Hey, it's those douche chilling promos reminiscent of the graphics used for the last Survivor Series PPV. They're just black and white footage that fades-in and fades-out which only sadistically reminds us of the music they used. Gospel-like singers belched out, 'Well it's a deadly game!!!' We're tragically scarred from that, you know.
By the way, the refs are still on strike.
Here comes Venis walking towards the ring and .......... there goes Venis walking to the back. Did you forget your panties or something? Worse than that, he probably forgot to Smint. Nobody likes a naked wrestler ridden with halitosis. Actually he went to retrieve the Steve Blackman bag of lethal weapons which probably included kendo sticks, vibrators and wrigley's spearmint gum.
Venis takes the mic and said, 'Ladies... Venis figures the reminants..' He said 'REMINANTS'?? He continues, '... of Hurricane Floyd..' In the least, you should have been consistent with your speech flubbery and said, 'FUH-LOYD'.
They announce that Blackman comes from Anvil, PA. That would explain his anvil shaped head. I bet the town is perched on top of one huge anvil. You know, we have often drove past Authur Kill road many times but never EVER saw anyone killing Authur there. Where do these names come from?? Our little road trips always bring up silly inside jokes between Bostin and I. The classic road sign read, 'Nyack / So Nyack'. I asked, 'What is Nyack/ So Nyack?? And what makes it SO Nyack than the other Nyack??' Don't mind me. There was no period after the 'SO' so I had no idea it meant SOUTH.
Hey, live and learn. Then we drove by the 'Bible Bookstore' and figured there wasn't a wide selection to choose from.. and kept driving by.
I love road trips.
OH, wrestling stuff. (Wait!! One more!! Remember that church, in Connecticut?? HOLY NAME OF JESUS!!! That sounds like an exclamation... BC)
JR is perpetually trying to build up Steve Blackman's character since Steve can't do that on his own. JR said, 'Blackman can hurt you with his feet, hands, head..' You forgot to mention his face, his gimmickless character, the Bette Davis eyes and his speaking voice.
Venis wins this match but Blackman attacks with the kendo stick. Enter the 'paramedics'. One is a blonder than blond chick with bigger than big boobies. I guess she can uh.. feed him some milk from those udders. Anyways, Blackman must be lactose intolerant because he yells at her but beefy Dotson took him down.
The medics make a lame attempt at medicating. Come on guys, just wing it. Stick things in him or something. Make it look official. Cram a tongue depressor up his butt. Then confuse him by asking him what his gimmick is or what day it is. (At least I know what day it is.)
Show insults Cole by saying, 'Did you take a stupid pill today??' Now that was mean. I'm sure Cole has never taken a stupid pill in his life. He takes them in liquid form and there's nothing wrong with that. Now if Cole had taken his smart-ass pill, he would have said, 'Actually, the stupid pill was accidentally stuffed in the side of beef that was your lunch.' Of course Cole would then be chewed up and spit out like Stevie's tobacco but hey, at least you got the last word in.
Henry gets in the ring and says that he can't wrestle because Garcia's slap to his face gave him a 'braineurysm'. Ah, Henry is a mere novice when it comes to 'calling in sick to work'. You should have tried for a torn porkstring (which is alittle left to the proximity of the hamstring). Otherwise use the excuse I always use, 'UUUUUUUUUUUUGH, I'm dieing . I can't feel my legs. But I think I'll be fine by tomorrow. I'll see you then.' This shows the utmost dedication you have to your job. (Use this one: I've got really nasty diarrhea... actually, I've got both pie-holes going at once... should I come in?? ... BC)
The match is on. Ever since Henry made that boo boo move in which he landed on his opponent's back, slid off and out of the ring, it's been made an official wrestling move now. Of course it needs a name. We shall call it The Butthole Surf or simply, The Skoot.
D'lo wins in spite of Henry butthole surfing on him and he becomes the European champion.
Cole interviews the Acolytes but the camera turns its focus over to a skirmish. A bunch of wrestlers are pounding on the Chaz. Garea is there but I'm pretty sure he's there for the hugging, not the pounding. Being a hug conniseur, I bet he hugs in his sleep. I bet his wife ends up looking like one of those squeeze toys with the eyes, ears and nose popping out by morning.
Flashback of the Chyna and Jeff Jarrett feud. After Chyna konked Jarrett out, she put a ladle in one of his hands and a pan in the other. Jarrett was obviously horrified and I certainly do not blame him. For the love of the Culinary God, you just can't put metal on teflon!!!!!!!!!
At one point, Jarrett covered Chyna but she threw him off her with authority. JR claims it was her raw strength that did it but we know it was the elasticity of her boobs. All she did was flex it and he bounced off.
On a previous Smackdown, all the women that Jarrett wronged came running out to attack him. However, we were really looking forward to seeing the women exacting revenge by wielding weapons of their trade. The make-up lady should have attacked with make-up brushes, Debra should have knocked him out with .. a Steve Austin doll, and Garcia should have bonk-bonked him with a microphone. Moolah and Mae Old could finish it off by farting dust therefore burying him.
Jarrett clotheslines both of them but Debra comes out and hits Jarrett with the guitar. 'And you leave me alone or I'll get my big bald boyfriend to... to ... eat in front of you or something. He's a snortin' pig when he eats.' Chyna gets the win but Pritchard comes out to replay the dastardly footage and declares Jarrett the winner.
