Wrestlemania XV

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by Chokee Slam

March 1999
Philadelphia

Boyz 2 Men open up by singing America the Beautiful (is it really, beautiful, that is..) but we'd much prefer it to be Marilyn Manson. Marilyn would be easier to the eyes as well. When they ended the anthem on the painfully long end note, the pyros shot out from behind them. I must say it's commendable that their last note didn't get squawked out. Having experienced a live event, those explosions always pack a frightening wallop.

Signage: a horrible illustration of the Rock and some emaciated looking child. To the best of our abilities, it says, 'The Rock Chimp'. Embarassingly enough, Chimp is near someone with an excellent Austin illustration.

Sorry. Art is art. Not everyone has to like it but everyone will criticize it. So if you have a lousy drawing, be ready for the backlash.

Al Snow enters, wearing his new bike shorts. Bostin hyperventilated for awhile until we noticed the writing '00123' on the seat of his pants. Is that a new long distance calling code? You know, dial 00123 + 1 + the number + ~ + 45BLAH + 4 + the number again. (Get me a paper bag, will ya?? ... B.C.)

Signage: WOOKIE. Hey, whatta wookie (from Clerks soundtrack)! I always affectionately called Chewbacca 'Chewtobacco'. It's the MAD life we lived, reading MAD magazines and watching MAD About You. There's signage beside our wooley Wookie that says:

YETI 3:16. Should they be sitting so close together? We don't know what relations Wookies have to Yetis but I'm sure they both have the natural sense of being territorial. Who knows. They might scratch each other to bits.

Al vs. Hardcore Holly vs. Billy Butt for the Hardcore Belt. Butt reels in the Wrestlemania event by throwing his shirt off in pansy fashion while Al and Bob are in the background revving into gay-bash mode. Just kidding. If by the slimmest of slim chance, Al is aroused by Butt's flouncing, I imagine Al would start chanting his mantra everytime he might get aroused by a vixen: 'I love my wife I love my children I love my wife I love my children I love... etc..'

I suppose Butt is rather comfortable with his sexuality to flounce around the way he does. It doesn't mean that we won't make fun of it. For we are MAD!

Billy Butt takes the mic and starts with a voice cracking speech, 'I know Philly is ready for some hardcore... oooof!' Thank goodness, Al hit him from behind. This was our reaction, 'HHAAAAA!!!!!'

Now here we see an odd ritual of the Wrestlis Hardcoris genus. Butt is about to powerslam Holly while Al is behind Butt about to do Lord knows what. Let's just hope that they don't get stuck in that position. They'd have to be put on a handtruck and rolled back to the dressing room. And boy, would Al have lots of 'splainin' to do to his wife.

Lately the hardcore matches have been less than interesting. For one thing, the WWF isn't pushing Al Snow the way they should.

At one point, Al looked like he was going to stake Butt with a broken hockey stick, just for being ugly. Sorry. (Oh, you're not sorry, don't lie ... B.C.) Butt retaliates by throwing Al into a table and this causes Butt to spaz out chopping his crotch (that would save the world from his spawn, but alas, it's just a mime) and then he reverts back to his simian ways and looks like an ape.

Holly wins this match. Holly is good but Al would be better. I mean at this point, Al is losing so much in the WWF and Holly is getting such a push, we wonder how hard Holly is working those lip muscles under the corporate tables at Titan Towers. OH!

D'lo (with Ivory) and Testes vs. Owen Hart and Jeff Jarrett (with Debra) for the Tag Title belts. Before they come out, we see three refs escorting Al back down the aisle towards backstage. Poor guy, his body language screamed, 'I don't wanna leave.. not until I win something.. anything at all.. even a free bag of ground coffee.. waaah.'

When Testes walked in, he threw someone in the audience a kiss. Must have been a 13 year old girl. Sorry. Then he yells at Ivory. Ivory then sees Debra's bra and panty outfit with some chandelier tassles on them and speaks to the audience about that horrid outfit. Meanwhile Debra's got a tub of lard smeared all over her body. She had that 'just lubricated' look again. Is she intending to slide through some small hole or something?

Of course due to D'lo and Testes not being able to get along, they lose their match because Testes is preoccupied with tending to Ivory and Debra who are outside the ring arguing. Testes still yells at Ivory and the camera closes in on the zit on Testes' arm. Damn, that thing was about to explode. (I think he probably shouldn't have had that hot fudge sundae the night before... B.C.) (What'd he do, smear it on his arm?? ...C.S.)

