UNFORGIVEN
by Chokee Slam

Charlotte, NC

Hey, it's those douche chilling promos reminiscent of the graphics used for the last Survivor Series PPV. They're just black and white footage that fades-in and fades-out which only sadistically reminds us of the music they used. Gospel-like singers belched out, 'Well it's a deadly game!!!' We're tragically scarred from that, you know.

They would be interesting only if they had faded in to a picture of someone like Steven Regal with the oh-so-proper English snarl. This time we get British Bulldog whose expression says, 'Whuuuuuut? Why am I here and why am I sideways??' Too bad Blackman isn't part of it. He had the best, 'TURN OUT THAT LIGHT!' expression.

Big Show looks like he's about to burp. Someone turned the lights on him after he raided the frig, I reckon, and I mean a frig in someone else's home.

Illustration signage of the Rock.  Hey, what happened to his pigment? He's got Michael-Jacksonitis. His arms are also entirely too short and if things aren't bad enough, he's got mumps.

By the way, the refs are still on strike.

Here comes Venis walking towards the ring and .......... there goes Venis walking to the back. Did you forget your panties or something? Worse than that, he probably forgot to Smint. Nobody likes a naked wrestler ridden with halitosis. Actually he went to retrieve the Steve Blackman bag of lethal weapons which probably included kendo sticks, vibrators and wrigley's spearmint gum.

Venis takes the mic and said, 'Ladies... Venis figures the reminants..' He said 'REMINANTS'?? He continues, '... of Hurricane Floyd..' In the least, you should have been consistent with your speech flubbery and said, 'FUH-LOYD'.

They announce that Blackman comes from Anvil, PA. That would explain his anvil shaped head. I bet the town is perched on top of one huge anvil. You know, we have often drove past Authur Kill road many times but never EVER saw anyone killing Authur there. Where do these names come from?? Our little road trips always bring up silly inside jokes between Bostin and I. The classic road sign read, 'Nyack / So Nyack'. I asked, 'What is Nyack/ So Nyack?? And what makes it SO Nyack than the other Nyack??' Don't mind me. There was no period after the 'SO' so I had no idea it meant SOUTH.

Hey, live and learn. Then we drove by the 'Bible Bookstore' and figured there wasn't a wide selection to choose from.. and kept driving by.

I love road trips.

OH, wrestling stuff.  (Wait!! One more!!  Remember that church, in Connecticut??  HOLY NAME OF JESUS!!!  That sounds like an exclamation... BC)

JR is perpetually trying to build up Steve Blackman's character since Steve can't do that on his own. JR said, 'Blackman can hurt you with his feet, hands, head..' You forgot to mention his face, his gimmickless character, the Bette Davis eyes and his speaking voice.

HEY, Front Row Audience People, you're in the FRONT row and you're standing up??!! Geez, once you leave your homes, all sense of courtesy gets thrown out the window? Can't take you guys anywhere. Look, one dude is on his cell phone!! I swear, if I was at that show, I would pick up my cell phone and call him to tell him to GET OFF THE FRIGGIN' PHONE AND SIT THE FRAG DOWN!

During the match, Venis actually tried to give birth to a Blackman head. He's crowning!  Oh Val. You've given birth to a beautiful anvil head. Well, alright, 'beautiful' is not just an exaggeration but a blatant lie. Just kidding. Blackman was a child once upon a time. Perhaps he didn't have the anvil head yet but I'm sure he was, in the least, a block head.

Venis wins this match but Blackman attacks with the kendo stick. Enter the 'paramedics'. One is a blonder than blond chick with bigger than big boobies. I guess she can… uh.. feed him some milk from those udders. Anyways, Blackman must be lactose intolerant because he yells at her but beefy Dotson took him down.

Hey, y'all think there's a buried treasure on that medic's back? Quick, someone get a shovel and let's start digging. Well, wasn't that surreal.

