by Chokee Slam


When one is in Detroit, Kiss Lyrics Tourettes is inevitable. Hey, this is Kid Rock's hometown, ya? Well then, Bawitdaba! Please donate some hohos to that fine sweatsock-sportin' lad.

Re-cap of how the Rock/ Austin/ HHH triple threat match came to fruition. One day, Rock was wearing his granny glasses and hence dubbed, The Old People's Champion. 

The sight of GrandPa Rock became, not a double threat, not a fourple threat, but a triple threat to the likes of HHH and Austin, who are chronologically older than the Rock. Hell, who wants to be reminded that they're no spring chicken in the wrestling biz…

No? Okay.. then .. uh.. Vince booked it. If you believe that, boy, are you a mundane wrestling fan.

On Heat, Ivory cut the funniest promo by doing her impression of Moolah croaking at the 'Dudden Death' match. DUDDEN! Sorry, that was Crackhead Bob intervening on my keyboard. 
Anyways, great job, Ivory. You make me proud that I mentioned your name in a previous Raw report and you were coincidentally signed by the WWF not too long after that. By the way, can you let them know that I'm still waiting for my finder's fee?

Also on Heat, we get a recap of the Chyna/ Jericho feud. Chyna said to Chris, 'The thing you would hate the most is if you looked across the ring to see…' NOBODY, right? That would mean that they played a bad joke on him and sent him to the wrong arena.

Speaking of bad jokes, someone played one on HHH. His palms were way darker than the rest of his body. This would mean that someone put self tanning solution in his hand soap, his hand lotion, his manicure kit, and anywhere they figured he would place his palms against.. like Chyna's butt.

Okay, on with the show.

Godfather's Team consists of D'lo, sporting the best in the Starburst Pimp Wear line, and the Headbangers, who are wearing huge afro wigs which makes them look like big, black dirty q-tips. I hate to wonder whose ears they cleaned. BLECH!

Hell, I think Thrasher's wig was on steroids. It's HUGE! He looks like Colt 40-Feinberg. They go against the Dudleys and Acolytes.

Since it is pretty difficult to wrestle with a cumbersome afro, Bubba gave a little assist. He pulled off Mosh's wig and threw it at Bradshaw. This only resulted in Bradshaw wondering why someone would throw their pubes at him and Bostin wishing that Bubba would start pulling more things off Mosh's body.

Alas, I respond, it's not that kind of PPV.

Anyways, after Bradshaw rejected the muff (granted, some men don't get into that sorta thing), it laid in wait in the ring, hoping for someone, ANYONE, to bury their face in it. Yes, that ring now has winter bush.
Muff, pubes.. or a tribble? This brings to mind a silly Bostin story. Someone at her work place asked her if she should get her young daughters muffs for Christmas. Before Bostin could get her snide comments in check, she said, 'I don't know, I think they'll eventually grow their own.'

Thrasher is eliminated and he is asked to leave. I suppose the ref said to him, 'Will you leave? Please? Leave? Can you leave??' Politeness = good thing. A punch to the face = quick results.

Just kidding.

D-Von is splayed on the second rope so Mosh takes this opportunity to … get himself very excited as he LEAPT onto D'Von's back, happily and heartily bouncing. This resulted in the pitching of the ever popular tent! WHOO HOO! Let's go camping! Actually, Mosh has gone beyond tenting and is ballooning now. He obviously shot his 10cc load.

Mr. Coo and D-Von are eliminated and they continue battling towards the back. They are so intent on hurting each other, I bet that I'll be seeing them fight each other throughout the whole evening. They'll go through the audience bleachers, concession stands and marquee from one side of the screen to the other.

GF's team wins this bout and the ref danced with the hoes. I don't suppose he's even HEARD of a beat. Can we get the rhythm police in to break up that travesty? He's going to hurt someone.

Kurt Ankle. Yes, they said, 'Ankle'. He should team up with Joey Abs and some of the future unsigned talents like Mike Finger, Joe Head and Bob Anus.

Ankle will go against Shawn Stasiak, who really should just cut to the chase and change his name to 'Ballsac Stasiak'. Anyways, as the combatants enter the ring, I think I heard a mad army of crickets. I heard them plotting the destruction of the world and they have the whole plan of invasion completed and ready to be executed.

We get old clippage of Shawn's pop, Stan Stasiak. Now that we know where Shawn got his looks from, please switch footage.
Okay, they switched footage to show that, thankfully, Shawn didn't inherit his dad's body. I guess they didn't invent weights back then??


During the match, Ankle screams to the audience that they shouldn't boo an Olympic medallist. At that point, he should have gotten back into the ring only to have Stasiak get right up to his mug and scream, 'BOOOOOO!' the way Nicole Bass would. That would have sent him sailing into the next time zone, hence, match won. They just don't think of these strategies. This is why the crickets will dominate the world.

