By Chokee Slam
Yes, he helps the WWF sell out in
practically all arenas. However, with this sign there was an illustration of Austin
wearing a cropped tee-shirt and a big beer belly. Actually looked more like Duane Gill.
Way up in the bleachers, in the nosebleed seats, we see:
Yo guys, donchathink the corporate
section should be closer by ringside?? You're like the corporate lackeys in the corporate
Road Dogg enters the ring and starts doing the knee knocking, leg and head shaking
'dance'. Bostin exclaims, 'What's wrong with him??' Seizure, I believe.
It's Dogg vs. Boss Man. During this match, Boss had Dogg in a bearhug, so to counteract
that, Dogg bites Boss on the head. It was supposed to be a bite but looked more
like Dogg was breathing on his face. That'd do it especially if you had a few cups of
coffee, smoked half a pack of cigarettes and chewed on a cigar, then ate an onion, some
garlic and a can of sardines. THAT is hardcore halitosis.
Best signage of the night and it was HUGE:
You're not kidding. Sometimes it
makes you excrete like a horse.
Sorry. I guess the security people found this sign offensive because it was never seen
again during this PPV. We bade it farewell but Long Live Poo Poo Humor.
Bossy was basically a mess in this match. First he had what looked like a pimple on the
side of his nose and it probably popped since it was bleeding. Then when Dogg hit him,
Boss sprayed his spittle in a mist around his own head. Self humidifer. Oh Boss Man
Meanwhile we see some man in the audience with a hot pink feather boa who looked like
John Popper from Blues Traveler.
Billy Butt vs. Kenny for the Intercontinental Tit (look to previous Raw reports for the
explanation of this). Billy takes the mic and says, '
if you're not down with the
' HEH?? Okay, we can just take a guess as to what that stands for
Prissy Man Crying
' ?? Oh and Billy, you need to dye your roots.
Then Billy tells Kenny to 'come on down so you can get your ass whipped.' Sounds kinky
but maybe he would settle for just a nice caress.
During the match, Billy gives Kenny the dreaded nose-pinch maneuver. I guess he was
trying to suffocate poor Kenny. All we could hear was Kenny screaming in a
whinier-than-usual voice, 'HEEEEEEEY!!!' (He sounded kinda like Chyna... B.C.)
|Lawler tries to scream encouragement for Kenny.
'You better think, you better think Kenny!' ..what you're trying to do to me
yeeeah.. think .. think think.. your mind and let yourself be free
continues to batter Butt, probably for wearing those pink boy leg brief on pay per view.
The match gets taken to ringside. It never fails when an audience member sees a camera
close by, he'll stick his face into it. We caught sight of a Jerry Seinfeld look-a-like
sticking his mug in camera view. 'Whoooooo are these wrestlers
. Whoooooo is the
girlie man wrestler
and whyyy is that busted-nosed wrestler barking when he hits his
Eventually, Venis runs in, kicks Kenny, then runs back to the dressing room but Billy
still couldn't get the pin on Kenny. Thanks Val, you've been helpful.
Oh by the way, Kenny forgot to shave and seems to be trying to grow his hair out. I
guess he's trying for the more rugged look and maybe he figures the hairier you are, the
more macho. Two words of advice about that Kenny: George Steele. (I, for one,
would NEVER question Kenny's machismo... B.C.)
Kenny wins the match with the ankle lock submission and we see only ONE person in the
audience clapping and getting excited. WHOO HOO KENNY HAS ONE FAN!
Cue in Gangrel's music (the heavy breathing part) (I think he's got asthma
B.C.). Dude, maybe you should get an inhaler. Gangrel vs. X-Pac.