The medics make a lame attempt at … medicating. Come on guys, just wing it. Stick things in him or something. Make it look official. Cram a tongue depressor up his butt. Then confuse him by asking him what his gimmick is or what day it is. (At least I know what day it is.)

Cole is backstage with Wight, whose got his two sausage fingers pointing at his belly button. This saves us the trouble of having to put arrows towards it. Thanks, Hormel Link man. Just one question. Why did you paint your fingernails white?? I think burgundy would be better with your skin tone.

Show insults Cole by saying, 'Did you take a stupid pill today??' Now that was mean. I'm sure Cole has never taken a stupid pill in his life. He takes them in liquid form and there's nothing wrong with that. Now if Cole had taken his smart-ass pill, he would have said, 'Actually, the stupid pill was accidentally stuffed in the side of beef that was your lunch.' Of course Cole would then be chewed up and spit out like Stevie's tobacco but hey, at least you got the last word in.

A photo still of the evening's main event: The Six Pack Challenge. Austin is there marketing his people, 'Well, here are my 5 bitches and their 200 pound gargantuan pet head. Any offers?? Whomever you choose, the pet head has to come along.' Sounds nasty kinky to me. Mick is in his own little world however, saying, 'Hello, God, it's me Mankind.'

Re-cap of the D'lo and Mark Henry relationship. When Henry was preparing for his date with Chyna, his hand … uh… broke off at the wrist. That had to hurt. Things like that, and not showering, can really just ruin a romantic evening.

Garcia interviews Henry backstage. He whispers something into her ear and she slaps him. What people neglected to report on was the fact that there was a chicken standing behind Mark.  Ba-kok! Geez, I bet they told her to wear her best outfit and well.. all she had laying around the house was a dead peacock, a lampshade and her cat. The dead animal was the best choice.

Henry gets in the ring and says that he can't wrestle because Garcia's slap to his face gave him a 'braineurysm'. Ah, Henry is a mere novice when it comes to 'calling in sick to work'. You should have tried for … a torn porkstring (which is alittle left to the proximity of the hamstring). Otherwise use the excuse I always use, 'UUUUUUUUUUUUGH, I'm dieing……. I can't feel my legs. But I think I'll be fine by tomorrow. I'll see you then.' This shows the utmost dedication you have to your job.  (Use this one: I've got really nasty diarrhea... actually, I've got both pie-holes going at once... should I come in?? ... BC)

The match is on. Ever since Henry made that boo boo move in which he landed on his opponent's back, slid off and out of the ring, it's been made an official wrestling move now. Of course it needs a name. We shall call it The Butthole Surf or simply, The Skoot.

D'lo wins in spite of Henry butthole surfing on him and he becomes the European champion.

Cole interviews the Acolytes but the camera turns its focus over to a skirmish. A bunch of wrestlers are pounding on the Chaz. Garea is there but I'm pretty sure he's there for the hugging, not the pounding. Being a hug conniseur, I bet he hugs in his sleep. I bet his wife ends up looking like one of those squeeze toys with the eyes, ears and nose popping out by morning.

Flashback of the Chyna and Jeff Jarrett feud. After Chyna konked Jarrett out, she put a ladle in one of his hands and a pan in the other. Jarrett was obviously horrified and I certainly do not blame him. For the love of the Culinary God, you just can't put metal on teflon!!!!!!!!!

Jarrett is already in the ring as Chyna makes her coo entrance. She means business, she's going to kick major ass. She slides into the ring..... aaaaaaand... Jarrett pounced on her.  Okay, so she means to kick his ass at a later time. That's alright. You go, girl! Don't worry, everyone, she's off to a good start. Just keep that up and eventually he's all yours.

Of course, she crotches him which was an ultimate sacrifice to her arm. She must have screamed, 'GOD, he STUNK!!' Quick, disinfect it immediately or we'll have to chop the arm off. Hurry, get the Man-Off spray.

At one point, Jarrett covered Chyna but she threw him off her with authority. JR claims it was her raw strength that did it but we know it was the elasticity of her boobs. All she did was flex it and he bounced off.

