ring and ... shows us Odd Inexplicable Muscle #35. It's shaped like a butt therefore, it's obviously the Buttcep, which can also be called the Assicep.

Kane is pacing about waiting for the arrival of Tori. Alright, dude, you know that couples are supposed to dress alike, right? Since Tori isn't much of a trooper and decided to not wear a she-version of a Kane mask, it's up to Kane to keep the faith. Okay, red dude, put on that black bra, red shorts and high heeled pumps. The ultimate show of love is usually a display of an embarrassing nature. I'm sure he'll look smashing though. 

Chyna (with Kat) challenges Crash, who answers it, accompanied by Bob Holly. Good grief, don't they realize how dangerous it is to have two sets of doppelgangers in the ring? It could create a rift in the space/ time continuum, you know.

Maybe they should have a Doppelganger on a Pole match.  Okay, WWF, we suggest that Austin regurgitates Debra from the pit of his stomach so she can get in the ring to challenge Chyna in a 'Reclaim My Doppelganger... on a pole match'. 
Chyna wins this match in what seemed like thirty seconds. Anyways, something happened when Kat got into the ring. First, all is peachy keen as we see Kat and Chyna about to give each other the celebratory high-five. The camera then cuts away to focus on Hang Time Holly...
... then..  next thing we know, Kat is on the mat with one leg up and keeping a valiant hold on her belt. Well, I can only assume that the high-five Chyna gave her really knocked her for a loop! Jesus, Chyna, put her through the mat, why don't ya? I guess Chyna doesn't know her own strength. Don't you realize it's 'Be Nice to your Doppelganger' week?? Play nice. 

Tori arrives and greets Kane. Tori says that she had a wonderful weekend with the gentlemanly X-Pac. Kane is confused and replied, 'WHUT?' My exact sentiments. Tori then goes to get Kane some coffee.

Kane, with head tilted, is probably about to scream, 'I don't like coffee! Get me a Pepsi One! A CHERRY COKE!! Any soda that has red and black colors on it! AND DON'T FORGET THE STRAW!! YOU ALWAYS FORGET THE STRAW!!! I CAN'T DRINK WITHOUT THAT STRAW!!!' 

I don't need my ears checked.

'During the break', Tori was getting something to drink when Testes came up to her and ... OOOH!! He put his arm around her to ask, 'Whatsup, m'man!' OH! She freaks out and runs away in fear. This would, of course, baffle any individual. Now the difference between Testes and any individual is a good 10-15 inches but he was still baffled as he said, 'What the hell was that all aboot??!' Aw man, you forgot to tell her that SHE FORGOT TO GET KANE A STRAW!!

Posse is in the ring. Pete Gas is the Special Time Keeper and he raised his arms up proudly. I'm sure he wants to take his job seriously so I'm sure he'll say, 'At the sound of the gas fart, the time will be 9:34 P.M. and 52 seconds!' Then the audience would cheer, hoot and holler because, they cheer at anything from the announcement of a wrestler to being called fuck-faces.

Joey Abs is the special ref and Rodney is the special announcer for this Godfather/ D'Lo vs. Dudleys vs. Edge/ Christian vs. Acolytes match.

Rod announced, 'Ladies and GentlemenS.' Mmm, yeah, he's better than Lillian Garcia. I sometimes wonder if Lillian gets more slack for what she's doing just because she's a female. She's a ring announcer and she manages to announce. Period. I reckon if she's not stripping, then there'd be some sort of protest, huh? I don't think many people paid attention to Finkel until he started stripping. 

Anyways, everyone HIT RODNEY!

The bell rings and the match starts. At this point, I was waiting for Pete Frog to say, 'OKAY, time out, put the pause button on this match because.. at the sound of the gas fart, the time will be 9:32 pm and 23 seconds! Thank you.'