Actually, he doesn't FEAR it, he just
EATS it.. by the box load.. and topped with half and half and a raw egg on top.
|X-Pac does the face rape on Gangrel, we see that
Gangrel is actually HELPING X-Pac along the way by holding X's thighs and driving him
along, so to speak. Gee, I don't know but I don't think X-Pac should be that close to
Gangrel. He'll contaminate you, X-Pac. He's already got some odd blue-ish purple bruise on
his forehead. I think he's going through rigor mortis. (I had that once, I got a
shot, cleared it right up... B.C.)
|By the way, Christian hasn't made an
appearance in a while. The only reason why this is brought to attention is because Gangrel
is sporting new purple velvet leggings, the same color that Christian used to wear. I
think Gangrel was looking for a midnight snack and White Castle's was closed so he
couldn't get his usual bucket o'burgers. BUT he caught sight of Christian and just ate him
with fava beans and a nice Chianti. I think Edge needs to be forewarned.
Cole informs us
that X-Pac and Gangrel will be doing double doodie this evening. I think for Gangrel, that
means a HUGE pile of manure considering he's still digesting Christian. (He said
'double DUTY', meaning they're also going to be in the Royal Rumble.. B.C.)
I knew that.
X-Pac won. Good. X-Pac then joins his buddies, HHH, Dogg and Chyna who are being
interviewed backstage. Chyna pats him on the back as he's quite fatigued. Regarding the
Rumble, HHH says, 'every man for himself.' Chyna then grabs the mic and whines in that old
lady voice, '..and woman
' Her grating voice hits this nerve in me that makes me want
to get out knitting needles and stick them in my ears. Perhaps she could win the Rumble
that way. I'd actually rather listen to Kenny's whining.
DER. You guys can't even do it right.
It should be 24:7. (They're horny ONLY at 2:47 AM or PM during the day.. B.C.) When
2:48 comes around, it's over then, huh?
|Shane introduces Luna to the ring who sports a cape
and aluminum foil warrior wear. Luna is to wrestle Sable for the women's title belt in a
Terri Powers, the 'stalker of Sable' interferes in the match and allows
Sable to win, as if Sable could retain the belt any other way. After Powers hits Luna, she
runs into the audience, with Jim Dotson, WWF's head of security, barely keeping up with
her. He's supposed to be protecting the WWF stars and he can't even catch up with them.
|Backstage Boss Man is talking to Testes
and Kenny. I think Bossy packed some extra food into his cargo vest which made him look
pregnant or like a militant Alfred Hitchcock.
Say, for those who ordered this pay per
view, you can get a Limited Edition Vinnie McMahon and Stone Cold Steve Austin action
figures. Stevie doll was probably fashioned after an ape because the arms were practically
down to its knees. Well, at least this free gift is better than the 'grab bag' item I
received for ordering Summerslam, which was a sports water bottle with the OLD WWF logo on
it. I think I was one grab away from a Hulkamania shirt.
Dok Hendrix interviews the Rock. Though the Rock was wearing sunglasses, I thought I
saw sweat fly out of his eyeballs. He should have his entrance theme changed from 'the
the Rock says
' to 'the Rock sweats
the Rock sweats
Mankind vs. Rock in the I Quit match.
Yo dude, your 'C' fell off.
Mankind seemed to have the upper hand in the first half of this match. Mankind used
Socko on Rock. I guess Mankind didn't realize that Rock wouldn't be able to scream, 'I
QUIT' with Socko in his mouth. The most he would exclaim is, 'I KAAAAAAAH!!!!'
Eventually, the match was taken out of the ring and into the technical area
(technically, it's an area) and then into the first tier in the seating area. Mankind
takes a nice dive off the tier and lands in the speaker system, causing well calculated
sparks. Shane comes over to feign concern. 'Ah well, we want him NEAR dead, but we don't
actually want him DEAD DEAD. '
As the match continues in the walk-way, audience members are throwing their signs at
them. Someone should have made a BIG paper airplane and throw that at them. For the Rock,
you make a paper rock. I think they would have been impressed. Otherwise, I think everyone
threw them their signs to get autographs.