Isaac Hayes is in the audience with a pretty girl sitting next to him. Hey Isaac, way to be! Then again, she could be his daughter. In that case, way to spawn!

Bart Gunn vs Butterbean. Pre-segment where two individuals predict what the outcome of the brawl would be. One said it would be Bart 'in 2.. (pause) rounds..' You meant to say 2 seconds! The announcing for this match took longer than the actual fight.

Butterbean (can we call you Butter? Or Mr. Bean?) is announced and Cole (or Lawler) says he's 43 years old. WOW! What a spry old dude! (They said his record was 43-1-1... B.C.) You know how wax builds up in the ear. They also said 36 knockouts. Well, after Bart Gunn, 37. Ouch.

Bart walks down the aisle and his trainer tripped along the way. That should have been considered an omen. I say if your trainer can't even walk straight, you should have thrown the towel before you entered the ring. (They should have tossed it from the aisle...B.C.)

Bart enters the ring and hops around the ring. 'La la la laloo loo lalaoloo..' He deserved to get knocked out for doing that.

3 seconds into this match, Butterbean gets the first punch and Bart spins around and faces the audience that was behind him just a few seconds ago. Perhaps he saw some dude in the front row and thought, 'Hey, is that my momma in the front row?' Meanwhile, Butterbean is standing behind him like, 'Hey, I'm over here! I'm the large white target..you can't miss me! Yo, turn around!!'

Keep in mind this match lasted approximately 30 seconds. Butterbean got more punches in and Bart goes down.

At this point, we were slo-mo'ing the footage so that we could find good captures for this report and we imagined this slo-mo speed was what Bart was seeing in real time after he hit the mat. But Bart gets back up to get beat up some more and WHAM Butterbean obliged. Bart's head shook like those little head bopping ornaments you put in cars. By this time, Bart probably forgot what his name is. He was called 'Bart 'The Hammer' Gunn' but had been reduced to 'The Nail'.

The announcer screamed, 'The winner, BUTTERBEAN!' and Bart may have thought, 'that's me! I win! By the way, what's today's date?? Is it Blue?' ("Lucy, is that mah name?" ...B.C.)

Bart eventually gets to his feet and manages to stare into the camera while his trainers are elated that they bet against him and is discussing what they're going to spend the money on. We're sure that as soon as Bart remembered what his name was, he began to cry and has been crying since. That was a brutal albeit short match.

(Aren't you worried about Bart coming after you? ...B.C.) (He probably can't remember the alphabet anymore, so how's he gonna read the site? ...C.S.)

Big Show vs. Mankind. If Mankind wins, he refs the Austin/ Rock match. Cole is talking about how 'Austin delivered the Stunner.' Did he deliver it FedEx?? At the Raw event we went to, we saw a huge FedEx truck drive into the arena. We figured they were delivering all the wrestlers but I guess Cole is letting us know they were delivering Stunners. Maybe a smaller quantity of Whoop Ass also.

Mankind let Wight taste Socko. This is one of the most fearful moves in wrestling history. It will cause regurgitation and I'm surprised not one wrestler has puked up yet. During this match, Wight dropped all his 500 pounds of lard onto Mankind's body. By the looks of it, his ribs took the punishment but it's a possibility that his pelvis took some of that weight as well. Either way, it's still 500 f'n pounds on top of someone and that is going to hurt. Poor Mick. Chances are Mick had even said, 'Go ahead, drop all the weight on me, I can take it..' MICK!! STOP IT!! Anyways, if Mick's pelvis took a good portion of that weight, he must have crotch of steel. Stronger than Kenny's even.

Wight walks into the ring sucking his stomach in but as the match progresses, it just blobs out. Someone should make a sign for him that says, 'WIGHT! SUCK IT... IN!!'

Sorry.

Wight loses this match on DQ so an irate Vinnie enters to point his accusing finger at Wight. Cole says, 'You better put that finger down.' Damn right, Wight would eat it like it was a crunchy cheesy poof.

Eventually Vinnie slaps the sweat off Wight and Wight punches Vinnie who then does his impersonation of Bart Gunn.

Wight walks back to his locker room screaming, 'Nobody owns me!' He should have followed up with,' and by the way, Vince, I want direct depositing for my paychecks... OH! And the 401K plan?? Put double the amount that's usually taken out of each paycheck.'

