by Chokee Slam

Buffalo, NY

Wow, Mad Phat is almost making its first full year cycle. We've annoyed many, we've entertained many and we are still having (and making) fun of the genre. We're pathetic! WHOO!!

Heat footage where Undertaker attacks Austin. As the officials and refs try to break up the ruckus, we see that Sgt. Slaughter has other motives. Here's my intuitive reporting. 'Moments Ago', Sgt. Slaughter was looking to squeeze some boobs and propositions UT. Then again, UT had his shirt opened and his boobs were jiggling free begging for someone to, 'come on, get some..'

Men. You know, they dress a certain way which just SCREAMS that they want IT. I don't know what IT is but, it's something that they want, I tell you. Oh yes.

Edge vs. Jarrett. The night before in Toronto's Skydome, Edge actually won the Intercontinental Title from Jarrett (you know, it took about four brains to eventually figure out who the current IC Champion is. This shows how important title belts are, huh?). We are shown some clips of the event.  What happened to Edge's bottom half? It's a strong possibility that he ate it. Check out those choppers.

You know, I don't know why this came to mind but once, a friend was reading a TV Guide horror movie summary that said, 'Giant man-eating mollusks destroys a home town..' and she said, 'why would a man eat mollusks? And what made him a giant?'

Well, I thought it was hilarious.

Edge gets in the ring sporting his hefty bag trenchcoat. What? I've worn things like that. Doesn't mean I can't make fun of it. Jarrett comes out with Debra who is wearing her PPV costume: the chandelaire outfit. Now THAT I've found myself wearing when I'm drunk and have fallen and tripped into some beaded curtains, hence rolling around and entangling myself in it.

During this match, Jarrett managed to get a grab-sy at Edge's hein-y as Edge attempted a pin. Perhaps Jarrett just wanted to make sure Edge didn't fire away. Usually when something horrific is blown in your face, the gut reaction is to shield it with your hands. Sometimes it works, sometimes .. well.. you find yourself without eyebrows and missing some important fingers. Yes, a LETHAL fart can do that.

Meanwhile, check out the kid in the audience who is staring at Debra.  He should just be labeled 'Potential Stalker'. Check out his low eyebrows, the BOB haircut (yo, the 80's is so over) and he seems to be thinking, 'She will be mine.. oh yes, she will be.. ' But first he's gotta get past the big bald man with the jelly roll.

Eventually the lights go out and Gangrel runs in, presses on him then rolls over Edge. I guess Gangrel was intending to make tortillas out of Edge. The lights go back on and there's a blood bath puddle on the ground which looks more like Gangrel just spewed. 'I frew up...' Aw, Luna make it better. Y'all think his head spun around full circle before he spewed?

Oh, Jarrett won his belt back.

Backstage, Stevie gets taped up and he speeds towards the ring where Jarrett and Debra are still hanging out. I think that his blood loss made him woozy because after he stunned Jarrett (who wouldn't be stunned seeing a big bald dude with jelly roll running full speed at you?), Stevie got a spaz attack. (Yes, hoards of spaz engulfed him and took over his entire being).

Here is the spaz replay: his foot slides off the bottom rope but thankfully he was still holding onto the top rope otherwise, many would have died from laughter.

Of course, after that happened, all equilibrium and dignity was lost. (I've been in those situations - don't laugh... BC) (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...CS)

He falls down and tries to get up, clinging onto dear life and the top rope.

(Yo man, that's fucked up.... BC)

Finally the director shows mercy and switches camera angles to a shot of Austin's giant ass. WHOA, he stole Wight's butt! Perhaps it was his big ass that made him lose his balance.

Austin takes the mic and has some choice words for UT. He says if he's going into the match with stitches on his head, so will UT's sorry ass. So you're saying that UT's sorry ass is going to have stitches .. going into the match?

Sounds good to me. It might be a good idea to seal up that crack anyways.

Acolytes vs. Hard Boys and Dok Hendrix. They never explained why the Acolytes had to wrestle 3 dudes. Well, Dok is questionable in the dude department. Sorry. Actually, they probably figured, what harm would Dok do anyways? He'd just end up hurting himself first.

By the way, the fair Hard Boy looks pale and anemic. Someone give him a steak! He takes some damn good brutal falls though.

The Acolytes win their tag titles back in spite of Bradshaw getting caned on his dyed black noggin. After the match, Bradshaw takes a piece of the cane, shows it to Mr. Simmons like, 'Hey, lookee this thing. Look at what they hit me with.' Mr. Simmons is somewhat uninterested, 'Well.. that was bound to happen one day. I mean, if I had a cane, I'd probably hit you with it too...'

Whoops.

By the way, we love Mr. Simmons' voice. It's that low almost stereotypical black man's voice. YEAH. He still shouldn't have the mic though.

Backstage Kevin Kelly interviews D'lo who says it's been 9 months since he held the European Title. WOW, he could have had a baby in those 9 months.

After D'lo walks off, Kevin Kelly looked at him like, 'Ooooh, sweet mysteries of life at last I've foooound him....' D'Lo vs. Mideon for the European Title. Three seconds into the match and Mideon was already winded. As great an athlete as D'Lo is, it's very hard when your opponent is .. a load.

