Gund Arena

By the way, what the hell is a Gund?? That's a word for some strange, unnamed wart-like growth on some unseen region near the ass.

Signage already. The Gr-8 One. It's supposed to be an 8-ball (or those things you shake up to predict the future) but from a distance, it looks like a record. The Grecord One. If the sign holders were older, it would say The Greight Track. If they were ancient, The Greel to Greel.

I'll probably get emails now asking me what the hell a record is let alone an 8-track or reel to reel. A record is what you get after doing things like pulling those tags off mattresses or jumping turnstiles or killing a family member. Ask Bostin what a reel to reel is because that was before my time.

Ha.. just kidding.

Godfather with his fattie hoes vs. Mideon with a fattie of his own, Viscera. How do you smoke that fattie?? You light it up at the butt? JR says that Viscera weighs between 450 and 500 pounds. Aw come on, don't act like he's not 499.5 pounds, JR.

Here is an example of what happens when sign holders don't understand the mathematics of appropiate spacing. HOT RAIN. Once I made some cockamamie mention about 'wet rain' which is entirely more brutal than dry rain, you know.

Well, at least I caught my own flubbery.

During this match, Viscera went to grab one of the hoes. I'm sure his intent was to eat her but realized that she would be instrumental as a distraction for Godfather. BUT GF was so deeply immersed in the technically superior wrestling match with the crafty Mideon (whoo, that boy Mideon and those death defying 2 inch leaps and bounds off the mat) that he didn't notice what was going on. Yo dude, you have to pay more attention. Viscera could have eaten, digested and excreted her already.

Godfather wins. This was in no way PPV material, WWF bookers.

An Earlier Tonight Heat segment shows HHH talking about his Oscar winning 'snake-bite to the face' performance. He said people in the front row were crying. Oh sure, they were crying alright… because they smelled your breath, you windbag.

Moolah vs. Ivory. Okay, how painful was this match.

Ivory must have known how horrible this match would be because she attempted suicide by diving onto the mat where Moolah wasn't laying on. Did she trip? Okay, I get it. She was playing a live action wrestling video game. Not Attitude, but the Sega Rage in the Cage.

We had a hoot playing that game. We bodyslammed ourselves, ran ourselves into the ropes, or threw ourselves over the top ropes and out the ring while keeling over laughing. It was hella fun.

I think Moolah is hopped up on Geritol, by the way.

Ivory actually loses the belt and the camera catches someone in the audience expressing what everyone on this green Earth is feeling. Whuh.. Whoooo.. huh… where… dyaaaaaah…. forget it. Just shake it off dude, shake it off.

A photo still of Austin and HHH. Look atchoo, Mr. Primadonna Rattlesnake. Is there any reason why he needs to occupy the majority of the screen?? HHH must be yelling, 'Ya selfish bastard, move your damn jelly roll over, will you? My shoulder isn't even in the shot! You PrimaSteven!'

NAO enter and Billy Butt does his seductive Tammy Sytch impression by lifting one gam up and throwing his head back. I'd actually like to see him really throw his head backwards to Lawler and JR but I guess we wouldn't have a match. We'd have about 3 minutes of promos.

Hey, you fairy, cut it out. You're taking this entirely too far now. You give gay people a bad name.

Dogg goes for the speech and I think he developed lockjaw. What a horrible predicament to be in. Imagine going to the hospital with your mouth wide open, drooling and probably crying. It's top on the list with Embarrassing Hospital ER Visits like extracting peanuts from the nostril or removing two tampons from the .. OH!

Anyways, nothing came out of his mouth for a good 10 seconds but it doesn't mean that he's not communicating. I think he and the dogs that can hear him are having a very philosophical moment. They're talking about Boethius and Alpo. I think Billy Butt can hear what he's saying.

By the way, Butt's new briefs? That iron-on patch on his area makes it look like he's got pubes. You know that's filthy dirty.

They go against Hardcore Holly and Crack Holly.

This is the intense conversation that ensued during this match between the profound ones, Bostin and Chokee. It's so intense, you all might get hurt.

CS: I want to carpet my living room.
BC: You can get an area rug.
CS: I already have an area rug (smirk, smirk, snicker, snort).
BC: Then you better mow. You got winter bush.

The Hollys win.

Jarrett vs Chyna in a Good Housekeeping match for the IC Belt. Chyna comes out carrying a broom and garbage can. Aw, how nice was it of her to clean the backstage area? I'm sure it was no easy task. 'God the locker room was a mess! You men are PIGS! Is that how you treat your own home?? That bald jackass keeps spitting his tobacco and spilling beer. That sweaty half-Samoan bastard leaves sweat puddles all over the place. Bradshaw and all his twinkie wrappers... X-Pac with all his potatoe chip bags.. '

Yeah! You tell them!

For this match, they use everything from the kitchen sink to a flounder. Kitty tries to help Jarrett by handing him the tongs. I suppose he's going to tong Chyna. I don't think Jarrett knows her well enough to be tonging her. I mean at least go on a first date and have a nice dinner at Denny's or something. Still, I think HHH would have something to say about this though.

