Oh geez, you betcha, we're in Minnesota. Go Twins. Oh yah.
Okay, I stop. Fargo was a great movie, but it didn't really take place in Fargo, did it? This PPV was also brought to you by Chef Boyardee, who we'd like to see wrestle Franco American.
Jarrett and Debra walk to the ring but Jarrett tells Deb to leave. Fine, she returns with his opponent, D'Lo. D'lo is escorting her back to the ring as if he's saying, 'Hey, look what I found out back in the garbage dump! Now why would someone go and throw away a perfectly good white girl?!'
Jarrett tries to cause more harm to D'lo by throwing him to the pole. D'lo's body, in fine form, buckles like a belt. Then he appropriately slipped on the wet spot on the ground (or a jiz spot) and whoopsie. The whole front audience got a good view of D'lo that only his wife and his proctologist sees.
Henry eventually comes in and levels D'lo with the guitar. That's for the watercress sandwiches he had to endure during that stupid diet. Of course this means that Henry is going to run to the nearest White Castles for a tub full o'sliders and a heart attack will be inevitable. I know where the storyline is going.
Backstage interview with Christian and Edge. Christian is talking about getting rid of their load, Gangrel. He said, 'We outgrew him..' I seriously doubt that. You wouldn't outgrow him if you exploded.
Tag Team elimination bout. Christian and Edge start off. First they have to make their way through the crowd and to the ring of course. I'm sure Christian screamed, 'OH! I felt man hands on my ass!' Don't worry, it's just Edge. He's lacking in the arse department so he has to extract some from your ass leech.
If that should happen again, turn around and stuff a ding dong into his mouth.
Oh, they start off vs. Hard Boys. At one point, the picture went black. Did a bird fly into the satellite? Did Terry Rooster fly into the satellite? (Sorry, I can't resist). Some tech dude sat on the remote?? Bostin is famous for that.
Christian and Edge win, then they go against Mideon and Viscera. Oh boy, I .. have ... no idea... who will... win.
She was walking. (Oh God, you're gonna tell the whole story?? ...BC) It was something she had done for the last 20 plus years of her life. She knew how to walk, and she knew it well. One foot in front of the other. It was second nature. But due to her love for hardcore situations, the following event was inevitable. In one spastic moment, her body buckled like a belt, she emitted a terse, 'oh..', she tipped over sideways, she had some hang time but alas, her shoes finally finished her off. Her knee had a hardcore match with the sidewalk and ... the sidewalk won. Chokee only wished she had a camera ready. Hey, what are friends for? (Please see my ECW Live report for MY side of the story...BC)
Oh, there's wrestling to report, right?
Viscera is trying to recuperate as he sits on the mat. He's like, 'What just happened there?? Well, whatever happened, I was able to get the skinny scrawny blond girl down.' He should fall over more often. Sometimes you stand a chance of hurting someone else besides yourself.
JR tries to make the save by saying, 'What uncanny agility..' You mean 'what uncanny tipping over abilities'.
Oh, Christian and Edge won again and next is Droz and Prince Please Mow Already. As Prince Hair ran towards the turnbuckles, I swear I think all his body hairs flew off him. As soon as he connected with the turnbuckles, all his hair reattached itself to his body. He's like Witch Hazel of Bugs Bunny fame, except she had bobby pins.
Acolytes win and Mr. Simmons celebrates by flexing his boobs. WHOO!! I hear the bongos going in my head now as he jiggles those tits.
Dogg comes out dressed in white. Say are those white opaque stockings you're wearing? Oh wait, they're just your legs. Sorry. Jericho interferes in Dogg's monologue however. We first thought that Jericho came out to give Dogg some pants to cover his stick legs OR some self tanning cream but.. but..
Al Snow vs. Boss Man with Road Dogg doing commentary. Al comes in carrying Pepper. I hope he doesn't shake Pepper the way he used to shake Head.
When the match gets taken outside the arena, Dogg follows them and decides to become the 'Roving Roaddogg', the on-the-spot reporter. Dogg, don't quit your day job, you couldn't really say much besides, 'Hey, Jerry, JR, are you still there??' Oh they were there but you just put them to sleep.
The match gets taken outside (to broad daylight which shows that this was perhaps a pre-recorded segment) to the Blues Alley. By the way Dogg, you're chewing our ears off. You talk too much. Shut up already.
Ooh, Dogg then said something! He said, 'get in there ref.. get in there ref... get in there ref..' So uh.. you think that he should get in there?? By the way, he should get in there. And before he gets in there, he should first ... get in there. Al wins the match, by the way.
Al starts sprinting towards the arena. He should have hailed a cab since it was a pretty long run. Al gets back to the arena to find Blue Meanie and Stevie Richards with Pepper.
Ivory wins this match and struggles to take Tori's bra off. Aw come on girl, you're just like a man. But Luna runs in and chases Ivory, who runs away, looking back on occassion. 'GET AWAY FROM ME!!'
Cole is backstage with Rock who does the basic spiel. He says when the Rock's music plays and all the Rock's fans will stand up.... You mean all two of them? (Oh come on, you know there's at least 5 of them... BC)
Blackman vs. Shamrock. You know, we were trying to figure out why WWF was trying to give Blackman a push. Is it rude for Mad Phat to .. try to push him down though?
