KING OF THE
There goes the Super Soaker blimp in the arena. Whoops, it's taking a nosedive .. it's gone rogue. The excitement just never stops.
Lawler and JR at their announcer's table and there's some chick behind them screaming like someone is sticking pins under her nails. Lawler should have stopped in mid-speak, turned around and screamed to her, 'HEY!'
It's Hardcore Buddy Holly. Alright, just Holly. Buddy Holly, however, was pretty hardcore though. (He's dead....B.C.) I guess you can't get any more hardcore than that.
Holly vs. X-Pac in the Quarter Final. I seem to have transferred my perversions for X-Pac over to Bostin. It's sort of like when 2 chicks are together so much, they eventually have their menstrual cycles at the same time. Of course I see Bostin running to the freezer to grab a phallic ice pop. Ah, I've taught her well.
X's neck is hurt and he's making sure that he still has feeling in his hand by doing that boob groping motion with it. I tell ya, men. They'll even do that in their sleep. Anyways, sorry X, no boobage in the ring at the moment. Your friend Kane is not there so you're just left with braids and pasty white legs. Oh, and the ref.
Holly runs in to interfere but ended up in Kane's waiting hand for a chokeslam.
Oh, Kane uses the chair on Wight and Kane wins! Well, that was a surprising turn of events. I think the WWF is really taking a little funny poke at wrestling newsboards and all, people who don't know how to have fun with this entertainment we call wrestling. Go, WWF!
Meanwhile, WE know what's important. Wight should undo the 2 braids in his hair, make one big braid and then he'll come in to the entrance theme of, 'WEEEEELLL, he's the Big Braid.' Alright, that's enough.
Cole is backstage with Vinnie who says that Shane is injured and won't be able to 'rustle'. Ooh, we didn't have a rustling match since the last Rustlemania! Alright, I guess you can put the corduroys and the dried leaves away since there will be no rustling this evening.
Billy Butt enters the ring. We always listen to the entrance theme intently because you know lyrics tend to distort when you listen to it too much. Anyways, he's an Ass Man and he wants to love em, kiss em, shove em (?), dish em (you're gonna need a bigger bowl), swallow em (?!?) (you're gonna need a bigger mouth), wash em, stick em, kick em.
Butt takes the mic and says Kenny is just running scared so he should grow some balls. Hey Butt, you never grew any, why should Kenny start? Besides they're not like chia-pets, it wouldn't be an easy thing. Butt tells Kenny to 'show these people that you're not as dumb as a box of rocks..' At this point, we figure Kenny should come out in defense mode and say, 'NO, STUPID, that is I'm not as dumb as a bag of hammers!'
Anyways, on Pre-Heat, Kenny was actually 'hurt' by Blackman and the kendo stick BUT Kenny is still going to participate in the King of the Ring. Kenny comes out with blood on his lips (from the internal injuries, ya know). Billy looked to him like, 'You've been rummaging through my lipstick supply, haven't you?'
JR comments that Butt 'is working on every body part'. Not the pinky toe, I didn't see him working on the pinky toe. By the way, that should be renamed into the mangled up little reject of a toe. I bet Wight's pinky toe is the size of an eggplant.
Oh, Butt's leaving and his music is playing again. He likes to love em, kick em, shove em (the butt alone won't go very far if you don't shove the rest of the body), stick em, pull em (??), watch em (or is it wash em?), PRICK EM???
Alright, I'm not going there. Obviously Billy Butt goes there though.
Backstage Kevin Kelly is interviewing Chyna and HHH. She says (I say 'she', meaning Chyna, in case anyone is unsure), 'I'm gonna be a Queen.. Road Dogg, you got big brass balls..' We seriously thought she was going to say, 'big breasts'. That would have been rude, huh?? Imagine if he had big breast balls. He wouldn't be able to walk.
Dogg vs. Chyna. I'm sure Dogg must have told Chyna a few times in the ring that she hits like a girl. Her lopsided outfit must have been a distraction also. It's kind of like needing to move that stray hair from your face all the time. Things are just not symmetrically correct with the world (or your outfit) and you have this need to make it right. Like those people who feel the need to email me to tell me that I shouldn't make fun of THEIR favorite wrestlers. Just THEIR favorites. Of course, these people need to look at their birth certificates and see that MY name is not on it.
