backlash.jpg (16938 bytes)
By Chokee Slam
bar2.gif (1112 bytes)

Providence, R.I.

Brood opens up this PPV just standing there, enshrouded by the dry ice. I was waiting for them to glide to the ring.. like a scene from Salem's Lot. Instead, they start walking. Correction: Edge and Christian walks, Gangrel waddles (like my grandmother, even). What a charming vampire he is, huh? Let's see how long it'll be before he weeble-wobbles.

Meanwhile, we still take notice of Edge's bulge which is horizontally long. You crazy grinner you, you rolled the tube sock the wrong way! Your package looks the same way boobs do in sport bras. One long tube. Vampires are an odd species.

Brood vs. Acolytes with Midian. Judging by the expression on Bradshaw's face,  he's all rearing to go. To sleep, that is.

bl001.jpg (9992 bytes)
By the way, why does Mideon have a tattoo of Dan Severn on his arm (yes yes, we're sure it's not Severn but.. we MUST humor ourselves, okay?)? And another thing, Mideon looks like someone who would wear his underwear one day, then turn it around and wear it for the next day. Considering how often they're on the road, that's a possibility, huh? Either that or he'd have to borrow Runnel's thongs. Or Goldust's thongs. Or Kenny's thongs.

Another by the way, the Rhode Island audience was pretty raunchy. When they chanted, I think California could hear them. Now THAT'S the proper way to do it. I only wish they said something profound. Just kidding. Chants weren't meant to be philosophical and can't get any more profound than, 'Mideon sucks!' Apparently, when they started that chant, it woke Bradshaw up to that fateful truth and he was actually smirking. He probably thought, 'Hey, well whatta ya know, he DOES suck!'

bl002.jpg (16395 bytes) The match continues and Bradshaw must have gotten sleepy again since he's leaning into the ring rope allowing his tittie sacs to hang over as well. That's about how I look at work, except my breasteses are just laying on the table, my forehead is also pressed to the table and I'm drooling and wishing for the day to end. I understand how tiring work can be, Brad Shaw.
It didn't take too long for this match to get out of control. Bradshaw almost pinned Christian, but Gangrel slid in and looked like he was about to tap Bradshaw on the shoulder to say, 'Uh.. excuse me, Mr. Shaw, you can't pin my friend there.' At least we wish that would have happened. Instead Gangrel pulled Bradshaw off his little meal.

The Acolytes win. Then it's off to Denny's for Edge while Gangrel feeds on Christian patties.

Al Snow vs. Hard Holly who is now sporting new boy leg briefs. The pattern emphasized his .. thing... but yo, Holly, green is hardly a hardcore color. The typeface used to write his name on his tights also belongs on a tampon box or something. Snow blades himself during this match and it reaches its hardcore hilt.

Now with all the items they use during this match (i.e. hockey sticks, pans, etc.), could something like an annoying paper cut perhaps throw them off their hardcore mode? I think everyone knows how excruciatingly annoying a paper cut is. Perhaps they could use a bottle of Bactine and spray it on a cut which would leave them screaming like 3 year old girls and the match would end. Well, in the least, this would happen to us.

JR states that everything is legal. So you mean if one of them brought in a gun, that would be alright?? I don't know about that.

Meanwhile Holly gets wet with water so as he shakes the water off him like a dog, we catch sight of ... Mr. Farooq Simmons in the background! Hi, Mr. Simmons!! How's the family?? No crucifixions this evening, huh?

bl003.jpg (17378 bytes)
bl004.jpg (11750 bytes) Eventually they get thrown into this big plastic blue thing. JR doesn't know what it is but it looks like one of those blue things that you put in freezers, just an Alice-in-Wonderland sized version. I guess it belongs in Big Show's refrigerator then.
Eventually, this match gets taken to the dumpsters and fifty rat bites later, they finally take it back to the ring. Then Holly shows everyone that Al has forgotten his underwear! Hey Bostin, whatchoo doing on the floor unconscious like that with that grin on your face??  (eeeehhhhhuuuuugggghhhheeeerrrrrrlllllll.... B.C.) bl005.jpg (19523 bytes)
bl006.jpg (19174 bytes) Finally after getting thrown through a table, Holly and Al lay there looking like they had a passionate rough night of sex (you know, the ones where you end up with a thong on your head).  (Or a condom stuck to your ass ... B.C.)  At another perspective, they look like 2 Jesuses. (Or is that Jesii?? ...B.C.)
Al wins this match and becomes Hardcore Champion! Hurray! Well, it's about time! He's probably thinking, 'thanks for the crappy belt. You wanna give me some more scotch tape for it?' Then Holly would probably reply in true hardcore fashion, 'Hey, enjoy the belt. And I hope you choke on it.'