Signage: SAGGY NIPPLE. Yes, the Rock has saggy nipples AND tired catch phrases for all of you's.

Looks like Dogg got himself some new pants. There's a big X on the seat of his pants. But I think 'NO ENTRANCE' or 'EXIT ONLY' would be more amusing than just a plain ole X. Also along the leg of his pants it says, 'DOOO'. Yes, we know it's 'DOGG' but the G's never fail to look like O's. Therefore he's got dooo running down his leg. That's disgusting. I supposed he forgets to take his pants off before he does his business.

Signage: I TOSS SALAD. Ya work at Sooper Salad huh?? Gotta be a pain in the ass tossing salad all day. I'd toss it AND my boss out the window.

It's Dogg vs. Val Venis vs. Goldust vs. Kenny Shamrock for the IC belt.

Four way match. One point, Val dropped his head onto Goldie's area and Meanie made the best 'OOOH!' expression. I make that expression all the time when Bostin gooses me.

So Venis and Shamrock are eventually counted out of the ring which leaves Goldie and Dogg. Ryan accidentally trips up Goldie giving the win to Dogg. Oh well, that's the end of that lovely relationship.

Dogg celebrates his win by telling the audience where his brains really are.

Backstage Wight is being taken away by the police and placed into the back seat of the cop car. The back end practically sank to the concrete and Wight was pretty much folded in half in the car. It was surprising to see him fit into that little car at all. We can't imagine what it's like for very large wrestlers to do simple every day tasks such as taking a shower. The majority of the shower heads would basically just sprinkle the water onto the chest or the anteater. Therefore in order for Wight to cleanse, he'd have to be hosed down. Also, would he have to shove two twin beds together and sleep on them sideways just to get some shut-eye?

Replay of when Kane shot the fireball onto Chyna's eye. They replayed this about five times. Bostin exclaimed, 'How many times is he gonna hit her with that fireball??' Before anyone writes to her about it being a replay, just remember world, that this is SATIRE! Anyways, my comment to that is, 'Yeah, don't you figure one fireball was enough to make her hot?' Ouch.

Kane walks in. His name appears on the bottom of the screen. And you know what Cole reports? 'He's Kane.' What a loopy dolt. Hey Cole, that was a tremendous observation there, you tremendously vacuous one.

Kane walks towards the ring swaying and sauntering with loads of sex appeal. He may be thinking, 'I'm Kane.. I'm hot.. she wants me.. she wants me.. they all want me.. even he wants me. Hell, I'm so hot, I want me.' A 'mascot' chicken runs in (probably screaming, 'REVEEEEEENGE!!') and attacks Kane. Hell, even the chicken, who was Pete Rose in disguise, wanted Kane. Kane picked him up, got Rose's face way into the crotch area and delivered the tombstone piledriver. Hell, you know, if it takes dressing up in a chicken outfit just to have your face in Kane's crotch, I say, 'Way to be!' You do what you gots to do. Kane got out of that situation unscathed and probably thinking, 'Hey, some mad chicken tried to attack me. I think I'll eat it for dinner later.'

HHH vs. Kane. At one point, HHH gets thrown outside the ring and Kane shows him the Red Moon Rising. Kane is giving body language that says, 'I'm ready for you!' HHH tries to do in the big Red one but Kane countered with a kick. Cole reported, 'Kane followed up with an explanation point.. uh.. exclamation point.'

Too late to save yourself, you tremendously moronic one, you said 'explanation'. So Kane is explaining his kick. 'Uh.. we're wrestling and I wanna win..' That good enough explanation for you Cole?

Kane managed to mess up HHH's hair real good. Looked like a triple beehive.

Chyna comes out to stand by her red man. She picks up the 300 pound steel steps (in WCW, they only weigh 70 pounds) and slides it into the ring. Kane looks at it thinking, 'Hey, my girl gave me a present. I guess I'll ... step on it. Or walk up and down on it.' But sadly, Chyna betrays her red man by hitting him with a chair. Kane turns around, body language saying, 'You said we'd only do that in bed!' So he steps foward, about to give her the choke (they were to do that only in bed also) but he falters and just can't do it to the gal he loves. This allows HHH the win.