JR explains the rules of the match, 'Tags can be made to any woman.' He DID say 'woman' which sounds a lot like the word, 'anyone.' Well, according to that rule, tags can be made only to .. Edge and Christian, right? WHOA! Just kidding. Need not fret, Edge and Christian have enough female admirers that they should be very comfortable with sexuality pokes.

The Posse interfere and beat up on Bradshaw so the Dudleys win. The Acolytes exact revenge as Rod and Abs get knocked out by a chair. Pete Frog is in the ring, but as he turns around, he faces Mr. Simmons. I bet Pete Frog's last words were, 'Oh, dear. Hey, it's 9:40 pm and 12 seconds.... OUCH!!' Then he'd groan, 'Riiiibbit. .. oh, my tadpoles.'

Tori is crying to Kane as he tells her to calm down. 'Down boy, easy, down, DOWN! AH SAID, AH SAID DOWN BOY!!'

Tori tells him that Testes touched her and was 'saying things to her.' Let me guess, he said, 'You have man hands.' No?? Well, I said it was a guess. She then belts out, 'He violated me!' and then hugged Kane who screamed, 'GAAAAAAAAAH!!' Good grief, Tori, can't you hear him screaming in pain?? YOU'RE STEPPING ON HIS FOOT WITH YOUR SPIKED HEELS!!! To make matters worse, you forgot his coffee, didn't you.
Steph and HHH are in their 'office' talking about an Angle match. HHH seems more interested in pointing out his little HHH. That's his little Happy Happy Happy.  Mm, dude, is that a roll of certs in your pants or are you happy to see her? (His lower case H wants to play... BC)

Kane comes into the room with Tori and in the gargliest wrestler voice he can muster up, he said, 'AAAAAAAAAH.' I reckon he was looking to HHH to get some Robitussin Honey Cough. 'Ludens, I need Ludens.. a straw won't help me consume that though. Just stick a funnel into my mouth slit.' So now Kane shall wrestle Test and not X-Pac without the funnel, of course.

Where is this story going?

Angle vs. Headbangers in a handicap match. Angle tripped going into the ring and camouflaged it by .. hugging the pole.  Hey, I'd do the exact same thing. If it was an extreme trip, you'd find yourself with your legs wrapped around the pole and most likely hanging upside down. Just keep telling the pole that you love it then. People are more likely to leave you alone if you're insane than if you're just clumsy.  (What if you're insanely clumsy???  ... BC)

Steve Blackman interferes in this match and Angle wins.

Al Snow comes out to tell the audience that he'd been in the business for 17 years. Don't forget the two months, 12 days, 45 hours, 67 seconds... To continue, he says that the people are ingrates and that the TV writers didn't write his little speech. Aw, don't even front like that. I can see your lines written out on your palm and the bottom of your shoe. Try to put one over on me, huh? Who do you think I am? A wrestling fan?

Wait a minute.

Al vs. Chris Jericho. Just when it seemed like Chris was going to be pinned, Chyna ran in, grabbed the nearest...  uh.. tumbleweed she could find and hit Al over the head with it. Alright, alright, it wasn't a tumbleweed, it was Head. Gee, Al, does she condition much? 
Jericho wins the match and JR lets us know that Chris has a look of bewilderment on his face. At this point, I can bet that Chris said, 'Boy, am I bewildered.'

Backstage, Mark Henry tells Harvey Whippleman to accompany him on a double date with Mae and Moolah.  Sure, why not. Just don't tell Bertha Faye. Hell, why let those night-life worthy Christmas sweaters that Mae and Moolah are wearing go to waste?? 

Mankind vs. Rock. DX watches the match in the dressing room. We notice these days that there is always a deli tray in DX's dressing room. Now Mad Phat is always mentioning the infamous deli tray so this could mean.... this could mean... that they're hungry. At least it's got Dogg's favorite food, HAM. I reckon that Road Dogg should always have a Ham on a Pole match so that he's sure to win. 

Hey, when it comes to food, you KILL to win and ... to eat.

Can someone wake X-Pac up? How stoned is that boy? Just remember to always puff puff give!! You can't break the rotation! People get killed over that!