Undertaker is backstage speaking to his peeps. 'The clamity begins..,' he says. CLAMITY?? Go back to being pre-recorded. So UT is talking about the 'ultimate evil' which makes us wonder who or what would UT worship higher than himself?? Is it something unpredictable like a naked picture of Bea Authur??

By the way, we had a Mad Phat fan bring a sign to this event that said, 'UNDERTAKER FEARS THE WET SPOT' but unfortunately the camera dudes didn't pick it up. Still, I thank Christa for bringing it. She reported that Undertaker HAD seen the sign but didn't seem to like it. Then again, he does have to maintain his dark character. Thankfully we didn't get her killed or tombstoned. Though I think she'd like the tombstoning part.

Goldust with Blue Meanie vs. Godfather. Bostin just stated that Meanie looks a bit like her grandmother, the one with A tooth. Poor Meanie.

Godfather calls out the odd looking lot of hoes. One of them is mighty flat chested and looks so strangely elongated that she resembles a gourd. I thought I spotted a mustache on her also but don't rely on these eyes. The best looking one has arms that seem to be stretching down to her knees. Another one has her breasts down to her knees. Oh well, if they have personalities I'm sure I wouldn't be concentrating on their looks.

Of course, Lawler is talking about their puppies. But we saw a few runts in there though.

On to a better topic, we're happy that Blue Meanie wasn't fired. Though we'd like to see him in ECW where he could be utilized better, hell, he deserves a better pay check. We noticed that his roots are showing and this is probably because he thought he wasn't going to get those whopping WWF paychecks anymore so he had to ration his blue dye.

Godfather wins this match if anyone cares.

Cole is interviewing Al in the men's toilet. That's worse than the dumpster Al. Do you slide that body into the same bed with your wife? Just kidding. I'm sure he showers.

NAO enters. They have a new shirt that I thought said 'Clean the Jerk.' Yes, please clean Billy Butt up.. clean his hair, his face, wipe off all that self tanning crap off his body. Oh, you mean that's not make-up? He sat under a tanning bed for 5 weeks straight to get that wrinkly orange look.

NAO vs. Jarrett and Owen Hart.  Before this match begins, Butt decides to show his butt yet again. The ref sees this as an opportunity to do something that children should not see. Basically, the letters on Owen's tights expresses this act in the best possible way.. 'OH.' bl007.jpg (21582 bytes)
By the way, we're still wondering if they are the New Age Outlaws, why are they not coming out to Yanni music? Even John Tesh.

Aw come on, I'm sure y'all made worse jokes.

Jarrett is laid out on the canvas at one point and the camera gets a shot of the top of his head. Looks like someone dropped an iron on it or something. See the outline?? Wrestling is becoming more and more like Looney Tunes. I highly approve. Speaking of hair, in mid-match, Dogg's braids wanted to liberate themselves and tried jumping off his head. He'll have to change this name to Road Octopus.

bl008.jpg (14191 bytes) bl009.jpg (17546 bytes)
NAO wins the match and we still don't hear any Yanni music. So Billy Butt flashes his face to the audience yet again. Okay okay, his ass, his face. What's the diff? Excuse me. I think the world has seen enough of his ass. It'd be more interesting to see Dogg's butt considering he never shows it. I'd be curious to see how flat, wide and white it may actually be. I'd like to know if I can use it as an ironing board. (Or to signal rescue planes!  ... B.C.)
Signage:LET'S SEE THOSE PUUPIES! PUUPIES???! What kind of IIDIOT are you?? Can't you SPEEL? bl010.jpg (13453 bytes)

Kevin Kelly is interviewing Vinnie Mac about the current situations with Shane. Vince says, 'It's not just strange, it's surreal..' Hey, who's Sir Real?? Is he related to Sir Loin of Beef? (Damn, that Looney Tunes again).

Big Show vs. Mankind in a Boiler Room match. This was pretty hard to watch. Poor Mick cut his hand pretty bad due to the amount of glass being broken over heads and all. Of course for dramatic effect, Mankind would leave bloody hand prints on the floor and the walls. Effective but unnecessary. Stop it already.

bl011.jpg (10757 bytes) Meanwhile the ref is to wait outside the boiler room waiting for something to happen to his life. Okay, he's waiting for someone to come out of the boiler room to declare him the winner. It looks more like he's plotting the destruction of the world though. Perhaps he's thinking, 'If I don't move, no one will see me..'
Mankind does win but Boss Man and Testes run in to beat on him until the Giant awakes. Then Boss Man did the only thing he could to protect himself. He threw Testes in the way.

Backstage interview with HHH and Chyna who is sporting this killer spiked bra. HHH was sporting it, not Chyna. Just kidding. I suppose she was intending to run towards X-Pac with her breasts jutting out to do some major damage. Chyna said, 'There's a pecking order here.' I'll have 2 peckers to go then.. put it in a doggie bag.

