by Chokee Slam

Minneapolis, MN

Oh geez, you betcha, we're in Minnesota. Go Twins. Oh yah.

Okay, I stop. Fargo was a great movie, but it didn't really take place in Fargo, did it? This PPV was also brought to you by Chef Boyardee, who we'd like to see wrestle Franco American.

Jarrett and Debra walk to the ring but Jarrett tells Deb to leave. Fine, she returns with his opponent, D'Lo. D'lo is escorting her back to the ring as if he's saying, 'Hey, look what I found out back in the garbage dump! Now why would someone go and throw away a perfectly good white girl?!'

Jarrett managed to throw D'Lo to the outside of the ring, right in front of the row of black dudes in the audience. 'Hey my brothers!' D'lo may have said. 'You're looking a little pale tonight,' they may have replied.

Jarrett tries to cause more harm to D'lo by throwing him to the pole. D'lo's body, in fine form, buckles like a belt. Then he appropriately slipped on the wet spot on the ground (or a jiz spot) and whoopsie. The whole front audience got a good view of D'lo that only his wife and his proctologist sees.

Henry eventually comes in and levels D'lo with the guitar. That's for the watercress sandwiches he had to endure during that stupid diet. Of course this means that Henry is going to run to the nearest White Castles for a tub full o'sliders and a heart attack will be inevitable. I know where the storyline is going.

Backstage interview with Christian and Edge. Christian is talking about getting rid of their load, Gangrel. He said, 'We outgrew him..' I seriously doubt that. You wouldn't outgrow him if you exploded.

Tag Team elimination bout. Christian and Edge start off. First they have to make their way through the crowd and to the ring of course. I'm sure Christian screamed, 'OH! I felt man hands on my ass!' Don't worry, it's just Edge. He's lacking in the arse department so he has to extract some from your ass leech.

If that should happen again, turn around and stuff a ding dong into his mouth.

Oh, they start off vs. Hard Boys. At one point, the picture went black. Did a bird fly into the satellite? Did Terry Rooster fly into the satellite? (Sorry, I can't resist). Some tech dude sat on the remote?? Bostin is famous for that.

Christian and Edge win, then they go against Mideon and Viscera. Oh boy, I .. have ... no idea... who will... win.

Edge makes a run towards Viscera but right at that moment, Viscera appropiately tipped over. His one leg flew up and actually connected onto Edge. What pure luck and utter clumsiness. Things like that happen purely by accident, like catching a ball with your face. Just ask Bostin. Just kidding, she never caught a ball with her face. (Yes I did... BC) Oh. BUT that girl did get real hardcore with the sidewalk recently and if anyone knows Chokee, hero of the buggers, she must make her remember it for the next 20,000 years.

She was walking. (Oh God, you're gonna tell the whole story?? ...BC) It was something she had done for the last 20 plus years of her life. She knew how to walk, and she knew it well. One foot in front of the other. It was second nature. But due to her love for hardcore situations, the following event was inevitable. In one spastic moment, her body buckled like a belt, she emitted a terse, 'oh..', she tipped over sideways, she had some hang time but alas, her shoes finally finished her off. Her knee had a hardcore match with the sidewalk and ... the sidewalk won. Chokee only wished she had a camera ready. Hey, what are friends for? (Please see my ECW Live report for MY side of the story...BC)

Oh, there's wrestling to report, right?

Viscera is trying to recuperate as he sits on the mat. He's like, 'What just happened there?? Well, whatever happened, I was able to get the skinny scrawny blond girl down.' He should fall over more often. Sometimes you stand a chance of hurting someone else besides yourself.

JR tries to make the save by saying, 'What uncanny agility..' You mean 'what uncanny tipping over abilities'.

Oh, Christian and Edge won again and next is Droz and Prince Please Mow Already. As Prince Hair ran towards the turnbuckles, I swear I think all his body hairs flew off him. As soon as he connected with the turnbuckles, all his hair reattached itself to his body. He's like Witch Hazel of Bugs Bunny fame, except she had bobby pins.