Okay, this is the Pink Slip On A Pole match. Correct me if I'm wrong but when one gets a pink slip, they're fired, right?? They should make a slight adjustment in the match and call it a Pink Slip And PEN On A Pole match. Therefore whoever wins will get the chance to WRITE the other person's name on the pink slip and hand it over to... 

Oh never mind.

Al Snow runs in and hits Rock with the tumbleweed. Mick doesn't want to win it that way so he hits Al. FINE! Al leaves but before he does, he makes sure he gets his Head back. 'I'll just take my Head, thank you very much! I know when I'm not wanted.' Poor Al.

Rock wins the match. He should have screamed, 'HEY, I got the pink slip! I got the pink slip! I.. HEEEY!!! I feel that I've been smoked!' 

HAHA, gotcha!

Whoa, we get a distorted shot of Stephanie with an extreme Jay Leno chin. That looks like a 'Before' picture for Chyna.

Venis with Kat vs. Viscera with Jacqueline (I suppose because they're both black, they're paired together by default) vs. Prince Albert with Ivory vs. Gangreluna. Ivory is probably thinking, 'Hey, why do I get Scary Hairy?? He's gotten every single one of my combs stuck in his body forest. I protest.'

Okay, Venis and Albert start the match and... Albert's doing good. He lost Venis already. 'Where? Who? Huh?'  Hey Albert, he's behind you!! 

There wasn't a lot of work in this match. Ivory didn't even get into the ring but Albert won the match. Ivory is overjoyed of course, as she rushed in, cheering, 'WE did it! WE did good, huh?? WHOO! Am I tired! That was tough!'

Mick is saying his goodbyes to some of the wrestlers and the production crew. Aw.. they really know how to turn up the compassion level, don't they. 

X-Pac vs. Jeff Hardy. Jeff got on the turnbuckle and did some odd convulsive body movements. Actually, it looked more like he was revving up with some Ah ah AH's before letting out the GGGTZZZZ part of the sneeze. I often wonder why people hold in explosive sneezes. I mean, you just risk having your head fly off your shoulders or spewing all your intestines out through your nose. It's not pretty. 

I say, if you have to sneeze, let it out! Then again, he could have sneezed himself right out of the camera shot and we will not tolerate embarrassing moments in professional wrestling.

There's some dude back there with signage that says, 'WWF Hardy Boys'.  Uh, thanks, we had no idea. You've been helpful.
Terri finally gets involved in this match. She allowed Jeff to step on her back so he could throw himself onto X-Pac in the corner turnbuckles. Of course, she's left with an aching back and a big ole LUGZ footprint there. Thanks, Jeff. You couldn't wear Sketchers? The 'S' is much cooler.

X wins this match and poor Terri got the big boot print on her back for nothing. Tsk tsk.

Henry and his crew are having their date in, what looks like, a mall food stop. Some dude asks Henry for his autograph and then asks why he's such a loser. Hey, don't laugh, there are actually fans like that. THEY'RE asking for an autograph but still feel like the wrestler is not up to par to their standards. Go figure, huh?  (Classic case of the pot calling the kettle black... BC)

Anyways, Mae and Moolah beat up on the guy.  Moolah smeared herself on him but eventually falls on her back, flopping around. Great, she's fallen, she can't get up and I bet she doesn't even have one of those things.
Kane with Tori vs. Testes. Hey, check out the Big Red Zit!

Testes tells Kane that he didn't even touch Tori and he should get her some Prozac. Why should Kane get her that when she can't even get him a STRAW!!

JR states that Testes had had his nose broken, his heart broken... Hey, don't forget those often underrated type of injuries, such as broken nails, split ends, burst pimples, itchy paper cuts..  (Jock itch... BC)

Kane is disqualified for hitting the ref but he gives Testes a tombstone... you know, one for the road. Tori then slaps Testes.

Did I already ask where this story was going?