X-Pac vs. HHH. This match went on a wee bit too long so I actually wouldn't have minded seeing Chyna running full steam ahead with her spiked breasts but I bet she would miss and spike herself to a wall or something. When HHH walked into the ring, I said to Bostin, 'Yo Bostin! Adjust the color on your television set! HHH is pumpkin'd color!' Turns out that he (along with Billy Butt) have spent equal amounts of time sleeping under a tanning bed. HHH is so damn orange, you can cut him in half and juice him for a morning beverage full of vitamin C. Or peel him to add flavoring to beef.

Well, wasn't that morose.

The ref eventually gets knocked out and Chyna interferes but Kane comes in to make things right. It would have been nice to see him play referee-in-waiting so he'd have to wear a black and red striped shirt. Vertical stripes of course. Horizontal ones make you look wide. It's sweet that Kane is finally putting some trust in X-Pac and becoming his protector. But uh Kane, if your friend is in trouble, I'd recommend that you don't wait for your entrance music to cue up first. That leaves about 10 minutes for your little buddy to get jacked up. What if the entrance music started skipping?? You'd have to go back to the dressing room, come out again, back to the dressing room, come out again, etc. Little X would be stew by then.

We first thought Kane was going to take Chyna away and climb up to the Empire State Building with her but instead he helps out by chokeslamming HHH and Chyna, then laying them against the turnbuckles so X can do his favorite face-raping move.

Kane flips himself backwards over the top rope (okay bye), X returns to his senses and sees what Kane has given him. 'Well whatta ya know. It's Christmas!' X does the bronco moves but still lost the match. Kane was probably backstage thinking, 'aaaaw look at you. I gave that to you and you STILL lost? Work with me here, huh?'

Kenny Shamrock vs. Undertaker. Looks like Kenny just woke up. He must have been backstage dreaming about screaming, baseball bats and new sisters. Or screaming new sisters with baseball bats. Or bats with her sister screaming at baseballs. Ah forget it. Get some more rest, Ken, you need your beauty sleep. OH. The more miraculous thing was that the camera was able to find 2 people in the audience clapping for Kenny. He's got two fans! WHOO HOO! I wonder how much he paid them. Just kidding. Kenny has been receiving some warm welcome lately and deservedly so. He has become a good wrestler. bl012.jpg (10278 bytes)
During this match, Undertaker starts choking Kenny but the ref tells him to stop. To that, UT looked like, 'Aw .. whatta mean stop choking him? What kind of wrestling match is this?? Next you're gonna tell me that I can't wrestle him.'

Lawler states that UT, with his new look, resembles Lucifer or Beelzebub. Wow, Lawler, I didn't know you actually MET Lucifer or Ole B.L. Bub to make the connection! Did you get his phone number? I think many people have a few things to say to him, many things to blame him for.

This match had some pretty great counter moves and became a very good technical match. UT was about to chokeslam Kenny but Kenny practically climbed up and attached himself to UT's head like the Blob and managed to bring the big dead dude down. Too bad the camera was at the wrong angle since we could have gotten a capture of Undertaker and his new Ken Shamrock Bonnet.

UT hits Kenny and JR said, 'That was a right hand and a half.' That would mean UT's got like 2 1/2 extra fingers??

Meanwhile Bearer is outside the ring having his own problems to deal with. Someone in the audience yells at him, 'SHUT UP YOU FAT BASTARD!!!' It was such a LOUD, gruff bark of a voice. This guy was probably three feet tall.. perhaps it wasn't even a guy but a girl with pigtails and a pink fluffy dress.

Hey, it's possible.

After more submission hold exchanges, Kenny loses the match. Bradshaw takes the opportunity and beats up on the fallen Kenny though.

Austin vs. Rock. Prior to the match, Vince told Stephanie to stay in the limo and wait for him. Believe it or not, I was about to fall asleep watching this match a second time. Not that it wasn't good, I was just really fatigued.

So Stevie won the match even though referee Shane wasn't being fair but with the intervening of Vince, Stevie got his snake-lined belt back.

The ending was the icing on the cake. UT drives off with the limo that Stephanie was in. He turns his head sharply (I'm surprised he didn't pull a Linda Blair.. be careful how you tork your head there UT, you're liable to fling it right off your shoulders one day and boy, would that be freaky) and said, 'Where to Stephanie..' My, it was so Cryptkeeper-like. Very Angus Scrimm as well.

Very silly.

This is Chokee signing off for now and preparing for another long weekend.

See if we care...
Email Chokee Slam** or Bostin Crab**
**Please note that any email (hate mail or otherwise) will become the property of
Mad Phat Wrestling, and may be reprinted on this site at any time in the future.