Chyna tries to do Dogg's move during the match. You know, the bounce off the ropes and do a shoulder shake before a knee drop move. Good thing she didn't rattle herself out of control considering those boobs are like jello. It would have taken a good half hour before they stopped wiggling and jiggling with cool fruitiness.
HHH interfered a few times in this match so Shawn Michaels decides to come in and take HHH back. Chyna tries to crotch Dogg but... he's wearing the protective cup. His pee-pee guard. Maybe he should have shoved that into her face, 'SMELL IT!!' That would have knocked her loopy. Funny that he took the cup out and now he's flat as a board. His igloo melted.
Oh well, I'm sure he had fun looking like he was hung. He sure ain't no Kenny Shamrock.
Christian and Edge vs. The Hard Boys. Where do the Hard Boys shop? I'm sure there was a sale on those shirts they wear. The fair Hard Boy's shirt is very mustard colored. Then I guess his brother is Ketchup. (Hayes is definitely Thousand Island Dressing... BC) They can have so much variety too. They can also be mayonaisse, green tabasco, or guacamole. They can be called the Condiment Boys.
Anyways, Gangrel accidentally spits the Kool-Aid on Edge and Hard Boys win the match. Hey, this was the Hard Boys' first PPV, yeah?? Congratulations! Let's celebrate with a sandwich! Everyone just pile up on top of another!!
Cole interviews UT backstage and asks him, 'Can you withstand the charge of the Brahma bull?' UT says, 'Can I withstand the charge of the Brahma bull?' UT should have continued, 'Gee, I don't know. Let me think about it.'
Vinnie enters the ring. He tells the audience, 'You are a very rude audience.' The camera cuts to the audience cheering and whooping it up, 'WHOO HOO! We're RUDE!! YAH HOO!!! YIPPIE KIE-AYE!!' Anyways, Shane is injured and Vinnie says the match will not take place. Shawn comes in and says Shane will need to be replaced.
Next it's X-Pac vs. Dogg. Dogg comes in, says, 'Cut the music, let's boogie!' HEY, we're still waiting for you guys to start dancing with each other.
No dancing, but X wins. Still Doggie hugs X. Awwww. Now, dance. Dogg even holds the ropes for X. I was waiting for him to let it go though at the right moment. BOING.
Rock vs. UT. This was a pretty boring match. I guess Rock tried to liven it up by spitting his water on UT. That oughta hurt.. or at least make him melt.
JR says that 'UT must be thinking, 'what do I have to do to keep this young butt down??'' Sit him down, that's all. Actually, JR said, 'young BUCK' but hey, we may as well continue forth with the butt theme in this report.
Bearer gives UT a rag of ether (uh-huh). UT should have sneezed at this point, having to use the rag to cover his mouth (because you don't want all them germs flying around, it's RUDE and inconsiderate). HHH then interferes and UT wins.
HEY, you can get a free WWF travel CD case if you ordered this PPV. I'm sure by the time they send it out, they would have changed the WWF logo already and you'd be stuck with old crap like a Hulkamania headband. (Or a Hitman Hart sunglasses... BC)
Oh.. Butt wins and is the King of the Ring.
Oog. (What, did Jerry show up?? ... BC)
Vinnie brings in Steve Blackman as his partner. Good grief. You should have just gotten your mother.
GTV segment shows Shane and his buddies sitting around watching the events as they happen. Whoops. HEY, Shane isn't hurt??? Say not so... Anyways, they try to run away but HBK brings Shane to the ring. At this point, Vince looks to Blackman like, 'WAIT a MOMENT, you're not my son!! Who is this imposter??'
HBK says to Blackman, 'Get your GI Joe looking ass to the back.' Whoa. If anyone remembers my last Raw report, Rhiannon had made a GI Joe/ Blackman comment. Oh, HI SHAWN! How ya doing?? Your Dork of the Dance technique is superb.. just superb.
Anyways, this was a pretty hilarious show. Thanks guys.