Steph, HHH and DX see that Mick hasn't left the arena because he's saying his farewells to staff and friends. They figure they should call security and have him kicked out. Well, if you guys are gonna go and kick Mick out of the arena, just make sure someone guards the deli tray! Look after the ham, for Dogg's sake! The cheese also!! I mean, come on, it's Gouda!

NAO with X-Pac vs. Too Cool with Rikishi. With Too Cool, it's not time to get down, it's time to GET WHITE! Good thing they're purposely dancing that way otherwise they would get lynched by the rhythm police. I don't know about Scott Taylor though. 

During Dogg's speech, Butt pooted again. I think this activity needs to be put to a stop. You better stuff a cork in his bunghole. I'm sure Dogg is also tired of asking Butt, 'You didn't eat my ham, did you?? Because that does smell like a ham fart..' 
X-Pac interferes in this match and NAO wins. Rikishi isn't too happy with this so he stands behind X-Pac and ... I reckon it's not our concern but why is  he wearing a phone cord around his neck?? Is it a Pez necklace? (A chicklet necklace...BC) Good thing it wasn't a ham necklace because he'd never get Dogg off his neck. We don't gnaw on the wrestlers. 

Unless we have to. This is my perspective, of course.

Rikishi was almost going to do the Butt Bomb on X but BUTT pulled X out of the way. That is  definitely a traumatic experience for X because he preferred to hug Butt. If X knew that he was face level with Butt's crotch, I'm sure he'd jump back and scream, 'AARGH! That's not any better! Take me to a safe place, please take me to a safe place.' 

There were entirely too many Butts in that last paragraph.

By the way... butt.

At one point, it seemed like Butt was going to leave X-Pac but this only made X tighten his hold.  'NO, don't leave me, please! I saw this big Mother Ass Ship hovering above me! You don't understand! I felt like a toilet bowl!' As cute as this makes X-Pac look, he was STILL wearing sandals a few Raws ago.

Scott Taylor is in the ring clapping his hands above his head. Aw, he's just happy that he found a beat. That's so sweet. The others seem uninterested but that's okay because ... this is his moment to shine. He happily claps and claps.... and if one has been clapping for a lengthy amount of time, you can be assured that it's because they don't know how to stop. 

Eventually they all do their little dance and Taylor.. falls out of beat again. He knew it wouldn't last.

Steph and HHH confront Mick to tell him to leave. Geez, do they have to yell at him like a stray dog?? 'GET out! LEAVE!!'

Eve of Destruction commercial with varied clips of wrestlers. There's Jericho doing his 'Don't hate me because I'm beautiful... OH! Something flew in my eye!' shot.  Damn those little eyelashes. I swear, sometimes you feel something in your eye, and when you pull it out, it's either a teeny tiny, microscopic piece of lint OR a long piece of .... dental floss or something. 

HHH vs. Big Show. Big Show walks in with a bit of attitude in his stride. 'Yeah, dat's right, I used the Big hot rollers on my hair, I got lipo and I'se RED to go!'

HHH says to Show, 'Oh by the way, I forgot to tell you.. this match.. will be a no DQ match..' Aw, don't you know anything? You should have declared it a 'HHH has to win match'. THEN you got the big dude beat! 

During this match, Show is draped across the announcer's table and HHH starts walking away. Hey, don't leave your garbage on other people's announcer's tables. It's rude, unsanitary and some stuffy person will probably deem it politically incorrect. 'DO NOT LEAVE YOUR BIG SHOW GARBAGE HERE!'


Eventually the ref is knocked out, HHH hits Show with the chair but Mick runs in and hits HHH with the chair.. and Big Show wins the match. You know, if anyone manages to win the belt from Big Show, they'd just end up wearing the thing like a hula hoop. Maybe winning it isn't such a great idea.

See if we care...
Email Chokee Slam** or Bostin Crab**
**Please note that any email (hate mail or otherwise) will become the property of
Mad Phat Wrestling, and may be reprinted on this site at any time in the future.