We see an audience member on a cellular phone call. If I had his number, I'd call him
up to tell him to get the HELL off the phone. There's an event happening.. wrestling
first, everything else second (this includes natural bodily functions).
Eventually, Mankind gets handcuffed and gets 10 pretty extreme chair shots to the head.
He is drenched in blood and unconscious. The Rock sticks the mic to Mankind's face and a
pre-recording of Mankind screaming 'I QUIT (to the third power)' was played over the
speaker system. The Rock wins the belt.
|Mankind has yet again shed blood for his fans. The
Rock just sweats and spits. Wuss.
The gurney arrives for Mankind but he'd rather walk
back to the dressing room on his own. This was a bit painful to watch. Mick.. Mick..
Mick.. stop that. I order you to stop it. (What she said... WE'RE NOT WORTHY!!!
Dude, you must learn the importance
of proper spacing. What the hell is a MYASS?? Anything like myiasis?? (yes I had to pull
out the dictionary for that..)
Royal Rumble is like one big wrestling orgy, without the sex but there's plenty of
rubbing and crotch grabbing though.
Now in the Royal Rumble, a wrestler comes into the ring every 3 minutes (is it 3??) and
everyone has to try to eliminate each other via throwing them over the top rope and their
feet must hit the ground. (This is probably the only serious paragraph in my report.. for
Austin is the very first man in the Royal Rumble so I suppose he's got 3 minutes to
hang out or wrestle himself while he waits for the next man to enter the ring. I wonder if
he's ever tried sleeperholds on himself. He could run himself into the turnbuckle,
dropkick himself, throw himself on his own back.. very reminiscient to the uncontrollable
Sega CD WWF Rage in the Cage video game many years ago.
|Vinnie walks towards the ring, his body glistening
with oil (to emphasize the muscles). Out of all the pieces of paper that was pelted at
him, I'm surprised that not ONE of them stuck to his oily body. Maybe someone should have
threw oil blotters at him. Or rolling papers.
Though Vinnie is in very good condition
for his age, I still would like to request that he keep his shirt on. He had one
disturbingly saggy breast.
|3rd man Golga comes in to
the Oddities entrance music. The audience had their arms up in the air moving them side to
side along with the beat but the music is abruptly cut short. We see the front row of
people frozen in mid-sway not knowing what to do but look like they're being mugged.
|Austin chases Vinnie to the ladies' room where the
Corporate Team was waiting. What were THEY doing in the ladies' room?? Checking out the
tampon dispenser.. using the floral scented soap.. powdering their noses.. talking about
Meanwhile back at the Rumble, Droz stands alone in the ring really
yearning for a friend.
|Edge then runs towards the ring, mouth gaping WIDE.
With all that teeth, he resembled Venom.
The gurney is brought in for Stevie as he's
lieing face down on the hopefully clean and disinfected bathroom floors. They strap him in
and wheel him outside
and wheel him down the block.. and wheel him
still wheeling him. I think they were going to wheel him to the hospital. They would take
the expressway and if there was an incline, all the medics would just jump on the gurney
with Austin and let gravity take over.
|They managed to cram him into the
ambulance and is enroute to the hospital. I'm sure it just circled the arena about 50
times while Stevie played with the siren. Perhaps they grabbed a pizza and went cruising
Hey, here comes Tiger Ali Singh to the Rumble. We have this strong feeling
that he will win. Yes, it is all very, very possible. Bostin read it on a web site. (It's
true, I read it on the Internet... B.C.)
One moment in the Rumble, the horn sounds off signalling the entrance of another
wrestler.. but no one comes out. (That's my favorite wrestler of ALL time
|Mosh was supposed to be the next man in but Mosh is
backstage taking a little nap with the help of Mabel's big slapping hand. Mabel takes his
place and starts clearing out the ring. The robed Undertaker makes an entrance and he's
about the biggest Jawa I've ever seen. Anyways he 'mesmerizes' Mabel, leans over to speak
to him, perhaps saying, 'tell me, are these breath mints working??' I guess they weren't
because Mabel looked dizzy.
|The Rumble continues and we ask, what
if a wrestler lands outside the ring with his ass to the ground and not his feet? Then if
he was a connisseur of butt walking, he would probably be able to climb back into the
ring. Hey, we have to cover EVERY facet of the rule books.
