By Chokee Slam
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Hamilton, ONT, CANADA 9/98

OH those rowdy Canadians… I think these people had THEE most signs up. We spotted one that is entirely worthy for the 'I Love Potato Salad' award.


And this sign was pretty huge. How obnoxious it was. I LOVE it!

Again, when Multiple Person Signs go deathly WRONG:


Hey, Mr. "KN" may have had to go out for a tinkle. He didn't know the cameras were going to find THEIR signs. Tsk tsk. And yet another:


Don't know why this was so funny…. probably because it was so non sequitur. And when it comes to being non sequitur, we can entirely relate!

Alright, on with the show!!

The CHIN (OH, sorry).. I mean THE EDGE vs. Owen Hart. Owen saunters out from backstage wearing a LARGE shirt. You know, wrestlers who wear their wrestling undies under a HUGE shirt look like they just climbed out of bed. Perhaps some would find it sexy, but overall, it looks a bit perverted. On Owen, it's downright pukeable. But we all had a glimpse of what he wears around the Stu Hart house (refer to FULLY LOADED) so I guess there's not much to expect of him when it comes to dressing

There were some interesting sights in this match. When Owen flipped Edge over, Edge landed feet first and then did a bunny hop. The bunny hop seems to be taking on some popularity in the WWF (the Rock did it in KING OF THE RING 98). Perhaps in the future we will see more wrestlers perform the bunny hop, the pogo, the lambada, the watusi, the twist, the swim… MMM… Another flub in this match was when Owen ended up outside the ring, and I believe Edge was supposed to jump over the top rope to cross body block him but instead Edge just ran into the rope chest first.. and bounced off. Boy, was that an effective move or what? But I think Edge didn't go ahead with it since Owen didn't look like he was ready to catch Edge.. after all Owen's back was to him.. and Owen was alittle unaware.. he should have just waved to the audience and accepted flowers and walked down the aisle.

THEN Owen tried putting his arm around Edge for a head/chin lock. Boy, it was such a surprise that Owen was able to get his arm around that protruding chin! It's a big possibility that Edge is Sgt. Slaughter's bastard son. (OH.. sorry) And finally, when Edge tried to put a neckbreaker on Owen, he gives a hearty '3-Stooges' yell, 'NGYAAAA'. But I guess the 3 Stooges yell beckoned his 'brother' Christian (the Sebastian Back looking dude) out which distracted him and he loses the match. C'est La Vie.

There was a minor segment with Dok Hendrix and Sable talking about who knows what. (I know, but I'm not telling... B.C.) We couldn't get our minds and sight off of Sable's HUGE MAN HANDS!! WHOA!!!! If you slo-mo the segment, and pause on the part where she brings her hand to face level, you can see they're practically larger than her own face!! We already know she has big feet.. and now HUGE FACE MUSHING HANDS. Frightening. (You know what they say about you if your hands are bigger than your face, right? ... B.C.)

Too Much vs Al Snow and Scorpio. I think Scorpio's hair gets most of the abuse during his matches. It's always sticking out every which way on his head… or is it just those Vulcan ears of his. Oh, sorry, my bad. Brian Christopher manages to be amusing since he's always screaming like a monkey and Al Snow is just a funny dude. But Scorpio did an unexpected funny. He was supposed to jump onto a chair to catapult him higher for an attack, and the chair just crumbled …….. and so did his career.

Marc Mero with Jacqueline vs. Droz. ………………………… uh……….. yeah. (Hey, at least Droz is funny -- look forward to him puking in the future... B.C.)

Vader comes out, does a quick jog towards the audience, looked more like the Flashdance move. (He's a MANIAC!!!! ... B.C.) He wrestles against BradShaw who is without mustache. HEY, we found out what the 'BJ' emblem on his panties stands for. He used to be in the tag team 'the new BlackJacks'!! AH-HAH. This brings truth to the fact that WWF is having a pretty tight budget. Man, they can't even give Bradshaw a new pair of panties. They have to be all crusty by now. I mean, if he shakes it the wrong way, they may just crumble up in a pile of dust. Okay, it's not that bad yet but… ya never know.

D'Lo Brown vs. Mongrel.. I mean Gangrel. D'Lo is losing control of his head, he should see a doctor and get rid of it. WOW.. Gangrel's receding hairline doesn't help his 'small features on a big fat face' syndrome…

Michael Cole is then backstage with Kenny Shamrock. A zit was spotted on Kenny's forehead (more towards the right) and so I guess this is why they decided to have Kenny stand by the 'Stridex' symbol. Hey, ADVERTISING is always important..

Then the Rock is interviewed. This is where he just SPAZZED. His eyes started darting to and fro, front and back… he was spewing forth catch phrase after catch phrase. Then as he continued blathering, he looked upward with his eyes glazed over… like he saw Jesus… or Undertaker suspended above him wearing his bat wings…

Then Mankind is interviewed. You know, this guy is funny.. he's sick and funny. MAD, we say. "Sugar coated testes, is that a new breakfast cereal??' he asks.

Triple Threat Match.. with the Rock, Mankind and Kenny Shamrock in a cage. The winner has to have his feet touch the ground outside the cage. One of the highlights was the Triple Abdominal Stretch. OH, that looked so wrong for so many reasons. Poor Kenny was in the middle of it and his face was in crying mode again. Hell, he had Rock's thigh up his butt.. he had no choice but to be thinking, 'OH THIS IS SO VILE!! OH THE HUMANITY!'