Chyna hits Pritchard but don't worry, Pritchard fan (there's got to be one out there), he was protected by his magic hair helmet. (Magic helmet... BC)
Dudleys vs The Acolytes. The Acolytes are a combined weight of 571 pounds which means that Mr. Coo is 175 and the rest is Bradshaw. Allow me to do the math for I am a wizard. Okay Mr. Coo is 175... 175 from 571... that makes Bradshaw.... a hefty 4 million pounds! Hey, I said I was a wizard but I didn't mention of what.
Anyways, Mr. Simmons exudes a swagger, a sway that says, 'I So Coo.. but dis here is my partner.. He So Blobby.' Bradshaw could chime in, 'That's MR. So Blobby..'
Brad tried to superplex D'Von off the top rope and let out this grunt/ yell. Good grief, man, is that what you sound like when you're in the bathroom trying to excrete a horse sized turd? Get a grunt pole, will you?
Stevie Richards, another member of the 'Needs a Ho-Ho' brigade, runs in dressed as an Acolyte. You know, someone needs to feed Stevie what Bradshaw is eating . just not as much of it. Stevie superkicks D'Von and the Acolytes win, who then beat up Stevie. Mr. Coo then shakes the unconscious Stevie's hand and Bradshaw gives him the 'thumbs up' (the ass) symbol.
How coo would it be to have dinner with Mr. Simmons. I want to hear him say, 'Pass the mutha-effin' potatoes.'
Luna vs Ivory in a hardcore match. Luna puts Ivory on the copy machine and copies away. This makes us think of the Saturday Night Live skit with Robert Schneider as the dude in the copy room. 'Luna.. the Luna-meister.. Luna-rooney.. making copies.. copying Ivory's fa-ace.. Luna-tuna . Luna.'
Tori runs into this match wielding a stick, only to have Ivory use it to hit Luna and win the match. Thanks, Tori, you've been helpful. Don't run with scissors now, okay? Remind me to call on you when I need to have someone killed.
Garcia is backstage with HHH and Bulldog. She says to HHH, 'Well, it looks like you guys have some sort of relationship. What is it??' HHH says, 'We're lovers.' Oh come on, it is entirely, definitely almost believable. Alright, maybe he didn't say 'lovers'. It could have been 'partners', or 'udders', or anything else. This is a lesson to all yous who believe every single rumor written on the internet. It's all true, all of it.
Hell in the Cell Within A Cage With Rottweilers That Never Should Have Happened match. Al Snow vs. Bossman. Can we say, 'Complete Disaster' ? The dogs were more concerned with barking at each other or pissing while Al and Boss tried to keep up the farce.
Did JR say that it was a 'Kibbles from Hell' match?
(Yes . BC)
Whoa, I wonder what the Bits are like. It'll rip the stomach lining something awful, huh?
Okay, it's Kennel from Hell.
Al waits in the ring as they try to erect the cage so we scrutinize his shirt. It reads 'Everyone needs a little head.' Just a little one?? I say go for the gusto and demand the biggest head you can get on this Earth. No, not the Easter Island Heads.. Paul Wight's head. Why settle for anything less?
.... then, nasal devastation. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH- CHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Al was probably relieved that the match was finally over but I'm also pretty sure that he's been crying ever since. If it's any consolation, Al, at least you're not Bart Gunn.
Rumor has it that the WWF is burning footage of that match right now, right at this moment at this moment you're reading or re-reading this report. They're also tracking down every individual who taped it, to destroy the evidence. Anyone who viewed it must also be destroyed, which includes small children, pets and inanimates objects.
Jericho vs. X. Jericho was supposed to wrestle Kenny but Kenny is out with an injury. Get well, Kenny, and hope to see your tight panties on the telly again. Just your tight panties, not you. Just kidding. We miss your nose. Just your nose, not you. Just kidding again. Hey, we haven't been able to rib you in a while. Cut us some slack.
Anyways, this has now become the double phallic ice pop moment.
X kicks Chris and JR says, 'Watch those educated feet.' Yes indeed, those toes study really hard. They can turn pages in a text book like no fingers can.
X gives Jericho a crotch chop. You know, Jericho really should be worrying about his backside these days. First the Rock wants to stick things up Jericho's butt, then Road Dogg told him to suck it and now X is doing the same. Whatever you do, Chris, make sure you never EEEVER bend over. Here's a suggestion. Walk around as if you don't have an asshole or a sexual organ.
JR says that X is quick as a hiccup. Not during sex, hopefully.
Jericho is said to have a very well pronounced mean streak. MEEN STUHREEK. There. That's the best that I can do. If I pronounce it any more, it would probably sound like, 'Eat at Chuckee Cheez.'
Oh dear. WHOO HOO, does that look like fun. Rubbing rubbing rubbing.
Hughes and Chris eventually both beat on X and Dogg runs in for the save. Good thing it's over. We were nearing Ice Pop Overdose.
Sadly enough, there are people who write that way. To make matters worse, they're adults. To make matters even worse than that, one of them is my mother. Even worse?? She's got a perm and a bunion that's the shape of her elbow.
Oh, I could go on, I suppose, but I'll stop now.
Bulldog brings the chair into the ring, but Stevie konks Bulldog with it and HHH wins.
After the match, Steven gets his mandatory beers in the ring. After he slobbers it up, he heads to the back, probably screaming, 'Alright, let's go to the bar and start drinking!' Well, ALRIGHT!!!