Christian and Edge win again and next is the Acolytes. Mr. Simmons had his moment in the ring with one of the blond boys and then tagged to Bradshaw. As Mr. Simmons stands by his corner, he smells his fingers. He's like, 'Mmm, which one of you blond girls did I touch? It smells pretty..'

D'OH!

Brad then got in the match and Edge was his opponent. Instead he made a MAD dash towards Christian 'chugga chugga chugga, POOT POOT' and hit Christian right off the mat.

I'm sure Christian was laying outside the ring thinking, 'What did I do??! I was just standing there!! You want the OTHER blond girl!' Hoo boy.

Christian is a trooper though. He gets back onto the mat and cheers for his tag partner. 'Come on SISTER!!' Hoo boy. Sorry. I don't think I've apologized in awhile. I must have been getting gentle.

HEY, ASS LEECH SIGHTING!

And for some reason unbeknownst to the world, Bradshaw is moonwalking across the screen for us. Thank you. That's very 80's of you. Oh, the Acolytes actually win and they go against the final team, Holly and Mini Holly. The Acolytes win since the Holly's can't stop beating on each other. Is that storyline going anywhere? It's going the same place as the Holly/ Big Show plot.

Acolytes win and Mr. Simmons celebrates by flexing his boobs. WHOO!! I hear the bongos going in my head now as he jiggles those tits.

Big Show and UT has entered the arena. Good gravy! Check out UT's BIG belly button! Can he stick a basketball in there? He's gonna scare all the little kiddies by screaming, 'Get in my belly button!'

Dogg comes out dressed in white. Say are those white opaque stockings you're wearing? Oh wait, they're just your legs. Sorry. Jericho interferes in Dogg's monologue however. We first thought that Jericho came out to give Dogg some pants to cover his stick legs OR some self tanning cream but.. but..

Hey, Jericho, the camera's this way. (He looks like he's whizzing.... BC) Perhaps he had seven of those Energy drinks. A man's gotta go, a man's gotta go. They'll let loose anywhere they can. Those are the benefits of not having to squat in order to pee.

After Jericho's spiel, Dogg retaliates with, 'Why don't you shut up bitch..' And proceeds to tell him to suck it, gives the crotch chop and made his fanny pack very excited.

Al Snow vs. Boss Man with Road Dogg doing commentary. Al comes in carrying Pepper. I hope he doesn't shake Pepper the way he used to shake Head.

When the match gets taken outside the arena, Dogg follows them and decides to become the 'Roving Roaddogg', the on-the-spot reporter. Dogg, don't quit your day job, you couldn't really say much besides, 'Hey, Jerry, JR, are you still there??' Oh they were there but you just put them to sleep.

The match gets taken outside (to broad daylight which shows that this was perhaps a pre-recorded segment) to the Blues Alley. By the way Dogg, you're chewing our ears off. You talk too much. Shut up already.

Some biker dude gives Al an assist by giving him his chain. He should have just given him his baseball cap with the fake hair attachment. Yo, that looks so faux.

By the way, see that kid over there? Who let him into the bar??! He is NOT old enough to be in that bar! Wait a minute, he looks like the Dog-Faced Hanson boy. Well, okay, I see now, money will always get you in.

Ooh, Dogg then said something! He said, 'get in there ref.. get in there ref... get in there ref..' So uh.. you think that he should get in there?? By the way, he should get in there. And before he gets in there, he should first ... get in there. Al wins the match, by the way.

Al starts sprinting towards the arena. He should have hailed a cab since it was a pretty long run. Al gets back to the arena to find Blue Meanie and Stevie Richards with Pepper.

Hey Stevie, nothing says gay like a cropped shirt. Thankfully you don't have the T-shaped rug coming out of your belly button and down to your privates.