Bostin says, 'This is more of a Shotgun match.' Now with my wrestling knowledge and expertise of the current state of affairs in this here wrestling business, I inform my wrestling fan cohort that it's not called Shotgun anymore. It's called Jakked Up. Take it from me, I know!

I also know that… Kurt won.

'Earlier today' on Heat... there was a blur. No one could make out who this blur was or where it came from. Hey, maybe it's Puck Dupp, tobacco spittin' manager extraordinaire of the Dupp Brothers in ECW. 
Remember that name, Mad Phatties, for he is our new hero of silliness and the connisseur of the snake style performance art. 
Venis (looks like a gas bubble is just about to escape him), Gangrel, Mark Henry and Steve Blackman vs British Bulldog and The Posse. You know, in that whole ring, I think Venis is the only wrestler.

In reference to the Pisse and their sweater vests, Lawler asked JR if he knew what cashmere is. Oh please don't insult his knowledge. I'm sure he knows that it's the Led Zeppelin song. By the way, everyone, HIT RODNEY!!

Venis goes for a top rope maneuver. He's standing proud, folks, he's up there, he's tucking his arms in. Please be silent. This is a serious technique that requires the utmost concentration. He's extending his wings out, his eyes MUST be bulging out of their sockets.

Ladies and gentlemen, he's getting ready to MARVEL us as he arches his back. He's been practicing this move for barely two years or two minutes, I can't be sure because this kind of controversial news is kept from the common person.

Well, we do know that he's going to perfect it tonight. I can feel the electricity in the air. He's been working his whole life to reach to this level. Okay, he's perched and he's ready! ………….. Bah-KOK!

Well, at least that's what he did in our warped minds. Listen, if you're in that chicken stance, expect someone to Bah-KOK in your presence.

Venis' team wins.

It's the Dudden Death match with Mae Young, Moolah, Tori, Debra vs. Ivory, Jacqueline, Luna and Terri.

The camera closes in on Mae's tattoo. Nah, that's not a tat, it's a liver spot gone buck wild. (Is that a pac-man monster??)  I'd like to make a note that people who DO NOT have tattoos are EXPERTS in detecting whether one is fake or not.

Bostin and I were in a supermarket elevator, trapped with this old fart of a man who insisted that my tattoos were temporary. He continued to tell us all the different types of tattoos; the washable tattoos, the permanent ones, and the ones that stay on your skin for a few years. Needless to say, his wife stood there looking at me hoping that I was a lunatic with an uzi and that I would end her misery with that ignoramus.

Ah well, people constantly are in denial of their inferiority. If they accept that fact, they may actually get into RESEARCHING and LEARNING in order to get out of that mental state.

Anyways, some people state that Mae's tat on her withered skin is a good campaign in urging people NOT to get a tat. First of all, we as human beings, aren't supposed to live to the age of 2000. Second of all, I'm sure she doesn't regret anything so why should anyone else. I don't see her name on anyone else's birth certificate.

Sheesh. Stuffy.

Well, rogue liver spot or not, we can't get past her farmer's tan. Now THAT'S something to regret. Oh dear.  (You know what I would regret??  -- Being a man and wearing Birkenstocks... BC)
Ivory is the last to be announced into the ring .. and is promptly run over by Moolah.  You know, I cannot stress the dangers of allowing old people to drive. This match lasts for about 3 seconds, ending with Moolah pinning Ivory.

It was nice of Stevie to throw up Debra, after he had consumed her some time ago, allowing her television time but.. now Debra will have to get back into Austin's belly and never be seen again. Hey Stevie, don't let her repeat on you again.

X-Pac vs. Kane. Since X said that Kane's winky is bacon, Tori retaliated on Heat, by saying X has a little hose. This sort of verbal exchange shows that they all have great potential to be great debaters and can certainly work an argument. They forgot the most intelligent, staggering rebuttal though. 'OH YEAH???! WELL, YOU'RE STUPID!!!'


We suggest that they have a 'Show Your Manlihood' match. The sad thing is that Tori would probably win by default based on her man-ass and man-hands. Hell, she's got both men licked.

OH, that's dirty filthy. May I join in, please?

By the way, since I'm listening to Kid Rock right now, I'd like to comment on the song 'Wasting Time' where he and this chick belt out some hefty SOULful crooning in ode to wasting time drinking and smoking. It's good to be that passionate about things no matter what it is. In turn I would like to soulfully belt out something that I feel just as strongly about. Here we go: Just laaaaaaying around…. Doing nothing….. WHOOOOA… sleeeeping!' (... 'just laying on the couch.. eatin' cheetoooooos!!!  ... faaartin' ... BC)

Garcia interviews X. He says that he carried Kane's ass for Lord knows how long. I didn't realize that little X was so STRONG! I mean Kane's ass is ostensibly categorized as solid beef broth muscle! Hefty hefty hefty.