D'lo even executed this torpedoe-like move by flying through the ropes directly at the big eye on Mideon's shirt. It was like a tremendous eye poke. I can't believe I said tremendous. D'lo wins!! As if anyone would believe Mideon can keep the title…. strapped around his growing waist.

Al Snow vs. Bossman. Early into the match, we see Al sit on Bossman and skootched upward. Was he butthole surfing on Bossman? That's vile. Even worse, you're squashing all the lunchables in his vest pockets, you know.

I guess it was a bad night for cameramen as the one filming this segment kept getting knocked over.  Check out his grimey sneakers. Doesn't the WWF pay you anything? Actually his foot is at an extremely odd angle. Shouldn't the toe be pointing upward, especially if he had fallen on his ass? Eventually he got back up and ended up having Al's head spear him. Yo dude, just go home, lock your doors and throw away all sharp objects. Don't even have dental floss lieing around, you're liable to hang yourself.

Boss then yelled at Al, 'Get up you piece of shit..' OOOH, he said the brown word. Good thing he didn't say the 'pink' word. I was thinking PIG, what are YOU thinking of?

Then Bossy tries to get on a golf-cart and couldn't get the thing started. He stepped on it frantically, shaking the whole cart. What a hardcore gimp. A hardcore stoop.

They take the match outside and ..  looks like Al is trying to see what Bossy has to say. Hey, his asshole, his mouth, what's the diff?

This match ends with Boss handcuffing Al to the gate who then drools like a St. Bernard. You know, it's not the blood, the violence, not even Bossy's anticipated fart that makes a hardcore match so hardcore. It's the drool. Yo Al, no one is going to wanna free you when you're rabid.

Backstage Kelly is interviewing Holly, the special referee for the Kane vs Big Show match. Holly threatens Kelly, 'don't roll your eyes cuz I'll beat your ass too.' Kelly watched Holly walk off and then mouthed something. Couldn't really tell what he said but to the best of our abilities, we truly believe that he may have said, 'door'. Maybe it was 'poor'.

Camera scans the audience and WHOA dude, what an inappropiate time to be picking your nose.  Did you find any odd shaped ones?? Look, some girl is totally pointing at him.

Big Show enters. He's getting really chubby. He should be aptly renamed 'The Fully Bloated Big Show'. Kane tries to take The Big Show down but Lawler says that 'Kane's blows are not having any effect on Big Show.' I don't know but perhaps Kane should sample his blows on me and I'll see if they have any effect.

Kane gets up on the top rope and we figure the cameraman is in love with this Big Red Man. He gets a good shot of the red moon rising. Hey camera dude, you're not performing to your full potential. I want a shot of his COLON!

Holly interferes, then X-Pac makes the save, then UT gets involved and takes the advantage. He ends up draping X on Kane like a throw so that we can get the 'just had sex' photo finish.  I think UT's just jealous that the only man he can attract is Big Show and Kane got himself a little hottie. Hell, to make it worse, Show prefers Holly. See, he's escorting Holly to the back, perhaps to scream, 'GET IN MY BELLY!'

Backstage Austin promptly attacks UT and makes him juice. Photo still of the Kenny vs. Blackman Iron Circle Match. Blackman: 'Are my nails dry yet?'

Re-cap of the feud and a flashback of the scene where Blackman wields his... utensils? They're his LETHAL utensils, like the fearful salad tongs, the dreaded ladel, the slotted spoon. He intends to toss some fierce salad. Actually those are his mini-scythes that he uses to harvest dwarf wheat or attack smaller souls.

Iron Circle match. Cars are placed in a circle in the parking garage while some select wrestlers pound on the hoods or honk the horns (if HHH was there, he wouldn't even need a car horn). For some reason, this scene triggers a song in my head. It goes something like this, 'When you're a jet, you're a jet till the end..' I don't really remember the lyrics to West Side Story. Really.. I don't. Don't even try it. I was a goth, not a closet gay.

WHOOPS. Sorry.

WHOA, stop the musical number. Someone placed a very delicate hand on Sgt. Slaughter's back.  Now the musical number switches to 'I just met a girl named Ma- riiia (or Sgt. Slaughter)...'

JR dubs Blackman 'the silent assassin'. Yeah, he's The Lethal Fart. In spite of how lethal Blackman's farts may be, Kenny still won. Kenny walks away, proud and tough, all are watching him (except for Blackman who is staring at the ceiling), perhaps thinking, 'Did you ever know that you're my hero? You're the wind beneath my armpits, you know.' Hey, is that Harvey Keitel and Richard Dreyfuss? Hey Mr. White and Mr. Holland's Opus!

Red Rooster interviews Undertaker backstage. UT says, 'the most dangerous animal is a hurt animal..' No, I reckon the Rooster you're standing next to could be a pretty dangerous animal. He could peck you. (Thanks JR!)

Backstage elsewhere, Cole is interviewing Chyna and Billy Butt. X-Pac was hurt and Cole figures they got a break because of X's 'condition'. Chyna interrupts, 'Screw his condition..' I'd be happy to. Just tell me where he is.