Goldust prances in like a proud showhorse. Someone needs to talk to him about the
turtleneck make-up that's creeping up his chin though.
KANE comes in and eliminates EVERYONE that was in the ring. I'm sure he would have won
if he didn't have to eliminate himself to get away from the guys running at him with the
strait jacket. I guess he had important meetings to go to, some voice-over work to do..
Just when Undertaker's cronies pile Mabel into the hearse, Stevie is driving back to
the arena in the ambulance. Undertaker should have waved to him, 'HEY, I didn't know you
were coming back.. I thought your segment was over.. We'll go get some steak and potatoes
without any trace of vegetables later, okay??'
Testes and Billy Butt are in such a lock, they were practically kissing. But I guess
Testes was being too fresh with Billy because the next moment we look at them, Testes is
grabbing his nuts. Hell, Testes is so damn huge, someone from the opposite side of the
ring could accidentally hit it. He could poke an audience member's eye out! OH! I must
Testes is so huge he probably can't find a cup that fits him. He may be wearing a soup
bowl (or those aluminum mixing bowls.. B.C.).
Okay, let me stop.
Billy had run into the match wearing one boot and the other foot bandaged. Ah geez. I
think he should have AT LEAST worn sandles or slippers (fuzzy lamb slippers
Feet Billy Goat)
(or flip flops
Austin makes it back to the Rumble and we see Billy totally caressing Austin's jelly
roll, his spare tire, his love handles. Austin must have been confused and distraught
because he started to elbow Billy in the head but was smirking at the same time. It's that
thin line between pleasure and pain..
Meanwhile there were other wrestlers in and out of the ring such as Godfather, Venis,
X-Pac, Gangrel, Al Snow but nothing much happened there. Remember, we focus on what is
important. Well, Al is important to Bostin but he got eliminated pretty fast so
(AAAAHHH , crap! ... B.C.)
|Austin steps out of the ring to where
Vince is doing commentary with Lawler and Cole, grabs a pitcher of water and throws it at
Vinnie. It looked more like Vinnie was thinking, 'Boy, I LOOOVE that man. He just put
another cool billion in my bank account by doing that.' Then someone pelted Vinnie with an
orange. Or a tangerine. Who knows, but it bounced against his microphone which made the
contact sound more harsh than it actually was. It was probably a crumpled up piece of
paper. (I just KNOW it was one of those mini Mr. Goodbars...B.C.)
whoever threw that thing was thinking about what he could do next to save world hunger.
Okay.. eventually Austin was the last man in the ring and he's calling for Vinnie. He
gets to pound on him a little but the Rock interferes and Vinnie actually wins the Rumble.
At this point, FNS completely marked out and screamed to the tv set that Austin was a
stupid redneck and how could he have fallen for that, etc. Bostin and I looked at him like
he just grew a nipple on his nose.
Anyways it's all fun and games, right??
This is Chokee having fun..
See if we care...
Email Chokee Slam** or Bostin
**Please note that any email (hate mail or otherwise) will
become the property of
Mad Phat Wrestling, and may be reprinted on this site at any time in the
ARTICLES || SURVEYS
& GAMES || WWF
REVIEWS || ECW REVIEWS
PACKAGING || WRESTLERS IN MOVIES
|| BABY WRESTLERS
ART BY U1
GALLERIES || LOOK-A-LIKES
|| MAIL || AWARDS
|| AUTHORS || CARDS
& LEGAL || WHAT
IS MAD PHAT? || MAD
PHATISMS || LINKS
|| TAJIRI || JERRY
LYNN || HOME