Lawler adds his two cents in about Kane's 'shortcomings' as he says, 'A girl saw Kane naked and she said, 'Oh sweet, you brought incense..' Hopefully it wasn't those little cones. I suppose that's better than her saying that he has two belly buttons, ya?

Dogg and HHH interfere in this match and they all beat on Kane.

Tori runs in to save but X accidentally kicks her. Just like a man, when you hit a chick, you feign guilt, promise that you'd never do it again, give that 'give me a puke bucket' look and then … wait for the appropriate moment to do it again. 
When Kane comes around, he assists Tori .. by holding her head to his rice krispie. 

Hey… I … like … Rice Krispies. Especially the Marshmallow ones.

Backstage Cole interviews Rock. Rock is immobile but manages to turn to face Cole.  This can only mean that … he's standing on a Lazy Susan. Am I sharp or what?  (OR WHAT!!! ... BC)

HHH comes running in to pounce. Now, if there is a blond in a scuffle, Serial Hugger, Tony Garea will be there. You can count on that. The camera managed to cut away for a brief second but when we resume to a full shot, Garea and HHH have disappeared. WOW, he honed his hugging skills to the hilt. He is Super Hugger! Hugger Man! Wonder Hugger! The Man from H.U.G.!

Did I do that joke already? Whatever...

He works fast! HHH must be tied up and strapped onto the wall of Garea's Pit of Iniquitous Huuuuugs and Slight Despair already.

Prince Chiaback, Bossman, Fishera and Mideon vs. Big Show. Oh, hey Mideon, if you're trying to look disgusting, you hit the nail on the head. You're doing a great job. Heh. Honestly, what's worse than a man wearing make-up is … a man who doesn't know how to apply the make-up on.

This match was basically a squash. Show was supposed to team with Kaientai and Blue Meanie but he had beat them up on Heat. Well, ALRIGHT! BEAT UP KAIENTAI!! The little squirts. Leave the Meanie alone though.

Now it's just the Big Blow. You know, like the gum.

Show rids of the opponents, except for Bossy. Bossy, the brave man that he is, looked at Show like, 'Uuuuh, you know, I just remembered I got that THING I gotta do. I'll be right back. Just wait here for me, okay?' Now run like the wind and knock over every single person in the way, which includes but is not limited to old women, small children in strollers, small animals and wayward bugs.

In the parking lot, Stevie is looking for HHH but a car is driving towards him. Stevie may have looked at the oncoming car, eyebrows lifted and said, 'oh?' Stevie jumped onto the hood and rolled all over the car. Geez, I hope that the car got the license of that Stone Cold Steven.

JR screamed, 'Austin got run down!' Aw, dude, he was run down already. Debra sucked all his energy out, I'm sure.

Vinnie runs to the scene and is obviously very upset, 'OH NO! He's my number one draw!!' Okay EMT's, GET TO WORK! YOU, BLONDIE, make sure he's alright. Take your shirt off, wiggle your bosoms in his face and if he doesn't react, he's most certainly dead.

AND, to be positively sure, you'd better TAKE HIS CLOTHES OFF!!

You know what, that car looked like our Mad Phat coo mobile.. except it was a different color, make, model, and style.

DX show up and Vinnie accuses them of taking away his main supplier. DX says that they didn't have anything to do with the accident. 'WE DID NOT DO IT! It was the guy that we hired, smarty pants!!! ........ oops.'

The EMT's work on Stevie. Blondie hands one of them.. a large sponge. Well, alright, I guess they are going to take his clothes off and wipe him down.. like a baby or a decrepit old man. They cart him off on the stretcher and considering they're not real EMT's, I was waiting for them to drop him. 'Oops. My bad.' Hell, I bet they didn't even lock the back door, which would of course mean that once they drive off, Stevie's gurney will roll right out. Then he better pray to the heavens that they weren't driving uphill.

JR had left his announcer's table to check on the situation so it's up to Lawler to keep the audience interested. What we get is a shot of a person who is obviously dying in front of the cameras. 'JR?? JR???! Come back.. I'm dying out here! Go to highlights or something!!? For the love of GOD, GO TO HIGHLIGHTS!!!'

At that point, D-Von and Mr. Coo should have rolled on the announcers' table, fighting their little hearts out.

Jericho vs. Chyna. It was great to see Jericho carry this match considering he's had such bad press lately about getting heat backstage, etc. 

There are those who seem intent on causing controversy in his life. I reckon whoever started the rumors has a wife that screams Jericho's name during sex … with another man, even. Ah well, why wouldn't they be jealous. Look at him. He's talented, he's Steak Hard Pec, he's got a personality, and he eats a lot of eggs.

