By Chokee Slam
This is Lawler town, town of the defunct Smokey
Mountain Wrestling League where the likes of Al Snow, Glenn Jacobs, and D'Lo Brown
|To celebrate, Goldust comes out dressed like an ostrich.
Actually it was his standard robe. He goes against Bluedust who is wearing a Mrs. Roper
type moo-moo. When he takes his robe off to reveal his one piece underwear (union suits, I
do believe they're called), he looks like Penguin from Batman Returns. I suppose
Bluedust's variation of the 'Shattered Dreams' would probably be called 'Blue Balls',
|Goldust wins but STILL gives the Shattered Dreams to
Bluedust, hence, giving him black and blue balls (in actuality just denting the
turnbuckle). Poor guy. Is this what he left ECW for?? (No, he left ECW for more
money and a nice penguin outfit... B.C.)
|Al Snow vs Bob Holly. Al Snow enters and lifts Head up for all
to see. This leave ample opportunity for all of us to see his head. MY GOODNESS,
he's hanging! Is he even wearing a cup?? His anteater seems to be making the straps of his
wrestling gear stretch. Since Road Dogg is out of commission (rumor says drug rehab) this
match decides who will be the Hardcore Champion. It's a very good match however as it gets
taken backstage and outdoors.
|Al uses the fire extinguisher right on Holly's butt.
I guess Holly had chili backstage and Al was just saving him from having to experience the
'ring of fire'. Al then breaks three brooms over Holly, in secession. There you go
weisenheimer, what are the maintenance guys gonna use to clean up after the show? Their
Cole states, 'Holly is a blue collar
individual.' How would you know, Cole. He wasn't even wearing a shirt. Sorry. That was
Bostin's joke. Blame her. (Hey!! ... B.C.)
15 minutes after a wheelbarrow is used during this match, Cole
says, 'That's a wheelbarrow!' Really?? Do you think it's a wheelbarrow?? Right on the
ball, Cole. Ten more minutes into the match and Cole would have said, 'Hey, that's Bob
Holly! And Al Snow! Hey, Jerry Lawler is sitting next to me!' We miss JR. Cole is a crappy
They start going towards the Mississippi river bank. Holly
actually picks a brick off a TREE and hits Al with it. I never knew brick trees existed.
I'm sure Bostin would like to find an Al tree. It would have Als in it and instead of
leaves, there would be little Heads. (Yeah, that's the fruit! ...B.C.)
Now Kane is already a mighty oak himself so things would be growing on his limbs
and of course, I'd be the insatiable little animal sitting on his long branch.
Eventually Holly was supine with his back on the rocky ground as
Al choked him. Judging from Holly's face, he was thinking, 'DAMN, THE ROCK IS IN MY BUTT!'
Well, hope it was a pebble and not THE ROCK (Rocky Maivia) because that could take a whole
tub of castrol, the active lubricant, to get him out.
Holly eventually breaks a branch in half on Al's back, but part
of it ricocheted right at the camera-man. If that happened to me, I'd be filming the
lovely pitch black sky above me. It's a dangerous job. I bet the camera dude said, 'That
does it Holly, now I'm filming you in an unflattering light!' Be aware of the camera man,
Holly, with your bald spot, he could probably make you look like a monk.
Holly ACTUALLY wins the match by wrapping Al in a wire mesh fence
like a burrito and pins him. I'm sure some people wouldn't mind eating that burrito as
rough as it may be. Holly returns to the ring, drops to his knees while proudly holding
the belt above his head. Basically, 'I've actually won SOMETHING!! I'm SOMEBODY NOW!!
THINGS ARE GOING TO START HAPPENING TO ME NOW!!!''
Lawler is starting to lose his voice. It's all raspy and phlegmy
like he just downed two milk shakes. In other words, he sounds like Shawn Michaels. (Hi
Shawn!) (Yeah, Hi! ...B.C.) Heh.
|Flashback from Heat where Undertaker and his Ministry are
standing around a fire and they appear to be under a boardwalk. What happened, are they
homeless now?? Undertaker talks about the Massacre, 'The Massacre that they witness here
tonight will be nothing like the Massacre that the Ministry unleashes here-on..' I think
Bradshaw should have said, 'WHAT???!! Can you be a little clearer??' The Massacre will be
as horrible as... the Massacre.
|Okay. These salty potato chips are as salty as ...
salty potato chips. I'm getting the hang of it. I can be in the Ministry too.
