KING OF THE RING
by Chokee Slam

Greensboro, NC

There goes the Super Soaker blimp in the arena. Whoops, it's taking a nosedive .. it's gone rogue. The excitement just never stops.

Lawler and JR at their announcer's table and there's some chick behind them screaming like someone is sticking pins under her nails. Lawler should have stopped in mid-speak, turned around and screamed to her, 'HEY!'

Signage: HUTCH. So where's Starsky? There's a hoard of people waiting to lynch him just because he wore those atrocious Pro-Keds sneakers.

It's Hardcore Buddy Holly. Alright, just Holly. Buddy Holly, however, was pretty hardcore though. (He's dead....B.C.) I guess you can't get any more hardcore than that.

Holly vs. X-Pac in the Quarter Final. I seem to have transferred my perversions for X-Pac over to Bostin. It's sort of like when 2 chicks are together so much, they eventually have their menstrual cycles at the same time. Of course I see Bostin running to the freezer to grab a phallic ice pop. Ah, I've taught her well.

The match commences and just as I feared, Holly gave X the most dreaded move of all, the 3-hair pull. That could really hurt. Really. However, little X had plenty of hair left and managed to win the match. (It was on a DQ... B.C.) He still won it. Keep licking your ice pop. X, however is hurt and his best friend, Doggie (man's best friend after all) assists. One of his many braids are sticking up though. He had a braidy. A braid woody. Dogg, shouldn't you have taken care of that backstage?? There are hairdressers, stylists and children present.

X's neck is hurt and he's making sure that he still has feeling in his hand by doing that boob groping motion with it. I tell ya, men. They'll even do that in their sleep. Anyways, sorry X, no boobage in the ring at the moment. Your friend Kane is not there so you're just left with braids and pasty white legs. Oh, and the ref.

Terry Taylor is backstage interviewing Hard Holly. Holly asks, 'Who are you?' He's the Red Rooster, silly. Watch what you say, he might peck you. Anyways, Holly talks about how he doesn't fear Big Show and does this finger wiggling eye bulging thing before leaving camera range. It's very hard to describe but ultimately silly and it's nice to see that Holly has it in him. We at Mad Phat will always make attempts to capture the moment though.

Big Show vs. Kane. They stand face to face and I sure hope they Smint. Aw, just give each other a kiss. You know you want to. Next moment, we see Kane slowly turn his head away. I reckon Big Show didn't Smint, maybe not even Cert. Hell, what's worse, he may have Onioned. How rude.

Holly runs in to interfere but ended up in Kane's waiting hand for a chokeslam.

By the way, if someone was to ask Big Show a question, y'all think his initial reply would be, 'Weeeellll.....' Kane puts a choke hold on Wight as well as striking a pose for his next line of Kane action figures.

By the way, the ref is knocked out and JR says, 'The ref can't see a darn thing..'  According to this picture, the ref is saying, 'I don't see a thing.' Good, he's doing his job right. Meanwhile, Kane still has the chokehold on Big Show, who is sweating like The Rock. Weeeell, he's the Big Pore...

Oh, Kane uses the chair on Wight and Kane wins! Well, that was a surprising turn of events. I think the WWF is really taking a little funny poke at wrestling newsboards and all, people who don't know how to have fun with this entertainment we call wrestling. Go, WWF!

Meanwhile, WE know what's important. Wight should undo the 2 braids in his hair, make one big braid and then he'll come in to the entrance theme of, 'WEEEEELLL, he's the Big Braid.' Alright, that's enough.

Cole is backstage with Vinnie who says that Shane is injured and won't be able to 'rustle'. Ooh, we didn't have a rustling match since the last Rustlemania! Alright, I guess you can put the corduroys and the dried leaves away since there will be no rustling this evening.

Billy Butt enters the ring. We always listen to the entrance theme intently because you know lyrics tend to distort when you listen to it too much. Anyways, he's an Ass Man and he wants to love em, kiss em, shove em (?), dish em (you're gonna need a bigger bowl), swallow em (?!?) (you're gonna need a bigger mouth), wash em, stick em, kick em.

Butt takes the mic and says Kenny is just running scared so he should grow some balls. Hey Butt, you never grew any, why should Kenny start? Besides they're not like chia-pets, it wouldn't be an easy thing. Butt tells Kenny to 'show these people that you're not as dumb as a box of rocks..' At this point, we figure Kenny should come out in defense mode and say, 'NO, STUPID, that is I'm not as dumb as a bag of hammers!'

Anyways, on Pre-Heat, Kenny was actually 'hurt' by Blackman and the kendo stick BUT Kenny is still going to participate in the King of the Ring. Kenny comes out with blood on his lips (from the internal injuries, ya know). Billy looked to him like, 'You've been rummaging through my lipstick supply, haven't you?'