I'm waiting.

I'm waiting.. with pudding.

Chyna and Butt vs. X-Pac and Road Dogg for the rights to DX.

Good to see X is ready for the match. Or is he?  Hey, ya smoke some weed much? Actually that's the way I look at work everyday so.. I understand. In mid- match, Dogg sits in the middle of the ring, not knowing what's going to happen next. He might be thinking about.. weed.

Chyna is walking behind him. All is calm and serene, the birds are chirping.. somewhere, the smell of flowers is evident.. somewhere. There's no cause for alarm, everything is just fine.

And then.... this happened

Spaz attacked her as well this evening. There's a rampant case of it in the arena, I believe.

Oh, Dogg and X win and here's their victory picture.  Dogg is about to deepthroat the mic and X is like a deer caught in headlights. Ladies and gentlemen, your winners.

Backstage, Austin is strapping up his knee gear. JR says, 'Austin's got a bandage on his head..' You forgot to mention the gay vest on his back also.

Re-cap of the HHH/ Rock feud. Once upon a time, Rock wore a black turtleneck shirt. He's like Mike Meyer's character, Dieter. 'Would you like to touch my monkey... ass?' Not really but thanks for offering.

Oh, this is a strap match which was somewhat slow and drawn out. One point, some audience member jubilantly patted Rock and was like, 'OOOH, I patted the Rock!!' Of course this usually turns to fear as the Rock's sweat starts to feel stingy and tingly on the hand as it slowly eats away at your skin. 'Eew, I patted the Rock.. someone get me some Lysol, huh? Better yet, someone cut my hand off.'

Chyna eventually walks in. She looks a little different. We reckon it might be her twin sister, Koreea.

Then HHH has the strap around Rock's neck and is perched on the top turnbuckle as the Rock is sitting down on the mat, causing himself to be 'hung'. (OH! Not that kind of HUNG!!) Hey Rock, why don't you just stand up?? Geez, I bet you flail in your bathtub when the water starts getting too high, huh? (Do you drown in a glass of water?? ...BC)

Then Rock smartens up and gets up, pulls on the strap, and sends HHH sailing. JR comments, 'The Rock just jerked Helmsley off..' WHAH!??? Oh, JR didn't finish, '.... the top rope..' WHOO.

By the way, I have pudding if you guys wanna borrow a few tubs of it.

Ten hours later and this match is STILL on. Yes, I exaggerate but I promise I shall never do that again. I promise. Really.

When the Rock is laying supine outside the ring, we see ... things creeping out of his panties. Tentacles? (Are they his pubes?? ..BC) OH!

The Rock starts hitting HHH with the strap, who returns the favor by doing a Joe Cocker impression. JR then comments about HHH's blue blood upbringing, 'They don't even have woodsheds in Greenwich...' (Then where do they put their wood??.. BC) In their pants or some place moist, like any man would.

Oh, HHH wins the match.

Okay, the recap of the UT/Austin feud. Vince is the guest commentator.

Backstage, UT is on his way to the ring, wiping at his wound. Gee, dude, were maxi pads all they had?? Did it at least have wings? Vince states that UT is 'busted wide open on the top of the head... right on the hairline about 2 inches ABOVE his head.' WOW, you mean to tell us that cut is HOVERING above UT's head?

UT vs. Austin. JR says, 'It's the end of an ear.' The lobe? Okay, the end of an ERA.

My ears must need cleaning because next I hear JR say, 'This is a slump fest..' Yes, the ultimate tournament for people with bad posture. I think Austin wins, hands down… and shoulders down.. slumped waaaay down.

UT then starts swinging a mad chair at Austin, who is justifiably running away, 'HEY what are you trying to do to me? Hit me??!!' UT then trips, lands on the steel steps and Austin then lifts his head up by his hair. 'Are you alright dude?' Ah, just let him sleep some more. Do you do that to Debra when she's asleep and you're in need of some tookie?

HEY, looks like UT is in need of some SHOE GOO 2! With all the money that WWF has, you figure they can afford to glue the sole of his boot to the upper. You're letting the stank out.. oooh I see, that's the battle plan. The smell comes wafting out and the opponent is rendered unconscious. (It looks like a fish, I hope it doesn't smell like one... BC)

X-Pac interferes, kicks at the UT, who just happens to be holding a chair in front of his face. Then X does his manic crotch chops, in rapid speed, 'suckitsuckitsuckitsuckit..'

Stevie wins and Vinnie eventually gets pounced on in the ring. Vinnie's crutch is leaning on the rope making it look like Vinnie's got a crutch erection, a crutchie. Soon HHH and Rock runs in and they all break out the party favors and cone hats and streamers and have a nice little celebration. Not. If that happened, wrestling wouldn't be as big as it is today.

There was blood, violence, sex, limbs flying, hair loss, spew, gut wrenching noises, high pitched squeals, hair creeping out of ears, TOE JAM, HUGE bunions, carpal tunnel syndrome, varicose veins, crusty underwear, stalkers wearing pumpkins on their heads, large burly men with sombreros and peg legs..

Okay, I stop. See you next time.

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