Bossman enters the ring. The announcer says, 'at 300 pounds!!' and BB Man
starts gesturing to himself probably saying, 'Yeah that's right. That's me, I'm three
hundred pounds. Two hundred fifty without my cargo vest. But I have to wear the vest cuz
that's where I carry all my Lunchables.' PIG Mideon is his opponent, and he's carrying a
jar with an eyeball in it. Watch it PIG, Boss Man will eat that right up, like that chick
did in Evil Dead 2. Swallowed it hole.
|Meanwhile Lawler's raspy voice is making him sound possessed.
'I'll swallow your soul! I'll swallow your soul!!'
this match, Bossy yells at the audience to kiss his ass but later opts to just grab PIG's
ass. I guess Boss likes bacon with his Lunchables. Boss wins and I thought the announcer
said, 'Here's your winner.. the PIG Boss Man..' I got Pig on the brain. Blech.
|UT and his posse take a nice sloooooow stroll down the ramp. All
the laser pointers are hitting UT's face and I'm sure it took all his unearthly strength
to not scream, 'AAW, come on guys, cut it out!' Then some of the Ministroni hold Bossy
down while Viscera lands his huge self on him. I swear, Bossy's feet curled up like
the wicked witch of the East and Viscera was the HUGE house landing on him. Edge then
unfolded his feet and Viscera took another splash. Yo Mable, you're mushing up all his
|UT stands on the sidelines, and rolls his eyes to
the back of his head. Hey, you're gonna miss the whole thing that way. Don't you wanna see
Bossy's feet curl up again?? Boss then gets carried away by the Ministry.
Kevin Kelly interviews Ivory, D'Lo and Mark Henry backstage. Ivory lets
Henry take a deep whiff of her ...scarf (thought I was gonna say something else huh?? The
crude, crass being that I am.. HA). Mm, it was Downy fresh. They go to the ring and Henry
gives Ivory a box of chocolate for Valentine's. I bet Henry ate them all though and left
the ones with the cherry minty centers. Those are pretty unedible. It's D'lo and Henry vs.
Jarrett and Owen Hart. Jarrett's gotten some new kneepads that have arrows on them and
they're pointing to his feet. Look everyone, .. it's... Jarrett's... feet.
|Anyways, during the match, Cole comments, 'Owen Hart with a head
butt now.' Aw.. don't say that about Owen's head. Jarrett had a little bit of Goldust's
silver confetti on his back which to our warped minds, looks like a teeny tiny doorway to
another dimension. But of course, you could only fit small things into it, such as salt
and pepper packets, pens, pencils, paperclips, toe nail clippings, Dan Severn's little
feet or Michael Cole's talent. OH! (Debra's IQ??? ...B.C.)
|While Ivory, Debra and D'lo are arguing outside the ring, Henry
is left alone in the ring with Jarrett and Owen and of course loses the match. Ivory gets
irate and goes to rip Debra's clothes off. You go GLOW girl. A chick who can actually show
some physical strength! Thankfully she jacked up Debra, making her land her on implanted
ass. HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! HAAAAAAAAA!!! .... haa haa ha heh .. hooo .. eeeee..... *siiiigh*...
... heh heh.. hah... haaAAAAAHHHAAHAHA!!!!! We like Ivory.
'I want PMS'. Hell no you don't, dimwitted one. Actually, go
ahead, try it out for a little while. Let's see how long it takes before you're a
sniveling, sobbing mess of your former self, and all because you left the milk out or
Venis vs. Shamrock with Billy Butt as special ref. Billy takes
the mic and says, 'Heh.. eeeh..' Mm, it's not Beavis and Butthead no more, it'll be Billy
and Butthead. Or just Billy Butthead.
|Billy has an undistinguishable tattoo on his calf. It's fading
and it looks like an eyechart. You better get some more Cracker Jack boxes for some new
tats, Butt Boy.
|Since Lawler needs to preserve his voice as much as
he can, Cole is trying to maintain the helm and just as we expect from a commentator of
his caliber, Cole says, 'Ken Shamlock..' When did you become Asian?