On a previous Smackdown, all the women that Jarrett wronged came running out to attack him. However, we were really looking forward to seeing the women exacting revenge by wielding weapons of their trade. The make-up lady should have attacked with make-up brushes, Debra should have knocked him out with .. a Steve Austin doll, and Garcia should have bonk-bonked him with a microphone. Moolah and Mae Old could finish it off by farting dust therefore burying him.

Oh, back to the match. Moolah and Mae Old run in to attack Jarrett and … and ..  Mae!! He's right in front of you!!. 'Hold still, sonny, I can't see you.. you're too far..'

Jarrett clotheslines both of them but Debra comes out and hits Jarrett with the guitar. 'And you leave me alone or I'll get my big bald boyfriend to... to ... eat in front of you or something. He's a snortin' pig when he eats.' Chyna gets the win but Pritchard comes out to replay the dastardly footage and declares Jarrett the winner.

Chyna hits Pritchard but don't worry, Pritchard fan (there's got to be one out there), he was protected by his magic hair helmet.  (Magic helmet... BC)

Dudleys vs The Acolytes. The Acolytes are a combined weight of 571 pounds which means that Mr. Coo is 175 and the rest is Bradshaw. Allow me to do the math for I am a wizard. Okay… Mr. Coo is 175... 175 from 571... that makes Bradshaw.... a hefty 4 million pounds! Hey, I said I was a wizard but I didn't mention of what.

Anyways, Mr. Simmons exudes a swagger, a sway that says, 'I So Coo.. but dis here is my partner.. He So Blobby.' Bradshaw could chime in, 'That's MR. So Blobby..'

There were some wrong doings in the ring but Mr. Coo managed to set things straight. He gives the facial expression which is immediately followed by that barking voice. 'HEY!' he screamed to the ref. That oughta do it. I bet the ref was floored.

Brad tried to superplex D'Von off the top rope and let out this grunt/ yell. Good grief, man, is that what you sound like when you're in the bathroom trying to excrete a horse sized turd? Get a grunt pole, will you?

Stevie Richards, another member of the 'Needs a Ho-Ho' brigade, runs in dressed as an Acolyte. You know, someone needs to feed Stevie what Bradshaw is eating …. just not as much of it. Stevie superkicks D'Von and the Acolytes win, who then beat up Stevie. Mr. Coo then shakes the unconscious Stevie's hand and Bradshaw gives him the 'thumbs up' (the ass) symbol.

How coo would it be to have dinner with Mr. Simmons. I want to hear him say, 'Pass the mutha-effin' potatoes.'

Luna vs Ivory in a hardcore match. Luna puts Ivory on the copy machine and copies away. This makes us think of the Saturday Night Live skit with Robert Schneider as the dude in the copy room. 'Luna.. the Luna-meister.. Luna-rooney.. making copies.. copying Ivory's fa-ace.. Luna-tuna…. Luna.'

This match gets so hardcore that the cameraman is sacrificed when Luna headbutts the camera. Camera man down! Camera man down! And sideways! He's laying there groaning, 'Fusilli Head…' I'll make an educated guess that the camera must weigh about the same as Wight's head. Am I right?? Am I close??

Tori runs into this match wielding a stick, only to have Ivory use it to hit Luna and win the match. Thanks, Tori, you've been helpful. Don't run with scissors now, okay? Remind me to call on you when I need to have someone killed.

Garcia interviews Moolah and Mae Old but Ivory runs in, exclaiming about what a real women's champion is like. Ivory is immediately attacked. Mae knows what's good as she grabbed for the thigh. 'Let me at that young thigh.. I haven't had any action in centuries!' Not even a chicken thigh?

Edge and Christian. Remember to adjust ass leech PRIOR to the match, not during.