Lawler was pretty cruel though when he was commenting about Kenny, "I don't think he (Kenny) really ran away. I think his parents sent him to the store for milk and they moved while he was out…" We were cracking up over this comment of course.. Also when Kenny was about to get out of the cage and was able to get his hands on the ground, Lawler screams, "I told you he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, it's your FEET! Your FEET, you idiot!!!" I think if they work Kenny's character to not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, it would bring him more fans since we all know he's brutal in his art of kicking ass. It would bring a different dimension to him as a person… (I'm kissing butt, yes…)

Please, no close-ups on Mankind's butt… we were able to see the cellulite through his big sloppy brown pants. It looked like cottage cheese. Mankind takes a dive off the top of the cage again.. (he's just a NUT!!!!) and he's one of the funniest interviewees in the WWF but … please no butt shots.

Anyways, the match ends with the Rock winning, Kenny splayed on the mat from a knock on the head with the chair and Mankind THINKING he won. But when Kenny wakes up from his little nap, and acts irate, he grabs the chair and almost couldn't get it out the cage… You have to slide it THROUGH the ropes first, Kenny. (Sorry) As Kenny stomps back to the locker room, the camera dude totally checked him out.. the camera went from head to crotch.. to head again.. MMM… I sense a love connection…

Then Val Venis vs. Dustin Runnels?? GOD, BAD scheduling, guys!! This match was tooooo tame compared to the triple threat match.

Jeff Jarrett and Southern Justice vs X-Pac and New Age Outlaws. Can someone tell the Road Dogg that the logo on his butt is hard to read. We know it's supposed to say 'DOGG' but it looks more like 'DOOO' and that's not a good sign to have on your BUTT, if you know what I mean. And again, Dogg, you with your dancing. You always get clobbered after you do your little steps.. this is a sign. It means you need to start performing the Twist, or the Watusi, or the Swim (or the Bunny Hop...B.C.) …. It might bring you better luck.

Jarrett knocks the guitar over X-pac's head but a splinter must have flown into Pac's eye .. this was a real injury. So we wonder how the wrestlers respond to this. I mean Jarrett is supposed to look like he's still wishing harm on X-Pac so he may be yelling at him angrily but he's just saying 'I'M SO SORRY DUDE!! (give a middle finger… for more effect) I DIDN'T MEAN IT REALLY!!!!'

AH, the next Triple Threat Match.. with Stone Cold vs. Kane vs. Undertaker. Kane and Undertaker cannot pin each other… During Kane's entrance, someone pelted him with a rolled up ball of paper. Now now people, don't you know the hazards this could have caused. He could have REALLY gotten hurt from the ball of paper.. you can't go around pelting 7 feet guys with rolled up papers of death.. Now show some restraint.

Oh signage spotted:



I think this sign had to be folded during travel so… this is what it looked like though. 'Kane Raise Tit' and 'Can The Anic'. What does it take to raise some good tit?? And what did the Anic do to be treated so??

So Undertaker enters and Austin runs in behind him.. "Hey, you forgot your CHAIR!" and the match begins. One point, when UT got thrown into the hollow steel steps, the microphone caught someone in the audience scream, 'ARE YOU OKAY UNDERTAKER??' I would have screamed, 'CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH UNDERTAKER??'

During the beginning of the match, Stone Cold stuns Kane (by flashing him his white ass) (no no , this didn't happen.. but it would have been interesting!) and Kane takes a little nap for awhile. Kane still makes the BEST grunting noises… he must sound like a plane when he's snoring.

There was a triple choke hold attempted.. Stone Cold chokes Kane with the cable wire, UT chokes Stone with the cable wire. Oh it was just a mess. After they all released it, Kane looked like he had to put his tongue back into his mask and back into his mouth…

Another question is, why do the spanish announcers always get the wrestlers crashing into their table??? What did they do to deserve that??? AYE CARUMBA!!! MUCHOS CUIDADO!!!!!!

When the match spilled outside the ring, Austin was on the ground and UT was standing over him. Austin tried to pull himself up from the floor.. but the only thing he had to grab onto was UT's butt. Austin took a FULL ON grab, right in the crack even. The UT retaliated by hitting him… 'DON'T TOUCH MY ASS!', UT was probably thinking.

Hey, Kane's hair was extra poofy this night. Y'all think he forgot his conditioner?? If, due to corporate cutbacks, wrestlers had to SHARE hotel rooms, and Kane had to double up with Austin and he happened to run out of conditioner.. well, Kane would be at a loss. Austin wouldn't even have a comb let alone conditioner..

So the match continues, with UT and Kane hitting each other a few times since they won't let the other pin Austin… perhaps Kane said, 'HEY, I'm telling mom!!' But they perpetuated on not letting each other pin Austin, in which they would get up to each others face (and mask), with hands on hips… UT should have screamed, 'WHAT IS YOUR BEEF L'IL BRO??!!! ' to which Kane would reply, 'uuhhg???' (since he's not supposed to be able to talk without that voice thingy).

Okay, I'm losing control here. BOTH UT and Kane covers Austin for the win.. they both draped over Austin. They should have both tried to shove each other off, the way people try to shove your arm off the armrests in movie theatres…

So this leads to us pondering who will get the WWF championship belt. I think it would be alright if both Kane and UT were the champions.. they would just have to enter the ring together in every match, with the ONE belt wrapped around BOTH their waists. They would just have to make one huge belt.. I mean, Elvisize it, and wrap it around both their waists. Just make it big enough for them to be able to walk side by side, or one behind the other, or belly to belly (they would have to argue endlessly on WHO walks backwards…).

Oh, I think I've said enough. Until next time…

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