Val puts Kenny in a 15 minute headlock. Pay per views are 3 hours so they
really need to fill the time. Eventually Kenny was crying from the mildew building up
there and wondering how to get rid of that wrestler that is stuck to his head. Just throw
a bottle of Rogaine, Val would fetch that.
|Venis soon detaches himself from Kenny but opts to sit on his
face. Venis seemed to enjoy this quite a bit since he was showing no sign of letting go.
If it was Testes doing that move, Val would have suffocated in seconds. Ryan helps Venis
during the match which sends Kenny to the zone. Kenny screams at Ryan, 'What the fuck are
you doing!!?? Blood's thicker than water! (pause)... Blood's thicker than water!' He
should have continued, 'Hit me already, those were my only lines!!' Ryan smacks Kenny in
the face probably for reasons unknown to the viewing world (perhaps there was a fly on his
|Venis wins the match due to a fast count by Billy
A multiple person sign:
ALSTIN. L must have been standing on S's foot. Perhaps a fight
broke out and they were separated therefore, Multiple Person Signage was reduced to A TIN.
A tin of whoop ass.
|HHH and X-Pac vs. Kane and Chyna. HHH is about to do his
'uuuuUUUUUH' speech as X-Pac stands by his man in a ready-to-feel-the-Hershey-Highway
stance. Hey, the toilet is in the back, if you're gonna squeeze a nugget, don't do it in
the ring. That move is specially reserved for the likes of Poopy Pants Psycho Sid.
|Kane enters and I would like to point out that
watching his entrance LIVE was pretty blinding. His pyrotechnics left us shielding our
eyes like vampires and we made that hiss noise too. The other thing that made us do this
was seeing Chyna's leather girdle.
Cole reports that Kane
has a size 15 foot. I wonder what size his other foot is? Just joking. SIZE 15!! Man,
that's even bigger than Undertaker's foot! And just half as big as Sable's!! HWWAAAR.
Sorry. Chyna remarkably slams HHH. She's is one strong chick. I guess if I meet her, I
would tell her that her girdle looks wonderful on her and I would be the smartest person
on Earth to possess a girdle like that. Girdles are important for those menstrual days
when you need to fly on the wings of a maxi. Heaven forbid if your pad ends up on your
knee or something.
One point, Chyna is on the top rope so HHH grabs her by the
crotch, to throw her off but Kane manages to catch her via crotch as well. Say, in just 2
seconds, she's had two different men grab her crotch. Well, I say.. Way to be! Honestly,
since Chyna has joined the Corporation, she has been doing MORE than just being a
bodyguard. She's finally being utilized.
|Kaney is off at the sidelines, begging to be tagged. His hand is
in a claw shape (looks more like he's gonna grab a boob) and his ass is sticking
out too. This was battle of the ass jutters. Sorry X-Pac, you've got a nice ass but Kane
is a definite win with those bodacious rumpalicious perkalating buttocks. If Kane could
speak, he'd be saying, 'tag me.. oh tag meeee... pleeeeeease... pleeeease tag me.....'
(remember the classic Ren & Stimpy wrestling episode??)
|We believe that Chyna has now become Kane's
girlfriend. He's a virgin, you know, so she better be gentle with him. Kaney may want to
keep the lights out also. He may also need 100 bottles of Absolut (just go to Shawn
Michael's home for all your alcoholic needs). (Hi Shawn!!) (Yeah! Hi again!!!
X-Pac does the bronco move on Chyna! I really
worry about those boobs, they could have popped and it would have been equivalent to a hot
air balloon going rogue. Devastation in the whole arena. Shane interferes making X-Pac
chase him to the back, allowing Kane to chokeslam HHH. Kane then drags the worn-out Chyna
to cover HHH, probably said, 'Here.. I'm doing this just for you, don't say I never do
anything for you. Don't say I never bring you flowers.. nor plant you a tree in
Brooklyn..' It's a beautiful relationship, mm?
The Rock is A Elvis Wannabe.