The camera gets a shot of the Lion's Den which is for the Blackman/ Shamrock weapons match. The camera gets a shot of all the weapons in there.. then focuses on .. the dreaded breadsticks. Good grief, heaven's no, not STELLA DORO!! But hey, Pepperidge Farm remembers.

Ivory vs. Tori. The audience was pretty dead for this match. Gee, unless there's nudity involved, people are just so impatient. Hey, one point, Tori put her hand on Ivory's goodies! Is Tori the gay??

Ivory wins this match and struggles to take Tori's bra off. Aw come on girl, you're just like a man. But Luna runs in and chases Ivory, who runs away, looking back on occassion. 'GET AWAY FROM ME!!'

Cole is backstage with Rock who does the basic spiel. He says when the Rock's music plays and all the Rock's fans will stand up.... You mean all two of them? (Oh come on, you know there's at least 5 of them... BC)

Alright, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Billy Butt walks into the arena with...  Cousin It!

Blackman vs. Shamrock. You know, we were trying to figure out why WWF was trying to give Blackman a push. Is it rude for Mad Phat to .. try to push him down though?

Blackman is in the Lion's Den and it looks like his nunchucks are stuck in the back of his pants and in his ass! Is he going to 'stink nunchucks' Kenny? (Kinda like stink palming (anyone who saw 'Mallrats' will know what that is) but with nunchucks). Blackman takes the nunchucks out and swings them about. He's probably like, 'Do you smell these? Cuz I do and BOY do they stink! You in for some trouble Mr. Man!'

Kenny takes the nunchucks away from him and dazzles us with his Bruce Lee moves, all the while (I bet) emitting many, 'ooch, ouch, ow, aaargh, ooch' noises. Good thing he's good at it otherwise we would have heard him scream, 'OH my eye!!' Say, why didn't they have Kerbangers as a weapon? Those things caused bruises, black eyes, missing teeth, broken windows... (Oh, you're so 80's... BC)

JR says that Blackman is 'the silent assassin. He doesn't do a lot of talking. He just talks with his hands and feet.' So you mean, that he draws a mouth and eyes on his hands and does that hand talking thing? Or does he take off his shoes, wiggle his toes and make them talk??

Eventually Blackman gets the most fatal weapon of all, the Stella Doro breadsticks of crunchy death. Kenny is down in the Den and Blackman ... stumbled on his foot.  Blackman is the most deadliest of weapons... to himself. Maybe Kenny was grinning, 'I got him good..'

Blackman gets knocked out with the kendo stick and Kenny wins! Of course Blackman was left in the Lion's Den, not even worthy to the clean-up crew. Besides they didn't recognize him as anything that was associated with wrestling.

HOO BOY. I'll be in trouble. Hey, whatever doesn't kill you or maims your career, only makes you stronger.... in another career.

HOO.. sorry.

Flashback of the Heat segment where Shane attacked Testes with the kendo stick. We firmly believe that this attack was fueled by the fact that Testes was wearing an atrocious velour jogging outfit. That is so Charlie's Angels, man. Shane leaves a defeated Testes on the floor after the attack and I bet Testes groaned, 'velooooour.' Now you know better, bunny.

Signage: Does that say 'No Change in Hell'? How does one do their laundry in hell?? I bet all the pricings in hell end in .99 also. That would mean you always overpay for your products and never get change back at all. That IS hell.

Testes vs. Shane with the Hawaiian Shirt Posse. Oh lookee, this must be a new breed of wrestling fans. The 'cap with hair attached to it' species.  Oh grow your own hair, or just take some of Debra's.

Shane actually amazed and took a massive leap off the top rope onto Testes who was laying on the announcer's table. Whoa, there was definitely hang time there. I'm sure he had time to flip up a sign that would say, 'Uh-Oh, I change my mind.' Looney tunes, I tell you, the decadence of society.

