Signage:

Yes, he helps the WWF sell out in practically all arenas. However, with this sign there was an illustration of Austin wearing a cropped tee-shirt and a big beer belly. Actually looked more like Duane Gill.

Way up in the bleachers, in the nosebleed seats, we see:

Yo guys, donchathink the corporate section should be closer by ringside?? You're like the corporate lackeys in the corporate mail room.

Road Dogg enters the ring and starts doing the knee knocking, leg and head shaking 'dance'. Bostin exclaims, 'What's wrong with him??' Seizure, I believe.

It's Dogg vs. Boss Man. During this match, Boss had Dogg in a bearhug, so to counteract that, Dogg bites Boss on the head. It was supposed to be a bite but looked more like Dogg was breathing on his face. That'd do it especially if you had a few cups of coffee, smoked half a pack of cigarettes and chewed on a cigar, then ate an onion, some garlic and a can of sardines. THAT is hardcore halitosis.

Best signage of the night and it was HUGE:

You're not kidding. Sometimes it makes you excrete like a horse.

Sorry. I guess the security people found this sign offensive because it was never seen again during this PPV. We bade it farewell but Long Live Poo Poo Humor.

Bossy was basically a mess in this match. First he had what looked like a pimple on the side of his nose and it probably popped since it was bleeding. Then when Dogg hit him, Boss sprayed his spittle in a mist around his own head. Self humidifer. Oh Boss Man actually won.

Meanwhile we see some man in the audience with a hot pink feather boa who looked like John Popper from Blues Traveler.

Billy Butt vs. Kenny for the Intercontinental Tit (look to previous Raw reports for the explanation of this). Billy takes the mic and says, '…if you're not down with the WPMC…' HEH?? Okay, we can just take a guess as to what that stands for… 'Wimpy Prissy Man Crying…' ?? Oh and Billy, you need to dye your roots.

Then Billy tells Kenny to 'come on down so you can get your ass whipped.' Sounds kinky but maybe he would settle for just a nice caress.

During the match, Billy gives Kenny the dreaded nose-pinch maneuver. I guess he was trying to suffocate poor Kenny. All we could hear was Kenny screaming in a whinier-than-usual voice, 'HEEEEEEEY!!!'  (He sounded kinda like Chyna... B.C.)

Shamrock continues to batter Butt, probably for wearing those pink boy leg brief on pay per view.

True true.

The match gets taken to ringside. It never fails when an audience member sees a camera close by, he'll stick his face into it. We caught sight of a Jerry Seinfeld look-a-like sticking his mug in camera view. 'Whoooooo are these wrestlers…. Whoooooo is the girlie man wrestler… and whyyy is that busted-nosed wrestler barking when he hits his opponent…'

Sorry.

Eventually, Venis runs in, kicks Kenny, then runs back to the dressing room but Billy still couldn't get the pin on Kenny. Thanks Val, you've been helpful.

Oh by the way, Kenny forgot to shave and seems to be trying to grow his hair out. I guess he's trying for the more rugged look and maybe he figures the hairier you are, the more macho. Two words of advice about that Kenny: George Steele.  (I, for one, would NEVER question Kenny's machismo... B.C.)

Kenny wins the match with the ankle lock submission and we see only ONE person in the audience clapping and getting excited. WHOO HOO KENNY HAS ONE FAN!

Cue in Gangrel's music (the heavy breathing part) (I think he's got asthma… B.C.). Dude, maybe you should get an inhaler. Gangrel vs. X-Pac.

Signage:

Actually, he doesn't FEAR it, he just EATS it.. by the box load.. and topped with half and half and a raw egg on top.

Cole informs us that X-Pac and Gangrel will be doing double doodie this evening. I think for Gangrel, that means a HUGE pile of manure considering he's still digesting Christian. (He said 'double DUTY', meaning they're also going to be in the Royal Rumble.. B.C.)

……………… I knew that.

X-Pac won. Good. X-Pac then joins his buddies, HHH, Dogg and Chyna who are being interviewed backstage. Chyna pats him on the back as he's quite fatigued. Regarding the Rumble, HHH says, 'every man for himself.' Chyna then grabs the mic and whines in that old lady voice, '..and woman…' Her grating voice hits this nerve in me that makes me want to get out knitting needles and stick them in my ears. Perhaps she could win the Rumble that way. I'd actually rather listen to Kenny's whining.

Signage:

DER. You guys can't even do it right. It should be 24:7. (They're horny ONLY at 2:47 AM or PM during the day.. B.C.) When 2:48 comes around, it's over then, huh?

Terri Powers, the 'stalker of Sable' interferes in the match and allows Sable to win, as if Sable could retain the belt any other way. After Powers hits Luna, she runs into the audience, with Jim Dotson, WWF's head of security, barely keeping up with her. He's supposed to be protecting the WWF stars and he can't even catch up with them. Tsk tsk.

Say, for those who ordered this pay per view, you can get a Limited Edition Vinnie McMahon and Stone Cold Steve Austin action figures. Stevie doll was probably fashioned after an ape because the arms were practically down to its knees. Well, at least this free gift is better than the 'grab bag' item I received for ordering Summerslam, which was a sports water bottle with the OLD WWF logo on it. I think I was one grab away from a Hulkamania shirt.

Dok Hendrix interviews the Rock. Though the Rock was wearing sunglasses, I thought I saw sweat fly out of his eyeballs. He should have his entrance theme changed from 'the Rock says… the Rock says…' to 'the Rock sweats… the Rock sweats…'

Mankind vs. Rock in the I Quit match.

Signage:

Yo dude, your 'C' fell off.