They go against NAO for the tag titles. As Dogg gives his redundant 'ladies and gentlemen' speech, we finally captured someone in the audience who emoted how we feel about this speech.  I bet two minutes later, she hung herself with her own hair and then poked her own eyes out.

Billy Butt is actually horrified after getting a good gander of that ass leech. It's that or he saw himself on the Titantron. By the way, Butt, Sun-In is supposed to be used on your hair, not your skin.

The match proceeds but Christian is experiencing some horrible cramps.  He beckons for Edge to get into the match, 'Sistah, you have to wrestle, girl .. get me some midol, a hot towel and a bucket. I can't work.'

Christian is a trooper though as he probably corked up and tagged into the match again. He puts Dogg in a chin lock and they both ….. sang a note and held it. I bet they harmonized and it sounded like this. How melodically monotone. Christian is definitely the falsetto.

After Dogg gives both Edge and Christian a double DDT, Edge gets a  pop-up. He's done. Let's eat him now. He's like buffalo wings though. There's barely any meat on them bones.

Christian is so embarrassed for his friend that he turns away from him…. only to see the cameraman intending to go up his nose.  'Oh, hello, Mr. Cameraperson. I don't know you well enough to be so close to me..' Eventually the Brood interfere and NAO win.

Garcia is backstage with HHH and Bulldog. She says to HHH, 'Well, it looks like you guys have some sort of relationship. What is it??' HHH says, 'We're lovers.' Oh come on, it is entirely, definitely almost believable. Alright, maybe he didn't say 'lovers'. It could have been 'partners', or 'udders', or anything else. This is a lesson to all yous who believe every single rumor written on the internet. It's all true, all of it.

Hell in the Cell Within A Cage With Rottweilers That Never Should Have Happened match. Al Snow vs. Bossman. Can we say, 'Complete Disaster' ? The dogs were more concerned with barking at each other or pissing while Al and Boss tried to keep up the farce.

Did JR say that it was a 'Kibbles from Hell' match?

(Yes…. BC)

Whoa, I wonder what the Bits are like. It'll rip the stomach lining something awful, huh?

Okay, it's Kennel from Hell.

Al waits in the ring as they try to erect the cage so we scrutinize his shirt. It reads 'Everyone needs a little head.' Just a little one?? I say go for the gusto and demand the biggest head you can get on this Earth. No, not the Easter Island Heads.. Paul Wight's head. Why settle for anything less?

On the titantron, Bossman's entrance footage is played. Everything seems fine.... seems..

.... then, nasal devastation. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH- CHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

This match started off good and perverted as Al bent over to moon Bossy. Like I said before, if it takes T&A to get them over, so let it be. What man would not be enticed by the Snowballs?? See, Bossy is purring right now.

Al wins and thankfully the horror is over. The highlight came thereafter when one of the trainers, while running to the back, totally rolled over the dog. To make matters worse, he had plumber butt.

Al was probably relieved that the match was finally over but I'm also pretty sure that he's been crying ever since. If it's any consolation, Al, at least you're not Bart Gunn.

D'OH!

Rumor has it that the WWF is burning footage of that match right now, right at this moment… at this moment you're reading or re-reading this report. They're also tracking down every individual who taped it, to destroy the evidence. Anyone who viewed it must also be destroyed, which includes small children, pets and inanimates objects.

Jericho vs. X. Jericho was supposed to wrestle Kenny but Kenny is out with an injury. Get well, Kenny, and hope to see your tight panties on the telly again. Just your tight panties, not you. Just kidding. We miss your nose. Just your nose, not you. Just kidding again. Hey, we haven't been able to rib you in a while. Cut us some slack.

Anyways, this has now become the double phallic ice pop moment.

No matter how long you've been in the business, no matter how good you are, almost every wrestler will.. miss their cue. Here we have two of the best in the ring …. standing there trying to figure out what a cue is, let alone looking for it. 'Uuuh, what do we do now??' 'I don't know dude, but I guess we should wrestle.'