For this match, we have this one specific WWF ref who can REALLY scream out numbers during count-outs. His voice is hoarse and I think we can hear him all the way from here. He's counting the hell out of the Posse. This is our rendition of what he sounds like, 'ONE... TWOOOO..... THREEE!!!!' He is a deadly man.

Eventually the Stooges run in to take care of the perpetually interferring Posse and Testes wins this Love Her or Leave Her match. Steph comes running out with arms flailing and hysterically happy. Just let your tongue loll out and scream like a banshee and the picture would be complete. That is what true love looks like. For a better effect, they should have slo-mo'd the shot, ala Chariots of Fire.

And hell, if her size 7 feet tripped all over her size 12 slippers (she must have borrowed them from Testes), then so be it. Love is about running to your lover and falling flat on your face. Remember, if you fall down and flatten your nose and your lover stays with you, it was meant to be.

UT and Show vs. Kane and X-Pac. During the flashback montage, we get an unnecessary close up of Show's face. Good grief, I'd hate to be the woman who has to wake up to that. He looks like he's screaming, 'GIVE ME COFFEE!!!' or even worse, 'GIVE ME SEX!!!' This would cause any woman to leap out of bed, pedal out of the house in her moo-moo frock, curlers and bunny slippers, and run happily yet hysterically into traffic.

Oh well, this isn't any better to wake up to. Is he trying to lap up that bit of chocolate that's stuck on his badger?

Backstage, Cole is interviewing Kane and X-Pac and STOP THE WORLD! Kane's got a NEW outfit on. The red and black are on negative. Nice turtle neck also. You have to cover up the hickey, I'm sure. X gets a little excited from time to time, I think. Kane is definitely in 'I so coo' mode with that outfit.

X and Kane watch UT and Show make their entrance. There is an obvious look of fear on X's face. 'I'm so dead, I have never been deader in my life. Hey Kane, tell my wife it's been nice knowing her, actually it was really nice knowing you too Big Red Dude. Oh dip, no amount of Icy Hot is going to help me.'

X doesn't do too bad in this match. On many occassions, he slingshot himself onto UT, perhaps from the blimp. If that's the case, slingshot your way over here! It's raining men, halleluja, it's raining men...  (It's raining wrestlers. Now that's the kind of weather I like... BC)

Someone in the audience keeps holding up a sign with a URL address on it and it almost spanned the whole row of seats. What the hell did the URL say? http://...www.//angelfire...///freeservers...kane..//~!2345/GO=
... Alright..

One point, UT ended up in the Kane/X corner and little X took the opportunity to pounce on him good. He stood right up on the second rope so he could LOOM over UT and pounded him in rapid secession and probably said, 'Doesthisbugyou doesthisbugyou doesthisbugyou....' UT escaped which allowed X to let out the afterthought, 'And don't let me see you in this corner again, y'hear??!'

OOH It's raining X-Pac again! UT is getting a little fatigued at this point, 'I wish someone would stop throwing this little man at me..'

Of course UT takes the advantage and tries to chokeslam X but Kane manages to make the save by simply picking X off UT's hands, like a bon bon.

UT's bewildered.  'I feel like there's been a great weight lifted off my hands.' X-Pac, the perfect sponsor for Friskies, flailed his legs about in protest, 'Let me go, let me go. I had him right where I wanted him!!'

Show eventually delivers a devastating elbow drop on Kane, who merely sits up. 'Gee, that guy's a fat ass...' X must have downed about 5 Energy drinks though since he ran in like, 'I can do it, I can win, I CAN DO IT... SOMEONE JUST GIVE ME A CHAAAAANCE!!!!' But Show levels him which makes X groan, 'energy drink..'

Show gives X a bear hug. JR comments, 'he's squeezing his heart until it stops..' You mean he's squeezing his stomach until he pukes, which, by the way is a perfect way to get out of a bear hug.

Oh well, X loses the match and what does UT and Show have to show for it? Show has extreme hair. This throws off his equilibrium because as he walked back to the locker rooms, all he could say was, 'Baaah!! AAAHHH!' You don't say, huh?? What was that middle part again?