Mankind seemed to have the upper hand in the first half of this match. Mankind used Socko on Rock. I guess Mankind didn't realize that Rock wouldn't be able to scream, 'I QUIT' with Socko in his mouth. The most he would exclaim is, 'I KAAAAAAAH!!!!'

Eventually, the match was taken out of the ring and into the technical area (technically, it's an area) and then into the first tier in the seating area. Mankind takes a nice dive off the tier and lands in the speaker system, causing well calculated sparks. Shane comes over to feign concern. 'Ah well, we want him NEAR dead, but we don't actually want him DEAD DEAD. '

As the match continues in the walk-way, audience members are throwing their signs at them. Someone should have made a BIG paper airplane and throw that at them. For the Rock, you make a paper rock. I think they would have been impressed. Otherwise, I think everyone threw them their signs to get autographs.

We see an audience member on a cellular phone call. If I had his number, I'd call him up to tell him to get the HELL off the phone. There's an event happening.. wrestling first, everything else second (this includes natural bodily functions).

Eventually, Mankind gets handcuffed and gets 10 pretty extreme chair shots to the head. He is drenched in blood and unconscious. The Rock sticks the mic to Mankind's face and a pre-recording of Mankind screaming 'I QUIT (to the third power)' was played over the speaker system. The Rock wins the belt.

The gurney arrives for Mankind but he'd rather walk back to the dressing room on his own. This was a bit painful to watch. Mick.. Mick.. Mick.. stop that. I order you to stop it.  (What she said... WE'RE NOT WORTHY!!! B.C.)

Dude, you must learn the importance of proper spacing. What the hell is a MYASS?? Anything like myiasis?? (yes I had to pull out the dictionary for that..)

Royal Rumble is like one big wrestling orgy, without the sex but there's plenty of rubbing and crotch grabbing though.

Now in the Royal Rumble, a wrestler comes into the ring every 3 minutes (is it 3??) and everyone has to try to eliminate each other via throwing them over the top rope and their feet must hit the ground. (This is probably the only serious paragraph in my report.. for shame..)

Austin is the very first man in the Royal Rumble so I suppose he's got 3 minutes to hang out or wrestle himself while he waits for the next man to enter the ring. I wonder if he's ever tried sleeperholds on himself. He could run himself into the turnbuckle, dropkick himself, throw himself on his own back.. very reminiscient to the uncontrollable Sega CD WWF Rage in the Cage video game many years ago.

Though Vinnie is in very good condition for his age, I still would like to request that he keep his shirt on. He had one disturbingly saggy breast.

Meanwhile back at the Rumble, Droz stands alone in the ring really yearning for a friend.

The gurney is brought in for Stevie as he's lieing face down on the hopefully clean and disinfected bathroom floors. They strap him in and wheel him outside… and wheel him down the block.. and wheel him… they're still wheeling him. I think they were going to wheel him to the hospital. They would take the expressway and if there was an incline, all the medics would just jump on the gurney with Austin and let gravity take over.

Hey, here comes Tiger Ali Singh to the Rumble. We have this strong feeling that he will win. Yes, it is all very, very possible. Bostin read it on a web site.  (It's true, I read it on the Internet... B.C.)

Signage:

*Snicker*  (Mmmmm... Snickers... B.C.)

One moment in the Rumble, the horn sounds off signalling the entrance of another wrestler.. but no one comes out. (That's my favorite wrestler of ALL time… B.C.)

Other highlights:

Goldust prances in like a proud showhorse. Someone needs to talk to him about the turtleneck make-up that's creeping up his chin though.

KANE comes in and eliminates EVERYONE that was in the ring. I'm sure he would have won if he didn't have to eliminate himself to get away from the guys running at him with the strait jacket. I guess he had important meetings to go to, some voice-over work to do..

Just when Undertaker's cronies pile Mabel into the hearse, Stevie is driving back to the arena in the ambulance. Undertaker should have waved to him, 'HEY, I didn't know you were coming back.. I thought your segment was over.. We'll go get some steak and potatoes without any trace of vegetables later, okay??'

Testes and Billy Butt are in such a lock, they were practically kissing. But I guess Testes was being too fresh with Billy because the next moment we look at them, Testes is grabbing his nuts. Hell, Testes is so damn huge, someone from the opposite side of the ring could accidentally hit it. He could poke an audience member's eye out! OH! I must stop.

Testes is so huge he probably can't find a cup that fits him. He may be wearing a soup bowl (or those aluminum mixing bowls.. B.C.).

Okay, let me stop.

Billy had run into the match wearing one boot and the other foot bandaged. Ah geez. I think he should have AT LEAST worn sandles or slippers (fuzzy lamb slippers… Baaaaaad Feet Billy Goat)… (or flip flops… B.C.)

Austin makes it back to the Rumble and we see Billy totally caressing Austin's jelly roll, his spare tire, his love handles. Austin must have been confused and distraught because he started to elbow Billy in the head but was smirking at the same time. It's that thin line between pleasure and pain..

Meanwhile there were other wrestlers in and out of the ring such as Godfather, Venis, X-Pac, Gangrel, Al Snow but nothing much happened there. Remember, we focus on what is important. Well, Al is important to Bostin but he got eliminated pretty fast so….   (AAAAHHH , crap! ... B.C.)

I bet whoever threw that thing was thinking about what he could do next to save world hunger.

Okay.. eventually Austin was the last man in the ring and he's calling for Vinnie. He gets to pound on him a little but the Rock interferes and Vinnie actually wins the Rumble.

At this point, FNS completely marked out and screamed to the tv set that Austin was a stupid redneck and how could he have fallen for that, etc. Bostin and I looked at him like he just grew a nipple on his nose.

Anyways it's all fun and games, right??

This is Chokee having fun..

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