Jericho may have jobbed in this match but when you get down to the nitty gritty, he won this match as well as the majority of the audience. It was obvious that Chyna wasn't used to that caliber of wrestling and was lacking stamina. Given time, she'll get better but she was pretty winded by mid-match.

Anyways, there was a nice little cheering section of three people for Jericho. They screamed, 'Go Jericho Go!' Maybe they should have said, ''Blow Jericho Blow!' or 'Row Jericho Row!' If I was there, you'd hear, 'Grow Jericho Grow!

Oh dear.

At one point, Jericho ended upside down on the turnbuckles. HEY! VULNERABLE WRESTLER in the ring! VULNERABLE WRESTLER in the ring! Of course, this would trigger the Leap Pounce and Mount mechanism from within me. Oh for crying out loud, he's in that position and all Chyna did was kick him? I would have pulled his pants... up.

Jericho attempts to taunt Kitty by thrusting and gyrating at her. All I can say is ... dude, you are so WHITE! RHYTHM? There's a whole nation of it according to Janet Jackson and you didn't get any? Oh well, at least he's got great hair.

Some 'internet reporter' noted that females were cheering for Chyna and men were cheering for Jericho. It's amazing how this person had the time to poll the entire arena!

Can we say 'DER'?  ('der'... BC)

Backstage, DX goes to Shane's room. I think HHH just wants to vent to someone about his dark palms. 'Look at what Chyna did to me.' Oh, as an afterthought, HHH says that DX didn't have anything to do with Austin's accident.

Hollies enter. They are allegedly over 800 lbs. So, their scale weighs 500 pounds, huh? Hollies and Too Cool vs Edge/ Christian and the Hard Boys.

Hollies' team wins. As we can see from Bob's tripod, he really reeeeeally enjoyed that match. He LOOOOVED that match! BOY oh BOY, if there was anything that he REALLY loved in the world, it was THAT match!
JR asks Shane what the word is on Austin. Shane turns his Bambi eyes towards the camera and might say, 'Why are you filming me?? Please don't film me.' He would then go screaming into the night and then get knocked over by the same car that hit Austin. Life is just ironic, isn't it?

Actually, Shane says that Stevie is suffering from 'a severe head…' You're telling me!!

Okay, actually it's a 'severe head injury.' The term 'severe head' can be taken in more ways than one, however.
1. Perverted: 'Boy, Debra must be a pro….'
2. Physical and Cosmic: 'Did you look at the size of that head? It is so severe, it's got its own gravitational pull.'
3. Illiterate and Stupid: 'Aw.. someone cut Austin's head off??'

NAO vs Mick and Al. Supposedly the person driving the car was a blond so they suspect Billy Butt. I'd have to say 'nay'.


Butt was probably backstage shaving his ass.

Some audience member is holding up a Socko. I think it's saying, 'Raaargh.. raaargh.. raaaargh.. raaargh..' and to complete the thought, 'raargh.' 
During this match, a battered Al ends up smeared on the announcer's table. 'So guys, how am I doing?? You think I have a chance to win? Tell it to me straight........... well, then tell me how the broadcasting is going. Say anything good about me?' 

JR gives the update on Austin. He says that Stevie is getting his battery checked (huh?) and an MRI. Then he should also get a CPA, FDA... (IRA, AARP... BC) and then get the full bargain hospitAL treatment which includes a transfusion, a lobotomy, liposuction, enema, c-section and the one time special BONUS colonic.

Triple threat match. It's Rock vs. HHH vs... Big Show??!!! Well now we know who drove the car. Who woulda thunk that they'd get someone more winded than Austin to wrestle this match. D'oh! (As in the Big D'oh).

JR states that HHH is 'no small man'. Well well, HOW would YOU know, JR?? We certainly know that HHH is an orange man. Well, if the HHH character starts to fade out, he can come back as Lobster Boy or The Great Triple Pumpkin.

DX runs in to interfere like dingoes. Bow wow.. woof grrr.. woof… yip. (The yip came from l'il X-Pac)

Vince then tries to hit HHH with the belt but misses. To cover the flub, Vince pretends that he really meant to do a booty dance with HHH.

Show wins.

Show wins?

The overjoyed Wight hugs the belt and … drools. Dude, is there a hole in your chin?? For the love of Gawd, just CORK IT UP!!

The battered ... and very fried.. HHH is assisted to the back by DX. Apparently, the tanning lotion is starting to eat at his skin. Geez, he looks like he got the full cancer treatment by going to the beach with a tanning bed and one of those reflective foil things.

Now, in my mind, I'd like to close out the PPV thinking of D-Von and Mr. Coo fighting from one side of the screen to the other. Good thing I'm not writing for the WWF, right?


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