Hey, a happy new year to the Mad Phatties and .. all that stuff.... yeah. There are a few things that I am grateful for this year, such as therapy, fun, friends, being able to have a good time and of course, good sex!
The show starts off with Steph and DX. Oh, note to Steph: Pink jacket and dress slacks does not equal evil. What is evil is Road Dogg's dancing. He's doing a little jig that Mad Phat has dubbed 'the Jerry Lynn' dance. (WOOHOOOO! ... BC)
Of course, this type of dance sort of demolishes the somewhat serious persona of a Jerry Lynn but I must gloat and say that Mad Phat is extremely privileged to have been witness to that.
Oh wait, this is the WWF, right? Ah, same difference but we know who bites off of who.
By the way, some further lessons in Gaydom, Butt. Nothing says gay like a baby blue shirt tied in a knot around the waist while drinking bottled water, Butt. Sparkling water is also a dead give-away.
Heh. Hey, I've been a fag hag in my lifetime. I am well taught in these matters.
HHH gets the mike and says, 'This is the last Raw of the new millennium.' No, it's the last Raw of the OLD millennium, dummy. Dogg then walked over to him to perhaps whisper softly in his ear, 'Uuh, dude, it's not the NEW .. oh .. never mind. Go on.' In the least, HHH did correct himself.
Mick then comes out to tell them that DX was once upon a time, pretty cool. He then says to Dogg, 'How did it feel to have Test drop an elbow on you?'
Dogg may have thought, 'Whoa dude, that was his elbow??? I could have sworn it was his penis.' It's pretty obvious that Testes' protuberant would reach Dogg before his elbow ever would. Hell, we're talking long, baby. We're talking making balloon animals with it.
Of course DX beats up on Mick. JR then screamed, 'Here comes the Roach! Here comes the Rock!!' Well alright, I see the Roach, but where's the Rock??
D'oh. Heavens, I wouldn't want to see a roach the size of Rock coming down that ramp. Do you realize how much white goo would spew if it was stepped on? Hopefully no one in spewing range would have their mouths open. (ILLLLLL!!!! ... BC)
DX escape but HHH manages to set up a match for the evening. It'll be a Mick vs. Rock in a Pink Slip on a Pole match. Hey, that's pretty exciting. My heart will be in my throat waiting to see which one will end up wearing the pink slip. Oh, least we forget the pole dancing part of the match. You know, I've seen some girls do some incredible things with a pole in topless bars. (WOOOHOOOO!! ... BC)
Well, this would definitely be a tough one to call but .. based on the skin tone, I think the pink slip would look better on Rock. However, with his sweating problem, he'll just end up sliding on the pole every time he tries to seductively climb it.
Kane is pacing about waiting for the arrival of Tori. Alright, dude, you know that couples are supposed to dress alike, right? Since Tori isn't much of a trooper and decided to not wear a she-version of a Kane mask, it's up to Kane to keep the faith. Okay, red dude, put on that black bra, red shorts and high heeled pumps. The ultimate show of love is usually a display of an embarrassing nature. I'm sure he'll look smashing though.
Chyna (with Kat) challenges Crash, who answers it, accompanied by Bob Holly. Good grief, don't they realize how dangerous it is to have two sets of doppelgangers in the ring? It could create a rift in the space/ time continuum, you know.
Tori arrives and greets Kane. Tori says that she had a wonderful weekend with the gentlemanly X-Pac. Kane is confused and replied, 'WHUT?' My exact sentiments. Tori then goes to get Kane some coffee.
I don't need my ears checked.
'During the break', Tori was getting something to drink when Testes came up to her and ... OOOH!! He put his arm around her to ask, 'Whatsup, m'man!' OH! She freaks out and runs away in fear. This would, of course, baffle any individual. Now the difference between Testes and any individual is a good 10-15 inches but he was still baffled as he said, 'What the hell was that all aboot??!' Aw man, you forgot to tell her that SHE FORGOT TO GET KANE A STRAW!!
Joey Abs is the special ref and Rodney is the special announcer for this Godfather/ D'Lo vs. Dudleys vs. Edge/ Christian vs. Acolytes match.
Rod announced, 'Ladies and GentlemenS.' Mmm, yeah, he's better than Lillian Garcia. I sometimes wonder if Lillian gets more slack for what she's doing just because she's a female. She's a ring announcer and she manages to announce. Period. I reckon if she's not stripping, then there'd be some sort of protest, huh? I don't think many people paid attention to Finkel until he started stripping.
Anyways, everyone HIT RODNEY!
The bell rings and the match starts. At this point, I was waiting for Pete Frog to say, 'OKAY, time out, put the pause button on this match because.. at the sound of the gas fart, the time will be 9:32 pm and 23 seconds! Thank you.'
JR explains the rules of the match, 'Tags can be made to any woman.' He DID say 'woman' which sounds a lot like the word, 'anyone.' Well, according to that rule, tags can be made only to .. Edge and Christian, right? WHOA! Just kidding. Need not fret, Edge and Christian have enough female admirers that they should be very comfortable with sexuality pokes.
Tori is crying to Kane as he tells her to calm down. 'Down boy, easy, down, DOWN! AH SAID, AH SAID DOWN BOY!!'