X kicks Chris and JR says, 'Watch those educated feet.' Yes indeed, those toes study really hard. They can turn pages in a text book like no fingers can.

X gives Jericho a crotch chop. You know, Jericho really should be worrying about his backside these days. First the Rock wants to stick things up Jericho's butt, then Road Dogg told him to suck it and now X is doing the same. Whatever you do, Chris, make sure you never EEEVER bend over. Here's a suggestion. Walk around as if you don't have an asshole or a sexual organ.

JR says that X is quick as a hiccup. Not during sex, hopefully.

Jericho is said to have a very well pronounced mean streak. MEEN STUHREEK. There. That's the best that I can do. If I pronounce it any more, it would probably sound like, 'Eat at Chuckee Cheez.'

X performs the bronco buster on Jericho but in 69 form. It’s the Bronco Chest Rub. It's hard to tell who would be the most excited in a move like that. Actually, it's not that hard at all. It's ME, of course.

Oh dear. WHOO HOO, does that look like fun. Rubbing rubbing rubbing.

Hughes and Chris eventually both beat on X and Dogg runs in for the save. Good thing it's over. We were nearing Ice Pop Overdose.

Promo for the 6 pack challenge. Three t's in Rattlesnake, huh?? You know, we're trying to teach the youth of today to lern how ta spell n use correct grammer and punchuashun And ure jus condribbuting to duh illituracy of succiety whut kind a peeple r u stop being da cauz of chilldrens decay. (OW... that hurt my head... BC)

Sadly enough, there are people who write that way. To make matters worse, they're adults. To make matters even worse than that, one of them is my mother. Even worse?? She's got a perm and a bunion that's the shape of her elbow.

Oh, I could go on, I suppose, but I'll stop now.

Okay the six pack challenge. Ah, Kaney's sporting his snazzy PPV outfit. He passes by someone in the audience who is very excited about the letter 'R'. This show has been brought to you by the letter R as in .. Rump.

Bulldog is once again, confused. After realizing that Kane's snazzy red outfit is the same color as his skin, he's now thinking twice about his next sun roast session. Yo dude, ya skin cancer much?

Since the 12" single dance remix version of their entrance themes were used for each combatant, the match started two days later. People like the Bulldog passed the time away by rubbing his leather tetas. Perhaps thoughts of his relationship with HHH is making him hot, heavy and orange.

Steve Austin is the enforcer, the enforcing commentator. He makes it to the announcer's table and models his lovely leg. 'Feast your eyes on this porky gam, ladies and gents.'

... and he almost got stuck in that position. Good thing he didn't get stuck because it would mean the handtruck for Mr. Cold. It would also be hard to explain to Debra. She'll think that he was pissing against a tree like a dog would and he cramped up. Start the match already.

Wight is a little preoccupied. No, no titty rubbing on his part, just having a private hoe-down in his little corner. Either that or he's about to piss like a dog would.

This match loses control on occasion. Mick piledrives HHH on the steel steps AND gives him the atomic wedgie. Mick is such a sweetheart because he pulled the tights back down. He cares about the viewing audience being stricken with eye cancer.

Stevie ends up refereeing this match because the refs on strike attacked the Kewpie ref, who crossed the picket line .. and… whatever. After Stevie almost counted out one of the combatants, he shows the world that it was only a two count. It was a two count. Two….. (five minutes later)… alright, put your peace sign down, ya damn hippy.  Eat bread, will you?

Bulldog brings the chair into the ring, but Stevie konks Bulldog with it and HHH wins.

We often preach about people who show disrespect by throwing things into the ring. It is just a detestable act against these fine performers who are working their asses off to entertain. Now, I want to know who the hell threw their British Bulldog into the ring??!! That is just unsanitary, rude, filthy dirty and disgusting!! Look at that garbage!

After the match, Steven gets his mandatory beers in the ring. After he slobbers it up, he heads to the back, probably screaming, 'Alright, let's go to the bar and start drinking!' Well, ALRIGHT!!!

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