Chyna eventually ended up landing flat on her back on a pie. It looked more like she popped a mammoth pimple with all that white goop on her back.  That white pus devastation is the result when a pumping, throbbing blimple the size of Wight's head explodes.

Jarrett hits Chyna with the belt and wins BUT the ref changes his mind. It has to be a household item and the match continues. Chyna hits Jeff with a guitar and she wins. That's a household item? In the least she should have played a chord or two. It's pretty easy. The first two strings and you can play any Nirvana song and every Metallica song off Kill 'Em All.

Signage: Chyna is the Gnome. Now guys, that's not very nice.

Anyways, now that she has whipped cream up her crack, she may as well find HHH for a quickie. I mean she's all lubed up so hey.. 30 seconds is all it could take sometimes. Kitty leaves with Chyna.

At this point, I was sitting on the futon and bellowed, 'Where's Jericho?!' (I exclaimed that when we were watching ECW's pay per view also but hey, it doesn't hurt to ask, right?)

Promo footage of Bulldog vs. Rock with a song by Hangnail played over it. Judging by how the dude is singing, we know why the band is called Hangnail. Prince should have been called Squeezed Nuts.

Some dude in the audience held his claw up to show the world what happens when you use the mouse too often. Actually I could be wrong. I think he's holding up his foot. Bulldog vs. Rock.

Signage. Elbow Pad. I hate to break it to you, dude, because it looked like you spent a lot of time working on that sign. Uh… that's not an elbow pad. It's an onion. But it's a nice onion. There's a lot of realism. I mean I'm practically crying right now.

Now if fans thought the People's Elbow was a dumb move, then check out Bulldog's stupid wrestling move. It's called the 'I tripped and fell upside down against the turnbuckles' move a.k.a HaHa,The Gimp Tripped. Since the naked eye can't make out what he tripped on, we have no other choice but to magnify the footage. Technology is great, isn't it?

Mystery solved. An amoeba was the cause of the total annihilation of Bulldog's dignity. Now I don't know how many times I have to stress the wrongs of throwing things into the ring. Who the hell is throwing their amoebas into the ring??

This match is so exciting that Bostin and I …. start feeling each others' muscles. Hey, Bostin, pushing the arm muscle up with your hand doesn't really count as a bonafide flex. (It's called a bicep but I guess mine doesn't qualify as one... BC)

Rock is about to perform the elbow move but first, he has to do the 'conducting an orchestra' arm swoop. Simmer down there, John Williams. I said, ENOUGH, Leopold!

Rock wins.

Edge/ Christian vs The Hard Boys in a Ladder Match for the Terri Invitational. This was by far the best match of the year, hands down.

Dark Hard Boy seemed to know what was in store for them because he looked so ascared. Someone give him some comfort in this time of need. Where's the serial hugging Garea when you really need him? By the way, I bet that's what the Hard Boy's mug shot would look like.

Look at him. He's about to pass out from the worry.  OR he's just trying to relieve some pressure by doing Undertaker impressions.

Hard Boy is looking up at the money bag hanging above the ring. 'Lookee, it's HIGH! You expect me to go up that ladder? Who do you think I am? A wrestler? You think I'm Shawn Michaels or something?'

Edge and Christian can only agree with him. 'By jeeves, yeppers, that do be high. You got a point there, sonny. There's no way me and my sistah can get up there.'

All four guys put their bodies on the line for this match. To show our support for their hard work, Bostin and I decided to put our bodies on the line as well. We're abusing our bodies by eating crackers with … gulp… spray cheese. God, that really is painful and brutal. If they continue this brutality, we'll have to eventually start on the nacho cheese dip and fritos. Blech!

JR says that the bag suspended above the ring is a 'symbolic bag of money'. Oh, they're killing themselves for a bag of Monopoly money?? Perhaps when the winners open up the money bag, they'll find IOUs in there signed, 'Love, Gangrel'. That's just not right.

Christian is wearing different tights that seem to condense his ass leech. It's all pushed towards the center. Instead of Control Tops, they're Control Bottoms. Control Bottoms, for when you need to keep a bulbous butt from spilling around your kneepits. Heh, I said kneepits.

JR is calling the match. 'Vertical flapjack onto the ladder..' I reckon he's saying that Edge's flat ass is on the ladder.

This ladder match is not only grueling but downright weird and perverted! Can someone tell me why Edge's head is up Christian's ass?? The ass leech sucked his head in??!!

Actually, for the sake of the match, I think Edge did this to himself. First, he gave himself a good distance to run wildly towards the black hole. Then he took a deep breath, charged in and screamed, 'Here I come! You better brace yourself, sister! I don't know what this move will do but we'll try it anyways! CHAAAARGE!!!!'

Once head is neatly inserted in orifice, Christian would groan, 'Listen, I thought you were on my team. Wrestling is just weird. Now I have a mantis head in my ass. Groooooan.'

This match was so grueling that Edge developed some squiggly worm on his temple. His vein went ferclempt.

Here are Time Life-like photos portraying utter destruction, chaos, pain and suffering within the squared circle. I just think of the Korn tune, 'Dead Bodies Everywhere'. By the way, off the cuff exclamation here. Jonathan Davis is da man!