Kane comes into the room with Tori and in the gargliest wrestler voice he can muster up, he said, 'AAAAAAAAAH.' I reckon he was looking to HHH to get some Robitussin Honey Cough. 'Ludens, I need Ludens.. a straw won't help me consume that though. Just stick a funnel into my mouth slit.' So now Kane shall wrestle Test and not X-Pac without the funnel, of course.
Where is this story going?
Steve Blackman interferes in this match and Angle wins.
Al Snow comes out to tell the audience that he'd been in the business for 17 years. Don't forget the two months, 12 days, 45 hours, 67 seconds... To continue, he says that the people are ingrates and that the TV writers didn't write his little speech. Aw, don't even front like that. I can see your lines written out on your palm and the bottom of your shoe. Try to put one over on me, huh? Who do you think I am? A wrestling fan?
Wait a minute.
Backstage, Mark Henry tells Harvey Whippleman to accompany him on a double date with Mae and Moolah. Sure, why not. Just don't tell Bertha Faye. Hell, why let those night-life worthy Christmas sweaters that Mae and Moolah are wearing go to waste??
Mankind vs. Rock. DX watches the match in the dressing room. We notice these days that there is always a deli tray in DX's dressing room. Now Mad Phat is always mentioning the infamous deli tray so this could mean.... this could mean... that they're hungry. At least it's got Dogg's favorite food, HAM. I reckon that Road Dogg should always have a Ham on a Pole match so that he's sure to win.
Hey, when it comes to food, you KILL to win and ... to eat.
Okay, this is the Pink Slip On A Pole match. Correct me if I'm wrong but when one gets a pink slip, they're fired, right?? They should make a slight adjustment in the match and call it a Pink Slip And PEN On A Pole match. Therefore whoever wins will get the chance to WRITE the other person's name on the pink slip and hand it over to...
Oh never mind.
Rock wins the match. He should have screamed, 'HEY, I got the pink slip! I got the pink slip! I.. HEEEY!!! I feel that I've been smoked!'
Venis with Kat vs. Viscera with Jacqueline (I suppose because they're both black, they're paired together by default) vs. Prince Albert with Ivory vs. Gangreluna. Ivory is probably thinking, 'Hey, why do I get Scary Hairy?? He's gotten every single one of my combs stuck in his body forest. I protest.'
There wasn't a lot of work in this match. Ivory didn't even get into the ring but Albert won the match. Ivory is overjoyed of course, as she rushed in, cheering, 'WE did it! WE did good, huh?? WHOO! Am I tired! That was tough!'
Mick is saying his goodbyes to some of the wrestlers and the production crew. Aw.. they really know how to turn up the compassion level, don't they.
I say, if you have to sneeze, let it out! Then again, he could have sneezed himself right out of the camera shot and we will not tolerate embarrassing moments in professional wrestling.
X wins this match and poor Terri got the big boot print on her back for nothing. Tsk tsk.
Henry and his crew are having their date in, what looks like, a mall food stop. Some dude asks Henry for his autograph and then asks why he's such a loser. Hey, don't laugh, there are actually fans like that. THEY'RE asking for an autograph but still feel like the wrestler is not up to par to their standards. Go figure, huh? (Classic case of the pot calling the kettle black... BC)
JR states that Testes had had his nose broken, his heart broken... Hey, don't forget those often underrated type of injuries, such as broken nails, split ends, burst pimples, itchy paper cuts.. (Jock itch... BC)
Kane is disqualified for hitting the ref but he gives Testes a tombstone... you know, one for the road. Tori then slaps Testes.
Did I already ask where this story was going?
Steph, HHH and DX see that Mick hasn't left the arena because he's saying his farewells to staff and friends. They figure they should call security and have him kicked out. Well, if you guys are gonna go and kick Mick out of the arena, just make sure someone guards the deli tray! Look after the ham, for Dogg's sake! The cheese also!! I mean, come on, it's Gouda!
NAO with X-Pac vs. Too Cool with Rikishi. With Too Cool, it's not time to get down, it's time to GET WHITE! Good thing they're purposely dancing that way otherwise they would get lynched by the rhythm police. I don't know about Scott Taylor though.
Unless we have to. This is my perspective, of course.
There were entirely too many Butts in that last paragraph.
By the way... butt.
At one point, it seemed like Butt was going to leave X-Pac but this only made X tighten his hold. 'NO, don't leave me, please! I saw this big Mother Ass Ship hovering above me! You don't understand! I felt like a toilet bowl!' As cute as this makes X-Pac look, he was STILL wearing sandals a few Raws ago.
Eventually they all do their little dance and Taylor.. falls out of beat again. He knew it wouldn't last.
Steph and HHH confront Mick to tell him to leave. Geez, do they have to yell at him like a stray dog?? 'GET out! LEAVE!!'
HHH vs. Big Show. Big Show walks in with a bit of attitude in his stride. 'Yeah, dat's right, I used the Big hot rollers on my hair, I got lipo and I'se RED to go!'
HHH says to Show, 'Oh by the way, I forgot to tell you.. this match.. will be a no DQ match..' Aw, don't you know anything? You should have declared it a 'HHH has to win match'. THEN you got the big dude beat!
Eventually the ref is knocked out, HHH hits Show with the chair but Mick runs in and hits HHH with the chair.. and Big Show wins the match. You know, if anyone manages to win the belt from Big Show, they'd just end up wearing the thing like a hula hoop. Maybe winning it isn't such a great idea.