'A' Elvis??!! Where the hell did you guys get your education?? I
bet you don't put i's before e's except after c's.
|Heat Flashback where Rock attacked Mankind while he was training
with Bob Backlund and the Iron Shiek. Mankind was about to run up and down the flight of
stairs but Rock comes running in and attacked Mankind with this HUGE thermos. The Rock's
got soup for ya. It's only Chunky Soup for the Rock, I bet. Alright, alright, the
'thermos' was a fountain soda dispenser. I have trouble with my contacts you know. Iron
Shiek is so appalled at the attack, he screams, 'YEE KI YAR YAR!!' Your headress is on too
tight, you say???? Maybe Bostin was playing the footage backwards.
|Mankind vs. Rock in the Last Man Standing Match. Now
tell me if I'm wrong but, Rock SAT DOWN to do his mid-match commentating so shouldn't he
have lost the match then and there? Okay, I know, WWF set their own rules and Rock must
have bribed the writers with Chunky Soup.
|The pain level was pretty high in this match. Rock threw Mankind
into the rough, uncomfortable, skin irritating .. curtain. BUT they got up on a table
(surprised it held them both) and landed through it, causing a monitor to sit comfortably
on the Rock's ear and a crumpled up bag of Lays by his boob. It was a picture perfect shot
showing the casualities of too much television and junk food. Hey Rock, next time you
can't hear the tv, turn up the volume. (I've found myself in that position on
many a night...B.C.)
|Rock tries to hit Mankind with a chair but it
bounces off the rope hitting himself in the noggin. Hey, that's a Kenny move. First you're
stealing catch phrases, next you're stealing clumsy dumb moves. Isn't there anything you
can call your own?? Rock and Mankind end up falling outside the ring and the Rock
completely rolled over Mankind. I can't believe he rolled over him. They lost all their
dignity at that point.
A funny moment was when Rock took
the microphone, started singing his version of Heartbreak Hotel (Rock you shouldn't sing)
but got Socko in the mouth and started to wail like a girl.. or like Billy Butt. Heh. The
disappointing finale had both of them knocking each other out with chairs and taken out
via gurnies. One of the medics wheeling Rock was Richard Chamberlain. Okay, so it just
looked like him.
Mankind sat in the ring while a female medic was assisting him.
He was pointing to his knee.. 'knee.. hurt..' With all you've done in your career,
Mankind, I'm sure your eyeball hurts too.
Vinnie vs. Austin in a cage match.
Hey dude, your 's' fell off. That's more of an accent mark on the
'Jerry'. Are you French?? JerrY. Wee wee! Say, Stevie Austin is the 'Rattlesnake'. Does
Steve's butt make rattly noises when he shakes it??
Austin hangs out inside the cage and he's got his 'Hell Yeah'
vest on. It would be a funny joke if the seamstress put an 'O' after his 'Hell'.. just to
take some of that toughness away from him just for an evening. Vinnie enters, wearing his
carpal tunnel wrist gear. Vinnie doesn't enter the cage so Austin starts chasing him
around the ring. The only thing missing was the circus music. Vinnie makes it into the
cage and tries to keep Austin out by kicking at his direction. His shoe should have flung
off.. that would have warded off Austin. I mean if you don't have your Dr. Scholl's odor
eaters, that could easily kill a rattlesnake.
Eventually the match does start and Lawler sounds like Satan now.
He's reached full demonic possession. Get Father Damien.
Vinnie actually takes a major risk and falls off the cage onto
the announcer's table. Austin even looked surprised. The medics came out, put a hernia
donut around Vinnie's neck and tried to wheel him back but Austin wasn't finished with
him. The match continues and soon Vinnie juices. Yes, tomatoe juice on the forehead. One
point, Austin lays stomach down beside Vinnie, as if, 'Ya did good Vinnie..'
|The Giant emerges out from a hole in the ring. It took about 10
minutes just for him to get his WHOLE HEAD out of the hole. Anyways, he choke slams Austin
against the cage, causing Stevie to land outside the ring, hence giving Austin the win.
Good way to enter the WWF, Giant, by making a STUPID mistake. Austin must not have read
his script since he looked mighty surprised, 'I won??' 'I WON!!! I'M SOMEBODY NOW!!
THINGS ARE GOING TO START HAPPENING TO ME NOW!!!' Actually that just doesn't apply at all
|Chokee still waiting for something to happen
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