Amidst the rubbage and carnage of dead bodies, a survivor with multi-colored hair emerges from the wreckage. 'Am I alive?? Am I really alive??' Hey, that's what I look like in the mornings when I wake up for work. Believe me, it's worse than that though. Normally there's a clock carcass beside me and I've lost all feeling in one of my arms because I slept on it through the whole night. See, what usually happens is the alarm clock is blaring through my every being so I take my dead arm and swing it up, over and down onto the clock.

The trials and tribulations of this match made Edge pretty loopy.  It's that or he really just likes sticking his head into things he shouldn't. He's attempting to stick his head in the ladder. I'm sure he didn't get the same satisfaction for Christian's butt is probably squishier, softer and gooey-er.

After a chock full of near wins, surprises, leaps and really jacked up looking falls, Blond Hardy eventually got a good firm hold of the money bag and started tugging. For a minute there, just to follow suit with the devastation in this match, I thought he was going to pull the entire light fixture down along with the money bag. The Hardys win and I reckon I should start figuring out which one is Matt and Jeff. Sounds like Muck and Myer. Jeff and Akbar. Spic and Span.

We certainly bet that none of them ever EEEEVER wanted to see another ladder in their life. Those little step ladders?? They would bully the hell out of them. That would of course mean that a light bulb will never EEEVER be changed in their homes. They'll just live in the dark.

Rock comes out.

Here we see a major Rock mark. I don't think he has any mirrors at home. He probably thinks he can get women dressed like that. Yo dude.. try originality. And get some lipo on those breasts.

Oh, the Rock was talking. Well, so were we but at least we had new things to say. Rock then heads towards the back and is attacked by the sledgehammer wielding HHH. The MT's assist and of course... Tony Garea is on the scene. He's hovering, like a bald eagle flying over its prey, Garea knows that if the right moment approaches, he will get a hug. Oh yes, he will. Of course, he can just linger about and whine, 'Uh.. can I get a hug before you take him away?? Please?? Can... okay.. don't worry, I'll just get him in the back.'

Venis vs. Mankind. Mick pulled Rocko out of Venis' tights.  He pulled and pulled and pulled. It must have been ten feet long! It was like a magician's scarf trick. Good thing nothing fuzzy popped out at the end.

Venis wins using the testicular claw. May I suggest you guys do that in private? I think Mankind's wife is on a plane at that moment on her way to kill Venis. Don't worry, we won't tell anyone.

Whoops.

Photo still of the Acolytes, Kane and X-Pac. Did someone shake the screen and some items settled.. to the left? We bet that Bradshaw farted and HE didn't even want to be near the stink. It's human (and animal) nature to blow one and be really offended by it, even if it's your own. Mr. Simmons can only say, 'Yep.. that's my partner.. he's all mine..'

Kane, X and Acolytes in a 4-way match. This is the moment for X to prove that he can make it on his own. (He's gonna make it after all... BC)

At one point, Bradshaw almost pinned X but the ref wasn't paying attention. JR states, 'Things could have been different if the referee was in a different position.' For instance, like if he had his leg wrapped over his head?? Yeah, I'd say things would have been different. Like the ref wouldn't be in that ring, he'd actually be in some white padded room.

Oh, that squatter has wisened up and become a lounger. I'd be a sleeper, then a mouth-opener and then a drooler. All in that order. X does win the match and he has proven himself. Now let's get to that celebratory bong, aye??

Backstage, the MT's are trying to help a rather uncooperative and testy Rock. Listen, I don't think it's wise to be mean to people who have equipment that can go up your butt or send electrical currents through your body. You don't want any tongue depressors in places they shouldn't be, do you?

Final match. HHH vs. Austin.

You know, ever since Stevie got tangled up in the ropes, he hasn't been his usual suave self. He's now the Stone Cold Clutz. He can't even make it up the steel steps without tripping on the step and almost enveloping the cameraman with his jelly roll.

In the least, this match enabled Austin to grow a mole on his back. I wonder if it had those course fly hairs creeping out of them.

Screaming Ref Kiota gets knocked out in this match which gives Garea what he wanted all evening: the extreme hug.  It's a good thing that happened because Garea was starting to question his abilities. He used to be able to get at least one hug every week. He was even considering a return visit to his Hug Sensei at the Hug Dojo to revamp his hugging skills.

He would have had to go through the standard 13 Chambers of Hugs. He's start from scratch and learn the essense and techniques of hugs. It is one of the toughest regimes known to the hugging man. There's pain, suffering, squished body parts and other hug casualties.

Rock eventually comes in with a sledgehammer but hits Austin by mistake.

I bet Rock said, 'Oh, my bad.'

HHH wins.

We notice that the dude in audience who had his hands pressed against his head after the Ivory/ Moolah match, is STILL in the same position. This leaves me to think that he is perhaps not reacting to the matches but … in actuality GLUED his hands to his hair by ACCIDENT!! AH-HAH!!! He couldn't miss the show so he had to go, hands glued or not. Driving there must have been a bitch though.

I mean, Bostin would know. (I hope he doesn't have a manual transmission... BC)

Heh.

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