Match commences. You know, sometimes we see some pretty odd shit in wrestling. One point, Kenny is half out of the ring and half in. What kind of move is that? Butt looks ready to probe what his entrance music sings about though. Be careful Kenny. His hand is already shaped into a fist!

Sorry.

JR comments that Butt 'is working on every body part'. Not the pinky toe, I didn't see him working on the pinky toe. By the way, that should be renamed into the mangled up little reject of a toe. I bet Wight's pinky toe is the size of an eggplant.

Anyways, Kenny is good with his cues. He knew exactly when to bite down on the blood capsule that was in his mouth. Still he looked like he swallowed some of it and judging by his face, it probably tasted like shoe polish. The ref stops the match because of bleeding. Technically he should have stopped it because of blood capsule ingestion but what do we know.

Oh, Butt's leaving and his music is playing again. He likes to love em, kick em, shove em (the butt alone won't go very far if you don't shove the rest of the body), stick em, pull em (??), watch em (or is it wash em?), PRICK EM???

Alright, I'm not going there. Obviously Billy Butt goes there though.

Backstage Kevin Kelly is interviewing Chyna and HHH. She says (I say 'she', meaning Chyna, in case anyone is unsure), 'I'm gonna be a Queen.. Road Dogg, you got big brass balls..' We seriously thought she was going to say, 'big breasts'. That would have been rude, huh?? Imagine if he had big breast balls. He wouldn't be able to walk.

Dogg comes out to the ring, does the typical speech. Of course the camera guy finds someone in the audience who just can't follow along to the speech in spite of the fact that he's heard it a zillion times already, in spite of the fact that he loops it in his stereo and listens to it before and during sleep. I think he's actually saying, 'jer jer jer jer..' Yo Doggie, you're confusing the wrestling fans, just say, 'I wanna prick em!'

Dogg vs. Chyna. I'm sure Dogg must have told Chyna a few times in the ring that she hits like a girl. Her lopsided outfit must have been a distraction also. It's kind of like needing to move that stray hair from your face all the time. Things are just not symmetrically correct with the world (or your outfit) and you have this need to make it right. Like those people who feel the need to email me to tell me that I shouldn't make fun of THEIR favorite wrestlers. Just THEIR favorites. Of course, these people need to look at their birth certificates and see that MY name is not on it.

Chyna tries to do Dogg's move during the match. You know, the bounce off the ropes and do a shoulder shake before a knee drop move. Good thing she didn't rattle herself out of control considering those boobs are like jello. It would have taken a good half hour before they stopped wiggling and jiggling with cool fruitiness.

One moment, Dogg is lieing supine and apparantly his cup must have dislodged. Looks like an igloo that houses the tall Eskimo with his two dumpy, round friends.

HHH interfered a few times in this match so Shawn Michaels decides to come in and take HHH back. Chyna tries to crotch Dogg but... he's wearing the protective cup. His pee-pee guard. Maybe he should have shoved that into her face, 'SMELL IT!!' That would have knocked her loopy. Funny that he took the cup out and now he's flat as a board. His igloo melted.

Oh well, I'm sure he had fun looking like he was hung. He sure ain't no Kenny Shamrock.

Christian and Edge vs. The Hard Boys. Where do the Hard Boys shop? I'm sure there was a sale on those shirts they wear. The fair Hard Boy's shirt is very mustard colored. Then I guess his brother is Ketchup. (Hayes is definitely Thousand Island Dressing... BC) They can have so much variety too. They can also be mayonaisse, green tabasco, or guacamole. They can be called the Condiment Boys.

If they were in a match with Meat, they could all make a flavorful sandwich. Put UT in there, who is the air biscuit floater and with Kane's buns, HEY, a fully balanced meal. Ah geez, Hayes got himself the flattest wedgie. It's concave.

Anyways, Gangrel accidentally spits the Kool-Aid on Edge and Hard Boys win the match. Hey, this was the Hard Boys' first PPV, yeah?? Congratulations! Let's celebrate with a sandwich! Everyone just pile up on top of another!!

Cole interviews UT backstage and asks him, 'Can you withstand the charge of the Brahma bull?' UT says, 'Can I withstand the charge of the Brahma bull?' UT should have continued, 'Gee, I don't know. Let me think about it.'

Vinnie enters the ring. He tells the audience, 'You are a very rude audience.' The camera cuts to the audience cheering and whooping it up, 'WHOO HOO! We're RUDE!! YAH HOO!!! YIPPIE KIE-AYE!!' Anyways, Shane is injured and Vinnie says the match will not take place. Shawn comes in and says Shane will need to be replaced.