Blackman is in the Lion's Den and it looks like his nunchucks are stuck in the back of his pants and in his ass! Is he going to 'stink nunchucks' Kenny? (Kinda like stink palming (anyone who saw 'Mallrats' will know what that is) but with nunchucks). Blackman takes the nunchucks out and swings them about. He's probably like, 'Do you smell these? Cuz I do and BOY do they stink! You in for some trouble Mr. Man!'
Kenny takes the nunchucks away from him and dazzles us with his Bruce Lee moves, all the while (I bet) emitting many, 'ooch, ouch, ow, aaargh, ooch' noises. Good thing he's good at it otherwise we would have heard him scream, 'OH my eye!!' Say, why didn't they have Kerbangers as a weapon? Those things caused bruises, black eyes, missing teeth, broken windows... (Oh, you're so 80's... BC)
JR says that Blackman is 'the silent assassin. He doesn't do a lot of talking. He just talks with his hands and feet.' So you mean, that he draws a mouth and eyes on his hands and does that hand talking thing? Or does he take off his shoes, wiggle his toes and make them talk??
Blackman gets knocked out with the kendo stick and Kenny wins! Of course Blackman was left in the Lion's Den, not even worthy to the clean-up crew. Besides they didn't recognize him as anything that was associated with wrestling.
HOO BOY. I'll be in trouble. Hey, whatever doesn't kill you or maims your career, only makes you stronger.... in another career.
Flashback of the Heat segment where Shane attacked Testes with the kendo stick. We firmly believe that this attack was fueled by the fact that Testes was wearing an atrocious velour jogging outfit. That is so Charlie's Angels, man. Shane leaves a defeated Testes on the floor after the attack and I bet Testes groaned, 'velooooour.' Now you know better, bunny.
For this match, we have this one specific WWF ref who can REALLY scream out numbers during count-outs. His voice is hoarse and I think we can hear him all the way from here. He's counting the hell out of the Posse. This is our rendition of what he sounds like, 'ONE... TWOOOO..... THREEE!!!!' He is a deadly man.
Eventually the Stooges run in to take care of the perpetually interferring Posse and Testes wins this Love Her or Leave Her match. Steph comes running out with arms flailing and hysterically happy. Just let your tongue loll out and scream like a banshee and the picture would be complete. That is what true love looks like. For a better effect, they should have slo-mo'd the shot, ala Chariots of Fire.
Backstage, Cole is interviewing Kane and X-Pac and STOP THE WORLD! Kane's got a NEW outfit on. The red and black are on negative. Nice turtle neck also. You have to cover up the hickey, I'm sure. X gets a little excited from time to time, I think. Kane is definitely in 'I so coo' mode with that outfit.
Someone in the audience keeps holding up a sign
with a URL address on it and it almost spanned the whole row of seats. What the hell did
the URL say? http://...www.//angelfire...///freeservers...kane..//~!2345/GO=
Show eventually delivers a devastating elbow drop on Kane, who merely sits up. 'Gee, that guy's a fat ass...' X must have downed about 5 Energy drinks though since he ran in like, 'I can do it, I can win, I CAN DO IT... SOMEONE JUST GIVE ME A CHAAAAANCE!!!!' But Show levels him which makes X groan, 'energy drink..'
Show gives X a bear hug. JR comments, 'he's squeezing his heart until it stops..' You mean he's squeezing his stomach until he pukes, which, by the way is a perfect way to get out of a bear hug.
Billy Butt escorts Cousin It to the ring. Actually it's a fully packed lady. This is the Butt vs Rock 'Kiss My Ass Match'. Oh goodie, there's the extreme referee who counts like nobody's business. When he orders his coffee and they ask him how many lumps, does he scream, 'THREEEEEE!'? Then I'm sure they secretly give him decaf.
The Rock won by the way.
Flashback of the Austin, HHH, Mankind feud.
Triple Threat Match between Austin, HHH and Mankind. Jesse Ventura, special ref, enters the ring, takes the mic, says, 'Some say I'm a disgrace for being here.. well, I'm proud to be here..' You tell them, Jesse, tell them you're proud to be a disgrace and you're even proud of that old Garfunkel hairstyle you had. Anyways, at one point, Jesse said (I don't remember to who or why, but work with me here), 'Do ever what you wanna do..' Good grief, why didn't you just say, 'It's my highway or the rules..' What's wrong with you dude? You've got Yoda syndrome?
Of course Chyna interferes in this match and Jesse tells her to stick her ass behind that curtain. Of course the classic obnoxious thing to do would be to stick JUST the ass behind the curtain and watch the rest of the match there. (While making faces at Jesse... BC)
Stevie is cocooned in there (I normally joke about wrestlers cocooning themselves in ropes but now, thanks to Steve, my jokes have become a reality. Thank you Steve!) screaming, 'Somebody.. anybody.. HELP!!!'
Oh, I never.
JR tries to make the save by saying that HHH got Stevie caught in the ropes. Heh.. hehe.. ha hah... hee.. HAHA .. HWAAAR HAAAAAAH!! Sorry..
Oh, Mick wins. Stevie was pinned by embarrassment. But Steve, we appreciate what you do to entertain us and when you get caught in the ropes like that, what more could we ask for?
Thanks bald dude.