Billy Butt escorts Cousin It to the ring. Actually it's a fully packed lady. This is the Butt vs Rock 'Kiss My Ass Match'. Oh goodie, there's the extreme referee who counts like nobody's business. When he orders his coffee and they ask him how many lumps, does he scream, 'THREEEEEE!'? Then I'm sure they secretly give him decaf.

The Rock won by the way.

Flashback of the Austin, HHH, Mankind feud.

Hey check that out, Austin must have had a head leech on his head. Or it was just Debra sitting on his head like a hat. Oh dear.

Triple Threat Match between Austin, HHH and Mankind. Jesse Ventura, special ref, enters the ring, takes the mic, says, 'Some say I'm a disgrace for being here.. well, I'm proud to be here..' You tell them, Jesse, tell them you're proud to be a disgrace and you're even proud of that old Garfunkel hairstyle you had. Anyways, at one point, Jesse said (I don't remember to who or why, but work with me here), 'Do ever what you wanna do..' Good grief, why didn't you just say, 'It's my highway or the rules..' What's wrong with you dude? You've got Yoda syndrome?

Heh.

HHH enters the ring and Jesse is taking advantage of bare boobs. So squishy, I'm sure. Hey, what kind of political figure are you?? You're not doing it right. You should be going for the most private of privates. While you're at it, go for Chyna's boobs too. Better yet, don't. You might puncture you hand on that spiked bra.

Of course Chyna interferes in this match and Jesse tells her to stick her ass behind that curtain. Of course the classic obnoxious thing to do would be to stick JUST the ass behind the curtain and watch the rest of the match there. (While making faces at Jesse... BC)

HHH pulls on Austin's leg, revealing this crazy muscle in his leg.  It must be the .. uh .. the ssshaassafra-cep muscle. Chyna interferes and Ventura ejects her. I hope he didn't push her button which would cause her to pop up. That's HHH's duty.

Hey what's going on?? Debauchery again. HHH is kissing Mankind in the corner and Austin is just flailing his arms about like he's Ed Norton.

Now, Shane had interfered and Ventura decides to throw Shane out of the ring. Austin figured he'd get a good looksie and stepped on the rope and ..

whoopsie, this is the classic fumble of the year (almost rivals Goldberg falling backwards), Stevie tips over.. and gets caught in the ropes.

See his foot? Well, Debra, he's all yours.

It's blurry but it's there. I'm surprised that the camera man was so merciful! (It's like a Sasquatch picture. We swear, it really is Stevie caught in the ropes!! ...BC)

Stevie is cocooned in there (I normally joke about wrestlers cocooning themselves in ropes but now, thanks to Steve, my jokes have become a reality. Thank you Steve!) screaming, 'Somebody.. anybody.. HELP!!!'

HHH saves Stevie.  I'm sure HHH sympathizes since he was in a similar predicament not too long ago. Steve probably yelled, 'GET THE JAWS OF LIFE!' The best way Stevie would have saved himself is if he got out of the ropes, stood by them, pointed to them and screamed, 'WATCH OUT, THESE ROPES ARE DANGEROUS!!'

Well, the audience saw it. They're laughing AND pointing at him. You guys are so cruel. We would NEVER do something like that. Hell, we wouldn't even report on it or put a series of captures about it.

Oh, I never.

JR tries to make the save by saying that HHH got Stevie caught in the ropes. Heh.. hehe.. ha hah... hee.. HAHA .. HWAAAR HAAAAAAH!! Sorry..

Look, now Stevie can't show his face. Don't worry Steve, some people might forget. But just to be safe, maybe you should move to a remote little island, where wrestling doesn't exist.

Oh, Mick wins. Stevie was pinned by embarrassment. But Steve, we appreciate what you do to entertain us and when you get caught in the ropes like that, what more could we ask for?

Thanks bald dude.

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