Billy Butt again. Let's see.. love em, kick em, shove em, SQUISH em??, pull em??, watch em, FIX em?? (Yeah, gotta sew up that crack there... BC), kiss em?? The lyrics continue, 'so many asses, so little time, I wanna type em..' HUH? OH, like blood types, huh? Well, there are flat butts, table top butts, wide, bubble, concave, formaldehyde, snapping.. Butt vs. Kane. One point, Kane hits Butt's head onto the steel steps and Butt does his impression of a fountain.

Big Show comes in and hits the chair on Kane which enables Butt to RAPE Kane as he covers him for the win. You know, that is just so vile. Kane's new outfit with the sheer parts on it (which reveals A nip) must have really gotten Butt's pheromones pumping.

Next it's X-Pac vs. Dogg. Dogg comes in, says, 'Cut the music, let's boogie!' HEY, we're still waiting for you guys to start dancing with each other.

No dancing, but X wins. Still Doggie hugs X. Awwww. Now, dance. Dogg even holds the ropes for X. I was waiting for him to let it go though at the right moment. BOING.

Rock vs. UT. This was a pretty boring match. I guess Rock tried to liven it up by spitting his water on UT. That oughta hurt.. or at least make him melt.

Rock eventually ended up on his back outside the ring and left a HUGE sweaty spot. You know, if that was a murder scene, there wouldn't be a need for a chalk outline.

JR says that 'UT must be thinking, 'what do I have to do to keep this young butt down??'' Sit him down, that's all. Actually, JR said, 'young BUCK' but hey, we may as well continue forth with the butt theme in this report.

Bearer gives UT a rag of ether (uh-huh). UT should have sneezed at this point, having to use the rag to cover his mouth (because you don't want all them germs flying around, it's RUDE and inconsiderate). HHH then interferes and UT wins.

HEY, you can get a free WWF travel CD case if you ordered this PPV. I'm sure by the time they send it out, they would have changed the WWF logo already and you'd be stuck with old crap like a Hulkamania headband. (Or a Hitman Hart sunglasses... BC)

Vince and Shawn are backstage arguing. How the hell can Shawn say anything coherent with that big jawbreaker in his mouth? Anyways, Shawn says that Vince MUST find a partner to replace Shane. So Vince immediately gets on his cell phone to make a call, 'I need you NOW!' he screams. I'm sure he was calling his mother. Hey, I'm sure she's a tough cookie.

I'm sure Rock, who is in the background, thinks so too.

X-Pac vs. Butt. During this match, Ass's ass must have been hungry because it was eating up part of his briefs, changing his moniker to 'Mr. As' like 'Mr. As Dumb As I Look'. Boy, his ass totally sucked in the other 'S'.

Oh.. Butt wins and is the King of the Ring.

Oog. (What, did Jerry show up?? ... BC)

Vinnie brings in Steve Blackman as his partner. Good grief. You should have just gotten your mother.

Sorry.

Vinnie is mighty proud of his find though. He points to him like, 'You da man... Well.. you A man... say, do you work for me??'

GTV segment shows Shane and his buddies sitting around watching the events as they happen. Whoops. HEY, Shane isn't hurt??? Say not so... Anyways, they try to run away but HBK brings Shane to the ring. At this point, Vince looks to Blackman like, 'WAIT a MOMENT, you're not my son!! Who is this imposter??'

HBK says to Blackman, 'Get your GI Joe looking ass to the back.' Whoa. If anyone remembers my last Raw report, Rhiannon had made a GI Joe/ Blackman comment. Oh, HI SHAWN! How ya doing?? Your Dork of the Dance technique is superb.. just superb.

Before Blackman leaves, we notice that his nipple is UNDER his boob? What an odd species. He's like a cat.

Austin vs. Vinnie and Shane in a ladder match. Of course, as decor, there are loads of ladders stacked by the entranceway. Somehow Austin ends up on top of it and as he tried to get down, he may have screamed, 'HEY! SOMEONE GET ME DOWN! GIVE ME A LADDER!!' Oh, that was just silly. This match does get pretty silly however as Shane gets on Vince's shoulders to try to get the briefcase. Hey, CHICKEN FIGHT!

Anyways, this was a pretty hilarious show. Thanks guys.

See if we care...
Email Chokee Slam** or Bostin Crab**
**Please note that any email (hate mail or otherwise) will become the property of
Mad Phat Wrestling, and may be reprinted on this site at any time in the future.

ARTICLES || SURVEYS & GAMES || WWF REVIEWS || ECW REVIEWS || WRESTLER TRIBUTES
NEW PACKAGING || WRESTLERS IN MOVIES || BABY WRESTLERS || ORIGINAL ART BY U1
GALLERIES || LOOK-A-LIKES || MAIL || AWARDS || SAQs || AUTHORS || CARDS || FORUM
CREDITS & LEGAL ||  WHAT IS MAD PHAT? || MAD PHATISMS || LINKS
|| TAJIRI || JERRY LYNN || HOME ||