HHH and Chyna are back together. Poor Kane sits in the ring, dissed. He's breathing heavy, obviously saddened and perhaps crying underneath the mask. It would be that bottom-lip-quivering kind of crying, the sucking-in-the-bottom-lip-then-blowing-it- back-out-and-repeat kind of crying. See what you did, Chyna, now he'll run out and find the sluttiest girl and set her on fire or something.

Backstage, Vinnie says that he will referee the Austin/ Rock match. He has a ref shirt in his bag, he says.

Camera catches Big Punisher in the audience. I swear, his performance at the Rage Party the night before, I thought this guy was going to keel over gasping for breath. I was really worried for him. Anyways, he's mucking it up for the camera and he's got a flattened beer (?) can necklace. I imagine he should change that to a flattened Slim Fast can instead.

Sable vs. Tori, who is sporting an odd looking 'cat suit'. More like a Giger alien suit. We suppose she laid a pod backstage in Sable's dressing room already. Lawler claims that her outfit was see-through. Ya mean she's got those black lines all over her body? I think that's a problem, huh?

After the ref is accidentally knocked out, Nicole Bass interferes in the match and presses Tori. Sable looked at Bass like, 'Hey, you're my kind of man.' It was a smart thing that Bass didn't wake the referee up because if she/he/it was the first thing he saw after gaining consciousness, he'll slip right back in.. happily.

Ooh hoo, funniest signage: Sable's older than dirt. Which means she farts dust. Sable wins the match and she does her agitating butt wiggling at Lawler. Cole says, 'She blew you a kiss.' I don't know about you Cole, but normally it's called blowing a fart when it's coming from the ass end. I think Cole is a closet psycho.

Backstage, DX are all together again. X-Pac is intent, his eyes are fixated on the camera and he's teetering side to side. I think they're all stoned. X-Pac is teetering only slightly but I bet he's seeing the world as if he's in a Tilt-A-Whirl ride.

Shane with Testes vs. X-Pac. During Shane's entrance, it looked like he was holding his hand out to Testes. It seriously looked like they were going to hold hands and skip down the aisle singing about Easter eggs. I would have paid front row seats to see that PLUS shell out the $50 bucks for the stale popcorn.

X-Pac does his little light show in the ring while Testes and Shane are outside devising a plan for this match. It looked like Testes said, 'Okay, here's the plan, you go in there... and .. you wrestle, see. And then.. you win. Got that?' Couldn't get all of it, Testes, your package was blocking away the sound of your voice.

Meanwhile I've gotten my phallic ice pop out of the freezer (this is for little X, not Testes) and am pretty content with that. While watching this match, I'm trying to find X's pac but only manage to find panty lines. Well, in the least, he has panty lines.

Sorry. Sumimasen.

Hey, looks like X-Pac didn't have his V-8. But, again, in the least, he has panty lines and I have my phallic pop. X-Pac was about the to execute the Face Rape on Shane and motions for Shane to sit up a bit. Like a dolt, Shane obliged. What a dolt, huh? He deserved to get his face raped. Dolt. What up with these wrestlers.

Just kidding.

After more careful observation, we have found the ever elusive X pac. He tucks to the right and my ice pop is melting.

Eventually HHH and Chyna come in. Chyna distracts the ref and HHH pedigrees X. Poor guy. Testes was watching this scene with his hand over his mouth, like, 'OOOH, whatcha did!!' As we look at Testes, he's quite a massive specimen. We feel that we definitely would not want to get him pissed. (I wouldn't want to get him aroused...B.C.) That package is liable to knock you out cold.

They beat on little X and Dogg and Butt run in to assist. Butt slid into the ring and practically slid himself back out the opposite side of the ring. Kane comes in since he's got things he must speak to Chyna about. Like, 'Yo bitch, why you doggin' me like that?' We thought he was going to assist DX but alas, the image of him in a DX jersey doing crotch chops is a far-away fantasy.

Dogg consoles X by gently.. caressing him.

Hell in the Cell with Undertaker vs. Big Boss Man. Hey, Bossy arms look a little more pumped. I didn't know they made lo-fat lunchables.. or lo-fat lard. This match was actually the worst match of the evening. Nothing would live up to the excitement and intensity of Hell in the Cell between Undertaker and Mankind. They should just let this one die.

Undertaker is sporting a new cape however and the shoulder pads spanned about 12 feet, I think. Ah it was his new Romulan garb. Once he took that off (that is, after he walked past the cage door entrance SIDEWAYS..), UT revealed his halter top shirt. Here is a quote from an 11 year old kid about UT's outfit, 'Why is Undertaker dressed like Chyna?'

Oh my.

Hey, it looks like UT didn't have his V8 either. But in the least, he's got his very feminine halter top. Halter tops emphasize the boobs, you know.

The match commences and Bossy writhes in pain, 'AARGH, that halter top is so painful to the eyes.' He didn't say that, huh? One point, UT is lieing down on the mat and his beard his jutting right up! His beard's got a bonafide woodie! (It's a beardie!!... B.C.) A beardection even!

Oh my. Boss Man is looking at UT in a totally different light. I didn't know it was going to be one of those kind of Pay Per Views.

Meanwhile, Cole is trying to retrospect on the UT/ Vinnie Mac situation. He said, 'Undertaker threatened Vinnie's home!' Whattya mean, did he threaten to take away his Sloman's Shield? Aw, now that's just not right. Now here's a silly thought. Imagine if Boss Man had a valet? It'd be a meter maid.

The crowd starts boo-ing out of boredom. UT wins and the Brood descends onto the top of the ring. They must have had about 50 people lowering Gangrel down. They try to open up a hole at the top of the cell. Christian is pulling it open while Gangrel is stomping on it. Christian must have exclaimed, 'YO, STUPID! WORK WITH ME HERE!!!' Meanwhile Edge continues to grin, shining a light upon the audience with his glowing teeth.

Bossy is out cold... and so is half the audience. They lower a noose and hang him. Cole reports, 'Undertaker is holding a noose.' Then the camera shoots UT with an expression on his face like, 'I'm holding a noose.'

The Brood leaves and the cage is being lifted, therefore 'hanging' Boss. Actually Boss had a harness underneath the vest which made him (and is the only way he would ever) look buff. Hey, observation, Bossy didn't pee in his pants. Does that mean.. that he wasn't really .. hung??? Say not so. (No, Bossy's definitely NOT hung... B.C.)

Jim Ross does commentary for the main event. Vinnie comes in but he doesn't have a ref shirt on, unless it's a ref who just came out of a guido gym run by Rocky Balboa. It's a sweatshirt. Then HBK makes his appearance. Looks like he may have had all his 90's clothes at the laundromat because he comes in looking like Miami Vice, with a white blazer and pants and pastel shirt. I couldn't see his footwear but I bet it was capezios without socks. Oh by the way, HI SHAWN!! (Hiiiii!!! How ya been??? We missed you!!!!!! ...B.C.)

HBK is the one who can appoint an official and it ain't gonna be Vinnie. So HBK escorts Vinnie away and they almost went out of character. Vinnie was smirking which probably means that Shawn said something pretty silly. He never says anything silly though.

Rock vs. Austin. Now when I said that people should chant to Rock, 'Show your tits', I change my mind. I take it back. He showed his crooked and horribly scarred tits. I think he should go to Jacoby and Meyers and start a lawsuit against his nipple surgeon.

During this match Rock rips Austin's shirt off. Poor Stevie must have felt so raped. At least Rock didn't try to wear Austin's ass as a hat.

Vinnie enters later in this match, takes the mic and says, 'Austin! HEY YOU!!' Get offa my cloud? Since Austin didn't care for the song, Vinnie and Rock decided to beat up on him. Mankind stumbles in and eventually, Austin wins the WWF title. He celebrates the only way he knows how, drinking beer that's being pelted at him from audience members. I think someone should throw him some Coca-Cola.. and a lemon. Gotta have lemon with the Coke.

Austin shares a beer with the ref, Hebner. You know when you meet someone at a bar and you become drinking buddies with them, they seem to smear this invisible glue to your side, and stick themselves onto you? Hebner was following Austin around like, 'Hey, that was a cool match, wasn't it, huh? Huh? Didn't you think it was cool? Did you? Huh? You're my friend now, right? Huh?' Austin tries to escape by going to each of the turnbuckles, yet Hebner still follows him. Watch it Hebbie, Austin owns guns, many guns, and I'm sure he has a lovely gun rack to facilitate them.

As a finale, Austin beats up Vinnie because Hebner won't leave Austin's side and it's Vince's fault that he hired Hebner to begin with.

Just kidding.

Wrestling is fun, you know.

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